Last night was my first test- and while my first thought was that I failed miserably, I actually found a silver lining to the day.
My cousin stopped by last night to provide some financial advice to me. When he came in he handed me a pastry box. I opened it to find 4 luscious beautiful Portuguese custard tarts. Oh my!
I made a decision as we were talking that I would NOT eat them. I would take them into work tomorrow and give them away to my co workers. I said farewell to my cousin, closed the door behind him and before I knew it I was devouring not one, not two but ALL FOUR tarts.. Bam gone in minutes. I realize that flour and sugar really are my crack! The further I stay away from these things the stronger I will get.
Anyway my normal pattern would be to get down on myself, berate myself and then continue with the binge. I talked myself through it, tracked it, and realized in that 4 minutes I ate an extra 1000 calories. Yikes!
But instead of panicking, I told myself that it was done, over with, and then my rational self looked kicked in. it would take 3500 calories to gain a pound, I ate 1000. Over the next few days, I did 10 -15 extra minutes of cardio, and tried to cut back on a few calories during the day. The fact that I put a plan in place to counteract the binge, gave me a sense of calm that I haven't found in the past. Life is going to happen, and perhaps sugar and flour will not be a part of my life, except maybe on an occasional basis. If I can do exactly what I did in this scenario (except maybe NOT eat all 4 tarts at one time- lol) I will be ok - I WILL BEAT THIS!
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
Monday, April 20, 2015
A look back and a look forward
Just back from a good workout. It was arm night and I am really feeling it. I am working hard to get myself back on track - back into a routine but it's not easy.
Tonight as I was doing my sets, my trainer asked if I still wanted to get a tattoo. When I first started training with him I toyed with the idea of getting a tattoo when I got to my goal weight. I remember watching a video on Oprah's weight loss journey and she says at one point POWER= STRENGTH OVER TIME. To me it symbolized getting stronger both mentally and physically and getting my life back.
Anyway as the story goes, I went through a rough patch last summer and lost the strength that I gained and gained the 50lbs that I had lost.. you know how it goes!
So as we were talking I blurted out that I really wanted to get a quote tattoo "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom"
Anais Nin I was taken back a little bit because I realized I've not really spoken out loud about what the meant to me. I told him that I had spend the majority of my life hiding in a cocoon. never putting myself out there - not with work, not with going out enjoying life, no dancing, no dating, no boyfriends, no falling in love, and not really living my life for fear of failure/of being hurt/ of being shamed and of being judged. When I finally started this journey it was this quote that pushed me. I got to a point in my life that it was so lonely, so sad, so damn predictable living in that bud and I finally decided at 40 ish, it was time I either made peace with the life I was living, or do something about changing it. It's funny because with all the things we have spoken about I had never told him this. I think it was because I was ashamed of the life I had been living, and I confessed to him that I probably had not told him because the sadness, shame etc I felt about it would have left me in tears. IT WAS PAINFUL.
Now I can say that in 6 years my life has changed dramatically. I am more confident in myself. I have a pretty healthy dating life I have moved up and taken on a management role at work and have generally changed my life. The risk has been so worth it so far. I now need to take one last risk, and it's a big one. I need to risk giving up this weight that I have been carrying for my entire life and step into a world that I know absolutely nothing about. A life where weight doesn't hold me down, doesn't play a role in my daily decisions, and does have any power over me.
Next year in August I will be turning 50. My goal for years has been to climb the Chilkoot Pass - a mountain pass that runs from Alaska to British Columbia - it's a route that men flocked to during the Gold Rush in search of Gold. They were chasing their dreams just like I am chasing my dreams. I have this vision of me standing on top of a mountain top on my 50th birthday, thinking about my journey and how it really does mimic climbing a mountain, in in that vision I am sporting a lovely colourful tattoo with the "And the day came..... quote with a tight bud in front of the quote, and big beautiful colourful blossom at the end of it.
The final thing I said to my trainer is "We have 15 months to get there my friend" and he just smiled and said " We will get there" with an emphasis on WE.
Tonight as I was doing my sets, my trainer asked if I still wanted to get a tattoo. When I first started training with him I toyed with the idea of getting a tattoo when I got to my goal weight. I remember watching a video on Oprah's weight loss journey and she says at one point POWER= STRENGTH OVER TIME. To me it symbolized getting stronger both mentally and physically and getting my life back.
Anyway as the story goes, I went through a rough patch last summer and lost the strength that I gained and gained the 50lbs that I had lost.. you know how it goes!
So as we were talking I blurted out that I really wanted to get a quote tattoo "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom"
Anais Nin I was taken back a little bit because I realized I've not really spoken out loud about what the meant to me. I told him that I had spend the majority of my life hiding in a cocoon. never putting myself out there - not with work, not with going out enjoying life, no dancing, no dating, no boyfriends, no falling in love, and not really living my life for fear of failure/of being hurt/ of being shamed and of being judged. When I finally started this journey it was this quote that pushed me. I got to a point in my life that it was so lonely, so sad, so damn predictable living in that bud and I finally decided at 40 ish, it was time I either made peace with the life I was living, or do something about changing it. It's funny because with all the things we have spoken about I had never told him this. I think it was because I was ashamed of the life I had been living, and I confessed to him that I probably had not told him because the sadness, shame etc I felt about it would have left me in tears. IT WAS PAINFUL.
Now I can say that in 6 years my life has changed dramatically. I am more confident in myself. I have a pretty healthy dating life I have moved up and taken on a management role at work and have generally changed my life. The risk has been so worth it so far. I now need to take one last risk, and it's a big one. I need to risk giving up this weight that I have been carrying for my entire life and step into a world that I know absolutely nothing about. A life where weight doesn't hold me down, doesn't play a role in my daily decisions, and does have any power over me.
Next year in August I will be turning 50. My goal for years has been to climb the Chilkoot Pass - a mountain pass that runs from Alaska to British Columbia - it's a route that men flocked to during the Gold Rush in search of Gold. They were chasing their dreams just like I am chasing my dreams. I have this vision of me standing on top of a mountain top on my 50th birthday, thinking about my journey and how it really does mimic climbing a mountain, in in that vision I am sporting a lovely colourful tattoo with the "And the day came..... quote with a tight bud in front of the quote, and big beautiful colourful blossom at the end of it.
The final thing I said to my trainer is "We have 15 months to get there my friend" and he just smiled and said " We will get there" with an emphasis on WE.
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Recipe- Rice and beans and veg
I basically mixed together three separate parts of my dinner and it makes a fantastic dish. I need to get it down in writing so I don't forget it.
1 cup wild/long grain rice cooked according to directions
1 can black beans, rinsed
1/2 small onion,
1/2 cup chicken broth
1/4 cup (or to taste) of soy sauce
6 cups baby bok choy
2 zucchini's (I did a spiral shred of mine)
1 large carrot (I did a spiral shred of mine)
1/2 small onion chopped
1/2 green pepper chopped
3 TBS olive oil
black pepper and salt to taste
1. Mix together the rice with the can of black beans
2. Steam the bok choy in chicken broth mixed together with the soy sauce
3 In a separate pan cook the green pepper and onion garlic in 1 TBS olive oil until al dente. Add in the zucchini and carrot and continue to cook until slightly softened. (I needed to add 2 TBS of olive oil to keep it from sticking but you could probably use some chicken broth as well)
4. Mix the zucchini/carrot mixture into the rice mixture and plate. Add some of the bok choy to the rice making sure you drizzle some of the juice (soy/broth) on the rice.
I will add a picture tomorrow I ate it too fast tonight to stop to take a picture (It was that good)
1 cup wild/long grain rice cooked according to directions
1 can black beans, rinsed
1/2 small onion,
1/2 cup chicken broth
1/4 cup (or to taste) of soy sauce
6 cups baby bok choy
2 zucchini's (I did a spiral shred of mine)
1 large carrot (I did a spiral shred of mine)
1/2 small onion chopped
1/2 green pepper chopped
3 TBS olive oil
black pepper and salt to taste
1. Mix together the rice with the can of black beans
2. Steam the bok choy in chicken broth mixed together with the soy sauce
3 In a separate pan cook the green pepper and onion garlic in 1 TBS olive oil until al dente. Add in the zucchini and carrot and continue to cook until slightly softened. (I needed to add 2 TBS of olive oil to keep it from sticking but you could probably use some chicken broth as well)
4. Mix the zucchini/carrot mixture into the rice mixture and plate. Add some of the bok choy to the rice making sure you drizzle some of the juice (soy/broth) on the rice.
I will add a picture tomorrow I ate it too fast tonight to stop to take a picture (It was that good)
Fighting the Demon
Weekend have long been my biggest challenge. Without the structure of my work week, I have fallen off the wagon many of times on the weekend. Weekend binging has long been my demon.
Coming into my first weekend on program, I was a little nervous but all in all it has turned into a pretty decent weekend. Was I 100 % on my eating plan - no, but while I made a split second decision to open a package of crackers and pull a pound of butter out of the freezer and throw some into the microwave to make it spreadable..... for me the take away (and by take away I don't mean a large burger and fries to go lol) is the fact that I was able to stop BEFORE the entire package was gone. This reinforces the fact that for now I need to clear my home of anything that will stop me from getting back on track. I also need to continue with not having access to my credit card and bank card.
Something that really struck me was when I went grocery shopping on Friday with a 60.00 cash budget. I realized that for the first time in my life, I was actually looking at the price of food! In the past I have simply filled my cart with whatever I wanted and not paid any mind to what it was, or how much it cost. Being on a limited budget made me re-think what I needed. Big wake up call for me.
Anyway, after yesterday's minor slip (which is forgotten as of now), today has been a great day so far. Another big salad for lunch with 1 boiled egg ( I am loving this salad - never been a salad eater), and I started to prep some veggies for todays dinner.
Last year I picked up a spiral veggie slicer, and pulled it out, and dusted it off today. I made a bowl of zucchini and carrot "noodles" for todays dinner and will cook them up with some green pepper, onion, and a bit of olive oil and garlic. YUM, can't wait.
My goal is to make it to the gym later today, to get in some cardio. Perhaps I will go and watch the Jays game while I work out.
I am trying (again) to make salad in a Jar. so hopefully my veggies will stay fresh for Monday,, Tuesday, and Wednesday's lunches
Here are some food prep pictures from today:
Coming into my first weekend on program, I was a little nervous but all in all it has turned into a pretty decent weekend. Was I 100 % on my eating plan - no, but while I made a split second decision to open a package of crackers and pull a pound of butter out of the freezer and throw some into the microwave to make it spreadable..... for me the take away (and by take away I don't mean a large burger and fries to go lol) is the fact that I was able to stop BEFORE the entire package was gone. This reinforces the fact that for now I need to clear my home of anything that will stop me from getting back on track. I also need to continue with not having access to my credit card and bank card.
Something that really struck me was when I went grocery shopping on Friday with a 60.00 cash budget. I realized that for the first time in my life, I was actually looking at the price of food! In the past I have simply filled my cart with whatever I wanted and not paid any mind to what it was, or how much it cost. Being on a limited budget made me re-think what I needed. Big wake up call for me.
Anyway, after yesterday's minor slip (which is forgotten as of now), today has been a great day so far. Another big salad for lunch with 1 boiled egg ( I am loving this salad - never been a salad eater), and I started to prep some veggies for todays dinner.
Last year I picked up a spiral veggie slicer, and pulled it out, and dusted it off today. I made a bowl of zucchini and carrot "noodles" for todays dinner and will cook them up with some green pepper, onion, and a bit of olive oil and garlic. YUM, can't wait.
My goal is to make it to the gym later today, to get in some cardio. Perhaps I will go and watch the Jays game while I work out.
I am trying (again) to make salad in a Jar. so hopefully my veggies will stay fresh for Monday,, Tuesday, and Wednesday's lunches
Here are some food prep pictures from today:
Saturday, April 18, 2015
Falling into place
Weigh in this morning: 275.6
HaHa , old habits die hard eh. I have been sticking to my new eating plan but have not been able to keep to my no weigh in mandate..... In all honesty seeing the scale come down is a big boost to my morale so for the first week I will allow myself scale updates. Speaking of the scale, it is dropping nicely. 8lbs since Tuesday and I KNOW most of this is water weight, mainly because my ankles have been swollen and uncomfortable for weeks and after getting in a good amount of water yesterday I see that they are looking more normal this morning.
Got in a great workout last night. I asked my trainer if I we could box and although he is concerned about my knee injury, he allowed me to hit the bag and get in some hand pad work. Felt great to have the gloves back on.
Food is going good, the funny thing is I am not finding it difficult at all. I am keeping in mind that I started on a Tuesday and generally week days are easier for me to keep on track. The weekend will be my test. But I am feeling strong and confident that here is no craving strong enough to make me cave. (that is my super hero persona talking !!!)
Update:
lunch today was a lovely green salad with lots of veggies and two eggs sliced on top, with an oil and vinegar dressing.
Dinner is another green salad, just lettuce and oil/vinegar salad, 1/2 cup each wild/long grain rice and black beans, and bok choy cooked in chicken broth and bit of soy sauce, and franks hot sauce on the side.
HaHa , old habits die hard eh. I have been sticking to my new eating plan but have not been able to keep to my no weigh in mandate..... In all honesty seeing the scale come down is a big boost to my morale so for the first week I will allow myself scale updates. Speaking of the scale, it is dropping nicely. 8lbs since Tuesday and I KNOW most of this is water weight, mainly because my ankles have been swollen and uncomfortable for weeks and after getting in a good amount of water yesterday I see that they are looking more normal this morning.
Got in a great workout last night. I asked my trainer if I we could box and although he is concerned about my knee injury, he allowed me to hit the bag and get in some hand pad work. Felt great to have the gloves back on.
Food is going good, the funny thing is I am not finding it difficult at all. I am keeping in mind that I started on a Tuesday and generally week days are easier for me to keep on track. The weekend will be my test. But I am feeling strong and confident that here is no craving strong enough to make me cave. (that is my super hero persona talking !!!)
Update:
lunch today was a lovely green salad with lots of veggies and two eggs sliced on top, with an oil and vinegar dressing.
Thursday, April 16, 2015
Today is the first day of the rest of my life
And so it begins - again. I feel a sense of excitement inside of me today. Going to do my best to follow this program. Really put my trust in my trainer. I have watched him help many people around me lose weight but I, while I have lost quite a bit and then regained several times, do not feel like I have been a success. I have come a long way, of course, but getting to my weight loss goal has eluded me.... that is my focus until the end of the year, and I am going to put my full trust in my trainer to get me there.
Last night I signed up for a further 72 personal training sessions, which will take me close to the end of this year - 3 training sessions per week. I have gone back to more actual training rather than boxing 3 times a week. I will still get back to the boxing, but not quite yet. I need to work on losing weight and building my cardio up again. And of course losing this weight. I do not know how I functioned at 280lbs for so many years. I cannot function now. My body aches, my knee is injured simply because of the weight I am carrying. I am out of breath after a short walk and my self confidence is gonzo! So my priority HAS to be doing all that I can to lose this weight.
Which leads me to operation weight loss, volume 3, 925!!!! LOL I got my plastic back last night..... but just long enough to a) pay a grand towards my training, and b) run upstairs to the bank to get some cash out of the bank. My "allowance" for the week is $160.00. $60. to buy groceries; $60. to put gas in my car and $40. for anything else (entertainment). I was kidding my trainer asking if my entertainment could involve a bag of Doritos...... He wasn't impressed :)
So Phase 1 of my diet is for the first week, no meat (just eggs), and is very basic:
Morning: 1-2 glasses of room temperature water
One piece of fruit (I will be juicing)
coffee/tea, milk no sugar
Mid morning: one fruit, or 1 cup plain yogurt, or 2 poached eggs, or 1/4 c ricotta cheese, or 1/4c cottage cheese
Lunch: clear soup broth; salad- mixed greens, tomatoes; peppers, onions, cucumbers, mushrooms, sprouts, 2 hard boiled eggs(optional), salad dressing: oil and vinegar
Afternoon snack: 1 cup Yogurt or 1 cup fresh fruit
Night time: salad (must eat first and wait 20 minutes before continuing with meal) dressing: oil/vinegar
steamed veggies (lots of cruciferous veggies such as broccoli, cauliflower, brussel sprouts, zucchini, carrots, okra, mushrooms, spinach, onion)
Beans/legumes- (main source of protein) lentils, mung beans, black beans, kidney beans, garbanzo beans, edamame.
Grains- (main source of carbs) wild rice, brown rice, barley and quinoa
Unlimited salad and vegies, combine protein and carbs at 1-1 , ratio.
So today I will do my groceries (using my $60 budget) and tomorrow will be day 1 of this plan.
I have been really watching my food for the last couple of days and my weight is dropping. I have decided that I am not going to step on the scale for a bit. As I am writing this my mind is saying for a month, but I am not sure I can go a month without stepping on a scale, since I weigh myself first thing EVERY morning and have done so for many many years. Let me start with a week. I will do an initial weigh in tomorrow morning and then will not weigh in for a week.
It's time to get serious....
Last night I signed up for a further 72 personal training sessions, which will take me close to the end of this year - 3 training sessions per week. I have gone back to more actual training rather than boxing 3 times a week. I will still get back to the boxing, but not quite yet. I need to work on losing weight and building my cardio up again. And of course losing this weight. I do not know how I functioned at 280lbs for so many years. I cannot function now. My body aches, my knee is injured simply because of the weight I am carrying. I am out of breath after a short walk and my self confidence is gonzo! So my priority HAS to be doing all that I can to lose this weight.
Which leads me to operation weight loss, volume 3, 925!!!! LOL I got my plastic back last night..... but just long enough to a) pay a grand towards my training, and b) run upstairs to the bank to get some cash out of the bank. My "allowance" for the week is $160.00. $60. to buy groceries; $60. to put gas in my car and $40. for anything else (entertainment). I was kidding my trainer asking if my entertainment could involve a bag of Doritos...... He wasn't impressed :)
So Phase 1 of my diet is for the first week, no meat (just eggs), and is very basic:
Morning: 1-2 glasses of room temperature water
One piece of fruit (I will be juicing)
coffee/tea, milk no sugar
Mid morning: one fruit, or 1 cup plain yogurt, or 2 poached eggs, or 1/4 c ricotta cheese, or 1/4c cottage cheese
Lunch: clear soup broth; salad- mixed greens, tomatoes; peppers, onions, cucumbers, mushrooms, sprouts, 2 hard boiled eggs(optional), salad dressing: oil and vinegar
Afternoon snack: 1 cup Yogurt or 1 cup fresh fruit
Night time: salad (must eat first and wait 20 minutes before continuing with meal) dressing: oil/vinegar
steamed veggies (lots of cruciferous veggies such as broccoli, cauliflower, brussel sprouts, zucchini, carrots, okra, mushrooms, spinach, onion)
Beans/legumes- (main source of protein) lentils, mung beans, black beans, kidney beans, garbanzo beans, edamame.
Grains- (main source of carbs) wild rice, brown rice, barley and quinoa
Unlimited salad and vegies, combine protein and carbs at 1-1 , ratio.
So today I will do my groceries (using my $60 budget) and tomorrow will be day 1 of this plan.
I have been really watching my food for the last couple of days and my weight is dropping. I have decided that I am not going to step on the scale for a bit. As I am writing this my mind is saying for a month, but I am not sure I can go a month without stepping on a scale, since I weigh myself first thing EVERY morning and have done so for many many years. Let me start with a week. I will do an initial weigh in tomorrow morning and then will not weigh in for a week.
It's time to get serious....
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
I am hopeful I am on to something
Day two today sans credit card/bank card. I have to say that I was good during the day and on my drive home (both days) those familiar thoughts began flooding my head. Go to the drive through you are starving, mmmmmm burger king, mmmmmm subway, mmmmmmm McDonalds. But those thoughts were hit with the equivalent of a hard left hook when I realized I don't have money, or access to money!!!!
I will admit that last night I came home and had access to not so healthy food (a piece of leftover lasagna, and a small pack of m&m candies), but today my dinner was 1 cup quinoa, mixed with half a cucumber, some grape tomatoes, a drizzle of olive oil, and a squirt of lemon juice. I am satisfied now and still have my cash in the bank.
obviously it is early days yet, but once again I have a small glimmer of hope that this will give me a week or three to really get out of the habit of eating out and also allow my body to detox from all the sugar and flour my body has grown accustomed to eating.
In other news, tonight I need to purchase a new block of personal training sessions as my current package is about to run out.... wonder what my trainer would say if I told him I can't renew because I don't have access to my credit or debit card! hahaha I crack me up sometimes :)
I will admit that last night I came home and had access to not so healthy food (a piece of leftover lasagna, and a small pack of m&m candies), but today my dinner was 1 cup quinoa, mixed with half a cucumber, some grape tomatoes, a drizzle of olive oil, and a squirt of lemon juice. I am satisfied now and still have my cash in the bank.
obviously it is early days yet, but once again I have a small glimmer of hope that this will give me a week or three to really get out of the habit of eating out and also allow my body to detox from all the sugar and flour my body has grown accustomed to eating.
In other news, tonight I need to purchase a new block of personal training sessions as my current package is about to run out.... wonder what my trainer would say if I told him I can't renew because I don't have access to my credit or debit card! hahaha I crack me up sometimes :)
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
A new diet plan
So today I am starting a new plan..... I will call it the cash strapped plan. My biggest problem is laziness. It's just me (no husband, no kids to cook for) so I often find myself driving through a drive through on my way home because I'm too tired to cook - at least that's what I tell myself.
Last night I handed over my credit card and bank card to my personal trainer at the gym. Now there is absolutely no risk to me giving him these cards, I know I sound naïve to give these things away, but I'm not, in truth I am desperate to find a way to get back on track.
So my access to money is gone. He is writing up an eating plan for me and will scope out how much money is needed to by the ingredients required to do the diet for a week and then we will hit a bank machine in the mall where the gym is and I will get an allowance that will provide me with enough cash for the groceries and gas for the week. I will also get a 200 emergency fund which I will give to a family member just in case.
Hmmmm I always said the only way I would lose weight was to have my mouth stapled shut. Perhaps this is a way od doing just that, but without the physical pain??? We shall see
Last night I handed over my credit card and bank card to my personal trainer at the gym. Now there is absolutely no risk to me giving him these cards, I know I sound naïve to give these things away, but I'm not, in truth I am desperate to find a way to get back on track.
So my access to money is gone. He is writing up an eating plan for me and will scope out how much money is needed to by the ingredients required to do the diet for a week and then we will hit a bank machine in the mall where the gym is and I will get an allowance that will provide me with enough cash for the groceries and gas for the week. I will also get a 200 emergency fund which I will give to a family member just in case.
Hmmmm I always said the only way I would lose weight was to have my mouth stapled shut. Perhaps this is a way od doing just that, but without the physical pain??? We shall see
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