Defining Moment

So Monday I had my first hypnotherapy session since just before Christmas. If you read my previous post, I was a bit disturbed by the fact that that session really became "therapy" to me. I've always thought of it as new thoughts being put into my head to replace the old negative thoughts, but that session upset me, but it also made me realize that I do need therapy, I truly believe low self esteem and lack of confidence may be the missing piece of the puzzle, I have attempted weight loss so many times and have been successful for a while, but then always fall of the wagon.

So prior to this session, and since this session I have come to realize a few things, firstly, ever since I was a young child people have always commented on my weight. I was always the fat kid, "look at the size of those legs" my uncles used to jokingly say as they squeezed my chubby thighs when I was a child. "ohhhhh let me pinch those chubby cheeks" they would say. Joke presents bought for a group of young adults, mine was an elephant hand puppet! In fact so many of the memories I have of growing up are about me being fat. I have learned to identify myself as the fat girl, because that is how I think others perceive me. I was never the pretty one, or the smart one, or the athletic one, even though I excelled in sports, I was always the fat one. As I got older, I began to think of myself in this way, my fatness superseded any other label I had for myself. Yes, i had great eyes and hair, but it didn't matter because I was fat. Yes, I could run faster than half of my class in middle school, but nobody noticed because I was fat. Yes I was smart, but big deal, didn't matter because I was fat.

I think the saddest thing is that somewhere along the way, I just gave up - why, because being fat became my identity. The one thing that I am sure of about who I am is that I'm fat, I know what to expect (or what not to expect) out of life, and although I have done some adventurous things, mainly travels, I still approached them in a conservative way, because of my weight. MY FAT IS WHAT DEFINED ME!

Now, in my session, as I divulged all of this I was bawling my eyes out. Crying for the little girl who wore a sweatshirt in the middle of summer so she didn't have to show that her baseball team shirt was about 3 sizes too small. Crying for the teen who went to one school dance with the anticipation of having at least 1 boy ask her to dance, and then having no one even glace in her direction, crying for the girl who at 13 sat in a circle with about 20 other kids at a weekend getaway, and opened her joke Christmas gift up in front of everyone only to find that damn elephant hand puppet. I remember the two boys who bought it for me where directly across from me and they broke out in hysterical laughter, while most of the other kids pretended that they did not know what it meant. I sat there in utter silence staring at the floor wanting so badly to cry and I felt myself change at that moment, become withdrawn, quiet, a big thick protective wall began building up around me and I decided that I would never let anyone in, and that way I would never have to feel that way again. To his credit the boy apologized to me the next day. (he was a lot older, about 18, captain of the high school football team). he told me it was just a joke and he was really sorry. I couldn't even look at him or answer him I just stared out of the car window. And to this day I will not partake in joke gift giving, I just can't for fear of being embarrassed again. I have heard that people have pivotal moments that shape their lives, well that is definitely a pivotal moment for me.

So anyway, that was a long drawn out post, but I have never ever spoken about that incident, that is so weird. I came home and told my Mom that I got a funny key chain, but I lost it, and I stuffed that damn puppet in my school locker until the end of the year and then trashed it.

After my hypnotherapy session, I came home and was really thinking about the stuff that I talked about and I have devised a plan to send an email to a bunch of people I know and ask them to tell me the first word that pops into their head when i ask them to describe me. I have yet to send the email, because I am afraid that the answer from everyone will be "FAT" (o.k. I some level I know that won't happen). I tried it out on one of my friend yesterday, and her answer was sparkly. She said not only is there always a sparkle in my eyes, but there is also a sparkle in my love of life. Once I send out the email, I will write down some of the responses. My greatest hope is that I will be able to see that other people see me as soooooo many different things, not just a fat girl. Hopefully I can start believing that "fat" does not define me, that I am so much more than "fat" and maybe then it will be easier for me to let the fat go, because I will realize that by losing the fat, I am not losing who I am.

If anyone is still reading this, I say thank you. I also can say I feel so much better after writing this down. After 42 years of not knowing who I am, I think things are starting to become clear :)