Tonight as I was doing my sets, my trainer asked if I still wanted to get a tattoo. When I first started training with him I toyed with the idea of getting a tattoo when I got to my goal weight. I remember watching a video on Oprah's weight loss journey and she says at one point POWER= STRENGTH OVER TIME. To me it symbolized getting stronger both mentally and physically and getting my life back.
Anyway as the story goes, I went through a rough patch last summer and lost the strength that I gained and gained the 50lbs that I had lost.. you know how it goes!
So as we were talking I blurted out that I really wanted to get a quote tattoo "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom"
Anais Nin I was taken back a little bit because I realized I've not really spoken out loud about what the meant to me. I told him that I had spend the majority of my life hiding in a cocoon. never putting myself out there - not with work, not with going out enjoying life, no dancing, no dating, no boyfriends, no falling in love, and not really living my life for fear of failure/of being hurt/ of being shamed and of being judged. When I finally started this journey it was this quote that pushed me. I got to a point in my life that it was so lonely, so sad, so damn predictable living in that bud and I finally decided at 40 ish, it was time I either made peace with the life I was living, or do something about changing it. It's funny because with all the things we have spoken about I had never told him this. I think it was because I was ashamed of the life I had been living, and I confessed to him that I probably had not told him because the sadness, shame etc I felt about it would have left me in tears. IT WAS PAINFUL.
Now I can say that in 6 years my life has changed dramatically. I am more confident in myself. I have a pretty healthy dating life I have moved up and taken on a management role at work and have generally changed my life. The risk has been so worth it so far. I now need to take one last risk, and it's a big one. I need to risk giving up this weight that I have been carrying for my entire life and step into a world that I know absolutely nothing about. A life where weight doesn't hold me down, doesn't play a role in my daily decisions, and does have any power over me.
Next year in August I will be turning 50. My goal for years has been to climb the Chilkoot Pass - a mountain pass that runs from Alaska to British Columbia - it's a route that men flocked to during the Gold Rush in search of Gold. They were chasing their dreams just like I am chasing my dreams. I have this vision of me standing on top of a mountain top on my 50th birthday, thinking about my journey and how it really does mimic climbing a mountain, in in that vision I am sporting a lovely colourful tattoo with the "And the day came..... quote with a tight bud in front of the quote, and big beautiful colourful blossom at the end of it.
The final thing I said to my trainer is "We have 15 months to get there my friend" and he just smiled and said " We will get there" with an emphasis on WE.
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