A moment in time

just home from workout #4 in two days with my new trainer Matt.  This was all shoulders and arms and I killed it.....

I had forgotten that he is a 22 year old kid who is in his last year of college and has no experience actually dealing with clients.  Tonight on my last exercise we had a chance to chat a bit, and I told him about me, my life before I started working out, my fear of judgment from others when I first came to the gym, how every aspect of my life has changed since I started working out, and how I felt like I needed to work on alllll of the other fucked up parts of my life before I could get to the weigh loss part of my journey. 

He was touched by my story.  He actually had tears in his eyes and said he was so touched and so happy to hear my story.  I told him to take some time to notice people who are overweight at the gym  who are obviously new (not just overweight people, but people who do not fit the norm).  \I told him that if they are anything like I was, they are terrified.  They don't look up and try not to catch anyone's eye, they are terrified that someone will notice they can only do the elliptical for 2 minutes before gasping for air, afraid of having someone laugh or make fun of them.  I know that feeling so well.  The fact that I have always felt accepted to the trainers, and many of the gym goers really made a difference in my life, and I wanted him to see that by training someone he needed to look at more than just their form, or the number of reps, or the scale. 

Anyway, we found a bond tonight and we are gonna kick ass together.  He will help me get lean, and I hope I will be able to give him some skills that he can use once he graduates.  The tools that will help him rise above the trainers who don't see the whole picture. 

Right now I am grateful for having so many people in my life that want to help me, and thankful that there are only about 20 steps to get to my bed, from where I am right now.  I am exhausted.