Thursday, December 31, 2009

2009 My Year in Review

I have spent much of today thinking about what goals I reached in 2009, of course there are the concrete things which I am very proud of:

- made it through a full year smoke free
- ran a 5k run at the Toronto Marathon
- lost 30lbs,
- went from wearing a tight size 24, to a tight size 16
- started dating again
- have consistently gone to the gym and worked with a personal trainer since February when I joined.
- no longer walk with a curve in my spine due to problems with degenerative disc.

But what I am more proud of are the indirect changes:

- my skin color(face) has changed from ashen to pink
- I laugh a whole lot more now, and the laugh is sincere, rather than forced
- I am much less irratable, and I tend to "let things go" more easily
- I have started to dream again, and have goals, and actually believe I can meet those goals
- I am much more relaxed in social settings, and believe that what I have to say is interesting to other people.
- I actually look in the mirror and see pretty, rather than gross, and when my guy tells me I am beautiful I believe him, and when he caresses my body and tells me I am sexy, I believe him.
- I walk with a spring in my step, and keep my head held high
- I am not petrified to walk into a restaurant to meet someone alone.
And finally:
_ I have given myself permission to stop mourning my Mom's death to breast cancer. It has been 10 years in January, and I have realized, that I need to let the pain that I carry in my heart about her illness and death go......and I have done that!

Now my blog name "journey to find the real me" really came from the fact that the life I have been living for such a long time was not my authentic self. I've always wanted to be a leader, front and centre, not afraid of the spotlight, not afraid to be admired, really a true Leo personality, but I was afraid - afraid of Judgment, afraid of failure, afraid of the unknown, so I literally decided to check out of life, and just exist rather than live. 2009 was all about getting myself into the right mind set, a place where I have dreams and desires again and confidence to make my dreams happen and I think I have been sucessful in doing that. In 2010, I am going to execute my plan to make sure that my dreams and desires are met and hopefully at the end of next year, the real me will emerge.

Finally,(and I know this post was long, if you are still reading, thank you) the biggest change for me is that I have found happiness again. I truly am happy and looking back, I can honestly say I have not been happy for many, many years!

Happy New Year my friends! In 2010, may we continue to strive for improvement in ourselves, continue to believe in ourselves, and continue to inpire one another on this journey!

Part II

I just wanted to add that since the gym and getting healthy has been such a large part of my year, I thought I would make some comparisons for the last year, fitness wise:

Beginning: I was walking on the tread mill for 1/2 mile in 5 minute increments at 2.5 and up to 3.8 mph.

Midway: I was running in 20 feet spurts which was too difficult so it was scaled back to run 10 feet, walk ten feet.

Now: I was running on the treadmill for 1 mile in 1 min increments at 7.5mph and then walking for 1 minute at 3.5 mph

Beginnig: I would walk a line doing high knees which after 10 minutes would have me gasping for air and doing 10 step ups on a bench right on the floor would leave me spent!

Midway: I would jog down one line of the gym and walk back, then do modified jumping jacks (no jumpint) and squats

Now: I do 45 minutes of high impact Muai thai - 10 rounds with only 2 -2 min breaks.

Then: I was barely able to do 1 pull up or 10 sit ups

Midway: I could manage 10 pull ups and approx 40 sit ups

Now: can do 4 sets of 10 pull ups and have maxed out at 1000 sit ups in a session.

Then: could ride the stationary bike on level one for 1 minute at at time, 3 times

Midway: could ride the bike on level 5 for 5 minutes

Now: can ride the bike on intervals totaling 5 minutes on level 10, and 15 minutes on level 3.

I have not lost a great amount ouf weigh in the last year, but my body has changed immensely and I feel strong.

Triathlon here I come!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Kicking it Biggest Loser Style!

Finally got my Bodybugg this week. I am going to try and just get used to wearing it over the next week and then kick it into high gear in January.

Funny thing is I set it up to lose on average 3lbs a week and at this pace I should reach my goal weight June 5. The subscription to the bodybugg nutritional log page expires on June 6 and my triathlon is on June 6 as well... I am going to give this my all for 6 mos and see how close I can get to my goal.....

Other than that, life if just chugging along..... I filmed a television spot with my Hypnotherapist on friday for the local news, where they are doing a segment on New Years Resolutions and more specifically quitting smoking through hypnotherapy..... I was so nervous but did it anyway and am looking forward to seeing myself on t.v.....

I will try to get here before Friday, but if I don't Merry Christmas to everyone..... Wishing you all a wonderful day and here's to making 2010 the BEST year ever.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Best Comment Ever Award goes to......

My 8 year old niece, who I haven't seen in since August.

She came to stay with me last night and when we got home and I took off my jacket, her eyes got really big and she said "Hooooolee, Sha Sha you are growing skinny" and then she came over to me and was touching my belly and said, "your chubby belly is all gone". (if that doesn't make sense, my niece calls me Sha Sha instead of Aunti Sharon- lol)

On the flip side after showing her my boxing gear, and bike gear and gym stuff and talking about nutrition and exercise and triathlons all day, she finally said to me (while in line at the food court at the mall) "Sha, is nutrition ALLLLLLL you talk about now" LOL. And then we went back to talking about Miley Cyrus, The Jonas Bros etc and she was a happy girl. And I was a super content Aunt after the comments from earlier in the day :D

Friday, December 4, 2009

Weigh in results

This morning, I weighed in at 242 so i am down 3lbs from my last weigh in. I am happy with this.... Even better, I have lost another 3 inches off my waist.

Today was boxing, and after a super rough day at work yesterday, a hard workout with lots of hard punching and massive sweating were just what I needed this morning. I feel good and ready to face the day.

Thursday, December 3, 2009


Tomorrow I weigh in and for the first time in about 4 mos, I have absolutely no fear. I have been working out and following my food intake very closely.... and I know I am going to be lower than 245. Yeah, the great part is that as of last Sunday (4 days ago) I weighed in at 251.5. This evening I weighed in at 243, and I am hoping that by tomorrow morning, on an empty stomach, I will be at 240 or 241....I will even be happy with 243 :D

Yippy, the scale is moving again, and it's moving downward!!!!!!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Getting Real about food choices

I have been lying to myself about my food and calorie intake for some time now... I have been living in fear of stepping on that scale at the gym because I know my weight was out of control( as much as 7lbs heavier than my last weigh in). The fear of embarrassment, and also of letting my trainer down has made me do all kinds of crazy things over the last week.

I had a bit of a meltdown on the weekend and decided to take snippets of my weekly food choices, the cravings that I have etc and see i I could figure out why even when I feel like all I have eaten was cucumber, tomatoes and carrots my weight has gone up by 7lbs in a week........ what I figured out, when i decided to be honest with myself, is that while I was eating lots of veggies, I was also eating crap, throughout the week..... some examples:

-bagel with cream cheese from Tims' 730 cals (had this 3 times last week)
- large double cream, double sugar coffee from Tims' - 360 cals
- whopper with cheese and large fries - 1300 calories
- big mac and large fries - 1100 calories
- drinks and dinner at Moxies - well I had fish and chips, ate about 10 fries and 1.5 piece of fish, and oh yeah splint 2 appies with my other two friends..... lets round it off to a nice even number - lets say 3000000000!!!!!!

****yup, I did not write any food intake down, - I tend to only write down when I am eating good things*****

I decided to write out healthy, low calorie alternatives to most of this stuff and have managed to significantly lower my caloric intake on Monday and Today and voila, my weight is magically down below what it was the last time I weighed in at 245. My goal is to get below and out of the 240, I have friggin been here since the beginning of the summer. My body is still shrinking but even I am aware that I cannot shrink my body down to a size 8 and still weight 245 pounds- hahaha.

I worked out yesterday morning with my trainer and then went back last night for another 1/2 hr hill walking session on the treadmill, and then did the same thing this morning. I plan on working out tomorrow morning with my trainer and then going again tomorrow night..... I need to make this a priority again....

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Booya, I Bought a Bodybugg

I have wanted one of these things for such a long time. I have longingly watched the Biggest Loser contestants wearing them and making a statement, to me it it yelling out the the world - I am fat, and I am getting fit - and just because I'm fat, doesn't mean I should be ashamed to do so...... ok so it doesn't really say all of that to me, it's just what I think about at the thought of wearing the armband all day long and what people will think.

So anyway, yes I bought it and can't wait to get it. It was totally expensive, way out of my price range, but I turned down two trips to the Caribbean this fall plus my scheduled car maintenance was actually quite a bit less than I thought it would be, so I splurged and bought it brand new on e-bay..... Merry Christmas to me and hopefully thinner I will be....... 7 mos until I have to squeeze myself into a wet suit to do a try - a - tri, and I need to lose minimum 50 lbs, but more likely 70lbs...... I think I may need to cut off my left leg in order to make that happen, but never say never is my new motto.

Onward and downward

Friday, November 27, 2009


Today I did a boxing sequence at the gym. The first half I was balancing on a (darn, I forget what is called) but it's like half of a ball- (lol, I had a couple of bellini's tonight- can you tell :) )

Anyway the second half when I was back on the ground I found myself punching so hard, I shocked even myself.... I was literally pushing my trainer back..... I am getting stronger and feeling so much better...... but now I am only sleepy!

NOTE: Sorry for the crazy post last night- haha, and Thank you Nicole, yes it was a bosu ball, that I was balancing on - lol This morning my legs are so sore from that darn thing :D

Monday, November 23, 2009

Back to basics

Gym today-

- 10 min warmup, walking at incline 6 on the treadmill
-bonsu ball exercise, working on that balance
- stair climber 10 floors
-bike- 5k in 10 minutes
-treadmill - 3 x 1 minutes running at 5mph, total 0.5 mile
- 50 crunches holding a 15lb weight in front of me.

Food today-
- cream of wheat for breakfast with a bit of milk and 1tsp light jam
-coffee with milk (morning break)

- lunch will be corn and shrimp chowder with cukes and tomatoes on the side

-dinner will be pork tenderloin with carrots and potatoes(with sour cream)

Off to work I go.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Newly Inspired (possible Biggest Loser spoiler)

I was surfing the web and came across this after photo of Rebbecca from the Biggest Loser. I so want to look like this by next summer, and her weight in this picture is 157 lbs - My weight watchers goal weight is 159.

This made me very excited and I am ready to recommit to healthy eating (says the girl who hasn't worked out for 5 days and had burger king for dinner)

I have purged all the coffee cream, sugary drinks etc from my kitchen and I am going to commit to 1 FULL WEEK of healthy, low total calorie eating. I will definitely stretch it out over more than one week, but that is all I can commit to at the moment. My goal is to lose 20lbs by Jan 1 with will be 50 lbs gone in a year- Phew, there, I said it, now I am going to do it. Anyone coming along for the ride?

I took a quick picture of tomorrows food, I haven't written out the calories yet so I may need to add a protein shake to this or something but I was trying to work with what I have in the house, which isn't much I'm afraid- lol

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Gym update and Remembrance Day

"At the going down of the sun and in the morning. We WILL remember them" Remembering all those who have died for this country, and also those who have and continue to serve.

I had the day off work today but still had to get up early to go to my training session. So I weighed in and I at 245.4 lbs, which is down .2lbs from my last weigh in two weeks ago, but down 4lbs from my weight last week (when i didn't do an official weigh in) I will break into the 230's very soon.

I should note I did go to the gym yesterday and ran/walked on the treadmill for 1/2mile and then walked at incline of 5 for 1/2 mile, then rode the bike for 5k, so a 50 min workout in all. This morning my workout looked like this:

-weightlifting, using a 60lb bar (no extra weights) clean and jerk lifts 25 x 4 sets
- squat and lift circuit (25 reps) then lean against a ball, against a post, squat and do chest press (25 reps) I did the cycle 4 times.
- lift and squat circuit with lower weight bar (25reps x 4)
- sit on a step, lean back legs off the floor, doing chest presses with a medicine ball for 30seconds, followed by Russian situps(or Russian something or other) for 30 seconds. I did three reps of this.

Then my hour was up BUT.....

- did the step up (stair climber) machine, 15 floors at level 1(easy level)
- walked on the treadmill for 40 mins at 3.5mph and incline of 4. (did 50 mins total)

So at 11:00 I turned on the Remembrance Day ceremony from Ottawa, and well, it really hit home that my Nephew will soon be a soldier. He just passed his aptitude test with flying colours and just needs to pass his physical, and fitness test and then he will be gone.... I am glad he is finally going to be living his dream, and I am so very proud of him, but I am terrified and sad at the same time.

Trying to be a cool Aunt though, so I will be taking him soon to get his first Tatoo, and am trying to figure out something special to give him to remind him that his family is always thinking about him, since he will not be living at home! Any ideas would be appreciated.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Smoke Free- The year in review

All day today I was thinking about the ways in which my life has changed in the last year, since I quit smoking. Now there is the physical things, my skin, which was once pale and grayish, is now pink and healthy looking. My hair is shiny and much healthier, I was at the very beginning stages of having gum disease and had a lot of pain in my mouth because of this - my teeth are now totally healthy. Of course the biggest changes are on the inside. I no longer wheeze after a weekend of chain smoking, I no longer feel exhausted at the end of the day, and of course I was able to run a 5k a month ago, which was nothing more than a dream last year. Today at the gym my workout was definitely something that I never could have done a year ago. Here is what I did:

- 1/2 mile walking warm up on the treadmill.
- the step machine- the equivalent of 30 flights of stairs, non stop
- step up cycle where I had to do exercises on the step, and jump over and then do kicks and modified burpees in between and throw a medicine ball.
-boxing - 100 reps each of, jab, then cross, then jab cross, hook, and finally uppercut. (yep, that is 500 reps!)

I thought I was done at this point but
- the step machine again - equivalent to another 30 flights of stairs. (I stopped a few times to catch my breath this time)
- and then mat work. 60 crunches.

At the end of this I was absolutely drenched in sweat! The best part is that my breathing was not an issue, my legs ached and my face was red, but I never actually was out of breath, and that just wouldn't have been possible 1 year ago.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Milestone reached!

Just a quick post, just home from my shopping trip in Pennsylvannia, which I will post about tomorrow, but I just wanted to get in here and write a note to say that today is the one year anniversary of the date the I quit smoking. Wow a whole year has gone by, I cannot believe it. I will write about the many changes in the year in another post, but I found an old post from last year, at that point I was smoke free for 50 days at that time, but I found it interesting to read the excitement that I felt at that time, and also the strength that I gained from knowing that I was actually able to change something that i set out to change about myself.

Here is a link to the post to anyone who might be interested.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Socializing and trying a new tactic

I have learned that I tend to have an all or nothing type personality. in the case of eating out I either don't go at all, or else I go out and just order whatever I want, and eat everything on my plate.

I was out with a couple of friends last night and decided to try a new approach, the three of us ordered and shared an appetizer sampler. There were lots of different things but I just really nibbled on the food and ate only until I was satisfied (that included the carrot sticks on the tray) I did have a drink with it, and then we ordered a dessert trio, and I had one tiny bit of each one and that was it. Now I realize that this might not be the best choice on the menu, but I feel like it was a breakthrough for me, that I could go out, have fun, have something to drink and eat, and no go home feeling like I've "blown" it.

I am off to the States tomorrow afternoon for a few days of girl bonding and shopping, so I will get to practice this concept a little bit more.

I went to the gym this morning at my trainers urging. It was funny because he asked what time I was coming and I say 7:00. So when i was coming down the escalator at 7:00, I could see him, before he could see me, and he was watching for me, and then broke out into a huge grin when he saw that I actually came.... it was funny, and made me glad that I came. So I did the treadmill for 40 mins walking st 3.5 mph, and was on the "HiLL" setting, so the incline was changing from 2 to 9. I completed 2 miles of this and while it wasn't the same as running, boy, did I work up a sweat.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

I'm in the doghouse

Now, you know that I write a LOT about my training experience, but I rarely write about my struggles with eating. On the weekend I eluded to my bad eating habits when I wrote about binging on sugar and fat and lasagna, but the truth is I also had 4 beers, a bottle of wine, a huge bag of Doritos, and well that is all I can remember right now.

Anyway today was a weigh in day and on my scale at home I was up by 2.5lbs. I panicked and had my cell phone in hand to text my trainer that I was ill and couldn't make it in today.... then I caught myself and decided to go face the music. I asked if I could be weighed in next week and of course I had to be honest with my trainer and tell him why.

So I got an extension of one week and I gave him a goal that I would be in the 230's by next wednesday. He then proceeded to kick my ass big time here is what I did today:

treadmill: 1 mile in 16 minutes.
stair climber: 30 floors in 15 minutes
bike: 4k in 10 minutes
floor: an assortment of leg extension exercise
floor: 60 crunches to finish up

I have never been on that stair climber before, and well to be perfectly honest, I never want to get on it again.... I have NEVER sweat so much in my life.

I have a renewed determination today to get under 240 by next week, I am going to do it!

Note: What are your thoughts on Tracey from the biggest loser! She looks absolutely fabulous, that is exactly what I want my body to look like when I am done, She looks so strong and healthy and she killed that 1 mile run. Way to go Tracey, you are my inspiration for the day.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Reverse Tri

Just wanted to write down the results of my first tri workout.... we did the triathlon events in reverse so i didn't have to swim first then run through the gym in a wet bathing suit- lol.

run on the treadmill - 1 mile took 14.5 minutes
bike at level 5 (then down to 4) 5 km took about 15 minutes
swim - didn't really do any major swimming, just some arm and leg exercise to work on my stroke.

Not bad for a first try (a tri- lol)

Today, I slept in so no gym for me, and I have weigh in tomorrow, so I have to be really good to just break even from last weeks weight- Arrrrrgh, darn lasagna and beer!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Getting ready for a new week

This weekend has definitely not been the greatest. I have been eating Lasagna for all meals(yup, that includes breakfast) simply because it is here and I am too lazy to go grocery shopping... I also have beer in the house from my company on Friday, and although I am not really a beer drinker, I have had 3 beers in two days. Worst of all, and probably the most embarrassing thing to write was I had a binge on Saturday and I seriously don't know what triggered it. I filled a coffee cup with brown sugar and threw in lots of butter and cream and blanched almonds and nuked it in the microwave until it got all melty and gooey, and then I ate the entire cup even though I wanted to vomit from the sweetness of it!

Today this behavior stops!

I am going out to get some Cream of Wheat for breakfasts, and some fruit to make fruit smoothies. I also am going to pick up some Vega at the health food store. I really need to start making some smart food choices this week. I really want to get out of the 240's and the way I have been eating has simply got to stop.

Tomorrow at the gym I start swimming. Apparently I will be doing a brutal run and bike cycle and then its into the pool for a swim. I am excited actually and will write about it tomorrow.

Today I am doing laundry, and am going for a walk with a friend shortly and then off for coffee afterward.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Dinner date and Shopping

Sooooo, last night I had a dinner date with the guy I have been seeing for a little while now. Normally, I go to his place as he lives in downtown Toronto and there is way more to do down there. Last night I invited him out for a home cooked meal (he eats out way too much). His choice for a meal was lasagna, which I served with salad and bread. Everything went well, he seemed to enjoy the dinner and we both enjoyed each others company. I have really not dated in such a long time(over 10 years) so I feel like a 20 yr old in many ways, everything is all new again. To me the biggest thing to get used to is showing off my body, instead of hiding it under loose clothes. So I had on a wrap dress, brown tiger print that is fairly low cut but really shows off my curvy figure, even though I was not very comfortable putting it on. When he walked through the door, his eyes nearly bugged out of his head and he told me quite a few times how much he loved my outfit and my curvy figure..... hehehe, what a great feeling, and a definite confidence booster.

So today I went shopping, I was looking for a swimsuit for the gym as I am starting to do some swimming on Monday and need a sports style suit(which is impossible to find btw - does Speedo think that anyone over a size 16 doesn't swim - wth). Anyway, I went to Addition- Elle and didn't find any swim wear, but I did pick up the cutest top and tried on a 1 x and it actually fit, and looked fantastic. (picture will follow). I am heading to the States to go outlet shopping next weekend, and cannot wait to pick up some clothing that actually fits as most of my clothes are way too big now.

Okay, I am off to catch up on some sleep, tomorrow, I am going to do some shopping for core/filling foods. I have to get my eating under control this week. It is time to kick the 240's to the curb!!!!!

Final note to anyone who watched Biggest Loser: Does anyone else think it a bit over the top that Rudy has lost 100 lbs in 7 weeks. I mean it is great, but something in the back of my head keeps telling me it will be harder to keep it off if you lose it so fast. I admit I have a secret crush on Rudy though, he is such an easy going guy. I also loved the fact that some of the past contestants were going to be running a triathlon the next day. Woot, good for them.

Here is the top I bought (please disregard the fact that I look horrible- lol)

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Wednesday workout- its all about the core!

So this morning I did the equivalent of 1000 crunches.... That's right, I did not add an extra 0 by accident... one thousand crunches.... part of this was doing the plank which for me is 30 second intervals of pure hell..... but as my trainer reminded me, when I started working with him, I could not do the plank position at all, now I am able to hold it for 30 second intervals, and I did this 6 times today.

All in all not a bad day.... I am thinking I need to write some other stuff on here as it seems that my entire life revolves around working out. Ok I will write some more tomorrow about my date this coming Friday night, where I am cooking dinner for the first time for the guy in my life.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Dina jumps

If anyone is following the Biggest Loser, you will recall Dina and the mental block she had when it came to doing the standing jump up onto the box.... so this morning I saw the box at the gym and was telling my trainer about the show and Dina etc and he said oh you can easily do that,,,,, so my response was "um well you know I have to try before I leave today right".

So in order to build up to the height of the box (16 inches to be exact) he used a regular step, just putting the top layer on the floor and I jumped up on to it.... Then he steadily increased the height until I was doing a jump up at the same height as the box.... but then to add another challenge, he said see how many you can do in 1 minute...... I did 17!

An even bigger challenge came my way this morning..... my trainer asked if I had a swim suit! Ummmm he wants to train me in the pool on Friday!..... ugggggggghhhhhhhh now that terrifies me. Not swimming, it's the putting on a swimsuit part that terrifies me.....

Other than that, I did a full arm cycle today, and have already been warned that I will probably not be able to bend my arms for the next two days..... wednesday is core day, and I'm sure there are many many sit ups in my future....

Sunday, October 25, 2009


Finally able to post now that my arms are working again! I wish I could take back my words when I told my trainer to push me harder than ever before... After Wednesdays leg workout I was barely able to walk for three days, and Friday's workout was shoulders and back. Wasn't feeling too badly yesterday, and spent the entire day cleaning my apartment, scrubbing floors, washing windows etc, and today I am is so much pain!

When I was working out on Friday, I had to do push ups as part of my cycles. So I would do butterfly's on a machine (3 sets of 10) then on another machine I'd do a rowing exercise (1 set of 15) then on to a mat and do modified pushups (3 sets of 10). On the second set of 10, on the push up, I had to turn to the side and push one arm up into the air.... Now I had to do this cycle 3 times, by the third cycle I was hurting really bad and when I was doing the last cycle of push ups I kept saying I can't I can't I can't..... My trainer kept saying you always say you can't, when are you going to say you CAN..... So after doing this exercise, I was supposed to do some simple stretching BUT I pissed my trainer off with all of the "I can't" talk and he ran to the front and came back with the boxing gear PLUS that dreaded 40lb jacket, and I finished my workout with a really hard boxing sequence.....

The moral of my story..... I don't think I will EVER say I CAN'T again!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

5k Run - The aftermath

"The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start."
-John Bingham, running speaker and writer

I DID IT!!!!! My official time was 49min 7sec.

1657 52:48.9 10:34 49:07.8 10360 ROSS, SHARON BRAMPTON 1008/1621 91/131 W40-44

Oh boy, what a day. I cannot even tell you how proud I am to have accomplished this. I did it, and in my fastest time ever. For me the best part was the fact that there were so many things that could have stopped me from doing this run, so many excuses I could have made to have backed out of it, but I didn't, I just went for it and I have a feeling this may make all the difference in the world to me on this journey. I did it... and I now know that through hard work and proper eating anything is possible - ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.

Funny enough, there were no tears at the end of this race (well only from one of my friends), I simply felt a huge sense of accomplishment and a sense of relief as well. No more hiding, no more being afraid of judgment from others, no more not believing in myself. I am on a mission now, I've had that little taste of victory and have seen a tiny glimpse of the real me that I have been trying to find for so long. Running across that finish line I was pumping my fists in the air, and was just beaming from ear to ear, and just kept repeating to myself I did it, I really did it.....

Tomorrow its back to the gym to start training for my next step on this journey - try a tri (mini triathlon) next May!

I have included some pictures from the day, my run, me at the finish line, with my trainer, with my friends and with my medal!!!!!


I just removed the countdown clock which started at over 200 days until my run and finally it is a zero.... Yesterday, I was feeling very anxious and decided to read back over my blog posts from January of this year to date. I have faced many challenges over that time period and have overcome them and I realized that this is just another short period of time on the timeline of my life, but it is one that I will look back fondly on. The nerves are now gone, I am just going to go out there and do my best, and when I look back on this blog post 8 months from now, on the eve of my first triathlon, I want to read that today was all about conquering fears - fear of failure, fear of judgment, and fear of the unknown....

I will be back later hopefully with some pictures to upload, but for now, this girl's got a race to run!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Getting ready for the run

So here it is the day before my run. I think the nerves are gone now and I just want to get there and start. This morning I did a trial outfit and decided on this one:

I am making a music list to listen to tomorrow, lot of upbeat music, black eyed peas, Sean Paul, Sean Kingston, Pit Bull, and i think I am going to start the playlist with The Climb, by Miley Cyrus, which will remind me that is a stepping stone on my journey, and finish the run with a song by Melissa Etheridge, called "I run for life" It's about her battle with Breast Cancer and as I've written before, While this run is totally about me and my journey, it is also to mark the memory of the 10th anniversary of losing my Mom to breast cancer, so I think it will be a fitting song and will motivate me to push it hard when i am getting close to the finish line.

I just want to say thanks so much for the lovely, inspirational and motivational messages you guys left for me, I feel blessed to have cyber friends who truly get what this journey is all about, and I appreciate all of your kind words.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Thanksgiving Weekend Rambling

Have been thinking about things a lot lately. When I started this blog I gave it the name Journey to find the real me because that is truly what I wanted to gain from this journey. Not only do I believe the real me is a thin healthy person, but the real me is athletic and excels at sports and leads a very active lifestyle.

Next Sunday I run my 5k race. I am very anxious about it, but not about the actual run, I am confident in my ability, and my training, I know I can finish it.. it is more about those demons in my head that have held me back all of these years. The voices that say don't do it Sharon, you are too fat, everyone is going to laugh at you, there will not be any other 240lb women crazy enough to do this, and right now, the big one is that the race day t-shirt that I ordered is an XL and I am afraid it won't fit!!!!! This fear takes me back to grade 6 where I excelled on the girls baseball team. Literally hit a home run 90% of the time I went up to bat.... On the day of our school tournament, the coach gave us our shirts and i went into the washroom to try it on, and well yes it was about 3 sizes too small. I just remember the shame that I felt at that moment. Rather than asking the teacher for a bigger size, I hid behind a hoodie, wore it all day over my team shirt, in the sweltering heat, even though my coach asked me to take it off about 10 times. So we won the Championship, yes, I hit a lot of home runs, but the shame in my size erased a bit of my self esteem that day. In fact, that was the last time I played on an organized sports team, where I knew there would be a team uniform and that is when my weight began spiraling out of control. So here we are 30+ years later and the memory of that day is causing me anxiety over accomplishing something I have worked for 7 months to achieve..... This probably sounds ridiculous to most people, but I just wanted to write it out - it helps me to see that I am being irrational.... in fact I don't even have to wear the t-shirt they provide, I just have to wear the race bib. The funny thing is I was out shopping all afternoon yesterday, trying to find something to wear when I race next weekend, and guess what I was trying on........ you got it hoodies.

My thoughts are so jumbled these days, I think I have a clear sense of why I gained all of this weight, and then everything just won't piece together in my mind. But I am going to stop thinking about what I am wearing, and how I look, and who in the crowd is judging me, and focus on doing the best that I can, and proving to that cute chubby little girl that she can be an athlete at any weight, and that she can change her life, and she can set the bar higher than she ever imagined. I am hoping that the feeling of accomplishment I get when I cross that finish line will finally set me free from the shame of my grade 6 self.

Note: this picture is from Grade 4, when the shirt still fit.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

New Gloves and I stayed on my feet!

I truly never thought the day would come when I would be excited about buying new gloves... Now last week I bought a beautiful pair of leather gloves to wear to work, but I am talking about the everlast gloves my trainer picked up for me and gave me this morning... boxing gloves! Yeah and he chose pink ones to match my pink wrist wraps..... So today I went 21 rounds with my new gloves.... I am sore and exhausted but I know in a few hours I will feel great.... I just keep picturing toned, cut arms and shoulders and it keeps me going.....

Oh, and I did my 1 mile run on the treadmill- and I managed to stayed upright! Will post pictures of my gloves later on.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

How Embarrassing

So imagine doing your regular 1 mile warm up on the treadmill..... you are trying desperately to finish in under 16 mins..... your trainer has taken up his normal spot to cheer you on standing on the rails on your right hand side - on no wait, this morning he is on the left hand side - that's strange. Anyway you run and run and walk and run, the sweat is dripping and you are out of breath. You raise the speed limit to 6.5 mph to try and crank out your personal best time for the last 1/10 of a mile and when you get to the 1 mile mark you are completely spent and jump off of the tread mill like you always do onto the left side rail........ (insert that scratchy noisy like a needle on an album here)

Oh that's right, today your trainer is standing on your left and when you jump you hit his foot and well after that, everything becomes a blur, you feel your other foot come out from under you, and your knee go down hard on the treadmill belt, but luckily you hang on for dear life to the top hand rail, but oh no, you can feel the tread mill belt burning into both knees as it speeds along at 6.5 mph.... you feel your trainer trying to lift you up off the moving death machine but you refuse to let go of the rails which makes it impossible for him to move you(or perhaps it is your 250 lb frame). Finally your trainer pushes the stop button, and you are able to let go of the rail and slide down and off the end of the treadmill.....

Ummmmm yep, this is what happened to me yesterday morning.... luckily I wasn't hurt, well except for the rug burn type marks on my knees, along with lots of swelling on one knee, oh and of course my pride..... However, I got through it the way I always do..... I laughed hysterically...... oh and this was the beginning of my session, I still had to do Muai Thai boxing for 45 minutes after this happened, plus 100 squats in 20 min intervals. leg presses, 50 crunches and had to run around the parameter of the gym 5 times.

If I could get through the embarrassment of this morning, man I can get through anything..... oh and its ok to laugh.......seriously it is

So the question you are probably asking yourself is what was my time.... 15.5 mins :D

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Sunday Ramblings

So today I am making wedding cake #2 for a girl that I work with. She is from Pakistan and is Muslim, however since both her and her husband to be grew up here they want to incorporate the cake tradition into their ceremony, that is where I come in! So last night I baked the top tier and this morning I baked the bottom, next is the fondant and then the ribbon and pearls. I was even able to find an East Indian Bride and Groom for the cake topper. So far so good, I just want it to look decent! I will post a picture later on today. Looking forward to the wedding tomorrow night. I have never been to a Muslim ceremony and I'm looking forward to it... Next weekend another friend is getting married and she is of the Sikh religion, so I am looking forward to that as well(and I don't need to make a cake for that one- lol)

o.k. here is the cake (Nicole, don't look lol):

Saturday, October 3, 2009


I have honestly never believed that anyone in my life would sabotage my weight loss efforts, I have felt nothing but support from everyone who is close to me, so today it is really bothering me that I am feel like one of my friends was trying to sabotage me last night!

I had a couple of friends over for a girls night in, I picked up a bottle of wine and desert and one of my other friends was picking up Chinese food... So we were all adding our thoughts into the menu, chicken fried rice, steamed rice, a chicken dish, a beef dish, and baby bok choi (sp). My plan was to have steamed rice, veggies, and a small spoonful of the other two dishes. Lo and behold my friend arrives with the Chinese food and as she is putting it all out she realized that she forgot the steamed rice and the veggies! WTF

As it turns out I did not really like the chicken dish or the beef dish so I didn't overindulge, I also put together a really low point dessert (slice of pound cake with thawed frozen berries topped with pineapple coconut yogurt), and I only had two glasses of wine, so in all the night was a success weight wise. I just needed to write this down and let it go....... this friend has been nothing but supportive of my efforts so I will give her the benefit of the doubt.

On other note, I was shopping last week at Winners and bought a jacket. Now I have been big all my life, except for a brief moment in time when I was in high school and went down to 150 lbs. I have longed to be able to buy funky, stylish clothes and look good in them, but for so long I have not been able to find plus size clothing that even remotely looked cool and stylish, so I am just loving this jacket and have to tell you the best part is the purple lining, I wish I could wear it inside out..... here is a picture, which really doesn't show the style very well, it is s short motorcycle style, but you can see that it makes me happy-lol

Friday, October 2, 2009

Fitness - Phase 2, workout 2

1 mile on the treadmill -16 minutes even

3 cycles in circuit training each:
kicks, 10 on each leg and then straight leg kick, 2nd cycle 15 each, 3rd cycle 20 each;

step ups for an interval of 2 mins

jump and squat cycle onto a step(no risers)

speed walk around the gym.

2 minute break then

3 sets of 15 reps chest shoulder and back machine....

I am exhausted but feel good. I love being pushed past my comfort level.

I have yet to do my 5k race and my trainer is now planning our next adventure- try a tri (triathlon) next May.... the race consists of a short swim in open water, followed by a 10k bike and then a 2.5k run. This was always my ultimate goal.....I can't believe it is getting closer to becoming my reality...

Believe it and achieve it will be my motto for today....

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Fitness Report Card and reflection on the last 6 mos

Well I rejoined the gym for another 6 mos and since I was ending the first session I asked for the data the my trainer had collected. Here it is:

Part One - The Scale

Start date - Feb 09 Weight 265.6
Current - Sept 25 Weight 250.00 (was down to 244, but slipped a bit)

Starting BMI 41.6
Current BMI 39.2

Starting Fat % 51
Current Fat % 49.2

Part Two - Measurements

Start date - Feb 09- Current - Sept 25

starting bicep 16
Current bicep 15

starting chest 51 1/2
Current Chest 47 3/4

Starting waist 50
Current waist 44 3/4

starting hips 55
Current hips 50 3/4

starting thigh 31 1/2
current thigh 27 3/4

starting calf 19 1/2
Current calf 18 1/4

Total inches lost = 21

I thought it may be a good idea to reflect on some other changes I've noticed
- clothes went from busting out of a 22 to fitting into a 18 or even some size 16.
- have been able to buy 3 pieces of clothing from non plus sized section or store, and they actually fit and I wear them, and they are not socks!
- when I started out I could barely walk without pain due to lower back pain and now my back is strong and healthy and I walk nice and straight
- I have gone from being able to do 10 sit ups to doing 250 at one time
- I can currently leg press 525 lbs
- I am training and will complete a 5k run on October 18.
- I am in the process of buying boxing gloves so I can participate more often in Kickboxing workouts (I've always had a secret desire to box, just never imagined it would happen)
- The thought of smoking again is now just a distant memory, no desire what so ever to smoke.... (just bought my niece a smoke free hypnosis session, I want her to quit at 20 and not wait until she is 40 like her dumbass aunt!)
- Started dating again, and have actually realized many men love a curvy woman!!!!!
- My confidence is through the roof.... Now when someone stares at me instead of thinking they are judging me, I think they are commenting on my HOTNESS- hahaha
- I am winning the battle over the negative self talk. I no longer think I can't do it, I know I can, I can do anything I set my mind to, I have finally proven that to myself.
- Finally, and most importantly I AM HAPPY, I am loving my life, and for the first time in a very long time, I am loving the person that I am.

I had a brief lapse in confidence and was scared about continuing on this journey to find the real me - but today all I can say is BRING IT!


Sunday, September 27, 2009

Fork in the road

The last week has been a wake up call for me. My personal training sessions ended about a week and a half ago, and it just so happened that my trainer went on vacation during the same time period. As of today it has been 10 days without exercise, I have not gone to the gym at all. I did go for a walk in the park one evening, but left after about 10 minutes to go shopping at Winners. So why the fork in the road you may ask? Well, I have been thinking about things this week, you know pondering how far I have come in the last 9 mos or so, and while I have come a long way, I began doubting whether I have been giving this process my all. I know my eating, especially binging is not under control, in fact this week proved that to me. I have been saving every penny to pay for my next block of personal training sessions, and it is a LOT of cash, well for me anyway - 10 grand to be exact... and I am thinking that I could just try doing this on my own and use that money to put towards a new car, or my dream trip to Australia, or some renos on my condo.

I finally realized yesterday, that yes I have reached a fork in the road, the low road is the easier road, just give up, go back to my old habits, or take the high road, which I know is the more difficult road, in fact that road is pretty much going to lead me up a mountain. I think I realized that I am afraid. I have my 5k race coming up in 3 weeks, and I think my mind is telling me just give up right now, but giving up on this is giving up on me, and I know this is may be my last chance to complete this journey that I started last November when I quit smoking.. I truly am beginning to get a glimpse of the real me, the beautiful, confident, athletic and happy woman who I lost somewhere along the way.

So I have decided I am going to continue along the high road for now, up the side of that mountain. I go back to the gym tomorrow morning and will sign up for another 6 mos of personal training sessions right away, before I can chicken out again and then take it a day at a time. I heard a song on the radio this weekend, I'm embarrassed to say it is by Miley Cirus (sp), but the words reached my core and I think gave me the strength to just suck it up and continue.... The song is called The Climb, I will put the lyric on here so that I can come back and view them later.

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
The pain I'm knowing
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on,

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It's all about
It's all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith

Saturday, September 12, 2009

5K Trial Run

So today I did the trial 5k. This bit may be TMI so skip this paragraph if you like(I am trying to truly document my journey and this is part of it). So last night, I was violently ill with stomach cramps and the big "D". I don't think I have mentioned this before but I suffer from IBS or irritable bowel syndrome, and I never know when I am going to have an episode.... I have been trying to follow the nourishment rules set out by my trainer prior to doing the run but alas, these rules did not agree with my stomach, and the anxiety over today's run did not help.

Anyway, I did not have any water in my system, in fact I was probably dehydrated, and with 5 minutes left before leaving for the park I was seriously considering NOT going.... Then I thought about my goals and how badly I want to find the real me- the athlete, the fit person, the confident person, that I just sucked it up and left.

about 1k into it I convinced my self to just give up.... everyone was way ahead of me (which I was ok with) but I did not have the confidence to run, because the path was along the road where everyone could see me. So I decided I would stop at the 2k point and just say I couldn't finish it.... Then I saw my trainer up ahead, coming back to meet me. I told him I was dehydrated and wasn't going to keep going and he hugged me and told me I had to believe in myself the way he did, he knew I could do it....... and so he walked with me and we ran for short spurts and then he left to start timing in the other runners. I told him please tell the others to leave(I didn't want them waiting around for me). So off I went, my trainer came and checked in with me once more and then I was on my own.....

The last part of the run was on the track and one of the girls came our and did the final lap with me (we ran) and we ran in together to the finish line. All the others stayed too and cheered me in.

The best part (besides the fact that I finished) was my time.... It was right around 50 min. (I for get the exact time, but it was between 49-50 mins)

Now I am a bit tired, but I also now know that I can do it and considering I walked most of the 5k, I can improve a lot in the next 5 weeks and come up with a much better time on race day.

Friday, September 11, 2009

The eve of something big!

Well big to me anyway. Tomorrow morning a group of us are meeting at a park here to do a practice 5k run! eeeeek. I've only actually run 5k once, that was on a treadmill and I was told that is much easier than running outside.

Still, as much as I am scared to death, I am excited as well...

On another note, my sister called me last night to tell me my Nephew joined the Canadian Armed Forces yesterday, or at least he has taken the first step to joining. I knew this is what he wanted to do and I have been helping him get his GED so that he could join, but I have to say, last night I cried for hours thinking about this. Anyway, today, he called me and was telling me all about it, and he is sooooooooo happy and excited and I haven't seen him like this in such a long time, that I decided I will not be sad, I will be happy for him. So if all goes as planned he will do 16 weeks of basic training in Ontario and then will be posted to NFLD as part of a tank and artillery team (whatever that means- lol). Hey, I'm from Toronto, we only call in the army when it snows- hahahaha

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Thursday ramblings

Just back from the gym, today I did 1 mile in 15:56. It was so nice to see the number 15 in front of the time. Very hard today though, there was nobody else in the women's only section(for most of the time anyway) and I did not have to be accountable to anyone else but me. Hmmmm I think there is a lesson to myself in there somewhere- lol.

My goal for today is to order my coffee with milk and no sugar instead of the double double. Normally I go through the drive through I keep saying in my head, milk only, milk only milk only.... all the way to the box where you order and when they ask what I want I a blurt out a large double double! Whaaaaaat.

I am off to make my green monster for breakfast and for lunch I am having ryvita bread with roasted red pepper hummus and tomato slices, and perhaps some soup too.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Training schedule has begun

So for the next little while I will be doing nothing but preparing for the 5k race on October 18, so my blog space will be a wee bit boring for a while. I am going to try and track food and exercise and my feelings about the run. I have to admit I am beginning to get cold feet about doing this - I'm not fit enough, I'm not thin enough, everyone is gonna stare and laugh at the fat girl attempting to run etc, etc etc..... I am trying to block this out of my head and just worry about that the day of the race.

Anyway, today I ran 2 miles. I did the first mile in a time of 16 minutes, the second mile(which I walked most of the way) was 18.8. My knee is still bothering me but I am stoked about the 16 minute mile, as my goal for the 5k race is a time of 45 minutes which is roughly a 15 minute mile.

I have a first trial run this Saturday, so my trainer told me in preparation of the run not to eat beef, or fish, no vinegar, no high glycemic food, such as white rice, and nothing fried. So, my lunch today is salmon, jasmine rice and zucchini brushed with olive oil and balsamic vinegar- lol...... I will follow his rules beginning tomorrow. Oh and I had a green monster for breakfast - fat free soy milk, frozen banana, frozen blueberries 1 scoop of protein powder and two cups of fresh spinach. It is surprisingly good... HONEST! So dinner was not too great, I had a individual size frozen pizza, with peperoni and veggies. Not great, but not too bad either. The only other thing I had today was a large double double from timmies. I really need to wean myself off of the cream and sugar (Any non Canadians who are actually reading this, a large double double is coffee with two creams and two sugars from our favorite coffee and dounut shop- Tim Hortons)

Hey Blue. I was at a Newfie Jig on Sunday. My sisters in laws are from NFLD and have a huge horseshoe throwing tournement every year with all their family and friends from back home. The music was blasting (think I's a bye who builds the boat) everyone was up doing the jig and there was a big pot of salt beef served at dinner! It was so much fun, and every one was so friendly and welcoming. (well they are Newfoundlanders right!)

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Drive by post

to say my eating is out of control, and I need to put an end to it immediately. On the other hand I have completed a monthly fitness test at the gym and I have improved quite a bit since last month. Examples

pull up (chin up) last month 7, this month 18

step ups (on a bench) last month 30, this month 41 (in 2 minutes)


leg lifts- last month I lifted 295lbs, this month 545lbs (hahaha I am SERIOUS)

Only problem is my knees are sore today from the strain of the leg lifts.

less than 50 days until I run the 5k and I am nowhere near where I want to be which I think is bringing on the binge eating. *sigh*

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Major Setback or Major Breakthrough????

For the last little while I have written a bit about my trainer trying to figure me out- how to motivate me to reach my goals, we had the bashing me session, and we had the challenge to lose 20 lbs or shave my head. Neither worked. On Friday, my trainer told me he has been thinking about me a lot trying to figure me out.... I told him even i haven't figured me out, so please enlighten me once he has- lol.

That conversation got me thinking about what the "problem" is. On my drive home from work Friday I was still pondering this when it hit me like a ton of bricks: there is no problem- I am thrilled to death with my progress thus far and even though the weight it coming off slowly, I have changed both internally and externally in the last 8 months. I still have to speak to my trainer about this new found revelation but it's nice to not be worrying about what I am doing wrong, and be proud of me for what I am doing right.

Now talking about what I am doing wrong- lol. I decided it was time to let loose for an evening and forget about watching weight, or exercise or dating troubles and hook up with my girlfriends for a wild night out.... It started with wine and pizza (lots and lots of pizza) and went downhill from there. But I had an awesome time, drank waaay too much and feel like a bag of shyte today. The good news is I am ready to refocus and plan and kick things back into high gear again.

One final note, even though I did not reach my final 20lb goal, I decided to go get my hair cut and colored yesterday and I made sure my make up was perfect and I was dress in proper fitting clothes. I even have a picture (lol) (photo has been deleted, every time I look at it I break out laughing...)

I am SUCH a poser- lol. You can always tell when I am feeling good about myself because I do that little pouty thing that my friends laugh at- hahaha. BUT I must say, I got quite a bit of attention from the men last night, and THAT felt wonderful.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Blog Award!

Blog Award!
I am the proud owner of my first blog award, thank you Tina's Journey with WW for a lovely surprise.

The rules:

Step 1 – Acknowledge the giver.
Step 2 – Pass the award onto 15 other blogs that I love

To start off, I would like to give this award to:

1. A Berry Blueberry Blog
2. Memoirs of a Fat Girl Going Skinny
3. When I Turn 40.....
4. Sephgirl's Weight-loss Journey
5. Vegetarian Loser

and of course:

6. Tina's Journey with WW

Thanks for the inspiration and for the wonderful feedback to my posts :)

Friday, August 21, 2009

Friday weigh in

Weigh in (home scale) 242.5

I am off to the gym for my weekly weigh in and workout. Lets hope their scale is kind to me as well, and I have a couple of lbs off. Back later.

Follow up: so I weighed in at the gym and lost 0.6lbs. I had a talk with my trainer and we have decided to sort of scrap the 20lb challenge. He said that the challenge was supposed to motivate me, but it was obviously causing my distress and that is not healthy!

So, today I worked my butt off doing upper arms and shoulders and back. My hands are still shaky as I type this, and I KNOW I am going to be sore tomorrow. Add to this the fact that my calves, thighs and butt are killing me today from Wednesday's workout and I am pretty much a mess- lol.

I picked up my bike yesterday and took it back to the cycle store to get a tune up, so i will pick it up later today, I have made plans to ride with a friend of mine, who lives close to the country. I am looking forward to the biking a lot, plus I bought a new helmet that makes me look so athletic. hahahaha.

I picked up my bike this afternoon and went by my dad's house to show him (he used to race bikes when he was young and I thought he might enjoy seeing it). So my uncle was there visiting him and I haven't seen him for quite some time...... and he commented on how much weight I have lost! Yippee, he is a very quiet man and normally doesn't say much so for him to mention my weight loss is awesome....

I am going out to see the Ugly Truth tonight and then out for a drink and appies with friends. But I will try my hardest to be good.

One final note that needs to be documented. My Nephew Jason called to tell me that he passed his high school equivilency exam. He is so excited, I told him I am proud of his accomplishment and told him that my Dad, his Papa had tears in his eyes when he told me earlier today, we are all very proud of him. He is now one step closer to his dream of being in the Armed Forces. He is now contemplating joining the Air Force instead of the Army.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


Morning weigh in 246.5

Monday, August 17, 2009

Happy Monday and my first 5k

Morning weigh in : 249.5

So today at the gym I did my very first full 5k run/walk. it took me 58 minutes to complete and i was completely exhausted when i finished. My trainer was talking to me the whole way about goals and seeing myself in the future and what is stopping me from really getting going... I was getting upset as it was because I was tired and I have come to the realization that I will not make my 20lb goal by september 4, and that has been eating me up. Then he mentioned that if someone I loved was dying of cancer and me running for ten minutes would save them, I would most definitely do it. This hit such an emotional chord with me. As I have written before, this year is the 10th year anniversary of my Mom's death to breast cancer and my goal is to run the 5k in her honour, so yeah, if running 5k straight would erase the pain that I and my family has suffered over the last 10 years I would run a marathon. Anyhow, I suppose I was a little bit tired or moody or whatever, because i totally broke down and cried as i was running*sigh*. I hate to be weak, but it just got to me, which I think is what my trainer was trying to do actually. Anyway, not looking for pity, just wanted to document my day in case I need to re-read it at a later date for inspiration.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

New Bike

Morning weigh in: 251!

I bought a new bike on E Bay yesterday! One of the sellers is the Police Auctions in Toronto, and they had this nice looking bike on there which I bid on an won. It does need some upgrading, a new seat and just an overall maintenance, which I will have done at a local bike shop. This bike retails for over $400.00 though so I am happy with the deal I got. Looking forward to picking it up and getting into bike riding. Woot I am one step closer to my triathlon next summer..... Here is the bike:

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Comparison Pic

morning weigh in: 244lbs

I am struggling today, and was looking for some inspiration. I think I have found it in these photos. The first one was taken last September while I attempted to hike at a nearby park. I remember I was just getting over a ruptured disk in my back and could barely walk for longer than 10 minutes without being exhausted. I was in some serious pain in this photo. I was also a smoker. I quit 2 mos after this picture was taken and I should mention gained about more about 20 more pounds before January 1, 2009.

I was 260lbs in the first pic and 245 in the 2nd, so only 15lbs lighter but I can see a pretty big difference...can you? This is the motivation I need to see that working out is helping - A LOT!

Here is a close up of my face. Is there a difference? I think I just look healthier in the second picture(even though I look horrible - smile much-lol)

Friday, August 14, 2009

2 week boot camp- Day 3 & Weigh in

Official weight: 244.5

I am so frustrated with the scale. I think this week I am not going to look at the scale at all and just try and focus on eating right and exercising lots.

Today was a brutal workout. Basically all legwork, which began with walking then running the perimeter of the gym, and then doing some arm and chest work and then three kicking cycles which were brutal, followed by a squat cycle (50 squats at a time) and ending with yet another run around the gym! Phew, makes me tired just reading it!

Anyway, back on track today, I am going to browse a farmers market this morning, going for a pedicure this afternoon, and going on a date this evening! Sigh, I love being on vacation.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

2 week boot camp- Day 2

morning weigh in: 243

I am an absolute slug today. If you've ever heard of Senna tea, I drank some of that last night, and today I am staying close to the bathroom (Yuck TMI I know). It was recommended to me as a cleanse. My body fat has been dropping but my actual weight has not, I'm not quite sure if I am full of water or full of something else- lol

Today I will be running up and down the stairs in my condo to the laundry room and plan on getting in an hour at the gym this afternoon. I may even head into the sauna and try and sweat out some more fluid before weigh in tomorrow morning.

I will write more later.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

2 week boot camp- Day 1

morning weight: 243

Exercise: 1 hr with trainer (wearing 40lb weighted vest)

-20min on the treadmill, goal 1.2 mile in 15 min (plus 5 min warm up), I managed 0.9 in 15 minutes

- balance of session was various exercises for a full body workout,

Workout intensity: Very high

In the spirit of my bootcamp, my trainer pulled out this weighted vest for me to wear. Of course my first thought was it's never going to fit me, but it did, although there was a gap in the front. My fear turned to absolute dread when he told me it weighed 40lbs. I felt every one of those 40lbs to the point where at one point I was on the floor, on a mat but could hardly muster the strength in my legs to pull myself up. Only a few months ago I was carrying an extra 30lbs around with me everywhere! Needless to say, the workout was super intense, I had to work way harder and it shed a lot of light because this is close to my start weight and it felt like it did when I started. My trainer was using this as an exercise to show me what I will go back to if I don't keep exercising, but me with my rose colored glasses, thought firstly about how far I have come in a few months, and secondly, if working out is so much easier 40 lbs lighter, just imagine how much easier it will be when I knock off another 80 :)

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

I really DO have abs!

I found this to be true this morning when I got the full effect of yesterday mornings workout. I feel as though there are a thousand little people banging hammers into my gut...... and when I cough or sneeze, well the pain is intense. I just keep on telling myself that I really DO have abs and even though my six pack is covered in a thick layer of insulation, they are still there!

I am officially on vacation, now, I need to somehow lose a lot of weight in the next few weeks so I need to be focused and I am going to document both my weigh fluctuations as well as what exercise I do, hopefully this will keep me more accountable. No excuses, it's time to get my ass in gear and kick it up a notch (or ten)

I start with my personal training session tomorrow morning, I will do a weigh in first thing tomorrow (on my home scale) and document from there.

Monday, August 10, 2009

weigh in results and a NSV

Just a quick post. I missed weigh in on Friday, so I did it today. Lost 1lb which is good. I still need to lose 14lbs by the end of this month to fulfill the challenge to lose 20lb. I still maintain that I am going to do it... I know I am still holding on to lots of water so the 14lbs is not all fat and will come off eventually.

So today my trainer told me to just run on the treadmill for as long as I could.... no time limits or expectations just do what felt comfortable.... previous to today my longest time was three minutes.... today I ran for 5 minutes straight, and I wasn't completely exhausted either....

Right, off to work, two more days and then I am on 2 weeks vacation, I cannot wait!

Monday, August 3, 2009

Recuperation and a slight tumble from the wagon

All I have to say is Saturday was my sisters wedding, and yesterday was my birthday. There was lots of food and alcohol involved in the last two days and today the scale is up 5lbs...... Yikes, I have to do some major damage control this week. I was planning on getting a hair cut this week but I may as well just leave it as it appears I will be shaving it all off at the end of the month anyway. Arrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhh

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Friday weigh in and cake

Yesterday I woke up and checked myself on my scale, I was exactly the same as I was last week. I began panicking about go to the gym and weighing in but I finally made it out the door. So walking towards the scale, I told my trainer I didn't think I did well, he said, I'm gonna yell at you Sharon (said with a smile on his face though), so I looked at him and said, please don't I have had a crappy week and I really cannot handle it today. I will either kick you (thanks Blue for the suggestion) or I will turn around and walk out of here in tears.....

So I lost 0.4 (2lbs of fat). I told him I don't understand, I have been eating really well all week, he asked if I drink crystle light and I told him I do. he said not to as it makes you retain water! who knew. So I am now giving that up in the hopes of dropping this weight.

So there is one month left in my challenge and I need to lose 15lbs by the end of August or shave my head! I have booked two weeks vacation later this month so I can see long hours in the gym in my future- but I WILL SUCEED.

Now today is my sisters wedding, and last night I was doing the cake. A friend of mine came over at around 8 last night and we worked on putting it together. It looks pretty, probably not what it would have looked like if it was professionally done, but then again it didn't cost $600.00!

I will post pictures later today. I also will post pictures of my boxing wraps that my trainer brought in for me on Friday. They are pink and so pretty, and he also brought in his own boxing gloves that he wears when he competes, so I was feeling super awesome on Friday and did a really hard 10 round x 1 minute Thai boxing session, which was really hard but fantastic!

Here is the cake:

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Gym Update- Wednesday Edition

This morning I was given the challenge of doing a rowing machine time trial. I needed to do 100 meters in 5 minutes. The last time I did this I did it in 8 minutes. So off I went pretending I was Marnie McBean or something silly like that. I was trying to focus on the distance that was ticking away. Anyway I nearly keeled over but I did it in under 5 mins. When I was done, my trainer was super excited and said I was actually faster than some of the 20 yr old guys that he trains! Woot, that made me feel grand.

lots of leg work today, and some extra cardio. Tomorrow morning I am going to attempt running for 4 minutes straight for the first time. Wish me luck, I think I'm going to need it- lol

Monday, July 27, 2009

Gym post

A sleepy Monday. I was out late last night (with Sean!) and it was really hard to wake up this morning. Anyway, got to the gym and did a 20 minute run walk cycle, run 1 min, walk 1 min, run 2 min walk 2, run 3, walk three, then did the 2 and 1 cycle again. It was so much easier this morning. I think my legs are getting stronger. I also did a bunch of arm and shoulder exercises and lots of stretching to balance it all out.

Not much else is going on, so far the cake adventure is tanking - BIG TIME....Arrrrrrrgh.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Friday workout and weigh in

This morning I had my 3rd weigh in....... I lost 1 lb BUT, since I am on my period I am happy because I normally gain 3 to 5 pounds during this time. The big news is that I lost 5lbs of FAT since Monday. Yeah I am stoked.

Today we did some more martial arts, I guess it is part of Thai Boxing, but today was all about kicking. I kicked my trainers pads so much, my legs from the knee to foot was beet red and I'm sure will be black and blue tomorrow.... I love this workout. Apparently I burned in excess of 1000 calories today.

I plan to kick up the cardio this weekend and do an hour on the treadmill both Saturday and Sunday.

Also, my younger sis is getting married next weekend, a small family do at a nice restaurant, but I am bringing the cake, so I am doing a trial run this weekend and will immediately take it in to work to be eaten.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Wednesday workout

I'm a bit behind here, but I do want to post about wednesdays workout, I think I have found my calling, as far as fitness goes...... it is BOXING! I actually got to put on the big red boxing gloves and learn several punching and kicking combinations. It felt so awesome and it made me feel strong, and fit and fricken cool..... I had at least 3 people come up to me and make a cool comment about my boxing my trainer- lol. They were all guys and it was clear that they were liking the fact that I was sparring with my trainer. I felt great and since my trainer does MMA (mixed martial arts) and loves teaching boxing, I think this will be incorporated more into my workouts. He is even getting me some wraps for my wrists and hands for tomorrow. My wrists were bending because of the force of my punches which really hurt and my knuckles are skinned because of the friction inside the gloves.

Now this morning I could not go to workout though..... I woke up and could not move my arms. My legs are still sore from my workout on Monday. My hands and wrists are all cramped up from the boxing gloves and one knuckle is all cut from chafing. Add to that menstral cramps, and a low pressure headache and that pretty much sums up how I was feeling this morning- lol

Anyway, tomorrow is another weigh in and I am very worried. I am all bloaty and I am afraid I will be facing another outburst from my trainer like last week!.

I will finish with an NSV. I just came back from Shoppers Drug Mart, where I went to pick up a few things. In the drive over, I started to think about chips (my absolute downfall). I walked around the store and found myself in the chip isle thinking I would pick up a bad and have one or two (yeah right) So I found a can of low fat pringles, then saw a smaller can of pringles and looked at the calories. hmmmmm 150 calories for 28 g, which is roughly 1/10 of the big can or something ridiculous like that. Then I calculated when I go to the gym and nearly kill myself trying to run on the treadmill, I burn about 250 cal in 40 mins..... it made me realize that first off, I would probably be up on the scale tomorrow because of water weight, and second, i would need to run on the tread mill for like 3 days straight to burn off those chips... I decided it was not worth it and put them down and happily walked away. I HAVE NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE!!!!! They will definitely look better on someone else's ass than mine :)

Monday, July 20, 2009

Monday Weigh in

So I had a weigh in this morning and since Friday I lost 2.6lbs..... I am still 1 lb over the target that I should be at but I plan on making that up this week. Today's PT session was rather brutal. 5 min warm up on the bike, followed by a running cycle (not on the treadmill, through the gym) where I was doing 400 m sprint/walk cycles.... and I did it 5 times. Then it was on to some weigh lifting, targeting my hamstrings and some squats with a 25lb barbell over my shoulder, and then we finished up the day with 100 sit ups. It wasn't too bad, and my trainer was in a good mood today-no yelling, no tears, it was a good day

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Sunday, July 19

Met up with a friend of mine this morning and we hit a local high school to get in some exercise. They had a great track so we did run/walk intervals for 1 mile. Then we did some stretching and some lines across the football field, crossovers, lunges, squats, high knees. Not bad and it was cool out today, so no sweating :) My friend Nareefa and I were laughing because we used to meet up weekly and go out to a restaurant and eat, and now we meet up weekly and oh my how things have changed, but we both feel better for it!

My plans to meet up with my cousin later have fallen through, so I may attempt another visit to the gym today and do some running on the treadmill.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Gym Update

Went to the gym this morning and did 45 minutes of cardio (2 miles in 40 mins)then did 15 mins on the machines. I'm sure I sweat out about 3lbs- lol.... When I came home my weight was back down to where I was last Friday, and before this weeks gain. So now I only need to lose another 2 lbs before Monday's weigh in ***sigh****

Friday, July 17, 2009

Hard Day at the Gym

Today, I went to the gym pumped at the running cycle I was supposed to be doing. I had my weekly weigh in first and was up 1.6lbs. Not quite sure how this happened as I was pretty good this week for the most part, but I was up. My trainer was really mad! I went to the treadmill to start my warm up and he came up behind me and just went on and on and on about how I am soooooo far behind where I should be and I'm not giving enough of an effort and if I keep gaining weight at this rate, I will be 100 lbs heavier in two years and that I am simply wasting my money if I keep going at this pace. I was walking on the treadmill looking straight ahead with my eyes totally filled with tears. I was about 1 second away from jumping off the treadmill and running into the change room to bawl my eyes out :(

The thing is, I am not a very confident person, and my confidence has been soaring based simply on what I have been able to accomplish since joining the gym. I think all of the ground that I gained in the last 6 mos was wiped out by his tirade.....

Anyway he told me the cycle I had to do was run for 1 min, walk for 1 min, run for 2 minutes, walk for 2 minutes, run for 3 minutes, walk for 3 minutes, and then repeat the 2 minute cycle and the 1 minute cycle. Up until now, I have barely been able to run for 2 minutes, so the thought of running for 3 minutes absolutely freaked me out BUT, I was so upset, and knew that my trainer was upset that I didn't dare stop running, and I absolutely killed all of the cycles..... I RAN FOR 3 MINUTES STRAIGHT!

I really didn't get the total satisfaction of this accomplishment though because I left feeling so upset about the whole morning. After thinking about it, I hope (or maybe I just want to believe) that he was just trying to get me going, to make me push harder than I ever have. I am going back tomorrow morning to run again on my own, and I will try to duplicate the cycle I did today. I am going to push through the discomfort and kick some ass. Maybe I'll even try for a 4 minute cycle just to prove that I CAN do this and I CAN push myself harder.

To end on a good note, after the gym I was upset and on my drive into work (on the highway) i was thinking about everything that happened, and again the tears started welling up in my eyes (I am the biggest WIMP ever, I know this and admit it to you). Anyway there was a guy in the car next to me and his doggie had his head out of the back window, and well you can imagine how windy it was and this doggies lips (do dogs have lips) were just flapping around in the wind..... I burst out laughing and the "Trainer Bob" episode at the gym was forgotten.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Gym Update

Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

So today was an "extra" day, meaning I did not work with my trainer, but went in to do some cardio. I did a 20 minute interval on the treadmill- 1:1 run/walk interval which I am happy with. It is always so much harder to push myself when I don't have BJ standing beside me telling me I can do it.

My counter tells me that it is under 100 days until I do my first 5k race. This is keeping me motivated, and is also making me nervous.....

Off to work I go.......

Wednesday, July 15, 2009


I have not felt like writing anything for the last while, but thought it's time to get back to it. I always seem do stay more focused when I write stuff down.

So today at the gym I did a 5 min warm up on the treadmill, and then BJ told me my goal for today is to do 1 mile in under 20 mins. So I did intervals 1 min run at 4 mph, 1 min walk at 2mph, for the entire time and I clocked in at about 18 mins, so not bad. The good thing is that my recover (walk time) was 1 minute when it is normally 2 minutes, so this is progress. I talked to BJ about perhaps doing some shorter sprints, as perhaps if I can push through some harder speeds, moving back down to a lower speed will allow me to run for a longer period. He thought that was a good idea and said we will try it next week. The second half of the class was all about the legs. Doing lines (high knees, lunges, frankensteins-lol I love the names) and then the last 15 minutes was on the bonsu ball. It was a rough workout but I made it through pretty decently. I need to make my goal of 2lb loss this week to stay on target with my 20 lb goal I have set, so I am trying to work out at a higher intensity than normal.

Not much else going on in my life at the moment, gearing up to take a couple of weeks holiday at the beginning of August which I am soooooo looking forward to.

Friday, July 3, 2009

250....... this is the number

of fricken crunches my trainer made me do today, and that is after doing a 45 minute cycle on the treadmill, which included 1 minute running intervals 10 times.

I was told last Friday that I am not progressing as quickly as I should and that I need to up my level of commitment, that means doing a workout every day, as well as working harder during my training sessions. This was hard to hear but it is the truth. For anyone who watched the biggest loser, I find that I am a lot like Joelle who is always trying to talk her way out of doing something..... I have Bob's tirade bookmarked on utube and have been watching it( it's the "shut the *F* up and do it" episode).

So I have been given a challenge. Lose 20lbs in the next two months or ...... shave my head bald! The key here was for me to pick a consequence that I just would NOT let happen, and well I am pretty fanatical about my hair, so this is what I chose. On a good note, I am feeling stronger when I am running, my legs are looking stronger, I am still shrinking, and at 251 lbs, I am fitting into size 18 clothes (even some of my old size 16 stuff nearly fits)

Once again things are tough, but I am trying to rise to the occasion and prove to myself that I can do this.......

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Just my luck.........

After so many years of absolutely loathing my body and FINALLY taking steps to finally do something about it, I meet the perfect man for me, he is absolutely amazing in just about every way imaginable, and he adores me and my curvy figure. He doesn't just accept me as fat, he PREFERS me this way. He tells me I am beautiful and sexy and feminine and all of the things that I have NEVER felt about myself and the thing is I believe that he REALLY thinks this. I am trying to just take it day by day and enjoy the confidence boost that he gives me but I have said to him over and over, we may have met at the wrong time because I am on my way to becoming a thin, trim athlete, so he better enjoy me while he can. lol.... He actually thinks I am kidding.....

Hmmm what else is going on. I have been keeping a very detailed food journal for the last week, after my disappointing weigh in last week. I have been counting fat, carbs, protein and calories in everything I eat. This has made a huge difference and I see the weight on the scale finally moving downward. I am actually looking forward to my next weigh in.

Finally, I had my hypnotherapy session on Thursday which was really good. It was all about visualization. I was visualizing my weight going down and how I would feel with each pound lost. She made reference to me walking along a beach and there were numbers stretched out along the beach, starting with my current weight and going downward to my goal weight.... She asked me if I would be ok with letting 257 go and I said yet, so she had me wipe out 257 with my foot. She keep going down pound by pound and then every 10 pounds all the way down to my goal. About half way through my mind was getting so into this exercise, I was not just wiping the number out of the sand, I was kicking the shit out of it. Grinding it away as hard as I could, I think to make sure that number could NEVER come back to mess up my life again! She then had me visualize my 5k run in October, the way I will feel. The sound of the crowd, the sound of all the runners surrounding me at the start of the race, and the way I will feel as I run toward the finish line. I could feel a real "ugly cry" coming on (you know when your face scruntches) but I held it back for the most part, but I couldn't stop my lips from quivering and I couldn't stop the lone tear that escaped from the corner of my eye and ran down the side of my face..... She asked me how I feel, finishing the race, and I said I feel happy, and so VERY proud of myself. I relived that feeling yesterday reading the blog post of a fellow w.w. who just completed her first 5k run and she spoke about crying when she finished the race..... I cried right along with her when reading the post. Honestly, unless you have lived as an obese person, I don't think you can understand how much has to be overcome to get to the point where we are able to go out and run a 5k race....... and it's not just about the running, it is so much more. That is what I love about reading peoples blogs. There definitely is strength in numbers and when others succeed, it gives me the strength and the courage to continue in my journey. I am getting through each and every workout, all the pain, all the sweat, all the hard work, by thinking about nothing else but crossing that finish line!

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Two steps back

Yesterday morning I had a weigh in. I was actually 1lb more than I was at my last weigh in. I was very disappointed but tried to keep focusing on the fact that my body IS transforming regardless of the weight gain. I did manage to lose 3lbs of fat which is great. Today, I am regrouping, I need to get my focus back and think about all of the reasons I am going through this journey. I am off to stock up on groceries and plan out my meals for the next week. I have promised my trainer that I would track everything for the next week so that we can see what changes I can make to my diet.

I have to say, that after the weigh in portion I only had a 30 minute session left and BJ totally kicked my ass, 30 minutes of hard core lunges (while holding a medicine ball over my head) and squats, while doing boxing punches holding 2lb weights) plus in between that I was running around the gym, or doing another high knees exercise that was very intense. I wonder if this was payback from my trainer for the 1lb gain....... hmmmmmmm.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Time to crack down on my eating.

I have my next weigh in next Friday. I have only lost about 1-2 lbs since my last weigh in last month. I will need to kick it into high gear this week and workout hard and watch what I eat.

I am kicking myself because I have fallen back into the old w.w. pattern. Eat poorly for the first 3 or 4 days after weigh in and then kick it into high gear for the next couple of days before I weigh in again. I am fooling nobody and I shouldn't need the fear of disappointing somebody else (in this case my trainer) to make me want to follow my program.

This is the next thing I need to work on.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Killing time.

Jeez I am feeling bored tonight and I'm trying to stay away from the kitchen. The truth is I was supposed to be going out on a long awaited date tonight, however I was advised late Thurdsay that he could not make it and asked if I would consider a raincheck until this week. Under normal circumstances I would have said no worries, however, there is a bit of a history here and I told him it's probably better to just not even try to reschedule. I really had a great feeling about this guy when I met him but I am no longer sure and I think I would rather concentrate on working towards a brand spanking new me instead of falling into another doomed relationship. lol

Anyway, I have been adding some new quotes to my page. I absolutely love inspirational quotes. I remember as a teen having the words "TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE" placed on the wall just inside the door of my bedroom. It used to inspire me to move forward. Forget the past and concentrate on the future. Somehow I managed to forget about that quote but perhaps I will have to find a new spot to write it down. The quote about power = strength over time came from an old video I have about Oprah Winfrey and her weight loss efforts. I never forgot that, and hopefully I am well on my way to being powerful. Finally, a few years back I signed my niece up for boxing. She was having some trouble at home and was a very angry kid and we both thought it would be good for her. On the night she signed up they gave me a brochure to read over and I found this on the inside. It has since become my absolute favourite and motivating passage to read.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Marianne Williamson