Juice fast (haha) Day 2 weighin 274.8
I say haha, because I found myself at subway buying a 12 inch sub last night. I wasn't even that hungry. I am so very angry and disappointed in myself. Trying to get back on track today, thankfully, I still saw a loss on the scale, but I think yesterday was a bit of a turning point for me.
Last night I was boxing, and I had a complete meltdown. My boxing partner gave me a direct (and in my opinion) dirty punch to my face last night and I totally lost it because my trainer kept telling me it was clean. I ended up throwing my gloves off and leaving..... as much as he tried to calm me down and talk to me, I didn't want to listen.
In the end I know that I was mad because I failed.... I am getting beat by a woman who has been boxing for a few months. I should be running circles around her. The biggest thing is I see the confidence in her, and I know I have lost all of my confidence. I am too fat to be boxing Before we started we were chatting with another of my trainers clients. They were talking about their goals and how much body fat they have lost. I after 6 years have lost none. I am a failure, and I don't know how to turn it around, so I have decided to do what I always do when the going gets tough. I am going to quit. Today I plan on telling my trainer that I need to take a few months off from my personal training. I will focus on juicing, and losing weight. I will continue to do light cardio during this period but my main focus will be weight loss. Hopefully I can get myself into a better frame of mind and be ready to get back to the training.
Of course I have to run this all by my trainer, who has become such a good friend, and a huge positive influence on my life.... I'm sure he will not think it's a good idea and I am nervous to tell him of my plan, and embarrassed to confront him and tell him the real reason I was mad last night.
To be continued......
Update: My already stressful day has just gone off the chart.... called into a meeting this morning to learn one of the lawyers I work for is going to be off work indefinitely - 1 day before a HUGE change comes into effect, which means I will be responsible for it. Was interrupted in said meeting to be told that a colleague died of a massive heart attack last night. Such a nice man and a great loss.... group meeting where the lawyer for this group (there are two of them) completely ignored my help in a recent big problem file, then later in the day called my boss in to complain about things I need to improve on (he gossips constantly about everyone), final two straws were the third lawyer coming to me this afternoon complaining about something small that a staff member has done... he was literally shaking with rage..... and the big one....the department head making a comment about me refusing to fix his printer.... while I know he is joking (on one level) I had enough for one day and when he made a comment that I was never willing to help out I blurted out in a less than happy voice "yep that's me" It's all I could say, because I was on the verge of tears. I feel like I am going to have a breakdown. I just can't handle much more.
Update 2: I texted my trainer this morning telling him I would not be in for the remainder of this week and was thinking about taking a 1or 2 month break from training. I still have not heard back from him... I know he is upset/discouraged because he really has done everything he could to help me..... sigh At least I have stayed on my eating plan today. On my drive home tonight I drank a juice and although my body wasn't hungry, my mind was telling me I am. Huge craving for carbs and I finally talked myself into stopping to pick up some bread and eggs.... how bad can that be right, egg on toast.... I pulled up in front of the store, and literally fought with myself in my head for a moment before pulling back out of the plaza and coming home, empty handed. Small victory.
1 comment:
Whew. That is a lot of shit at work. We spend a 1/3 of our days there so it really does impact our entire lives. IMHO, you have to take care of you. No one else is going to put your career ahead of theirs. I think your idea to take a couple of weeks off to decompress and start looking for new opportunities is a good one.
And, you aren't failing. Yes, your weight isn't where you want it but just think of all the things you've done health wise. You quit smoking. You are smaller at that weight than you were before. You ride bikes. You box. You ziplined. You are awesome!
Take a break from the training. That's what you need and I know you are close to BJ but again, this is about you not him.
Maybe you need to focus on another type of activity for the spring and summer. You don't want to end up hating and resenting boxing & your trainer because it has brought you so much joy.
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