Friday, January 30, 2009

How my friends and family describe me...

So last night I sent out the email to a ton of family and friends, some old friends from school, some new friends that I don't know really well, some co-workers etc.

I asked a simple question "I need your help for a little exercise I am doing! Please send a return email to me and tell me the first word that comes to your mind to describe me." Boy I am loving the results so far. And I might add some are from the very people who teased me as a child(uncles) and even my father, who never really participates in these things. So here is the list so far. There are some duplicate words but I have added in each and every reply even if it was a duplicate.

Genuine (I could fill this page with wonderful words that pop into my head to describe you)
Looking so sweet
Easy Going
No- Nonsense
Lovable was the first but I could go on and on
Old friend
Sister In Law
Cheeky (pleasantly)
Ray of Sunshine (Thanks Purrfect24)
Open minded (thanks Nicole)

For me the key is not so much what my wonderful family and friends said(although it was wonderful and overwhelming to hear these words) it was more about what they didn't say. Nobody described me as fat at all. I think the results of this little experiment is making me really think that in reality, people see me as many wonderful things, they may see me fat as well because frankly I am fat, but maybe that is a secondary and much less important description. I think I am beginning to see that I do not need to hang on to this fat because clearly I can be all of the things mentioned above at ANY weight.

I am going to choose to try and slowly let go of the past, not completely because I think some of my best character traits are a result of the, mean spirited things that were said and done to me as a kid, but perhaps just the realization that my fat does not define me will make my journey to a thin person a little less bumpy. Hmmmm I have just peeled away one the the protective layers I think.

On another note, I came home from work to find a message on my answering machine from my soon to be personal trainer at the gym. He is a guy, his name is PJ and he sounds young!!!! Now I am nervous because I know this means I will NOT be able to stay within the confines of the women's only section. Blah. I will call him tomorrow and take it one moment at a time. hey perhaps he will notice that I am pretty, calm caring, cheeky etc and not care that I am fat !!!!! NOW THERE IS A THOUGHT

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Defining Moment

So Monday I had my first hypnotherapy session since just before Christmas. If you read my previous post, I was a bit disturbed by the fact that that session really became "therapy" to me. I've always thought of it as new thoughts being put into my head to replace the old negative thoughts, but that session upset me, but it also made me realize that I do need therapy, I truly believe low self esteem and lack of confidence may be the missing piece of the puzzle, I have attempted weight loss so many times and have been successful for a while, but then always fall of the wagon.

So prior to this session, and since this session I have come to realize a few things, firstly, ever since I was a young child people have always commented on my weight. I was always the fat kid, "look at the size of those legs" my uncles used to jokingly say as they squeezed my chubby thighs when I was a child. "ohhhhh let me pinch those chubby cheeks" they would say. Joke presents bought for a group of young adults, mine was an elephant hand puppet! In fact so many of the memories I have of growing up are about me being fat. I have learned to identify myself as the fat girl, because that is how I think others perceive me. I was never the pretty one, or the smart one, or the athletic one, even though I excelled in sports, I was always the fat one. As I got older, I began to think of myself in this way, my fatness superseded any other label I had for myself. Yes, i had great eyes and hair, but it didn't matter because I was fat. Yes, I could run faster than half of my class in middle school, but nobody noticed because I was fat. Yes I was smart, but big deal, didn't matter because I was fat.

I think the saddest thing is that somewhere along the way, I just gave up - why, because being fat became my identity. The one thing that I am sure of about who I am is that I'm fat, I know what to expect (or what not to expect) out of life, and although I have done some adventurous things, mainly travels, I still approached them in a conservative way, because of my weight. MY FAT IS WHAT DEFINED ME!

Now, in my session, as I divulged all of this I was bawling my eyes out. Crying for the little girl who wore a sweatshirt in the middle of summer so she didn't have to show that her baseball team shirt was about 3 sizes too small. Crying for the teen who went to one school dance with the anticipation of having at least 1 boy ask her to dance, and then having no one even glace in her direction, crying for the girl who at 13 sat in a circle with about 20 other kids at a weekend getaway, and opened her joke Christmas gift up in front of everyone only to find that damn elephant hand puppet. I remember the two boys who bought it for me where directly across from me and they broke out in hysterical laughter, while most of the other kids pretended that they did not know what it meant. I sat there in utter silence staring at the floor wanting so badly to cry and I felt myself change at that moment, become withdrawn, quiet, a big thick protective wall began building up around me and I decided that I would never let anyone in, and that way I would never have to feel that way again. To his credit the boy apologized to me the next day. (he was a lot older, about 18, captain of the high school football team). he told me it was just a joke and he was really sorry. I couldn't even look at him or answer him I just stared out of the car window. And to this day I will not partake in joke gift giving, I just can't for fear of being embarrassed again. I have heard that people have pivotal moments that shape their lives, well that is definitely a pivotal moment for me.

So anyway, that was a long drawn out post, but I have never ever spoken about that incident, that is so weird. I came home and told my Mom that I got a funny key chain, but I lost it, and I stuffed that damn puppet in my school locker until the end of the year and then trashed it.

After my hypnotherapy session, I came home and was really thinking about the stuff that I talked about and I have devised a plan to send an email to a bunch of people I know and ask them to tell me the first word that pops into their head when i ask them to describe me. I have yet to send the email, because I am afraid that the answer from everyone will be "FAT" (o.k. I some level I know that won't happen). I tried it out on one of my friend yesterday, and her answer was sparkly. She said not only is there always a sparkle in my eyes, but there is also a sparkle in my love of life. Once I send out the email, I will write down some of the responses. My greatest hope is that I will be able to see that other people see me as soooooo many different things, not just a fat girl. Hopefully I can start believing that "fat" does not define me, that I am so much more than "fat" and maybe then it will be easier for me to let the fat go, because I will realize that by losing the fat, I am not losing who I am.

If anyone is still reading this, I say thank you. I also can say I feel so much better after writing this down. After 42 years of not knowing who I am, I think things are starting to become clear :)

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The Gym Day ***UPDATE***

I LOVED THE GYM!!!!!!! ha ha. Just a short note to express my feelings, I did all of the machines that I used yesterday. I did a 5 min warm up on the elliptical machine (nearly killed me) and also walked on the treadmill for 30 mins. The speed varied from 2.5 mph to 5 mph, BUT BUT BUT get this. I asked my friend to kick hers up to 7mph just so I could see what Dan was doing (Dan from the Biggest Loser) and then she said, do you want to try AND I DID IT!.

I know it is only the first night but right now I am feeling good!!!!

Must shower and sleep now.

The Gym- Day 2

So the bad news(sort of) is that I opted out of the orientation for the spinning class tonight (It is happening right now!) But the good news is that my co-worker belongs to the same chain of fitness centres and she is looking for a gym buddy! Yeah. We are planning on meeting up at the gym tonight and doing the machines that I learned how to use last night and then she will show me how to use the treadmill and the other cardio equipment. In a way I feel like I am being a coward but in another way, I am trying my best to make this work. Any way I can.

So this afternoon I got a call from my hypnotherapist saying that it has been a while since I have been in. She is the one that has inspired me to go to the gym and actually offered to train me (she is a certified PT). I opted to join a different gym than the one where she goes simply because this gym has a womens only section and I can get a corporate rate. Anyway, my last hypnosis session (for weight loss) was far from enjoyable. In fact she was trying to get to the root of my weight issue. What purpose does all of my excess fat serve in my life. I was not able to talk about it that day,I simply was not ready but that session did bring a lot of old pain to the surface and I ate my way through the Christmas holidays and stuffed down my feelings again along with 10 extra pounds of fat. I made an appointment for next week and I think I am ready to talk about stuff. I think this may be the key to being sucessful in my weight loss journey. I have thought a lot about things that have happened in my childhood years and I seem to be able to see the corrolation to my life today a bit clearer. I will write about this stuff more later, I just have to deal with it first. Like I said before, it's nothing terribly shocking, just episodes of being teased as a kid and the negative impact it has had in my life, with regard to weight loss, relationships, self esteem etc.

Yes, my journey continues. I can't believe how hard it is to push past the fear. I can only hope that life on the other side of all of these issues is worth the fight that I am embarking on. Time will tell :) Now it's off to the gym !

Monday, January 19, 2009

The gym - Day 1

Tonight was my first visit and in true me fashion I skipped the first class. Fear definitely got the better of me. I was worried about the clothes I was wearing, the bag I was carrying my stuff in - EVERYTHING. So I decided to miss the stretching class and then finally talked myself into going for the intro to fit fix, which is basically a line up of machines that give you a full body workout in a short amount of time.

So there were two other new members and me and the instructor takes us to this fit fix machines and it is right smack dab in the middle of the gym directly in front of us are 50 bulky guys heaving large weights and grunting and groaning and pumping and... well you get the picture. I was absolutely mortified. The instructor was really nice, she showed us the first piece of equiptment and then looked directly at me and asked "would you like to try?" No thank you was my answer. For crying out loud you had to buckle yourself into this thing. And of course you know what scared me the most about this machine- that the seat belt wasn't gonna fit!!!!! So the second machine comes along and again she say's "anyone wanna try" so the guy and the girl I was with both gave it a go, and then she looks at me and I smile and shook my head, ummmmm no. She looked at me and kind of gave me a shot in the arm and said "this is a good opportuity to learn- you should try".

Moving on to the next piece of equipment I was yelling at myself "what is wrong with you- I said, do you want to change, do you want to change - Then suck it up and get on the damn equipment" Yep i do believe I was hearing a little bit of Bob from the Biggest Loser- lol. Anyway I got onto the next piece of equipment, and the one after that, and every single piece that she showed us. I was proud of myself but I am so far out of my comfort zone it is not even funny. Thank goodness I will be getting a personal trainer at the end of the week because otherwise I think it would be very easy for me to just stop going. How sad of a statement is that to make on my first visit.

To be brutally honest I was close to tears on the drive home. Not because I couldn't do it, not because everyone was staring and laughing and judging me (because they weren't) but because I have so little faith or confidence in myself that in my head I turned a great thing into a very scary thing.

All I can say, is that I will not give up. This year is all about CHANGE for me. I am going to stop hiding behind food and hiding behind a smiley face and I am going to step outside of the box no matter how uncomfortable I feel and hopefully as my body changes my attitude and my confidence will change too.

Spinning class is tomorrow night. (oh lord, give me strength) :)

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Taking a chance

"Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it."-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I have been humming and hawing for the last little while about joining a gym. I made every excuse in the book as to why I couldn't join but really the only reason was fear. Fear- plain and simply has held me back for far too long. I have started watching the biggest loser and I find myself seeing so much of myself in the young contestant named Dan. While he is much heavier than I ever was, being overweight from a young age, no matter by how much, effects us all in the same way. I watched him running on a treadmill. Jillian was slowly increasing the speed 3, to 4 and he was running and saying higher, higher up to 5, 6, and then 7 mph. I saw something light up in his face, saw his confidence boost before my eyes and it lit something inside of me as well so...

Today, I joined goodlife fitness. Not only that but I have booked a 12 pack of personal training sessions. Now this is not something that I got conned into, or it's not a spur of the moment type thing. I have wanted to do this for a very long time and it was the old fear that kept me from going. Honestly, I want to feel the way Dan felt in that episode, I want to feel strong, capable and confident and I am going to work as hard as I possibly can in order to achieve this. Am I scared? You bet I'm scared, I felt as though I was going to vomit as I took the escalator down to the gym this afternoon, but today I decided to take back my life and not let fear hold me back any longer - in any aspect of my life.

I know it will be a long hard road, and today I read someone's post on weight watchers that resonated to the depths of my being. Yes, it is hard to change, most definitely it is hard to change, but you know what, it is hard to be fat too, so we have to choose our hard, and today, I choose to change.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Organization is the Key

For me anyway. If I do not pre plan my meals and get everything together on Sunday, I know it is very unlikely that I will succeed in eating within my points for the week. I was up early this morning, did my groceries and spend the day preparing meals for the week, portioning out snacks and just planning for the week. Here are a couple of meals that I made. The chicken dish doesn't look very appetizing because all the veg (carrots and pepper) are orange! Next time I will throw in some green onion and broccoli for color. It tasted fantastic though.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

EFS (Empty Fridge Syndrome)

Have you ever heard of this? lol Today, I had nothing left in my fridge except for a bunch of condiments, some minced garlic, and some aloe juice. In the freezer I had a lot of meat that had been frozen in there so long I could no longer tell what it originally was. I decided to throw everything out and start new. I had to take a picture of my fridge because I couldn't believe how bare it was. I have made my grocery list and will go shopping very early tomorrow morning and fill up my fridge with healthy foods.

Weigh in number 1

Was back at my w.w. meeting this morning. My new start weight is 274.8, which is 2.2lbs heavier than when I joined w.w. 3 mos ago. Anyway, it is done, I have officially re-committed and I will never see that number again.

Off to make a grocery list and plan out some meals.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Back to Weight Watchers I go

I am terrified to step on that scale. Gotta get it over with though and start new. I know that my eating has been out of control. I feel gross and bloated and have had terrible heartburn for the last two weeks.

Tomorrow is a new day and I will start fresh :)

Thursday, January 1, 2009

New Year= New Opportunity

I have spent most of today thinking about resolutions and also taking stock of my life, where have a been in the last year, and most importantly where do I want to be at the end of this year.

I am not very big on making New year resolutions, probably because I think I am just setting myself up for failure. I would rather say that now that the holiday's are over and I made it through without even ALMOST smoking, it's time to move into the next phase - weight loss and exercise. Ultimately I resolve to start taking care of me in 2009, that means putting myself first and putting all of my time and energy into making me the best person I can possible be. Weight loss and exercise are definitely going to be added to my life, but also I have started down that path to facing the issue of low self esteem and talking about the negative effect of years of being made fun of and teased because of my weight. I plan on continuing with the hypnotherapy in an effort to release all of that pain from deep withing my soul. I am also going to distance myself from a certain guy in my life (he lives 3000 km away, but apparently that is not enough haha) because I realize that he is not a positive influence in my life.

Onward and Upward - errrrrr Downward.