Sunday, November 27, 2016

Time to fight

Two months since my last post. No longer taking the optifast shakes (totally didn't work with my IBS), I've still been working on myself though.  I went to California last month and just cleared my mind and rejuvenated my spirit. 

So as I mentioned in a previous post, my trainer from the gym was AWAL.  This is still the case.  I had a really hard time dealing with this, mostly because of our friendship.  I thought we had become very close friends.  I have spilled my guts to him and he has always been so supportive and helpful and on some level I am angry that he didn't value my friendship enough to lean on me when times got tough for him.  I sent him a note telling him that I won't keep bugging him (he has never responded to my texts), but rather that I am always here for him if/when he was ready to reach out, and I wished him happiness in his life.  I feel in my heart that I will hear from him again, but for the interim I needed to just close that chapter for the time being.

I also realized that I miss boxing, I wasn't sure why, but I know not fighting made me sad. So I went back to the gym and started working out with the only other trainer that does boxing.  He was more nervous than I because he is just learning how to teach boxing.  We are actually teaching each other but he is super nice and super helpful and it is working out well.

Which is what brought my to my blog today- I had such a strong realization a few days again, that hit me like a ton of  bricks.  It was like I had a big moment of clarity.... and then just like that it was gone.  Fuck. I couldn't remember it for the life of me.... and I tried to remember for 2 days.  Today it came back to me. 

I have never learned to fight in my life.  I come from a family that does not fight.  I've never fought for a job, never fought for a guy, never fought for my health.  My sisters and I would not say shit if our mouth was full of it.  It's how we were raised.  I feel like I walk around and just accept everything that is thrown at me, like its my motherfucking destiny. What has come along with that is low self esteem and no confidence at all in my ability.  Perhaps that is what is holding me back in my weight loss?  I really do not expect big things out of myself.  I've always accepted being mediocre.  Mediocre job, mediocre life, mediocre body. 

When I'm fighting is the only time I truly feel superior.  I have been reading about the warrior attitude and have been really trying to find my inner warrior.  This morning I walked into my boxing session with an absolute different mindset.  Like I was a muthafucking champion boxing and who nobody can touch.  I blew the workout out of the water.  My form was on point, my punches were crazy hard and I was quick.  I was 110% focused and confident and it felt amazing.  I boxed for 1.5 hours but could have easily done 3 hours at the same intensity.

I know that I need to find a way to bring that same attitude to my food.  Focus on what I want long term, not what I want right now.  Expect more out of myself.  Be a fucking warrior and do what is necessary. 

One thing I do know, I will not stop fighting. I will never give up on myself.

At the end of my session, my trainer was blown away with how awesome this session was, and I asked if he wanted to be in my corner when I fight.  It just slipped out.  Holy fuck.  Do I have a fight set up- no.  But that truly is what I want to do.  but I gotta be 100 lbs lighter than I am,