Perfect ending to my week

I ran for 10 minutes straight this morning! My morning warm up at the gym is to do 1/2 mile on the treadmill. It is normally a run/walk, no wait I mean a walk/run - I do more walking than running, but I do small spurts at 5 mph and even up to 7.5mph, but I can only do this for short bursts. Last week I went back down to my original speed of 4.5mph, which I know is really only a slow jog, but for me, at 240lbs, it is still running. Last week I managed to run for 6 minutes but then I hit the 1/2 mile marker and stopped. Well, this morning I was determined to hit the 10 minute mark. I walked for 1 minute to warm up and then went up to 4.3 mph and just ran, I got to 10 minutes and was going to stop but then realized that I had walked for a minute so I kept going for the last minute. I ran 3/4 of a mile without stopping. Hurrah! On the downside I was exhausted after doing this and then had a 60 minute session with my trainer to do, which of course included a ton of cardio and weights today, but it's done and I survived and am now feeling energized and ready to take on the day.

NOTE: HERE IS A POST FROM MAY 2009 WHEN I WAS THRILLED TO BE ABLE TO RUN FOR 1 MINUTE AT THIS SPEED.... http://journeytofindtherealme.blogspot.com/2009/05/gym-update.html

I have been on track all week with my eating and tomorrow I am looking forward to an absolutely fantastic first week weigh in at weight watchers. Yup I said I am looking forward to weigh in tommorrow.... haven't heard me say that in a while huh! :)

Off to enjoy my new favorite breakfast - orange juice, two tablespoons of vanilla yogurt, frozen mango chunks and frozen blueberries, all blended up into a glass of pure heaven.

I think I am ready

To get my eating under control. I am re-joining weight watchers. I have about 5 months left of personal training and I need to get some of this weight off. I know I have been working hard in my training sessions and have been changing my body shape, but I need to get on track with my eating. Back to meetings as of Saturday. Now the big thing for me is I am going alone. I've never done that before, but I am going and I am going to start losing again.

On a good note, today I ran (ok more like a slow jog) on 4.5mph for 7 minutes straight. That is pretty much unheard of for me, so I am going back tomorrow to see if I can beat that time..... the best part was I had absolutely no pain in my knees for the first time in about 1.5 years.

Still enjoying my vacation, am super relaxed and looking forward to enjoying another few days of freedom before heading back to the stress pit that I call work!

5k Run - The aftermath

"The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start."
-John Bingham, running speaker and writer



I DID IT!!!!! My official time was 49min 7sec.

1657 52:48.9 10:34 49:07.8 10360 ROSS, SHARON BRAMPTON 1008/1621 91/131 W40-44

Oh boy, what a day. I cannot even tell you how proud I am to have accomplished this. I did it, and in my fastest time ever. For me the best part was the fact that there were so many things that could have stopped me from doing this run, so many excuses I could have made to have backed out of it, but I didn't, I just went for it and I have a feeling this may make all the difference in the world to me on this journey. I did it... and I now know that through hard work and proper eating anything is possible - ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.

Funny enough, there were no tears at the end of this race (well only from one of my friends), I simply felt a huge sense of accomplishment and a sense of relief as well. No more hiding, no more being afraid of judgment from others, no more not believing in myself. I am on a mission now, I've had that little taste of victory and have seen a tiny glimpse of the real me that I have been trying to find for so long. Running across that finish line I was pumping my fists in the air, and was just beaming from ear to ear, and just kept repeating to myself I did it, I really did it.....

Tomorrow its back to the gym to start training for my next step on this journey - try a tri (mini triathlon) next May!

I have included some pictures from the day, my run, me at the finish line, with my trainer, with my friends and with my medal!!!!!

RUN DAY

I just removed the countdown clock which started at over 200 days until my run and finally it is a zero.... Yesterday, I was feeling very anxious and decided to read back over my blog posts from January of this year to date. I have faced many challenges over that time period and have overcome them and I realized that this is just another short period of time on the timeline of my life, but it is one that I will look back fondly on. The nerves are now gone, I am just going to go out there and do my best, and when I look back on this blog post 8 months from now, on the eve of my first triathlon, I want to read that today was all about conquering fears - fear of failure, fear of judgment, and fear of the unknown....

I will be back later hopefully with some pictures to upload, but for now, this girl's got a race to run!

Getting ready for the run

So here it is the day before my run. I think the nerves are gone now and I just want to get there and start. This morning I did a trial outfit and decided on this one:




I am making a music list to listen to tomorrow, lot of upbeat music, black eyed peas, Sean Paul, Sean Kingston, Pit Bull, and i think I am going to start the playlist with The Climb, by Miley Cyrus, which will remind me that is a stepping stone on my journey, and finish the run with a song by Melissa Etheridge, called "I run for life" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LgiwrvEX8wY. It's about her battle with Breast Cancer and as I've written before, While this run is totally about me and my journey, it is also to mark the memory of the 10th anniversary of losing my Mom to breast cancer, so I think it will be a fitting song and will motivate me to push it hard when i am getting close to the finish line.

I just want to say thanks so much for the lovely, inspirational and motivational messages you guys left for me, I feel blessed to have cyber friends who truly get what this journey is all about, and I appreciate all of your kind words.

Thanksgiving Weekend Rambling

Have been thinking about things a lot lately. When I started this blog I gave it the name Journey to find the real me because that is truly what I wanted to gain from this journey. Not only do I believe the real me is a thin healthy person, but the real me is athletic and excels at sports and leads a very active lifestyle.

Next Sunday I run my 5k race. I am very anxious about it, but not about the actual run, I am confident in my ability, and my training, I know I can finish it.. it is more about those demons in my head that have held me back all of these years. The voices that say don't do it Sharon, you are too fat, everyone is going to laugh at you, there will not be any other 240lb women crazy enough to do this, and right now, the big one is that the race day t-shirt that I ordered is an XL and I am afraid it won't fit!!!!! This fear takes me back to grade 6 where I excelled on the girls baseball team. Literally hit a home run 90% of the time I went up to bat.... On the day of our school tournament, the coach gave us our shirts and i went into the washroom to try it on, and well yes it was about 3 sizes too small. I just remember the shame that I felt at that moment. Rather than asking the teacher for a bigger size, I hid behind a hoodie, wore it all day over my team shirt, in the sweltering heat, even though my coach asked me to take it off about 10 times. So we won the Championship, yes, I hit a lot of home runs, but the shame in my size erased a bit of my self esteem that day. In fact, that was the last time I played on an organized sports team, where I knew there would be a team uniform and that is when my weight began spiraling out of control. So here we are 30+ years later and the memory of that day is causing me anxiety over accomplishing something I have worked for 7 months to achieve..... This probably sounds ridiculous to most people, but I just wanted to write it out - it helps me to see that I am being irrational.... in fact I don't even have to wear the t-shirt they provide, I just have to wear the race bib. The funny thing is I was out shopping all afternoon yesterday, trying to find something to wear when I race next weekend, and guess what I was trying on........ you got it hoodies.

My thoughts are so jumbled these days, I think I have a clear sense of why I gained all of this weight, and then everything just won't piece together in my mind. But I am going to stop thinking about what I am wearing, and how I look, and who in the crowd is judging me, and focus on doing the best that I can, and proving to that cute chubby little girl that she can be an athlete at any weight, and that she can change her life, and she can set the bar higher than she ever imagined. I am hoping that the feeling of accomplishment I get when I cross that finish line will finally set me free from the shame of my grade 6 self.



Note: this picture is from Grade 4, when the shirt still fit.

5K Trial Run

So today I did the trial 5k. This bit may be TMI so skip this paragraph if you like(I am trying to truly document my journey and this is part of it). So last night, I was violently ill with stomach cramps and the big "D". I don't think I have mentioned this before but I suffer from IBS or irritable bowel syndrome, and I never know when I am going to have an episode.... I have been trying to follow the nourishment rules set out by my trainer prior to doing the run but alas, these rules did not agree with my stomach, and the anxiety over today's run did not help.

Anyway, I did not have any water in my system, in fact I was probably dehydrated, and with 5 minutes left before leaving for the park I was seriously considering NOT going.... Then I thought about my goals and how badly I want to find the real me- the athlete, the fit person, the confident person, that I just sucked it up and left.

about 1k into it I convinced my self to just give up.... everyone was way ahead of me (which I was ok with) but I did not have the confidence to run, because the path was along the road where everyone could see me. So I decided I would stop at the 2k point and just say I couldn't finish it.... Then I saw my trainer up ahead, coming back to meet me. I told him I was dehydrated and wasn't going to keep going and he hugged me and told me I had to believe in myself the way he did, he knew I could do it....... and so he walked with me and we ran for short spurts and then he left to start timing in the other runners. I told him please tell the others to leave(I didn't want them waiting around for me). So off I went, my trainer came and checked in with me once more and then I was on my own.....

The last part of the run was on the track and one of the girls came our and did the final lap with me (we ran) and we ran in together to the finish line. All the others stayed too and cheered me in.

The best part (besides the fact that I finished) was my time.... It was right around 50 min. (I for get the exact time, but it was between 49-50 mins)

Now I am a bit tired, but I also now know that I can do it and considering I walked most of the 5k, I can improve a lot in the next 5 weeks and come up with a much better time on race day.

The eve of something big!

Well big to me anyway. Tomorrow morning a group of us are meeting at a park here to do a practice 5k run! eeeeek. I've only actually run 5k once, that was on a treadmill and I was told that is much easier than running outside.

Still, as much as I am scared to death, I am excited as well...

On another note, my sister called me last night to tell me my Nephew joined the Canadian Armed Forces yesterday, or at least he has taken the first step to joining. I knew this is what he wanted to do and I have been helping him get his GED so that he could join, but I have to say, last night I cried for hours thinking about this. Anyway, today, he called me and was telling me all about it, and he is sooooooooo happy and excited and I haven't seen him like this in such a long time, that I decided I will not be sad, I will be happy for him. So if all goes as planned he will do 16 weeks of basic training in Ontario and then will be posted to NFLD as part of a tank and artillery team (whatever that means- lol). Hey, I'm from Toronto, we only call in the army when it snows- hahahaha

Training schedule has begun

So for the next little while I will be doing nothing but preparing for the 5k race on October 18, so my blog space will be a wee bit boring for a while. I am going to try and track food and exercise and my feelings about the run. I have to admit I am beginning to get cold feet about doing this - I'm not fit enough, I'm not thin enough, everyone is gonna stare and laugh at the fat girl attempting to run etc, etc etc..... I am trying to block this out of my head and just worry about that the day of the race.

Anyway, today I ran 2 miles. I did the first mile in a time of 16 minutes, the second mile(which I walked most of the way) was 18.8. My knee is still bothering me but I am stoked about the 16 minute mile, as my goal for the 5k race is a time of 45 minutes which is roughly a 15 minute mile.

I have a first trial run this Saturday, so my trainer told me in preparation of the run not to eat beef, or fish, no vinegar, no high glycemic food, such as white rice, and nothing fried. So, my lunch today is salmon, jasmine rice and zucchini brushed with olive oil and balsamic vinegar- lol...... I will follow his rules beginning tomorrow. Oh and I had a green monster for breakfast - fat free soy milk, frozen banana, frozen blueberries 1 scoop of protein powder and two cups of fresh spinach. It is surprisingly good... HONEST! So dinner was not too great, I had a individual size frozen pizza, with peperoni and veggies. Not great, but not too bad either. The only other thing I had today was a large double double from timmies. I really need to wean myself off of the cream and sugar (Any non Canadians who are actually reading this, a large double double is coffee with two creams and two sugars from our favorite coffee and dounut shop- Tim Hortons)

Hey Blue. I was at a Newfie Jig on Sunday. My sisters in laws are from NFLD and have a huge horseshoe throwing tournement every year with all their family and friends from back home. The music was blasting (think I's a bye who builds the boat) everyone was up doing the jig and there was a big pot of salt beef served at dinner! It was so much fun, and every one was so friendly and welcoming. (well they are Newfoundlanders right!)

Just my luck.........

After so many years of absolutely loathing my body and FINALLY taking steps to finally do something about it, I meet the perfect man for me, he is absolutely amazing in just about every way imaginable, and he adores me and my curvy figure. He doesn't just accept me as fat, he PREFERS me this way. He tells me I am beautiful and sexy and feminine and all of the things that I have NEVER felt about myself and the thing is I believe that he REALLY thinks this. I am trying to just take it day by day and enjoy the confidence boost that he gives me but I have said to him over and over, we may have met at the wrong time because I am on my way to becoming a thin, trim athlete, so he better enjoy me while he can. lol.... He actually thinks I am kidding.....

Hmmm what else is going on. I have been keeping a very detailed food journal for the last week, after my disappointing weigh in last week. I have been counting fat, carbs, protein and calories in everything I eat. This has made a huge difference and I see the weight on the scale finally moving downward. I am actually looking forward to my next weigh in.

Finally, I had my hypnotherapy session on Thursday which was really good. It was all about visualization. I was visualizing my weight going down and how I would feel with each pound lost. She made reference to me walking along a beach and there were numbers stretched out along the beach, starting with my current weight and going downward to my goal weight.... She asked me if I would be ok with letting 257 go and I said yet, so she had me wipe out 257 with my foot. She keep going down pound by pound and then every 10 pounds all the way down to my goal. About half way through my mind was getting so into this exercise, I was not just wiping the number out of the sand, I was kicking the shit out of it. Grinding it away as hard as I could, I think to make sure that number could NEVER come back to mess up my life again! She then had me visualize my 5k run in October, the way I will feel. The sound of the crowd, the sound of all the runners surrounding me at the start of the race, and the way I will feel as I run toward the finish line. I could feel a real "ugly cry" coming on (you know when your face scruntches) but I held it back for the most part, but I couldn't stop my lips from quivering and I couldn't stop the lone tear that escaped from the corner of my eye and ran down the side of my face..... She asked me how I feel, finishing the race, and I said I feel happy, and so VERY proud of myself. I relived that feeling yesterday reading the blog post of a fellow w.w. who just completed her first 5k run and she spoke about crying when she finished the race..... I cried right along with her when reading the post. Honestly, unless you have lived as an obese person, I don't think you can understand how much has to be overcome to get to the point where we are able to go out and run a 5k race....... and it's not just about the running, it is so much more. That is what I love about reading peoples blogs. There definitely is strength in numbers and when others succeed, it gives me the strength and the courage to continue in my journey. I am getting through each and every workout, all the pain, all the sweat, all the hard work, by thinking about nothing else but crossing that finish line!