Monday Morning

Well I stepped on the scale this morning to see a 2.6lb gain.  Combination of starting my period and the carbs I ate yesterday.  Expect this to be gone in a few days, so I'm not worried. 

This week, my goal is to get some  cardio in at gym.  Nothing crazy. Just some elliptical and walking on the treadmill.  Just really need to get back in the habit of going to the gym, so this week its less about what I do there, and more about just getting my ass there! 

I'm now finished the first two modules in my Clean Eating Chefs course.  I've learned all about how to chop veggies, all about eggs, rice, potatoes, and gotten many good "clean" recipes.  I have made the ratatouille and eat a cup of it a day (part of my optifast program).  This next chapter really starts to deal with the benefits of eating clean, all about good bad and misunderstood fats, fueling your body, and a few other things as well.  Part of this whole process for me is not only losing this weight but changing my eating habits. I am hoping that when I return to food in 4 months, my tastebuds will have changed, my cravings will be mostly gone, and I will have learned new techniques for dealing with stress, instead of medicating with food. 

On to a new week........

Reality Check

Doing well at one meal does not make thee a fixed overeater!  Fail at breakfast this morning. 

What I ate:
3 over easy eggs
1 cup of hashbrowns with ketchup
2 slices of extra crispy bacon
2 slices of white bread with a little butter

What I skipper:
Not a fucking thing

Not going to freak myself out.  more work to be done, and I already knew that.  But there are some lessons to be learned from this. 

It's all part of the process. 


Note:  Ihave not read my reasons I want to lose weight cards for 2 days.   hmmmmmm

Food test #1 - The aftermath

S.U.C.E.S.S

Woot woot.  Now it wasn't a 100% perfect, but I am very proud that I was successful. 


So when I arrived I grabbed a glass of wine.  It was a small glass, and was about 1/2 full.  Dinner was a buffet  here's what I took:

- peppers from the veggie tray.  no dip
- mixed veg - broccoli and 2 small carrots
- 2 oz chicken breast
- breaded veal cutlet - 1/2 small piece

What I skipped over

- potato, macaroni salad, and cole slaw
- Caesar salad
- dip for the veggies
- bread
- potatoes,
- cannelloni
- meat lasagna

I also had two very small servings of wind ( probably 1 glass in total for the night)

I feel great and this morning I was down 1/2 lb on the scale. 280 even!

Another test this morning.  My family is meeting at a brunch place to have breakfast with my Brother In Law to celebrate his 40th.  I am going to stick to coffee this morning. 

Next planned meal will be in about 3 or 4 weeks when I head down to Buffalo for a couple of days of shopping and dinner at a Brazilian Steakhouse.

weigh in and update

almost 2 weeks in and still going strong.  I had my Dr. appointment on Wednesday, and he seemed pleased with my 8 lb loss.  He reviewed all of my blood work and my ECG and I all my number show that I am perfectly healthy.  I'm sure that they could be better, but there is no concerns.  I will have to redo the test as I go through this process. 

Last night was the first time I have struggled.  Went to bed feeling hungry and literally was awake for 2 hours because my stomach was rumbling.  Finally go t up and made myself a shake and was fast asleep within 10 mins.  I guess I will still have days like this. 

Today is my first challenge.  heading to a backyard wedding celebration for my cousin.  It is being catered.  The invitation says please just bring your appetite and join us for cocktails and food.  My goal is to make it through and remain on track.  1 glass of wine, no carbs and approx. 3 oz meat and veg.  

this morning my scale says 280.6.  I sooooo badly want to see that 8 change to a 7, so I will keep that in mind, and will read my "why I want to lose weight" card a few times before I go- and even there if I need to. 

Going to try and make up another card with some tips to make sure I don't over eat.  Things I can do.

A Place to start - Official START photos

5 ft 6 290 pounds

Diet Solution Day 7 - Arrange your environment

So I have gone through the first week of this book several times in the past and the good news is some of the things outlined in week 1 are things that I have pretty much already done. This tells me that I CAN change, and this book CAN help. Before I started this new plan, I tried to prepare both mentally and I also have been slowly working my way up to my start date.  I stopped buying sugar when I ran out a few months ago, same for flour.  On the weekend prior to my start, I purged my cupboards and refrigerator of everything that would a) tempt me during my weight loss (non-food) phase, and b) anything that would not be considered "clean" since my ultimate goal is to only incorporate clean foods into my diet when I hit the food introduction stage.  So my cupboards are bare, and so is my fridge, and both of my nieces wanted to come stay with me this weekend - one Friday, and one Saturday. What to do, what to do.....

I think I may have touched on this earlier but I will repeat again just because I want to make sure I give myself credit (see day 4)  I brought in only what my nieces needed (actually they didn't need it, but they wanted it) and asked that they do not offer me any, and asked that they take everything that was left, home with them.  I can look back on this now as a positive.... I strength builder. 

So on another note, I am finding it increasingly easier to look at the positive in situations, rather than looking at the negative.   example:

When I first started this diet, I kept saying how am I EVER going to last for 4 months without food.  This made me anxious, and beat my confidence down.   Then a thought entered my mind and I reframed the original statement by thinking, 4 months on this program is ALL it is going to take to get me to (or close to) the body, life, mindset I have wanted for 50 years.... 4 short months is ALL I need. 

It's all in the perspective right?

Beck Diet solution Day 6 - find a diet coach

I skipped over day 5 because it deals with eating, and since I'm not eating I can't practice, so I will circle back to it once I am in the next phase of this plan.

So todays lesson is all about fining a Diet coach. 

This may be the one area where my support is stacked.  If all I needed to succeed was to find a good diet coach, I would be at my goal weight now.  But having said that, I know that a coach can't lose the weight for me, so now that I am in a good place, I know I have the perfect people behind me

The program I am on is run by a bariatric surgeon.  He has studied the Optifast program in detail(from what I've been told he went as far as to go to the company that makes the product to see details on how it's made etc etc).  he is the one who can guide me through the weigh loss stage and make sure I am healthy as I go through this process. 

My personal trainer, has been also been my unofficial life coach for 6 years.  He gets inside my head, he knows when to push, he knows when to make me laugh, and he knows when I need a hug.  His continued support will be crucial in my success.

My friends from weight watchers - how is it possible that a few woman who live across the country and most have never met can have such a bond?  We all face struggles that are unique to being obese, and with these ladies I have found a place to vent, ask questions, or just drop in to say hello, and I know there is never any judgment, just a helping hand, or a hug. 

Yeah, this chapter I think warranted another look, but definitely does not need much time....

Sunday Funday

So many lessons over the weekend.  My niece slept over at my place Friday, so I could take her to her soccer tourney on Saturday.  I told her I'd pick up dinner on the way home for her only and explained what I'm doing.  She wanted a sub so I stopped to grap it.  WOW, just walking into my local convenience store made me crave so many thing that I always used to stop and buy to snack on.  I grabbed milk, and then hit the sub place.  Again, there have been many nights I had stopped in a grabbed a foot long sub loaded with meat, cheese and TWO types of sauce.  I waited in line and just talked to myself reconfirming that in order for me to get healthy, there are going to be tests, I have to learn to fight against my cravings and my wants.  In the end I WANT to be thin and at a healthy weight.  I walked back over to that store later in the evening with my niece and she bought a snack (cookies) and drink.  I told her that you can get whatever you want since I have no food or drink in my place, but you MUST take it home with you when you leave. 

This type of scenario has played out most of my first weekend on program.  Smelling hot dogs cooking on the grill at soccer, being offered a drink at my sisters place, buying eggs and cheese and sugar doughnuts for my younger niece, (she stayed over at my place on the Saturday night).  There was one time that I convinced myself that it was ok to go and get Greek food for dinner in place of one drink.  I was able to talk myself out of this, as in reality I know this is just not the case. 

Now I am alone again, back in control,  STILL on track, and still super motivated.  The scale is showing me down 8lbs as of this morning with my one week weighing coming tomorrow. 

Over and above everything else, I am proud of myself for sticking to the program.  I have not succeeded in sticking to any type of plan for more that a day or two in the last 6 years, so this is just amazing for me.

I haven't managed to do the Beck diet solution, but will catch up today.

Beck Diet Day 4- Give yourself credit, and update

Yesterday was actually my best day yet. I still feel a bit tired(better description is that I have no energy), but the hunger pains subsided for the most part yesterday.  My scale this morning shows me down 6.5 lbs (although I also lost the 2 that I gained on the weekend after my official weigh in, but I am not counting that).  So three more days to go in week number 1 and my weight is still dropping. I don't have an actual weigh in until the 26, so my first weigh in will cover a week and a half. Very excited to see the scale consistently dropping.

Day 4 on Beck Diet solution - Give yourself credit. 

I read this chapter, but really didn't take on the entire challenge of giving myself credit.  I am going to try again today.

I did give myself credit a few times.  For sticking to this diet for 4 full days, and I also gave myself credit for pulling myself out of a difficult situation on Wednesday evening.  Walked into my Dad's house and his wife was baking muffins.  I dropped off what I needed to and then told them I needed to go home because I was not yet strong enough to resist the temptation. 


"once I build my confidence by giving myself credit, dieting will be easier"

Evening update:  spent a lot of time today giving myself credit.

for reading my cards,
for sticking to plan
for not turning to food when I got stressed at work
for walking away from stress instead
for walking into a grocery store and just picking up milk
for going an buying a sub for my niece and not caving and buying on
for going back to the story tonight with my niece and not buying anything,
allow her to eat cookies in front of me and not waviering in my resolve

The Beck Diet Solution Day 1 and 2

So in addition to doing Optifast, I am working my way through the book called The Beck Diet Solution, train your brain to think like a thin person, by Judith S. Beck.  While I know the approach to weight loss I am taking is extreme, i do have a bit of a plan for keeping the weight off.  Part of that plan is to learn how to not use food to medicate.  I think that by taking food out of my life for 4 months will give me the opportunity to learn new ways to cope with stress, tiredness, upset, etc, instead of binge eating on food.  This book is cognitive therapy based and is full of exercises that I need to do.  I hope to record the work here.

Day 1 was to make a list of the reasons for losing weight.  I have made a flash card of all of my reasons and will read it often as I go through the process, but I will not share it here.

Day 2 is about choosing a diet. The chapter talks alot about choosing something healthy, where you lose weight slowly etc etc. Now I know many feel this is not healthy, but I am under a Doctors care and I feel like it will work for me.  I place my trust in my Dr. to know that I am healthy along the way.

I picked a primary diet and a backup diet that are going to give me the best opportunity, when followed properly, to succeed at weight loss, while providing me with an opportunity to completely remove all of the bad habits, both mental and physical, that I have spent a life time creating.  I chose this diet because I feel that not only will I get a plan that is doctor supervised, but it is also a plan that deals with the mental aspect of keeping the weight off, and provides necessary support for same.  This diet plan, also provided the services of a dietician so that when the time comes to add food back into my diet, Added to the support with this plan, I will continue to work on my cognitive behaviour, and my binge eating issues.  I am also enrolled in a chefs course to learn how to incorporate clean eating into my diet.  I have researched where to buy organic fruit and veg, and also clean meat and meat products to ensure I continue on a successful path after the weight loss phase has been completed.

I am trying to accept that I HAVE to follow a healthy eating plan for life.

My to-do' list is complete today!

Up tomorrow - Day 4 give yourself credit (skipping day 3 cause it deals with eating sitting down, and I'm not eating)

observation and off to a good start

Yesterday was the first time I stuck to a diet plan 100 %  in years..... I am tired, feel like I haven't slept at all, and feel headachy still, I woke up 3 times in the night to pee (which never happens), but this morning I peeked at the scale and I am down 5.2 lbs in two days.  All that water is leaving my body.  I actually can see my ankles for the first time in month.  Not too hungry this morning either.

This is what's keeping my going at the moment.  I've pulled out my red leather jacket, that I bought just before I started to gain weight a few years ago.  I know I will be able to wear it this fall and that makes me happy..... :)

That day has come

Well here we are, last Friday- about a week after my 50th birthday, and noting that I am at the heaviest weight I have EVER been, I found myself there. 

Sitting in front of a Bariatric surgeon.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with doing surgery, but it's something that I have long fought against.  Much like an alcoholic or drug addict fight against going to treatment.  I could do it on my own, I thought.  Well I have finally allowed myself to get to the conclusion that I NEED HELP - SOME SERIOUS HELP.

I am trying a Dr. supervised Optifast diet.  Basically a specially formulated liquid diet for the next 3 to 4 months.  I am able to have small portions of veggies and stock, and I can replace a shake with a meat and veg meal on special occasions, but otherwise, I'm done with food!

Today is day two and I am having all kinds of physical and mental stress.  The runs this morning, peeing every second (do to the increased water intake), slight headache and body ache, and then there is the ache that's not physical, but mental.  I MISS FOOD!

I am taking a Clean Eating on-line course as I go through this process, and I am also working my way through a cognitive therapy workbook, and a binge eating book, in an effort to truly change from the inside out.  I know it's the only change I have to make this work. 

I printed off a calendar and I'm crossing off each completed day.  2 down, 118 to go. To put it into perspective, I keep telling myself, I am only 118 days away to a brand new me, and a brand new life. 

I do not have the option of quitting this, my life depends on it!