Sunday, December 28, 2008

Hypnotherapy Update

Have your heart in your life's work, and be stout-hearted. Do something, act always, and do it now. Don't be afraid. Many a man has been defeated by his doubts—lack of confidence. Take your risks—you cannot eliminate them, you cannot escape them. You can diminish them by dominating them.- Batten's Wedge

As posted previously, I quit smoking back in November with the help of a hypnotherapist. Now when I started this whole hypnosis thing it was simply to quit smoking. I read that the success rate is approx 80% and decided it was worth a try. After being successful at quitting smoking, I thought that perhaps the therapist could hypnotize me again for weight loss purposes and put some positive thoughts into my head. I figured it worked for smoking, perhaps it would work for overeating. I did not, however, ever think about this as "real" therapy, dealing with the root causes of my obesity. I figured that I would be hypnotized, the hypnotherapist would put good thoughts and behaviours into my head, I would wake up and start losing weight, and in fact this was true for the first three sessions, (except for the losing weight part, that hasn't started yet lol).

On December 23, I went for my forth and final hypnosis session for weight loss. It started out wonderful as my hypnotherapist is also a certified elite trainer and has offered to show me around the gym she goes to and get me into a certain comfort zone in the gym. She is aware that my weight loss goals have not so much to do with looking good but more about feel strong and healthy and fit and she also understands that I am terrified about joining a gym. My goal is to complete a triathlon (try-a -tri) in the not too distant future. I was, and am still extremely excited and grateful for her help and guidance.

So on to the hypnosis session. It all started as all previous sessions had, her talking to me and putting good weight loss thoughts into my head. Then she did something that she hasn't done before and that is she asked me to pretend the excess fat on my body is sitting across from me. She asked me to imagine what that fat would say to me if I asked it what it's purpose was is in my life, why do I keep this fat on my body. She actually asked me to say, OUT LOUD what I thought the response would be! I had never been asked to speak in any of the sessions so this threw me for a major loop. I lay there, frozen in fear, the fear of talking about all the things I have kept buried deep within my being but she persisted and I finally blurted out "It protects me". She then asked me what it protects me from, and the pain of many many years was brought to the surface, but i couldn't answer. She kept asking me what it was protecting me from and I just kept shaking my head while my mind was screaming NOOOOOOOO, please don't ask me to talk about this. I could feel tears pouring from my eyes. Part of me wanted to talk talk about it but on this day I was not ready to let go of any of the painful memories that I have carried with me for years (I should mention here that there is no big dark secret in my past, no abuse or anything like that, just years and years of being teased and tormented about my weight and being made to feel like I was not good enough because I was fat). I awoke from my hypnotic state feeling disturbed rather than relaxed as I had felt after previous sessions and to be honest that feeling has not fully left me to this point.

When I left her office, I was driving home and it suddenly hit me, that this is in fact THERAPY! I could sugar coat it any way I wanted to, but the fact remained I am going to therapy to deal with my issues surrounding weight. I realized that I cannot rely on someone to "fix" me solely by putting new thoughts into my head, I realize I am going to have to face all of the negative things that I have been buried within me since I was about 10 years old. I am TERRIFIED at this prospect but I am also READY. I have committed to this journey and I am ready to break free of the old me.
On a somewhat different topic. Have you ever wondered what you look like to others, I mean really look like. I was browsing through some pictures on facebook (my cousin's son's photos) and noticed that I was standing in the background. I had to look about 3 times before I actually believed this was me, but yep, it was. Totally the most unflattering picture I have seen of me, but I was pleasantly surprised that rather than feeling upset at the sight of this picture, I was rather indifferent and thought that it was a good "true" indication of how I look and gives me a starting point. Anyway here is the picture.

50 days smoke free

It's all over! I honestly was not into the whole Christmas thing this year and I am glad it is over. I think my friends and family are a bit concerned by this(although they don't say so outright) and I worry that they fear I am sad or depressed, but honestly I feel like I am on standing at the threshold of something bigger in my life, I have really begun the journey to find the real me as my blog is titled and it excites me and it scares me to death.

As previously posted I quit smoking back on November 8, 2008. Today I am 50 days smoke free. I admit that I am super excited about this because it really is the first thing in a long long time that I have done to make myself proud. I am feeling great and have no fear that I will ever go back to smoking which is a great thing, but even more exciting is there has emerged a new inner voice which is drowning out that negative voice that used to constantly whisper inside me telling me "you will fail, you can't do this, you've NEVER succeeded at anything you have tried". Oh yes, this new voice is not whispering it is screaming out to me and telling me "AFTER 28 YEARS YOU HAVE QUIT SMOKING - GIRL, IF YOU CAN DO THAT, YOU ARE CAPABLE OF ANYTHING".

So I am back, there is lots more to write about with regard to my ongoing hypnosis sessions, there are feelings that have been brought to the surface which have made me upset, unsettled and scared, but I know I need to deal with these things in order to move forward and as scary as it is to open up and talk about the mental aspects of being overweight, I believe that is the key to changing my eating, changing my body and changing my life.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

The Journey Continues

Well it has been a while since I have posted. First let me say .......... I AM A NON SMOKER!!!!! Holy crap it worked. I can not believe it and I don't know how it worked, but I really don't give a rats ass cause it really did work. I have gotten over the hard part, the withdrawal symptoms. I had a few nights of waking up in a sweat, but no cravings at all. It's like the memory of how it felt to smoke, the taste, the inhaling the smoke has been erased from my memory. ANYWAY..........

I was so encouraged by the results of the stop smoking sessions that I booked a 4 week weight loss package which starts tomorrow night. I know it sounds gimicky, at least I think so, but it worked so well with the smoking that I think it has to be worth a try.

I will be back to post this weekend.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

comparison pics - Is my face getting thinner?

The first picture was in August, the second one is current- down 12lbs. Granted my hair is now cut short and I have makeup on in the second pic, I may not be thinner, but I definitely look better in the second picture, so all the water and healthy eating has done some good :)

My cigarettes are going up in smoke

So today was the day. I had my consultation with the hypnotherapist. Next Saturday I go in for my first of two hypnotherapy sessions to quit smoking. I am excited and a little bit sad at the same time. Smoking has been part of my life for 28 years. But I am so ready to quit and am looking forward to reaping the benefits of being smoke free.

I also realize that quitting smoking may make it a bit harder to continue on my weight loss journey. I think for a couple of weeks I will try to concentrate on giving up smoking while just trying to maintain my new eating habits. They hypnotherapist knows I am on weight watchers and I think she will incorporate my eating habits into my hypnosis session.

I am STOKED and cannot wait to be able to say I AM A NON SMOKER.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Week 5 weigh in

Well my back is finally feeling good again, and I was determined to weigh in this week after missing weigh in for the last two weeks. Because my home scale reads different that the w.w. scale, I really had no idea if I had lost, gained, or stayed the same. I now know that my home scale reads 10lbs heavier than w.w.

Anyway I am happy to report my loss was 2.6 lbs, bringing my total loss to 12 lbs. Although I was down on the scale, I do realize that I have not been giving this 100% effort. I am determined that I am going to make losing weight a priority for the next little while.

Having said that, I have pulled out the tracker and will write down everything I eat. I think I have been making pretty good choices and my loss proves that, but I could be doing a lot better and that is what I will focus on for the next week.

Plus, in order to achieve my original goal of losing 7lbs per month, I need to lose 4.4 lbs in the next two weeks. I am going to go out on a limb and say, I am going to do it!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008


So on the holiday Monday, I went out for a hike. This is literally the first exercise I have gotten in...... well a really long time! I have to say it was really tough, I was out of breath, my back and legs were aching but you know what, I felt great to get out there and get moving. Here are a couple of pictures. I absoulely hate the picture of me, but it is reality and reminds me why I need to lose weight. Oh by the way the total hike was 4.5 k - One step closer to climbing my mountain.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Bucket List objective- - LEARN TO RIDE A MOTORCYCLE

Most of the people I know would think this is a strange entry on my bucket list, since I have never even sat on a bike before let alone ride on the back of one, and have never really talked about wanting to ride one. There has always been something that draws me to this lifestyle. I think it is the freedom on a bike. I really don't have any desire to ride around the city on a daily basis, but I would love to take a bike trip either across the state of California, or up the Dempster highway up in the Yukon.

A couple of my friends who have husbands that ride are extremely interested in learning to ride as well, so we are planning on going to a riding school in the spring of 09 to learn.

Get your motor running, get out on the highway, looking for adventure, and whatever comes our way - Steppenwolf. Born to be wild baby- hahahaha

Happy Thanksgiving

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. - John Fitzgerald Kennedy

Well yesterday I celebrated Thanksgiving at our family's annual Thanksgiving at my cousin's home. I've been doing weight watchers for about a month now and truthfully have been struggling for the last two weeks. I have basically stopped tracking, which I know is key for my weight loss success. I could use the excuse that I have been dealing with a painful back for the last month and have made that my priority, however, regardless of my back issues I have been slacking in the weight watchers department and have even stayed away from meetings for the last two weeks. Anyway, I was getting ready to go to my cousin's and I thought I would add a challenge to my day and really use the day as a celebration rather than an excuse to eat my face off. So, I went and had a wonderful time connecting with aunts, uncles and cousins, laughed my arse off and had a small plate of food. Even with all of the amazing desserts out on the table, I stuck to one small piece of cheesecake and some fruit. Today I feel good that probably for the first time ever, I thought of the holiday as a time to really give thanks for all of the wonderful people in my life and not think of it as an excuse to eat everything in my sight.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Sunday's kitchen Creation

Cheesy baked cod

Now this was absolutely fabulous. The ingredients were all very rich (i.e butter, cheddar cheese, breadcrumbs for the topping) but because it's so rich I could only eat a small portion. I ran it through the recipe builder and it works out to make 6 portions at 7pts per portion. I think I will freeze half of it and use the other half for my lunch this week. I will grill some asparagus later to have with it. Yumo!

Bucket List objective- Climb a mountain

Have you ever heard of a Bucket List? I saw the movie of the same name a few months ago, wherein the two gentleman embark to fulfill the things that are on the one guys bucket list. Basically it is the things that you would like to accomplish before you kick the bucket. Now this movie got me thinking, and I comprised a bucket list of my own and that really has gotten me to start changing my habits and moving myself closer to accomplishing the things on my list. I have chosen many things, and my list keeps changing. Some are specific goals, some are more general. For me, they are all dreams that I CAN make a reality. I will profile these bucket list items bit by bit on my blog to sort of make things a bit more not so out of reach.

So the item I posted today reads on my bucket list as "climb a mountain". Pretty vague right? I have been on several adventures where going on amazing hikes were well within my reach but because of my weight, my smoking, and poor fitness level they were not attainable. This fact, however, has left me wondering about the beauty that lies at the end of that hiking trail. I was watching a program on TVO tonight where 4 people were climbing/hiking to Robson Glacier in B.C. The one woman, who had given up smoking at the same time as starting the 3 day trip, found herself gasping for breath as she was climbing a steep incline. She said" I hear that the harder to climb- the better the view" This really stuck in my head and I wanted to write it down.

I have a very strong image in my head of the way I will feel when I reach the end of that trail. With the sun and a fresh mountain breeze on my face, my body spent from the effort put forth to get there, and the sense of overwhelming accomplishment that I will feel as I look out into the stillness and wonder of Canada's wild! So now i am looking into places to climb/hike even though this goal is in my distant future. I am thinking maybe the Robson Glacier, perhaps Gros Morne National Park in Nfld, as I made it to the start of the trail and had to turn back when I quickly realized I could not do it. The place I really have in the back of my head is the Chilkoot Pass, made famous during the Gold Rush from B.C. into the Yukon. I drove through the vicinity on my trip to the Yukon many years ago and read alot about it sooooooooo perhaps that will be the mountain I will climb!

Time will tell, time will tell.

My 22 pt breakfast!!!!!!

So I thought I would make a nice big brunch. Here it is onion, asparagus and mushroom egg white omelette sprinkled with cheddar cheese and a whole wheat bagel with butter. Of course a caramel coffee on the side. It was absolute heaven, and then I added up the points- 22 pts. Holy crap!!!!!!! Well I enjoyed it and still have 9 pts left for supper and it is a new week so my flex are re-set. I will use this as a reference the next time I want to eat a whole bagel with my breakfast and add butter to it. On another note, my back is feeling better today, I went grocery shopping early this morning and picked up the most gorgeous roses which brightened up my day. Later I will be trying a few more receipes. Oatmeal breakfast bars and baked cod. If they work out, I will upload pictures later on.

Here are the flowers

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Sunday- cookoff

Recipe- chicken with asparagus and red potatoes

My new Calphalon dutch oven

Yeah so today I needed to make something to tide me over this week for lunch or dinner. If I don't plan out my meals I will fail, this is one thing that I know for SURE.

Problem is, I didn't feel like going out to the grocery story today. I threw together some chicken which I bought at Costo yesterday with some asparagus and red potatoes. I added some red pepper and some rosemary and a touch of olive oil, plus sea salt and pepper of course, and voila, a w.w. friendly dish for this week. I also took out some frozen pasta that I made a few weeks ago and I think I am set for the week. Just need some soy milk to make my morning smoothies.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Week 2 weigh in

So last week I was away for 3 days shopping in Michigan. I met a group of friends for dinner on Tuesday night and it was TOM starting on thursday, so I was a little worried about weigh in Thursday night.

I am very happy and excited to report that I was down 1.4lbs. While that doesn't seem like much after my 8lb first week weigh in, I will take it an run.

So after two weeks my total loss is 9.4lbs. I guess that is my total for the month of September as well as next weeks weigh in will fall in October. I am very happy with that. Last night I drank 1/2 bottle of wine. I totally enjoyed it and I'm ready to move forward today. Back OP and back to basics. I have to go out for dinner tonight and then again on Tuesday night, but I will make good choices.

Weekly highlights include:
-making healthier choices at restaurants on the weekend
-NOT making food and eating the priority while I was away
-staying away from Tim Hortons coffee in the morning. I have made my own all week.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Weigh in number 1

Woot Woot. My first weigh in tonight and I am down a staggering 8lbs. Yeah me. I totally needed to see a good number on that scale, it was sooooo motivating for me.

then I went to my first yoga class and guess what I discovered....... Yoga just isn't in the cards for me! lol When I joined I envisioned stretching - like standing and stretching, doing poses and stuff. I told Merlyn that as long as we didn't have to sit on the floor I was good! The whole fricken class was sitting down on the floor!!!!! My back was killing me and my arms were killing me from trying to hold myself upright, and I didn't even do any of the poses, I just couldn't. Halfway through the class I put my shoes on and came home :( No worries, at least I tried it, and I am proud of myself for that. On to the next form of exercise.

So tomorrow I work a half day and then I'm off to Frankenmuth, Michigan to do a little shopping. Should be a fun weekened , I just have to stay away from the good German food! One of the lawyers at work keeps telling me about all the wonderful food, beer battered onion rings, roast beef dinner, all you can eat chicken and mashed potato dinners...... I didn't have the heart to tell him I just joined weight watchers and probably wouldn't be partaking in too much of this stuff. Please God, give me the strength to get through mealtimes over the next few days. On a good note I will be walking constantly, so that has to count for something, doesn't it.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Recipe for today

So here is recipe number 1: Chicken and Penne Casserole with Tomatoes and Goat Cheese
(w.w. Best Eats, page 100)

3 stars (out of 5)
So today started with grocery shopping. I emptied my fridge and cupboards of stuff yesterday and managed to do pretty well. Used only 4 flex and drank 2l of water.
Today, I am making a couple of new recipes and will try to drink 2L of water again.

So I thought I should take a couple of official before pics. You can see how twisted I am because of the back issues I am having at the moment. The pic's aren't pretty, but they are reality:

Friday, September 12, 2008

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

So I re-joined weight watchers last night. Met the two gals from on line at the centre, they both seem like nice gals. So I was surprised by my start weight which was 272.6lbs. This is about 10 lbs lighter then my home scale weighs me. Yeah. Plus I was wearing a back brace for my back problems and I had on my jacket so I am looking for a good loss next week when I weigh in normal clothes.

So today, I didn't have time to grocery shop etc so it has not been a great day, but I knew that going in. I just wanted to get the re-joining done. Looking forward to shopping and meal planning for next week over the next few days.

I also spoke to Fran tonight and her surgery went well and she is recouperating nicely. I am so happy and so relieved that it is done. Look forward to seeing her next week when she is home from the hospital.

Thursday, September 11, 2008


I just realized that I am posting about new beginnings on September 11. That is a day that EVERYTHING changed for us all. I know that watching the events unfold on that day changed something in the core of my being and today my heart goes out to all the people who were lost in the attacks and all the people who are still suffering. Today is also the day after surgery for my dear friend Francis. She had her 2nd knee replacement surgery yesterday after years of suffering. Fran, you are in my thoughts today for a speedy recovery. This is a new beginning for you to and we are both going to make it this time! Love ya.

So I think this is a good place to post my September Monthly Goals which I plan to do for each month going forward.

1. Quit smoking by the end of the month
2. lose 10lbs - Goal weight 270lbs
3. exercise minimum 2 nights per week

So I am in great shape with the quitting smoking, but the other too may be difficult to accomplish with only a couple of weeks left this month. Anyway it's something to strive for I guess.

New Beginnins Part II

Well the last time I posted was June 1 and the title was New beginning. As is the norm for me, I never really started anything.

So since June, I have been meaning to do two things: re-start w.w. meetings, and quit smoking. As of yesterday while I hadn't done anything about either, I did look into quit smoking aids.

I have been feeling down and out for the last few days, My weight is at the highest ever and I am smoking like a chimney, and I am off work with a slipped disc in my back that is soooooo painful. But yesterday it seems that the planets aligned or something cause here is the deal:

1. On the w.w. ca board I noticed a message asking if anyone attends w.w. meeting in my hometown. wtf, the posters on this board are from all over Canada and there are actually 2 people joining w.w. tonight here where I live, so I asked if I could join them tonight and voila, I am re-joining w.w.

2. I had been looking into hypnotherapy as a cessation method to quit smoking and last night I received an email from the hypnotherapist in my town advising the rates etc for hypnotherapy to quit smoking. There are two packages one costs $200.00 and is a two day plan and the other costs $500.00 and is a longer program that also deals with other issues like weight gain from stopping smoking.

Yeah, I feel like this may very well be the new beginnings of a brand spankin' new me. See this is what I was thinking of when I chopped my hair off a few weeks ago. Ya gotta love the thrill of new beginnings.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

A new day

Well, here I am again. It took me 3.5 years to lose 50lbs with w.w. and approx 1 year to gain it all back. This morning I weighed in and I am 2lbs away from from starting weight. Soooo, I'm hoping this blog will be a place for me to vent, share and just get things off my chest. Lots of internal things have gone on in the last while and some big stuff is going on right now, I just don't want to internalize my trials and tribulations any more.

So , here we go,

Start Weight 276lbs (god, that is hard to write, but necessary)
August 1, 2008 10% goal - 248.4
January 1, 2009 post Weight Watchers goal - 228
March 1 2009 goal - 200 lbs
December 2009 goal - 160 lbs