Thanksgiving Weekend Rambling

Have been thinking about things a lot lately. When I started this blog I gave it the name Journey to find the real me because that is truly what I wanted to gain from this journey. Not only do I believe the real me is a thin healthy person, but the real me is athletic and excels at sports and leads a very active lifestyle.

Next Sunday I run my 5k race. I am very anxious about it, but not about the actual run, I am confident in my ability, and my training, I know I can finish it.. it is more about those demons in my head that have held me back all of these years. The voices that say don't do it Sharon, you are too fat, everyone is going to laugh at you, there will not be any other 240lb women crazy enough to do this, and right now, the big one is that the race day t-shirt that I ordered is an XL and I am afraid it won't fit!!!!! This fear takes me back to grade 6 where I excelled on the girls baseball team. Literally hit a home run 90% of the time I went up to bat.... On the day of our school tournament, the coach gave us our shirts and i went into the washroom to try it on, and well yes it was about 3 sizes too small. I just remember the shame that I felt at that moment. Rather than asking the teacher for a bigger size, I hid behind a hoodie, wore it all day over my team shirt, in the sweltering heat, even though my coach asked me to take it off about 10 times. So we won the Championship, yes, I hit a lot of home runs, but the shame in my size erased a bit of my self esteem that day. In fact, that was the last time I played on an organized sports team, where I knew there would be a team uniform and that is when my weight began spiraling out of control. So here we are 30+ years later and the memory of that day is causing me anxiety over accomplishing something I have worked for 7 months to achieve..... This probably sounds ridiculous to most people, but I just wanted to write it out - it helps me to see that I am being irrational.... in fact I don't even have to wear the t-shirt they provide, I just have to wear the race bib. The funny thing is I was out shopping all afternoon yesterday, trying to find something to wear when I race next weekend, and guess what I was trying on........ you got it hoodies.

My thoughts are so jumbled these days, I think I have a clear sense of why I gained all of this weight, and then everything just won't piece together in my mind. But I am going to stop thinking about what I am wearing, and how I look, and who in the crowd is judging me, and focus on doing the best that I can, and proving to that cute chubby little girl that she can be an athlete at any weight, and that she can change her life, and she can set the bar higher than she ever imagined. I am hoping that the feeling of accomplishment I get when I cross that finish line will finally set me free from the shame of my grade 6 self.



Note: this picture is from Grade 4, when the shirt still fit.