Whole 30 - DAy 25

I made it to day 25.  WHOOOOOHOOOO. This really is unchartered territory for me.  Not even a spec of sugar, carbs, dairy, or alcohol.  

One thing that I have learned is that 95% of my eating was for something other than necessity.  I am now free of the sugar/carb addiction, and I no longer want to eat.  I do eat, because I have to, but I do not eat because I want too. 

Still trying to figure this out, it's such a different concept for me.  Anyway 5 days to go and then on to re-introduction.   yeppers.

Whole 30 - Day 14- Halfway there.

Wow, I am shocked, proud and excited at the fact that I have successfully completed my second week on the whole 30 plan. I have spend the better part of the last 6 years trying desperately to stick to a plan, any plan - and there have been many.  So the fact that I have gotten this far is remarkable.  I keep telling myself, this is NOT a diet - it will not end, this is how I've always wanted to eat and I am here and will continue to eat this way going forward.  Yes I will add small amounts of dairy to my diet, (milk in my coffee mostly), and may partake in a dessert now and then or a glass of wine from time to time, but 90% of the time, this is how I will eat.  And that makes me happy.  HAPPY.

This last week has been a busy one- met up with a friend on Tuesday to catch up.  She wanted to go for dinner, like we always do, and when I told her I couldn't she immediately was ok with that. We went to Starbucks for coffee, and she got a snack pack that had a boiled egg in it, so I could have something to eat along with her.  Wednesday I went to a book signing with another friend, and we she asked if we could go grab something to eat in the food court.  I think she saw the look on my face (it was day 10- which is one of the hardest days) and then quickly changed and we went to Starbucks instead where she grabbed the same snack pack my friend had the day before - aaaaand gave me the egg to tide me over.  I love that my friends are always so supportive of attempts to figure out this weight thing.  My co-workers- not so much.  The person I work closely with, has done everything in her power to taunt me with food this last week.  Chocolate bars shoved in my face.  Chocolate eclairs for breakfast etc etc.  It has been constant and instead of making me cave, has given me strength to not allow these toxic people to break me.  The good news is she was recently downsized in a restructure within our department and she will be gone in a few more weeks.  Good riddance!

As for day 10 being a tough day.  It was really awesome coincidence that on day 10, the founder/creator of the Whole 30 was at the Indigo book store near me promoting her new cook book.  Of course I went with a friend of mine (who is now going to start the whole 30 for her and her family), and was just so inspired and now I'm ready to keep going.  Nothing will stop me from getting to 30 days.... Halfway there.

So how am I feeling.  The quick answer is great.  Skin is clearer, eyes are brighter, less bloating, less body pain.  From reading the plan, I envision that at this stage my body is fighting with my mind right now.  My body is telling my mind to give it sugar and flour... easy sources of fuel, and my mind is saying no way body, start burning stored fat.  They are in a standoff right now. body is making me hungry and giving me cravings to try to get me to eat.  As long as I don't give in, body will have NO CHOICE but to start going to my stored fat for fuel.  This should start happening soon.

Here are some pictures from the last week.  Trying to keep up with the pic of me every day.

Whole 30 - Day 8 Let week 2 begin

First thing to mention, part of the whole 30 is that you are not supposed to step on the scale during the 30 days.  I have stepped on the scale 3 times this week.  It's hard to believe that is what is giving me the most problem, but it's the truth.   Going to put it away tonight and NOT touch it for the remainder of the month.  BUT I am down 5.6lb in my first week. 

Part of the problem for me is that I feel like I am eating huge amounts of food.  I am trying to reverse the years of following diets (I think I was 11 the first time my Mom took me to a diet class similar to weight watchers). Low fat this, whole wheat that, sweetener, soy,  juice fast, opti-fucking-fast.  Especially in the last 6 years I have become fucking crazy following every recommended diet that anyone threw at me,  one after another.  The sad thing is I have known for a long time that I wanted to eat clean.  But I always said I need to lose x amount of weight first - doing the same old stupid diets I always did (note: not dissing any plan that anyone else is on, they just have never worked for me and my challenges)

I have long suffered with IBS-D (irritable bowl syndrome).  I have to rush to the bathroom - a lot.  Oh and the D stands for diarrhea. Enough said.  Most of the stuff that I have been told to eat over most of my life is stuff that was bad for my IBS.  I just never really knew what foods, other than carbonated drinks(pop) which I cut out many years ago.  I finally got an official diagnosis of IBS last year and since then have done lots of research.  I found the Low FODMAP way of eating which adivses of may of the foods that CAN cause IBS symptoms.  So I started to follow some of those and make a few changes.

Now this Whole 30 plan actually gives a food list that also follows the FODMAP diet, which just is thrilling to me.  At the end of the 30 days I am hoping my insides have healed and I can then start slowly adding some foods back into my diet to make sure my body can tolerate them.  I am excited about finally being able to eat clean, and eat low FODMAP, and eat healthy.  At this time in my life, the weigh loss is secondary to my health....

If I could just put the damn scale away....

Whole 30- Day 7 - Let the meal prep begin

So last night was my first challenge.  BINGO.  I haven't been for about 10 years and have gone twice in the last few
weeks.... my normal routine in the past , and last week was to have nacho's and cheese at the bingo hall.  on the drive to the hall, my niece mentioned she couldn't wait to have nachos and cheese!  Grrrrr.   She had those, and then about 10 minutes later the people across from me, came back to the table with the most delish looking burgers and sweet potato fries..... and then to top it off, the woman sitting next to me called someone who dropped off McDonalds for her.  WTF!!!  The good news is, I really wasn't tempted by it all.  I sipped on my black coffee and concentrated on my cards.... I left $70 bucks poorer, but richer in the knowledge that I can do this.

Today is food prep day.  I have a pork shoulder in the crockpot with a little liquid smoke to make some Kalua pig.  Yum.  Also on the menu is Pork Egg roll bowls; roasted butternut squash soup; sloppy joe bowls, roasted Brussel sprouts, white potatoes, sweet potatoes.... and an avocado tomato cucumber salad.  Oh and for breakfast I think it will be boiled eggs with fruit (strawberries, blueberries bananas).  Does this not sound amazing.  I know that prep work is the key, though, so I need to make a move. 

Hey and I just found out Melissa Hartweg, who is the co-founder of the Whole 30 program is going to be at a book signing this week close to me, so I have ordered tickets to go and hear her speak and pick up her cookbook.  Should be something that totally motivates me to keep going for the 30 days.

Pick of the day: makeup free, hair a mess, bags and dark circles under the eyes almost gone.  Not bad for a 50 year old.... lol   loving the changes I am seeing and feeling.

Whole 30 - day 6

Still plugging along.... worked out today and was off the hook, although I was a little be tired.  Less pain in my body every day.  So awesome. 

Ate dates today, which are allowed, and OMG did they taste sweet.   Just crazy..  I need to stay away from them though because I could easily devour a huge bag.... not good at all.

heading out with my niece for a game of bingo. Here are my pics from yesterday (fell asleep at 8 - makeup and all) and tonight..  my face is changing.... less bags under my eyes maybe....

Whole 30 - Day 4

Not too much change from yesterday, although, the inflammation in my joints is definitely better.  So awesome!  Here is my amazing dinner tonight, and my silly "pic a day" (lol, tonight I didn't give a rats ass what I looked like... hair is a mess and I'm wearing a ratty old t-shirt... focusing all my energy on staying compliant for the next 26 days :)  ).  I also stepped on the scale this morning... Down three pounds... no more peeking. Not going to focus on the scale.

Whole 30 - day 3

Well last night was brutal. By 8 p.m. I could barely keep my eyes open..  Crawled into bed and slept through until about 5 a.m this morning.  I noticed that I jumped out of bed easily and with no pain.  Normally my hip, back, legs, and feet, ache when I get up in the morning, but today I felt great.  Not sure if this is from removing carbs, or it was just a fluke today, but I'll take it.

Was definitely feeling cranky today.  Had a huge blowout with one of the lawyers I work with.  (a blow out for me = a difference of opinion, and my sending to the point emails).  But one thing that struck me is that I am feeling anxiety symptoms.  I was off on stress leave last year and did not know the signs, but now I do.  I am a stress eater and I have been relieving that stress with food.  Now that I cannot turn to food, I wonder if that is why I am having symptoms.  My face became flushed, hot sweats (which may actually be menopause).  Need to really pay attention to this, it could be that I need to find other ways to cope so that the stress doesn't manifest itself physically.

Anyway, I am eating well, trying new recipes (made homemade ranch dip, mayo, and almond butter - yup I am turning into Martha freaking Stewart.... lol

I started taking daily selfies as a way to document the good, days, the bad days and the horrific days.  lol so I will post them on this blog so I can look back on them.

Hardest parts so far:  No milk in my coffee,  trying to get over the old way of thinking... healthy fat is not bad.  You need to eat larger meals to make sure you don't snack.  You only eat 3 meals a day.

Here are yesterday, and todays photos

Whole 30- Day 2

So much to say, yet I am absolutely exhausted.  Day 2 is in the books.  Not a morsel of sugar, flour, legumes, alcohol in nearly 48 hours.  not sure if this is the cause of my exhaustion, or perhaps my 6:00 a.m workout, or even just being back at work and staring at a computer screen all day.  I have a hunch it's a combination of all three.

Going good so far. Although I am low on prepared food, and too tire to cook tonight (for meals tomorrow) 

Going to give in to the tiredness and go to be soon.  more thoughts to come in the coming days,

whole 30- start

Again- 291  

Starting the whole 30 today, to try and teach myself how to eat.  

For the 30 days: no carbs (other than from veg), no dairy, no legumes and no alcohol. 

At the end of the day, I will slowly re-introduce the above food groups and see how my body reacts.  That's the plan.  After its complete, my hope is to follow a primarily Paleo diet. THIS is how I have wanted to eat for years, but have gotten caught up in one crazy diet after another.    Weight loss will be slow but I am not going to focus on that (in fact, I weighed in today and put my scale away for 1 month)  I will focus on eating real food, nourishing my body, and getting active. 

This is very new for me and very scary, since it goes against almost everything I've done for the last 40 years.  But the last 40 years has gotten me to 300lbs, so I guess this can't be any worse....

Hang on tight, here we go....

Time to fight

Two months since my last post. No longer taking the optifast shakes (totally didn't work with my IBS), I've still been working on myself though.  I went to California last month and just cleared my mind and rejuvenated my spirit. 

So as I mentioned in a previous post, my trainer from the gym was AWAL.  This is still the case.  I had a really hard time dealing with this, mostly because of our friendship.  I thought we had become very close friends.  I have spilled my guts to him and he has always been so supportive and helpful and on some level I am angry that he didn't value my friendship enough to lean on me when times got tough for him.  I sent him a note telling him that I won't keep bugging him (he has never responded to my texts), but rather that I am always here for him if/when he was ready to reach out, and I wished him happiness in his life.  I feel in my heart that I will hear from him again, but for the interim I needed to just close that chapter for the time being.

I also realized that I miss boxing, I wasn't sure why, but I know not fighting made me sad. So I went back to the gym and started working out with the only other trainer that does boxing.  He was more nervous than I because he is just learning how to teach boxing.  We are actually teaching each other but he is super nice and super helpful and it is working out well.

Which is what brought my to my blog today- I had such a strong realization a few days again, that hit me like a ton of  bricks.  It was like I had a big moment of clarity.... and then just like that it was gone.  Fuck. I couldn't remember it for the life of me.... and I tried to remember for 2 days.  Today it came back to me. 

I have never learned to fight in my life.  I come from a family that does not fight.  I've never fought for a job, never fought for a guy, never fought for my health.  My sisters and I would not say shit if our mouth was full of it.  It's how we were raised.  I feel like I walk around and just accept everything that is thrown at me, like its my motherfucking destiny. What has come along with that is low self esteem and no confidence at all in my ability.  Perhaps that is what is holding me back in my weight loss?  I really do not expect big things out of myself.  I've always accepted being mediocre.  Mediocre job, mediocre life, mediocre body. 

When I'm fighting is the only time I truly feel superior.  I have been reading about the warrior attitude and have been really trying to find my inner warrior.  This morning I walked into my boxing session with an absolute different mindset.  Like I was a muthafucking champion boxing and who nobody can touch.  I blew the workout out of the water.  My form was on point, my punches were crazy hard and I was quick.  I was 110% focused and confident and it felt amazing.  I boxed for 1.5 hours but could have easily done 3 hours at the same intensity.

I know that I need to find a way to bring that same attitude to my food.  Focus on what I want long term, not what I want right now.  Expect more out of myself.  Be a fucking warrior and do what is necessary. 

One thing I do know, I will not stop fighting. I will never give up on myself.

At the end of my session, my trainer was blown away with how awesome this session was, and I asked if he wanted to be in my corner when I fight.  It just slipped out.  Holy fuck.  Do I have a fight set up- no.  But that truly is what I want to do.  but I gotta be 100 lbs lighter than I am,

WARRIOR MODE

pass/fail

Monday I had my 4 shakes, 2 cups of water and a big bag of Cheetos.

Feelings:  worried about a call from the gym manager about my personal training situation.  My trainer has been off for over two months now and I don't think he's coming back.  VERY worried about his welfare, my future, and a big fight over getting my personal training money back (I don't want to train with anyone else)

Feelings:  sad about current dating situation.  Tired of always being an option instead of a priority.

Rating for the day:  FAIL


Today will be a better day, I can feel it.

Let's set some goals

for the short term.  As I mentioned in my previous post I am going on vacation in October.  I leave 5 weeks from today.  I really want to be back into my old size 16 clothes before I leave.  I would say I will need to lose approximately 15 to 20 pounds this month in order to get there, so I am going to make 20 pounds my goal. 

To get there I will need to stick to my plan 100% and get lots of gym time in, and of course drink tons of water. 

I know I have a family dinner party on October 1, and a dinner planned with a friend mid October.  My plan is to keep those days a meet and veg days.  

Aaaaaaaaand, go.......

A positive spin on things

Still here, still fighting...... Going to try something completely different today (for me anyway) and do a 1 month update, and focus only on what I did right. 

- did not give up
- remained on program for 50% of the last 30 days
- booked an amazing trip for next month (experience of a lifetime)
- continued to research clean eating and binge eating
- looking for ways to ensure I stay on track for another month
- Remaining positive
- lost 15 pounds for the month
-% of weight lost 5.17 (goal 44.83%)

(note:  all I can think of right now is negative thoughts and my brain is flooded with all the things that I did wrong, but I will push those thoughts from my head and soldier on)

End of month 1 - total lost 15 lbs
Start weight - 290
current weight 275

STruggling

Had a very busy weekend, and I absolutely struggled with my food choices.  Didn't succomb to fast food, but I did have a couple of drinks and food at a house party sunday, and yesterday I had food at a BBQ and also had popcorn and ice cream.  Just feel the need to come clean with my struggle.

Today, I am up to 281.6.  Just going to jump right back on the wagon today and see what happens.  I have a weighin on Thursday afternoon.

This weeks goals
- get back to the gym
-get back on track food wise
-water, water, water
-get back to reading/practicing cognitive therapy book/binge eating book.
- make sure to read card listing reasons I want to lose weight OFTEN\

Chugging along

Scale finally dipped under 280 this morning.  Scale read 279.4.  My weight yesterday was 280.2 so I missed my end of September goal to lose 12 lbs by 2.2lbs.  Not upset about this though.  I am absolutely thrilled that I managed to stay on this plan for 2.5 weeks

When I started, I didn't think I was capable of staying on this program for 4.5 days, let alone 4.5 months.  Now I know I can do this...... I am 4 months away to the life I have struggled to get to for the last 30 years. 

My motivation for the next 6 weeks is the possibility of a plane trip.   My last trip I weighed 290lbs and it was the most uncomfortable 4 hours of my life.  I should be around 250 next trip, and 180 for my cruise at the end of Feb.....

Monday Morning

Well I stepped on the scale this morning to see a 2.6lb gain.  Combination of starting my period and the carbs I ate yesterday.  Expect this to be gone in a few days, so I'm not worried. 

This week, my goal is to get some  cardio in at gym.  Nothing crazy. Just some elliptical and walking on the treadmill.  Just really need to get back in the habit of going to the gym, so this week its less about what I do there, and more about just getting my ass there! 

I'm now finished the first two modules in my Clean Eating Chefs course.  I've learned all about how to chop veggies, all about eggs, rice, potatoes, and gotten many good "clean" recipes.  I have made the ratatouille and eat a cup of it a day (part of my optifast program).  This next chapter really starts to deal with the benefits of eating clean, all about good bad and misunderstood fats, fueling your body, and a few other things as well.  Part of this whole process for me is not only losing this weight but changing my eating habits. I am hoping that when I return to food in 4 months, my tastebuds will have changed, my cravings will be mostly gone, and I will have learned new techniques for dealing with stress, instead of medicating with food. 

On to a new week........

Reality Check

Doing well at one meal does not make thee a fixed overeater!  Fail at breakfast this morning. 

What I ate:
3 over easy eggs
1 cup of hashbrowns with ketchup
2 slices of extra crispy bacon
2 slices of white bread with a little butter

What I skipper:
Not a fucking thing

Not going to freak myself out.  more work to be done, and I already knew that.  But there are some lessons to be learned from this. 

It's all part of the process. 


Note:  Ihave not read my reasons I want to lose weight cards for 2 days.   hmmmmmm

Food test #1 - The aftermath

S.U.C.E.S.S

Woot woot.  Now it wasn't a 100% perfect, but I am very proud that I was successful. 


So when I arrived I grabbed a glass of wine.  It was a small glass, and was about 1/2 full.  Dinner was a buffet  here's what I took:

- peppers from the veggie tray.  no dip
- mixed veg - broccoli and 2 small carrots
- 2 oz chicken breast
- breaded veal cutlet - 1/2 small piece

What I skipped over

- potato, macaroni salad, and cole slaw
- Caesar salad
- dip for the veggies
- bread
- potatoes,
- cannelloni
- meat lasagna

I also had two very small servings of wind ( probably 1 glass in total for the night)

I feel great and this morning I was down 1/2 lb on the scale. 280 even!

Another test this morning.  My family is meeting at a brunch place to have breakfast with my Brother In Law to celebrate his 40th.  I am going to stick to coffee this morning. 

Next planned meal will be in about 3 or 4 weeks when I head down to Buffalo for a couple of days of shopping and dinner at a Brazilian Steakhouse.

weigh in and update

almost 2 weeks in and still going strong.  I had my Dr. appointment on Wednesday, and he seemed pleased with my 8 lb loss.  He reviewed all of my blood work and my ECG and I all my number show that I am perfectly healthy.  I'm sure that they could be better, but there is no concerns.  I will have to redo the test as I go through this process. 

Last night was the first time I have struggled.  Went to bed feeling hungry and literally was awake for 2 hours because my stomach was rumbling.  Finally go t up and made myself a shake and was fast asleep within 10 mins.  I guess I will still have days like this. 

Today is my first challenge.  heading to a backyard wedding celebration for my cousin.  It is being catered.  The invitation says please just bring your appetite and join us for cocktails and food.  My goal is to make it through and remain on track.  1 glass of wine, no carbs and approx. 3 oz meat and veg.  

this morning my scale says 280.6.  I sooooo badly want to see that 8 change to a 7, so I will keep that in mind, and will read my "why I want to lose weight" card a few times before I go- and even there if I need to. 

Going to try and make up another card with some tips to make sure I don't over eat.  Things I can do.

A Place to start - Official START photos

5 ft 6 290 pounds