Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Another week, another challenge

21 day Challenge

Food goal for day 1-3 no carbs, lots of veggies, protein, but no fruit

Day 4 -7 small amount of carbs, but no pasta, bread or potatoes

Week 1 exercise goal - weights 3x week + 35 km of cardio (anything but bike)

Day 1
- breakfast - ground beef with zuchini and onion (1/2 cup)
- lunch - same as above, but with tomato and onion salsa
-Dinner -ugggggh more of the beef an zucchini, baked broccoli with roasted pepper.

Exercise - 4.0km/ 35

Today - on target

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Back at it

Yesterday was a really hard day for me. I ended up giving myself the day to just say "fuck everything" and just let myself be upset. I didn't track any food, or think about exercising, in fact I spent most of the day checking to see if I got an email from a certain someone, (which I didn't and don't really expect to).

Anyway, I got an overwhelming craving for chocolate cake in the afternoon, and tried over and over to put it out of my head, but couldn't, so I went and bought a packaged chocolate cake mix and a can of icing and came home and made a cake. I fully intended to eat the whole damn thing, you know in a stuff down your pain kind of way. Then I realized after eating two pieces, that I was still upset, still in pain and I need to feel the pain in order to let it go. I then did something that I NEVER would have done in the past - I threw the rest of the cake out. Gonzo....

I am strong, and I can get through life's sad moments without turning to binge eating - oh yes I can :)

Today, I am going to a cooking class which focuses on cooking for weight loss and can incorporate gluten free and dairy free options. Looking forward to getting out of the house and learning something new.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Not being good enough

"Moving on is simple, it’s what you leave behind that makes it so difficult."

How can someone be so perfect for you in every way except that their actions, no matter how unintentional, continue to make you feel like you are not good enough.

I hope walking away is the right decision. Right now it doesn't feel that way, but I guess time will tell...

Monday, May 23, 2011

Lesson #4- another letter to myself

This lesson was more about telling the not so thin self what you think of her and then writing back to the thin self telling them what you need from them.... I think the whole thing is getting to know yourself....

Dear not so thin me:

Ok, I know I was a bit harsh in my last note, I have actually quite surprised at how angry I was with you. The truth is, I see you as such a good person, I know your family and friends adore you, and I just want you to be confident and love yourself. I see how proud you are of the changes you have made to your body so far, you have inspired others to try and change their own lives and you have accomplished so much in a relatively short period of time. I just think this your time, this is your window of opportunity and want to finish this journey strong. I want you to join me here on the other side where you are strong, fit, are able to wear the most fantastic clothes, and not so thin me – over on this side you will be able to wear the hot stylish high heel shoes too! I know how much you long to wear them J When you join me over here on the thin side, I just know you will be content – truly content, I’ve seen your self confidence soar in the last few years, I just know that is the tip of the iceberg for you. I really am tired of seeing you struggle in this life- you know, letting weight be the one factor that decides almost everything in your life. I want the issue of weight to be a NON factor in your life, so that you can use all of that energy enjoying every moment of the new life that is waiting for you over here. Come on over not so thin me, I am waiting for you and if anyone can do this, it’s you.

Dear thin me:

Thank you for the kind words. I too was a little bit taken aback by the harshness of your words, but I do understand how frustrating it must be to watch me struggle with something that truly looks on the outside to be a simple problem which can be remedied by not eating as much. I do appreciate your words and can tell you that yelling at me and making me feel small is not the way to get me over to the thin side, I need you to be a cheerleader for me, keep re-enforcing the fact I am worth it, I can do it and I will do it. Give me a little push in the mornings when I don’t want to get up and go to the gym…. Be that little voice in my head telling me I really do not need that piece of cake or the second serving. Help me to see myself as beautiful, smart, funny and capable of doing this, and most importantly keep reminding me that I am worth it. I deserve to be the best possible me that I can be and that I am so going to love the freedom that being thin will bring me….. Yes, thin me, I believe it is finally time to unshackle the chains that have held me back for so long….. together, I think we can do this.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

A course in weight Loss-Lesson #2

(SWEAR WORD ALERT) I don't want to offend anyone - Lots and lots of f*bombs* in this post.....

Working my way through a binge eating book called A course in Weight Loss- 21 Spriitual lessons for surrendering your weight forever by Marianne Williamson. My all time favorite quote is from a book by Marianne Williamson , so when I saw this book I picked it up. It does have a slightly religious undertone, but seems to deal more with giving over your fear to a higher power, whatever that higher power may be to you.

Anyway today was lesson #2 and what I needed to do was write two letters, one from my thin self to my not so thin self, and then one from my not so thin self to my fat self. What I found is that the anger that I feel towards my not so thin self- the self loathing that I have felt for so long really came out in the letter from my thin self. At first I thought this may be a bit too personal to add here, and then I realized that it is true and honest and when I first started a blog it was so that I had a place to write down my raw feelings.... here it goes:

Dear Lardo:

Just what the hell do you think you are doing? Why are you continuing to stuff your fat fucken face with a bunch of shit that you know is not going to get you to your goal of being thin. You say you want this so bad, you work out in the gym and sweat your ass off, then walk around for the next two days sore as hell from working out so hard and deal with reoccurring injury day after day, month after month, for over two years now yet you are still 240 fucken pounds… Don’t believe them when they tell you that you have gained a lot of muscle and that’s why your weight is not going down. I know and you know its not true. You are burning 600 calories at the gym and then eating 1000 calories of pure shit on top of your regular calories for the day.

I know it’s hard to change into a person who you don’t really know how to be. I understand the thought of coming out into the limelight and getting attention can be scary- look I know you have lived much of your life in the shadow of others, always trying to stay under the radar. I know the thought of having attention cast your way, especially from men is hard since you have spent so much of your life pushing men away. I also know the thought of having a man be disgusted by your fat, scarred body is scary but remember, you learned how to live as a 280 lb woman and yes, you were able to keep a low profile, get by with just a few close friends, never really try anything new and exciting and keep the men away but can you say you have been happy? Absolutely fucken not. You feel like a failure most of the time, like life is passing your fat ass by. Who the fuck goes to the Caribbean and is too fucken scared to get up and walk down to the water in a swimsuit because she doesn’t want people to laugh at her fatness- who the fuck does that really- pays 1500 fucken bucks year after fucken year to go and sit on a chair on a beach, sweat your fucken ass off and be too afraid to walk down to the fucken ocean because your fat…It seems that everything you have ever done has been done half assed and now you have the chance to break free of the chains and live your life the way you want to live it, as an athlete and you just don’t have the fucken guts to do it! Who cares if you fail at something, everyone fucken fails. Failing should just give you the strength to push a little bit harder until you are successful. You are nothing but a fucken coward!

You know that I love you but come on, this is the opportunity of a lifetime, the closest you have ever gotten to really, REALLY becoming an athlete and living the life that you have always wanted to live….

Do you remember middleschool when the ugly little fuck used to walk past you every fucken day and yell out “laaaaaaardo” when he walked passed you. Do you remember how ashamed and embarrassed you were- huh do you remember lardo? Do you also remember how amazing it felt when you finally decided to stand up for yourself- Remember grabbing the little fuck by the shirt collar and smashing him into a locker? I’m sure his feet were off the ground! Remember the look of fear in his eye when you told him if he EVER said that to you again “he was dead”! and do you remember how for the next year and half, that scared little fuck was your FRIEND and said hello to you when he passed you in the hall. That took a lot of guts, I was truly proud of you for standing up for yourself. You can do this, you CAN change your life. Stand up for what you really want out of this life and fight.

Love you always,
Your thin, athletic self

Dear thin, athletic self

I know a lot of what I do does not make sense to you, really how can it. Sometimes I think that the damage done to my self esteem since I was a little kid is not repairable at this time in my life.

It’s true that the fact that I have always been fat so I have never really had high expectations for myself. I know that’s sad to say but that is how I have felt. Growing up I was the only fat kid at school, and although I didn’t get teased too badly It was always clear that boys were not interested in the fat girl…. I remember being in grade 3 and playing kissing tag – I kept running, and running and running, but there were never any boys chasing me to kiss me. Same with high school dances, nobody ever asked me to dance, eventually I just stopped going and found a job, so I would have an excuse for why I couldn’t go. I have been told by a boy at around age 10 that I had a pretty face and should consider losing some weight so I could find a boyfriend, and was given an elephant puppet by a boy as a joke gift, have had boys stick their head out of a passing car and tell me that I would have to walk all fucken night if I wanted to lose some weight(I was out for a walk to get some exercise) and I have, for many years seen a look of disappointment in my thin athletic fathers eyes telling my that he is ashamed of me.

I have watched both of my sisters make horrible mistakes with men. I’ve seen them place all of their self worth in the hands of the men they were dating or married to, and I have seen the devastation caused by tragic events caused by both of them. I think in a way I was so disgusted by my sisters’ need for a man in their lives to feel worthy, that I rebelled and decided that I didn’t need a man – I could find my own happiness and a way to ensure this was to pack on the pounds. I have made some headway with this though thin athletic self. I did meet a terrific guy and dated him for over two years before realizing that I was looking for something more serious that he was, and while we are no longer dating, I have learned that there are good men out there, and I also learned that do want to love and be loved. I am making some headway then although there is still something that is holding me back, just not sure what!

Please don’t give up on me thin, athletic self. I feel that in the last two years I have come into the light after living in the darkness for so long. I still have a way to go but I am learning more about myself every day. I am going to figure this out and make you proud – I promise.

Your not so thin self.