Sunday, December 28, 2008

Hypnotherapy Update

Have your heart in your life's work, and be stout-hearted. Do something, act always, and do it now. Don't be afraid. Many a man has been defeated by his doubts—lack of confidence. Take your risks—you cannot eliminate them, you cannot escape them. You can diminish them by dominating them.- Batten's Wedge

As posted previously, I quit smoking back in November with the help of a hypnotherapist. Now when I started this whole hypnosis thing it was simply to quit smoking. I read that the success rate is approx 80% and decided it was worth a try. After being successful at quitting smoking, I thought that perhaps the therapist could hypnotize me again for weight loss purposes and put some positive thoughts into my head. I figured it worked for smoking, perhaps it would work for overeating. I did not, however, ever think about this as "real" therapy, dealing with the root causes of my obesity. I figured that I would be hypnotized, the hypnotherapist would put good thoughts and behaviours into my head, I would wake up and start losing weight, and in fact this was true for the first three sessions, (except for the losing weight part, that hasn't started yet lol).

On December 23, I went for my forth and final hypnosis session for weight loss. It started out wonderful as my hypnotherapist is also a certified elite trainer and has offered to show me around the gym she goes to and get me into a certain comfort zone in the gym. She is aware that my weight loss goals have not so much to do with looking good but more about feel strong and healthy and fit and she also understands that I am terrified about joining a gym. My goal is to complete a triathlon (try-a -tri) in the not too distant future. I was, and am still extremely excited and grateful for her help and guidance.

So on to the hypnosis session. It all started as all previous sessions had, her talking to me and putting good weight loss thoughts into my head. Then she did something that she hasn't done before and that is she asked me to pretend the excess fat on my body is sitting across from me. She asked me to imagine what that fat would say to me if I asked it what it's purpose was is in my life, why do I keep this fat on my body. She actually asked me to say, OUT LOUD what I thought the response would be! I had never been asked to speak in any of the sessions so this threw me for a major loop. I lay there, frozen in fear, the fear of talking about all the things I have kept buried deep within my being but she persisted and I finally blurted out "It protects me". She then asked me what it protects me from, and the pain of many many years was brought to the surface, but i couldn't answer. She kept asking me what it was protecting me from and I just kept shaking my head while my mind was screaming NOOOOOOOO, please don't ask me to talk about this. I could feel tears pouring from my eyes. Part of me wanted to talk talk about it but on this day I was not ready to let go of any of the painful memories that I have carried with me for years (I should mention here that there is no big dark secret in my past, no abuse or anything like that, just years and years of being teased and tormented about my weight and being made to feel like I was not good enough because I was fat). I awoke from my hypnotic state feeling disturbed rather than relaxed as I had felt after previous sessions and to be honest that feeling has not fully left me to this point.

When I left her office, I was driving home and it suddenly hit me, that this is in fact THERAPY! I could sugar coat it any way I wanted to, but the fact remained I am going to therapy to deal with my issues surrounding weight. I realized that I cannot rely on someone to "fix" me solely by putting new thoughts into my head, I realize I am going to have to face all of the negative things that I have been buried within me since I was about 10 years old. I am TERRIFIED at this prospect but I am also READY. I have committed to this journey and I am ready to break free of the old me.
On a somewhat different topic. Have you ever wondered what you look like to others, I mean really look like. I was browsing through some pictures on facebook (my cousin's son's photos) and noticed that I was standing in the background. I had to look about 3 times before I actually believed this was me, but yep, it was. Totally the most unflattering picture I have seen of me, but I was pleasantly surprised that rather than feeling upset at the sight of this picture, I was rather indifferent and thought that it was a good "true" indication of how I look and gives me a starting point. Anyway here is the picture.

50 days smoke free

It's all over! I honestly was not into the whole Christmas thing this year and I am glad it is over. I think my friends and family are a bit concerned by this(although they don't say so outright) and I worry that they fear I am sad or depressed, but honestly I feel like I am on standing at the threshold of something bigger in my life, I have really begun the journey to find the real me as my blog is titled and it excites me and it scares me to death.

As previously posted I quit smoking back on November 8, 2008. Today I am 50 days smoke free. I admit that I am super excited about this because it really is the first thing in a long long time that I have done to make myself proud. I am feeling great and have no fear that I will ever go back to smoking which is a great thing, but even more exciting is there has emerged a new inner voice which is drowning out that negative voice that used to constantly whisper inside me telling me "you will fail, you can't do this, you've NEVER succeeded at anything you have tried". Oh yes, this new voice is not whispering it is screaming out to me and telling me "AFTER 28 YEARS YOU HAVE QUIT SMOKING - GIRL, IF YOU CAN DO THAT, YOU ARE CAPABLE OF ANYTHING".

So I am back, there is lots more to write about with regard to my ongoing hypnosis sessions, there are feelings that have been brought to the surface which have made me upset, unsettled and scared, but I know I need to deal with these things in order to move forward and as scary as it is to open up and talk about the mental aspects of being overweight, I believe that is the key to changing my eating, changing my body and changing my life.