This is me. All 270lbs of me, all 48 years of me..... grinding it out in the gym. Ever since I was a little kid I've wanted to box. My neighbor had a pair of boxing gloves, but he was the only boy on the street so he never had anyone to box with. My Dad, when he got fed up of listening to me and my sister fight, would threaten to buy us each a pair of boxing gloves and put us in the middle of the street to pound on each other until one of us was no longer standing. Oh how I wished that he would stop waving that carrot in front of me and buy the darn boxing gloves.
I realize now that most of my life I was told I couldn't do things. I couldn't play organized hockey because it was for boys, I couldn't do a walk a thon that my sister and her friends were doing, because it would be too strenuous. Looking back now, I know that the real reason I couldn't play hockey was because my parents couldn't afford it, and my Mom constantly tried to shield me from the pain of life so she often told me I couldn't do things. In her way I think by keeping me from doing things she thought she was protecting me from the big bad world, but for me it was a crushing blow to my self esteem.
I have seen this follow me on my journey to health.... every fitness challenge I have done has been a struggle because I constantly have that internal dialog in my head saying you CAN'T. When I did my try a tri, I literally gave up 5 minutes into the swim. Defeated, I was bobbing up and down in the water waiting for an official to come and take me out of the race. When I decided to climb to the top of the CN Tower in Toronto, which is 144 floors high, and 1, 700+ steps, I got to floor 20 and I remember looking up and seeing the winding staircase going on forever. I was bent over, hyper ventilating, and in tears and saying to my friend, I can't do this, I can't do this, I just can't.
The happy ending in both of these stories is that I was able to find a way around my fear.... NO, actually I was able to push THROUGH my fear and come out the other side. With the Tri, I thought about my family and friends who were standing on the shore in the rain, at 8:00 am on a Sunday morning, I thought about my trainer, who has told me time and again that my body is capable of doing this distance, and I thought about me who has let the word can't hold me back for far too many years. With the stair climb, I took a few deep breaths to calm myself down, and I thought to myself, I really don't know if I am able to climb the remaining 124 floor, but what I do know is I am able to climb 10 floors, I just did that two times.... so I concentrated on climbing 10 floors - 12 and a half times. I eventually finished both the tri and the stair climb. I didn't set any records, in fact as I was finishing up the 2.5 k run to complete my tri, I passed a constant stream of participants walking back to their car. The race was over, the awards were given out and everyone was going home. BUT I FINISHED. I also climbed to the top of the tower which has now become my beacon of hope. You can pretty much see the top of the CN tower from most points around the Toronto area, and I find myself quite often looking for it when my confidence needs a boost. You see the dialogue in my head has changed from "I can't" to "If you can climb the CN Tower, your damn right you can do this" (whatever "this" may be).
So back to boxing, I feel like that fear has taken hold of my quest to fight. I started boxing as a way to get fit and healthy, but along the way I decided that I really need a goal, and that goal is to actually step in the ring and have a real fight... just once, so that all of the people who have helped me on this journey can come together and see the final result of all of the hard work I have put into this. I also know that in order to a) get good enough to be able to fight and b) be able to find a suitable opponent, I need to lose at lease 80 lbs. I believe that the fact that I have gained weight and cannot seem to get on track with my eating is my heads way of saying "I can't" because as long as I'm this size I won't have to go through with this.
I need to find a way to push through the fear, and I think I will start by finding a spot today where I have a good view of the CN TOWER!
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