Sunday, November 27, 2016

Time to fight

Two months since my last post. No longer taking the optifast shakes (totally didn't work with my IBS), I've still been working on myself though.  I went to California last month and just cleared my mind and rejuvenated my spirit. 

So as I mentioned in a previous post, my trainer from the gym was AWAL.  This is still the case.  I had a really hard time dealing with this, mostly because of our friendship.  I thought we had become very close friends.  I have spilled my guts to him and he has always been so supportive and helpful and on some level I am angry that he didn't value my friendship enough to lean on me when times got tough for him.  I sent him a note telling him that I won't keep bugging him (he has never responded to my texts), but rather that I am always here for him if/when he was ready to reach out, and I wished him happiness in his life.  I feel in my heart that I will hear from him again, but for the interim I needed to just close that chapter for the time being.

I also realized that I miss boxing, I wasn't sure why, but I know not fighting made me sad. So I went back to the gym and started working out with the only other trainer that does boxing.  He was more nervous than I because he is just learning how to teach boxing.  We are actually teaching each other but he is super nice and super helpful and it is working out well.

Which is what brought my to my blog today- I had such a strong realization a few days again, that hit me like a ton of  bricks.  It was like I had a big moment of clarity.... and then just like that it was gone.  Fuck. I couldn't remember it for the life of me.... and I tried to remember for 2 days.  Today it came back to me. 

I have never learned to fight in my life.  I come from a family that does not fight.  I've never fought for a job, never fought for a guy, never fought for my health.  My sisters and I would not say shit if our mouth was full of it.  It's how we were raised.  I feel like I walk around and just accept everything that is thrown at me, like its my motherfucking destiny. What has come along with that is low self esteem and no confidence at all in my ability.  Perhaps that is what is holding me back in my weight loss?  I really do not expect big things out of myself.  I've always accepted being mediocre.  Mediocre job, mediocre life, mediocre body. 

When I'm fighting is the only time I truly feel superior.  I have been reading about the warrior attitude and have been really trying to find my inner warrior.  This morning I walked into my boxing session with an absolute different mindset.  Like I was a muthafucking champion boxing and who nobody can touch.  I blew the workout out of the water.  My form was on point, my punches were crazy hard and I was quick.  I was 110% focused and confident and it felt amazing.  I boxed for 1.5 hours but could have easily done 3 hours at the same intensity.

I know that I need to find a way to bring that same attitude to my food.  Focus on what I want long term, not what I want right now.  Expect more out of myself.  Be a fucking warrior and do what is necessary. 

One thing I do know, I will not stop fighting. I will never give up on myself.

At the end of my session, my trainer was blown away with how awesome this session was, and I asked if he wanted to be in my corner when I fight.  It just slipped out.  Holy fuck.  Do I have a fight set up- no.  But that truly is what I want to do.  but I gotta be 100 lbs lighter than I am,


Tuesday, September 20, 2016


Monday I had my 4 shakes, 2 cups of water and a big bag of Cheetos.

Feelings:  worried about a call from the gym manager about my personal training situation.  My trainer has been off for over two months now and I don't think he's coming back.  VERY worried about his welfare, my future, and a big fight over getting my personal training money back (I don't want to train with anyone else)

Feelings:  sad about current dating situation.  Tired of always being an option instead of a priority.

Rating for the day:  FAIL

Today will be a better day, I can feel it.

Sunday, September 18, 2016

Let's set some goals

for the short term.  As I mentioned in my previous post I am going on vacation in October.  I leave 5 weeks from today.  I really want to be back into my old size 16 clothes before I leave.  I would say I will need to lose approximately 15 to 20 pounds this month in order to get there, so I am going to make 20 pounds my goal. 

To get there I will need to stick to my plan 100% and get lots of gym time in, and of course drink tons of water. 

I know I have a family dinner party on October 1, and a dinner planned with a friend mid October.  My plan is to keep those days a meet and veg days.  

Aaaaaaaaand, go.......

A positive spin on things

Still here, still fighting...... Going to try something completely different today (for me anyway) and do a 1 month update, and focus only on what I did right. 

- did not give up
- remained on program for 50% of the last 30 days
- booked an amazing trip for next month (experience of a lifetime)
- continued to research clean eating and binge eating
- looking for ways to ensure I stay on track for another month
- Remaining positive
- lost 15 pounds for the month
-% of weight lost 5.17 (goal 44.83%)

(note:  all I can think of right now is negative thoughts and my brain is flooded with all the things that I did wrong, but I will push those thoughts from my head and soldier on)

End of month 1 - total lost 15 lbs
Start weight - 290
current weight 275

Tuesday, September 6, 2016


Had a very busy weekend, and I absolutely struggled with my food choices.  Didn't succomb to fast food, but I did have a couple of drinks and food at a house party sunday, and yesterday I had food at a BBQ and also had popcorn and ice cream.  Just feel the need to come clean with my struggle.

Today, I am up to 281.6.  Just going to jump right back on the wagon today and see what happens.  I have a weighin on Thursday afternoon.

This weeks goals
- get back to the gym
-get back on track food wise
-water, water, water
-get back to reading/practicing cognitive therapy book/binge eating book.
- make sure to read card listing reasons I want to lose weight OFTEN\

Friday, September 2, 2016

Chugging along

Scale finally dipped under 280 this morning.  Scale read 279.4.  My weight yesterday was 280.2 so I missed my end of September goal to lose 12 lbs by 2.2lbs.  Not upset about this though.  I am absolutely thrilled that I managed to stay on this plan for 2.5 weeks

When I started, I didn't think I was capable of staying on this program for 4.5 days, let alone 4.5 months.  Now I know I can do this...... I am 4 months away to the life I have struggled to get to for the last 30 years. 

My motivation for the next 6 weeks is the possibility of a plane trip.   My last trip I weighed 290lbs and it was the most uncomfortable 4 hours of my life.  I should be around 250 next trip, and 180 for my cruise at the end of Feb.....

Monday, August 29, 2016

Monday Morning

Well I stepped on the scale this morning to see a 2.6lb gain.  Combination of starting my period and the carbs I ate yesterday.  Expect this to be gone in a few days, so I'm not worried. 

This week, my goal is to get some  cardio in at gym.  Nothing crazy. Just some elliptical and walking on the treadmill.  Just really need to get back in the habit of going to the gym, so this week its less about what I do there, and more about just getting my ass there! 

I'm now finished the first two modules in my Clean Eating Chefs course.  I've learned all about how to chop veggies, all about eggs, rice, potatoes, and gotten many good "clean" recipes.  I have made the ratatouille and eat a cup of it a day (part of my optifast program).  This next chapter really starts to deal with the benefits of eating clean, all about good bad and misunderstood fats, fueling your body, and a few other things as well.  Part of this whole process for me is not only losing this weight but changing my eating habits. I am hoping that when I return to food in 4 months, my tastebuds will have changed, my cravings will be mostly gone, and I will have learned new techniques for dealing with stress, instead of medicating with food. 

On to a new week........

Sunday, August 28, 2016

Reality Check

Doing well at one meal does not make thee a fixed overeater!  Fail at breakfast this morning. 

What I ate:
3 over easy eggs
1 cup of hashbrowns with ketchup
2 slices of extra crispy bacon
2 slices of white bread with a little butter

What I skipper:
Not a fucking thing

Not going to freak myself out.  more work to be done, and I already knew that.  But there are some lessons to be learned from this. 

It's all part of the process. 

Note:  Ihave not read my reasons I want to lose weight cards for 2 days.   hmmmmmm

Food test #1 - The aftermath


Woot woot.  Now it wasn't a 100% perfect, but I am very proud that I was successful. 

So when I arrived I grabbed a glass of wine.  It was a small glass, and was about 1/2 full.  Dinner was a buffet  here's what I took:

- peppers from the veggie tray.  no dip
- mixed veg - broccoli and 2 small carrots
- 2 oz chicken breast
- breaded veal cutlet - 1/2 small piece

What I skipped over

- potato, macaroni salad, and cole slaw
- Caesar salad
- dip for the veggies
- bread
- potatoes,
- cannelloni
- meat lasagna

I also had two very small servings of wind ( probably 1 glass in total for the night)

I feel great and this morning I was down 1/2 lb on the scale. 280 even!

Another test this morning.  My family is meeting at a brunch place to have breakfast with my Brother In Law to celebrate his 40th.  I am going to stick to coffee this morning. 

Next planned meal will be in about 3 or 4 weeks when I head down to Buffalo for a couple of days of shopping and dinner at a Brazilian Steakhouse.

Saturday, August 27, 2016

weigh in and update

almost 2 weeks in and still going strong.  I had my Dr. appointment on Wednesday, and he seemed pleased with my 8 lb loss.  He reviewed all of my blood work and my ECG and I all my number show that I am perfectly healthy.  I'm sure that they could be better, but there is no concerns.  I will have to redo the test as I go through this process. 

Last night was the first time I have struggled.  Went to bed feeling hungry and literally was awake for 2 hours because my stomach was rumbling.  Finally go t up and made myself a shake and was fast asleep within 10 mins.  I guess I will still have days like this. 

Today is my first challenge.  heading to a backyard wedding celebration for my cousin.  It is being catered.  The invitation says please just bring your appetite and join us for cocktails and food.  My goal is to make it through and remain on track.  1 glass of wine, no carbs and approx. 3 oz meat and veg.  

this morning my scale says 280.6.  I sooooo badly want to see that 8 change to a 7, so I will keep that in mind, and will read my "why I want to lose weight" card a few times before I go- and even there if I need to. 

Going to try and make up another card with some tips to make sure I don't over eat.  Things I can do.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Monday, August 22, 2016

Diet Solution Day 7 - Arrange your environment

So I have gone through the first week of this book several times in the past and the good news is some of the things outlined in week 1 are things that I have pretty much already done. This tells me that I CAN change, and this book CAN help. Before I started this new plan, I tried to prepare both mentally and I also have been slowly working my way up to my start date.  I stopped buying sugar when I ran out a few months ago, same for flour.  On the weekend prior to my start, I purged my cupboards and refrigerator of everything that would a) tempt me during my weight loss (non-food) phase, and b) anything that would not be considered "clean" since my ultimate goal is to only incorporate clean foods into my diet when I hit the food introduction stage.  So my cupboards are bare, and so is my fridge, and both of my nieces wanted to come stay with me this weekend - one Friday, and one Saturday. What to do, what to do.....

I think I may have touched on this earlier but I will repeat again just because I want to make sure I give myself credit (see day 4)  I brought in only what my nieces needed (actually they didn't need it, but they wanted it) and asked that they do not offer me any, and asked that they take everything that was left, home with them.  I can look back on this now as a positive.... I strength builder. 

So on another note, I am finding it increasingly easier to look at the positive in situations, rather than looking at the negative.   example:

When I first started this diet, I kept saying how am I EVER going to last for 4 months without food.  This made me anxious, and beat my confidence down.   Then a thought entered my mind and I reframed the original statement by thinking, 4 months on this program is ALL it is going to take to get me to (or close to) the body, life, mindset I have wanted for 50 years.... 4 short months is ALL I need. 

It's all in the perspective right?

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Beck Diet solution Day 6 - find a diet coach

I skipped over day 5 because it deals with eating, and since I'm not eating I can't practice, so I will circle back to it once I am in the next phase of this plan.

So todays lesson is all about fining a Diet coach. 

This may be the one area where my support is stacked.  If all I needed to succeed was to find a good diet coach, I would be at my goal weight now.  But having said that, I know that a coach can't lose the weight for me, so now that I am in a good place, I know I have the perfect people behind me

The program I am on is run by a bariatric surgeon.  He has studied the Optifast program in detail(from what I've been told he went as far as to go to the company that makes the product to see details on how it's made etc etc).  he is the one who can guide me through the weigh loss stage and make sure I am healthy as I go through this process. 

My personal trainer, has been also been my unofficial life coach for 6 years.  He gets inside my head, he knows when to push, he knows when to make me laugh, and he knows when I need a hug.  His continued support will be crucial in my success.

My friends from weight watchers - how is it possible that a few woman who live across the country and most have never met can have such a bond?  We all face struggles that are unique to being obese, and with these ladies I have found a place to vent, ask questions, or just drop in to say hello, and I know there is never any judgment, just a helping hand, or a hug. 

Yeah, this chapter I think warranted another look, but definitely does not need much time....

Sunday Funday

So many lessons over the weekend.  My niece slept over at my place Friday, so I could take her to her soccer tourney on Saturday.  I told her I'd pick up dinner on the way home for her only and explained what I'm doing.  She wanted a sub so I stopped to grap it.  WOW, just walking into my local convenience store made me crave so many thing that I always used to stop and buy to snack on.  I grabbed milk, and then hit the sub place.  Again, there have been many nights I had stopped in a grabbed a foot long sub loaded with meat, cheese and TWO types of sauce.  I waited in line and just talked to myself reconfirming that in order for me to get healthy, there are going to be tests, I have to learn to fight against my cravings and my wants.  In the end I WANT to be thin and at a healthy weight.  I walked back over to that store later in the evening with my niece and she bought a snack (cookies) and drink.  I told her that you can get whatever you want since I have no food or drink in my place, but you MUST take it home with you when you leave. 

This type of scenario has played out most of my first weekend on program.  Smelling hot dogs cooking on the grill at soccer, being offered a drink at my sisters place, buying eggs and cheese and sugar doughnuts for my younger niece, (she stayed over at my place on the Saturday night).  There was one time that I convinced myself that it was ok to go and get Greek food for dinner in place of one drink.  I was able to talk myself out of this, as in reality I know this is just not the case. 

Now I am alone again, back in control,  STILL on track, and still super motivated.  The scale is showing me down 8lbs as of this morning with my one week weighing coming tomorrow. 

Over and above everything else, I am proud of myself for sticking to the program.  I have not succeeded in sticking to any type of plan for more that a day or two in the last 6 years, so this is just amazing for me.

I haven't managed to do the Beck diet solution, but will catch up today.

Friday, August 19, 2016

Beck Diet Day 4- Give yourself credit, and update

Yesterday was actually my best day yet. I still feel a bit tired(better description is that I have no energy), but the hunger pains subsided for the most part yesterday.  My scale this morning shows me down 6.5 lbs (although I also lost the 2 that I gained on the weekend after my official weigh in, but I am not counting that).  So three more days to go in week number 1 and my weight is still dropping. I don't have an actual weigh in until the 26, so my first weigh in will cover a week and a half. Very excited to see the scale consistently dropping.

Day 4 on Beck Diet solution - Give yourself credit. 

I read this chapter, but really didn't take on the entire challenge of giving myself credit.  I am going to try again today.

I did give myself credit a few times.  For sticking to this diet for 4 full days, and I also gave myself credit for pulling myself out of a difficult situation on Wednesday evening.  Walked into my Dad's house and his wife was baking muffins.  I dropped off what I needed to and then told them I needed to go home because I was not yet strong enough to resist the temptation. 

"once I build my confidence by giving myself credit, dieting will be easier"

Evening update:  spent a lot of time today giving myself credit.

for reading my cards,
for sticking to plan
for not turning to food when I got stressed at work
for walking away from stress instead
for walking into a grocery store and just picking up milk
for going an buying a sub for my niece and not caving and buying on
for going back to the story tonight with my niece and not buying anything,
allow her to eat cookies in front of me and not waviering in my resolve

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

The Beck Diet Solution Day 1 and 2

So in addition to doing Optifast, I am working my way through the book called The Beck Diet Solution, train your brain to think like a thin person, by Judith S. Beck.  While I know the approach to weight loss I am taking is extreme, i do have a bit of a plan for keeping the weight off.  Part of that plan is to learn how to not use food to medicate.  I think that by taking food out of my life for 4 months will give me the opportunity to learn new ways to cope with stress, tiredness, upset, etc, instead of binge eating on food.  This book is cognitive therapy based and is full of exercises that I need to do.  I hope to record the work here.

Day 1 was to make a list of the reasons for losing weight.  I have made a flash card of all of my reasons and will read it often as I go through the process, but I will not share it here.

Day 2 is about choosing a diet. The chapter talks alot about choosing something healthy, where you lose weight slowly etc etc. Now I know many feel this is not healthy, but I am under a Doctors care and I feel like it will work for me.  I place my trust in my Dr. to know that I am healthy along the way.

I picked a primary diet and a backup diet that are going to give me the best opportunity, when followed properly, to succeed at weight loss, while providing me with an opportunity to completely remove all of the bad habits, both mental and physical, that I have spent a life time creating.  I chose this diet because I feel that not only will I get a plan that is doctor supervised, but it is also a plan that deals with the mental aspect of keeping the weight off, and provides necessary support for same.  This diet plan, also provided the services of a dietician so that when the time comes to add food back into my diet, Added to the support with this plan, I will continue to work on my cognitive behaviour, and my binge eating issues.  I am also enrolled in a chefs course to learn how to incorporate clean eating into my diet.  I have researched where to buy organic fruit and veg, and also clean meat and meat products to ensure I continue on a successful path after the weight loss phase has been completed.

I am trying to accept that I HAVE to follow a healthy eating plan for life.

My to-do' list is complete today!

Up tomorrow - Day 4 give yourself credit (skipping day 3 cause it deals with eating sitting down, and I'm not eating)

observation and off to a good start

Yesterday was the first time I stuck to a diet plan 100 %  in years..... I am tired, feel like I haven't slept at all, and feel headachy still, I woke up 3 times in the night to pee (which never happens), but this morning I peeked at the scale and I am down 5.2 lbs in two days.  All that water is leaving my body.  I actually can see my ankles for the first time in month.  Not too hungry this morning either.

This is what's keeping my going at the moment.  I've pulled out my red leather jacket, that I bought just before I started to gain weight a few years ago.  I know I will be able to wear it this fall and that makes me happy..... :)

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

That day has come

Well here we are, last Friday- about a week after my 50th birthday, and noting that I am at the heaviest weight I have EVER been, I found myself there. 

Sitting in front of a Bariatric surgeon.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with doing surgery, but it's something that I have long fought against.  Much like an alcoholic or drug addict fight against going to treatment.  I could do it on my own, I thought.  Well I have finally allowed myself to get to the conclusion that I NEED HELP - SOME SERIOUS HELP.

I am trying a Dr. supervised Optifast diet.  Basically a specially formulated liquid diet for the next 3 to 4 months.  I am able to have small portions of veggies and stock, and I can replace a shake with a meat and veg meal on special occasions, but otherwise, I'm done with food!

Today is day two and I am having all kinds of physical and mental stress.  The runs this morning, peeing every second (do to the increased water intake), slight headache and body ache, and then there is the ache that's not physical, but mental.  I MISS FOOD!

I am taking a Clean Eating on-line course as I go through this process, and I am also working my way through a cognitive therapy workbook, and a binge eating book, in an effort to truly change from the inside out.  I know it's the only change I have to make this work. 

I printed off a calendar and I'm crossing off each completed day.  2 down, 118 to go. To put it into perspective, I keep telling myself, I am only 118 days away to a brand new me, and a brand new life. 

I do not have the option of quitting this, my life depends on it!


Sunday, January 31, 2016

It got real...... real fast.

On the eve of starting month number 2 of the year, I am thinking about the goals I have set and more particularly my trip in May, where I decided on a whim to order 3 bikin's to wear on my trip.  I am currently wearing a size 18 and bought size 14.  I still think I might be too big to wear them but I am hoping.  Anyway, I got them this week and I tried them on... one top just simply does not fit.  but the others do.... I have stayed away from this blog because I made the decision to post the pics as my before pics, but have been terrified to post them.  Any way, here goes nothing......

Weigh in day

have been struggling with food yet again.  Not beating myself up about it because I have not been eating horribly, just not on the no carb plan.  The result is that my weight has started to fluctuate again... \I was up 6 pounds on my scale on Monday morning and currently show 3 pounds up.  I know this is water weight, as I didn't over eat enough for this to be fat.  I fell back into my old fast food go to meal on Friday.  After being disappointed on a first date I found myself at a McDonalds drive through at 2:00 in the morning!  Still for the month of January 1 have eaten fast food 2x, (the second time was on Saturday when I had a subway meatball sub!).

I am going to start tracking my days without (carbs, fast food etc) as I find that helps me visualize my accomplishments. 

So my weigh in this morning puts me at 277.01  pounds which is a total loss of pounds since the beginning of the year.  I will do one last non official weigh in on the first of the month to see what my total lost for the month.  

I have somehow tricked myself into believing that eating carb free means it's ok to eat high fat..... ummm it's not... need to do better next month.  goal is 20lbs. and goal weight is 257.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

A moment in time

just home from workout #4 in two days with my new trainer Matt.  This was all shoulders and arms and I killed it.....

I had forgotten that he is a 22 year old kid who is in his last year of college and has no experience actually dealing with clients.  Tonight on my last exercise we had a chance to chat a bit, and I told him about me, my life before I started working out, my fear of judgment from others when I first came to the gym, how every aspect of my life has changed since I started working out, and how I felt like I needed to work on alllll of the other fucked up parts of my life before I could get to the weigh loss part of my journey. 

He was touched by my story.  He actually had tears in his eyes and said he was so touched and so happy to hear my story.  I told him to take some time to notice people who are overweight at the gym  who are obviously new (not just overweight people, but people who do not fit the norm).  \I told him that if they are anything like I was, they are terrified.  They don't look up and try not to catch anyone's eye, they are terrified that someone will notice they can only do the elliptical for 2 minutes before gasping for air, afraid of having someone laugh or make fun of them.  I know that feeling so well.  The fact that I have always felt accepted to the trainers, and many of the gym goers really made a difference in my life, and I wanted him to see that by training someone he needed to look at more than just their form, or the number of reps, or the scale. 

Anyway, we found a bond tonight and we are gonna kick ass together.  He will help me get lean, and I hope I will be able to give him some skills that he can use once he graduates.  The tools that will help him rise above the trainers who don't see the whole picture. 

Right now I am grateful for having so many people in my life that want to help me, and thankful that there are only about 20 steps to get to my bed, from where I am right now.  I am exhausted. 

Monday, January 25, 2016

Let the pain begin

started a double workout with Matt today.... first up at 6:30 a.m where we did a circuit : 300m on the rower (modified), 15 ball slams, 15 ball throws (into the air) 20 kettle bell shoulder lift. then trx training.... tonight was arm and shoulder weights and stretching.  Tomorrow is boxing in the a.m and weights in the p.m.  its going good but I am exhausted, until I get used to this schedule.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Why is this so hard all of a sudden

NEED to stay away from the crack carbs today. 

Managed to do a really low weight leg set last night, and this morning my knee is hurting a bit.... *sigh*

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

First Workout.

Did my first workout with Matt tonight. He seems like a great guy and was really good at explaining proper form etc.  Tonight was a benchmark workout and we will measure my progress in 12 weeks against tonight's workout.

bike - level 1 - 13 one minute each
squats - couldn't really do them because of knee
seated cable row - up to 120lbs ( 10 reps)
lateral pull downs - up to 140 lbs (10 reps)
push ups (woman's) 25
plank - 25 sec

needed to write this down so I can practice this routine myself....

EDIT:  just to come clean about my day yesterday, I cheated again yesterday on mini ritz crackers.  I got away with it on Monday, so figured I would try again, except this time I ate two snack tubs instead of 1, the scale is up 0.5lbs this morning. 

Today I will not cave!  Also of note, I did not crave carbs, I just WANTED to eat this. My head wanted it not my body

Tiny slip

weight loss 13.6 lbs
                 Days in Ketosis 0 (previously 13 days)
                 Days carb/sugar free : 0  (previously 15 days|)
                 Days fast food free 20

I had a weak moment yesterday.  I ate 2 chocolates, and 3 servings of mini oreo cookies.  I felt sick for the rest of the afternoon,  both physically and mentally.  But, I have gotten over it now.  So the fall out is this morning I am no longer in ketosis, but strangely, my weigh dropped 1.5 lbs over night.  Hmmmm now I did work out last night so that may have something to do with the drop, but I feel like I dodged a bullet and I got right back on track after the slip up which never happens. Gonna take this as a learning experience and move on.

In other news I met my new trainer last night.  Matt is his name and I think we will get along great. It was a bit odd walking around the gym with two trainers .  I imagined I was a top notch athlete with my team surrounding me.  lol  We did a bit of an overview, what I am capable of(he was impressed with how much weight I lift) and also what exercise I like/don't like, limitations etc.  This is all new to me as I am not really good at opening up and putting my complete trust in someone.  I will be giving feedback to my original trainer and the manager of the trainers and hopefully help this kid get a full time job at the gym and a good start in his career. 

I had a really nice heart to heart with my trainer B.J. as well.  I've trained with him for 6 or 7 years now and I'm not exaggerating when I say he has saved my life.  I have learned so much from him over this time, both about fitness, and probably more importantly about learning about me, and my self worth, about finding ways to fix myself, my body and my mind.  He has been a mentor, and  a trainer, and a really, really, good friend.  He recently got hired as a firefighter which is his lifelong dream.  I am so proud of him and what he has been able to accomplish in his young life. 

Last night he asked me what my long term goals are.  He is planning on leaving the gym in September.  I knew it was coming but I was briefly devastated.  BUT.... he is planning on continuing on at the gym that he trains at. It is super cool and super respected boxing gym and I think I am going to join in September.  In the 7 years I have been working out I have fallen head over heels with boxing and I cannot let it go from my life.  His gym is a martial arts/boxing gym, and I can still maybe do some personal one on one training with him there.  So my life is about to change in my 50th year.  The one thing I want to ensure is that I finish what I set out to do 7 years ago, and lose this weight!  So the next 8.5 months is really my last chance to finish what I started out to do and that is to get to my goal weight, and be fitter and healthier than I've ever been in my life, and I need to do this for Matt, for B.J, and most of all for me!  It's go time.....

Monday, January 18, 2016

Monday Morning

weight loss 12.2 lbs
                 Days in Ketosis 13
                 Days carb/sugar free : 15
                 Days fast food free 19

No weight change over the weekend, but not surprisingly, no exercise either.  Had a pretty slow weekend, but did manage to get all my food prep done for the week.  Slightly frustrated that my weigh is not going down.  especially when it seems to go up so frigging fast.  Nonetheless, I am staying positive.  

With 13 days remaining in the month i do not have much hope in reaching my 20lb weight loss goal for this month but I am ok with that as well. Although I meet my new (2nd) trainer tonight so will be starting the extra workouts with him, which I'm hoping is good for another pound or two. at least.  I will also try to up my workouts to get some extra calorie burn in. We will see.  So proud of myself for my stats above.  19 days with no fast food is a huge accomplishment.  I spent Saturday with my Dad and his wife, and my Dad, authomatically took my visit as a reason for a celebration. He wanted to order Chinese food for lunch.  Coming from a man who was a body builder, and a cyclist as a younster, and has never had a weight issue, he doesn't understand the concept of dieting... lol.  He did for the first time ever ask what I could have from Chinese.  When I told him nothing, he told me to decide where to order from.  So I ordered a very healthy Greek food order.  I had the shish Kebab, and salad, and just didn;t eat the pita bread or the tzeziki (sp) sauce.  Feeling great about my choice.

one BIG thing is that I ordered 3 (yes 3) new swimsuits for my trip that is coming up in May.  The reason it's BIG, is that I ordered 3 BIKINI'S.  I have not worn a bikini since I was about 5 years old.... I currently wear a size 18 / 20 and bought the swimwear in a size 14.  So I need to get down to about 220lbs in order to fit into them. That is about 50 lbs in the next 3.5 months.  WHAT WAS I THINKING!  Here is what I ordered. 

Saturday, January 16, 2016

Mid month update

Of Note:  weight loss 12.2 lbs
                 Days in Ketosis 11
                 Days carb/sugar free : 13
                 Days fast food free 17

Moving along nicely. Feeling good about this now... getting the hang of what I can eat and making lots of recepies.  Almost feel like this could be an easy way of life to follow...  The biggest factor keeping me from binging is knowing I am in ketosis and if I eat carbs/sugar it will take me out of ketosis and will take 3 days to get back into this loveley fat burning zone.   After the initial 10lb loss, things have slowed up, but I know that the last couple of pounds at least are pure fat. There is no up and down on the scale, every morning it goes down by a couple of ounces.

This week I am going to stay away from weighing daily.  I finally got back to boxing last night. my knee injury is healing - it felt great!  Two personal training sessions this week and my trainer just waived me off when I tried to pay :"sign a sheet"  he has given me approx 10 free sessions recently. Next week I start with a second trainer..... will equate to 4 free sessions a week and 2 or 3 sessions with my regular trainer.  I feel blessed to have such an awesome team of people around me helping me do this.....

Off to get a hair cut.

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Slaving over a hot stove... :)

Today, I have spent a majority of the day prepping meals for the week.  All Poon approved (low carb, low fat, low sale)  I am determined to set myself up to succeed this coming week.  Going to run out tonight and pick up the balance of ingredients needed for a few more recipes to make tomorrow, and i am good to go.

Photos of Bourbon chicken thigh (still in the crock pot), Crack slaw (made with ground turkey) and egg mcmuffins.

Friday, January 8, 2016

Tough Day,

It was a tough day today, filled with so much temptation....

But I killed it.  Pasteries, a co-working telling me alllllll day how wonderful they were, so fresh, still warm, so darn good.  She knows I am trying so hard to stay on plan, yet she spend all day trying to de - rail my efforts.  I almost broke late this afternoon, but she came back to me one last time to mention there were still some left and they were so good.  THAT gave me the last little bit of resolve I needed.  I picked up the last remaining pasterie, sitting on the table behind me, and walked it down to the other end of the office and gave it to one of the staff.... told him to take it home and snack on the way home.  BAM.

Tonight I went to a friends place for dinner....She made a lovely pork roast, home cut french fries, and some rapini on the side.... I had the pork roast and rapini, and took a pass on the fries.  I did have a small glass of red wine, but that is it.... DAYUM.

So proud of myself.  this was the first time in a long time I made an active decision to stay on my program and that is a huge win!

Thursday, January 7, 2016

Of note

Last fast food - Dec 30 (8 days)
Sugar/carb free since Jan 4 (3 days)

day 4 is a motherfucker.   Want something sweet so badly.  Will not give in this time.  Had unsweetened cocoa powder.  5 sweeteners (did I mention I loathe the taste of sweetners) with a bit of cream.  Now going to bed. 

I am now fully in ketosis.... burning fat like the crazy woman I am lol.

Scared about tomorrow's challenge.  Fresh pastries for a team meeting.   Hurdle #1.   I will provide details of the outcome whether I succeed or fail. 

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

lets talk pain and sugar

two things that came to mind that I want to put down in writing.

The first is the pain. Something I rarely talk about but I dont' want to forget about.  I went from 278 down to 230 and recently back up to 287 lbs.  Once I hit the 280 mark my knees started to hurt and I found out I have arthritis in my one knee for sure, but likely in both.  Along wit the knee pain, I also am just stiff.  My feet ache as though I have walked a marathon, my ankles throb, my calves ache and I feel a constant stiffness in my thighs, and hips.  This is alllll weight related. My body simply cannot sustain carrying this much weight.  I had forgotten about the pain since I haven't experienced it for the last 5 years (while I maintained at the 230 to 250 range) .  I just don't ever want to forget about this pain, because once it's gone (I think in about 10lbs or so) I NEVER want to feel this pain again - unless of course its after completing a sprint triathlon or something similar.

The second thing is an observation, not even sure if I'm correct, so if anyone is reading this, your input is appreciated. I have been extremely tired these last two days.  Like can hardly  hold by head up tired.  I thought it was because I have gone back to work after being off for a few weeks and having crazy sleeping patterns.  But I realized that this is also my day 2 with no carbs and no sugar.  I am wonderin if this is the detox process.  Weaning myself off the sugar and carbs that is making me feel so freaking sluggish?  Hmmm something to ponder......

Do NOT be realistic

Saw this, this morning in a facebook post.  /The poster went from 265lbs to 130ish pounds and is now on the verge of becoming a pro boxer.  So inspired by this woman.

I have spent many years being told I am not realistic in life goals,,,, you can't, you shouldn't - why would you... have been words I've always heard. Is it realistic to lose 100lbs for someone who has been heavy their whole life - YES.  Is it realistic that a nearly 50 year old can box - HELL YES and is it realistic that a fat, nearly 50 year old woman can lift crazy weights and turn her body into that of a fine tuned athlete - FUCK YES!!!!

Today is day 2 back on my metabolic diet.  It's funny because I have been running to the bathroon constantly but haven't been drinking any more water than normal... Turns out my body was releasing all the water that has accumulated over the holiday's with all the bad food choices.  This morning I am down 7 of the lbs I was up over the holidays.

Feeling strong

Sunday, January 3, 2016

Prep day

Groceries are purchased, and prep work is about to begin.  

Saturday, January 2, 2016

Setting myself up for success.

Yesterday was a bit of a bust food wise.  I didn't have any healthy options in the house so I ended up eating a ton of carbs.

I know that the key to my success is planning my meals.  If I don't have healthy options, prepped or cooked and ready to go, I will fail.  I am not going to let that happen.

Just finished a grocery list and will head out shortly.  Will be trying 3 new recipes.  1 breakfast type option and two man meal options.  What I plan on doing is having my two "main meals" at breakfast and lunch, and then have the lighter "breakfast" type meal in the evening.  I will be working out 4 nights of the week with a trainer and I find it difficult to eat anything in the hours before I work out so I think this will work for me.  Who said breakfast has to be eggs or cereal anyway.  I will be rocking some beef and sczechwan beans for breakfast and egg muffins for dinner.  Whatever works right.

The basis of my Poon diet is very low carbs, low salt and low fat, so my food choices for this first phase are very restricted.  Lots of meat and leafy green options, vegetables but no dairy, fruit, carbs.  I did do a couple of weeks of this diet before Christmas and I dropped weight, so I am excited to get back on it and STAY on it.

4 months until my trip south.  I have no doubt that I will NOT be bikini ready in May, but I think I can at least get to a place where I feel comfortable on a beach.  Heading down for a destination wedding.  It's time to get back to where I was last year at this time, which is 50lbs less than i am right now.  230LBS IS MY GOAL WEIGHT FOR MY TRIP.