A look back and a look forward

So over the last few days, I have come to realize that it has been almost 7 years since I started to put a plan in motion and really change my life.  I called my blog Journey to find the real me, because I didn't think I was living the life I was meant to live, in fact I wasn't living, I was hiding myself away and slowly killing myself with food and cigarettes.  This became my favourite quote....    "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anais Nin  it really summed up how I felt.

You see I knew I had pretty much giving up on myself, but I knew I wanted to finally step outside of that dark place I had been hiding in for so many years, push myself to do the things that I needed to do to change my life but had been too afraid to try to do all these years.  One last final push to build the life that I so desperately wanted but had be too scared of failure to go for it.  I decided to make what I called a life chart, because the route from the life I was living to the life that I wanted was just too long, and there were many things that would need to fall into place to get me there.  I have no idea if this is something that people do, I didn't google "tools for changing your life"  I just knew how I thought I wanted my life to be (ie in a loving relationship, with someone who is active, leading a healthy life style,  where weight is a non issue in my life), and then I charted backwards to make a graph of the changes I needed to make to my life to get to that goal. So for example, one part of it would read I want to be active and participate in triathlons.  In in order to do that, I need to get fit, and in order to get fit, I need to start working out, but in order to start working out I needed to quit smoking, and in order to do that I needed get hypnotized.  So that was my starting point, do hypnosis to quit smoking. (I am smoke free for almost 8 years now by the way)

So that's what I did.  I must say it has been a struggle and I'm not at the ultimate goal but I can say that I am a completely different person than I was 7 years ago.  Unfortunately I am still at the same weight that I started at.  A break up last August with the man I thought was going to be my life partner, caused a relapse which resulted in a 40lb weight gain in 6 months, but there are still so many positive things that have changed.

1. fitness:  this is the big one.  I went from being a couch potato who loved watching sports to an athlete.  It took a long time for me to be able to call myself an athlete, because I don't look like one.  I have been working with a personal trainer for the past 7 years, and I credit him for much of the success in my life.  He turned me into an athlete, he makes me laugh, he makes me cry, but most of all he made me believe in myself and believe that I am an athlete.  Since training with him, I have done a 5k, climbed the CN Tower in Toronto, Done a try a tri, which is a mini triathlon.  I've learned that I can leg press 780lbs and I can bench press 180lbs - I am strong dammit.  The biggest thing that he has given me- is my love for boxing.  He does muay thai, so he incorporated some kickboxing into my routine, and it has slowly morphed into boxing..... and in the last few months I have started sparring with a training partner, and my goal is to have a real fight later this year.  Going forward there will be tons of posts about boxing since it is a huge part of my life now.

2.  Confidence:  my confidence level has changed 100%.  I used to (pretend) to be quiet, reserved, basically tried to hide in the background type person, except when I was with my friends.  I have learned that it was all about judgment.  I was so afraid of being judged, made fun of, made to feel that I was less than everybody else because I was over weight, so I tried to hide so as not to be noticed.  I have learned that I am just as good as everyone else.  I'm still working on it, but I am definitely getting better.  This has translated to me being put into a management position at work, where I am learning to become a leader.  Speaking in front of a group has been something that terrified me, but I have been pushing myself to do this on a daily basis.  Not there yet, but moving towards this.

3.  Relationships:  this is definitely a work in progress.  I spend much of the last 7 years with the same person.  I really didn't date for many years (to be perfectly honest from my mid 20's to my late 30's), and other than a few relationships in my early 20's I didn't date AT ALL.  It's funny because I never even tried to let a guy know that I was interested, I had completely given up and just assumed that no man would be interested in me.  I think when I met S, I was so appreciative of  his interest in me that I just latched onto him and allowed him to hurt me over and over again during the time we dated.  The funny thing is, he is the one who made me feel beautiful, and sexy and all the things I never felt about myself, yet he is also the one who made me feel not good enough.  Not up to his standard etc.  It was complicated, there was both good and bad, but I have finally moved on, dusted myself off and am trying to get out there and date a bit more.  I still find it scary, but I can say it's getting easier to put myself out there, I am just being very choosy, and not putting too much focus on it.  The good news is I have made some good solid guy friends in the last little while, but still looking for "the one"

4.  Weight loss:  This is the one area that I feel like I have failed.  I feel like I have tried every crazy assed diet out there and have had some short term success but I keep moving back up to my starting weight.  I need to start focusing on my diet. I know that diet is key for losing weight and I need to figure this part of my journey out. I will start with posting more regularly on My Fitness Pal.  More to come on this. 

I guess to summarize, I feel like the last 7 years have been a success. Am I where I want to be, absolutely not, but I can honestly say that I am getting closer to living the type of life that I want to live, and I no longer feel like it is a pipe dream, I know I will get there.  Probably the best thing is the fact that I am enjoying my life now