Meltdown - the aftermath

Had a good text exchange with my trainer last night.... He was at a ceremony last night that was welcoming him as a firefighter.... one of the biggest days of his life, and he still took the time last night to write to me.  If he won't give up on me, how the heck can I give up on myself.... boxing is the one thing that has really made me happy over the last few years. 

Funny thing is, he often quotes Rocky or some other inspirational meme, because he knows that I just love them... haha.  so he sent me the following quote from one of the Rocky quotes.

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain't you! You're better than that! I'm always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens. You're my son and you're my blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, ya ain't gonna have a life. "

I'm going to take the balance of this week off and then get back to training next Monday.  I need the week to focus on the juicing, and get through some stuff at work.  

The scale is moving though, weigh in this morning was 271.2

Meltdown.... focus change

Juice fast (haha) Day 2 weighin 274.8

I say haha, because I found myself at subway buying a 12 inch sub last night.  I wasn't even that hungry.  I am so very angry and disappointed in myself. Trying to get back on track today, thankfully, I still saw a loss on the scale, but I think yesterday was a bit of a turning point for me.

Last night I was boxing, and I had a complete meltdown.  My boxing partner gave me a direct (and in my opinion) dirty punch to my face last night and I totally lost it because my trainer kept telling me it was clean.  I ended up throwing my gloves off and leaving..... as much as he tried to calm me down and talk to me, I didn't want to listen. 

In the end I know that I was mad because I failed.... I am getting beat by a woman who has been boxing for a few months.  I should be running circles around her.  The biggest thing is I see the confidence in her, and I know I have lost all of my confidence.  I am too fat to be boxing  Before we started we were chatting with another of my trainers clients. They were talking about their goals and how much body fat they have lost.  I after 6 years have lost none.  I am a failure, and I don't know how to turn it around, so I have decided to do what I always do when the going gets tough.  I am going to quit.  Today I plan on telling my trainer that I need to take a few months off from my personal training.  I will focus on juicing, and losing weight.  I will continue to do light cardio during this period but my main focus will be weight loss.  Hopefully I can get myself into a better frame of mind and be ready to get back to the training. 

Of course I have to run this all by my trainer, who has become such a good friend, and a huge positive influence on my life.... I'm sure he will not think it's a good idea and I am nervous to tell him of my plan, and embarrassed to confront him and tell him the real reason I was mad last night. 

To be continued......

Update:  My already stressful day has just gone off the chart.... called into a meeting this morning to learn one of the lawyers I work for is going to be off work indefinitely - 1 day before a HUGE change comes into effect, which means I will be responsible for it.   Was interrupted in said meeting to be told that a colleague died of a massive heart attack last night.  Such a nice man and a great loss....  group meeting where the lawyer for this group (there are two of them) completely ignored my help in a recent big problem file, then later in the day called my boss in to complain about things I need to improve on (he gossips constantly about everyone), final two straws were the third lawyer coming to me this afternoon complaining about something small that a staff member has done... he was literally shaking with rage..... and the big one....the department head making a comment about me refusing to fix his printer.... while I know he is joking (on one level) I had enough for one day and when he made a comment that I was never willing to help out I blurted out in a less than happy voice "yep that's me"  It's all I could say, because I was on the verge of tears.  I feel like I am going to have a breakdown. I just can't handle much more.

Update 2: I texted my trainer this morning telling him I would not be in for the remainder of this week and was thinking about taking a 1or 2 month break from training.  I still have not heard back from him... I know he is upset/discouraged because he really has done everything he could to help me..... sigh At least I have stayed on my eating plan today.  On my drive home tonight I drank a juice and although my body wasn't hungry, my mind was telling me I am. Huge craving for carbs and I finally talked myself into stopping to pick up some bread and eggs.... how bad can that be right, egg on toast.... I pulled up in front of the store, and literally fought with myself in my head for a moment before pulling back out of the plaza and coming home, empty handed.  Small victory.

juicing (7 day detox)

Going to start a 7 day juicing plan today. I did a bit of juicing last week to get me back in the juicing zone.  My reason for doing this is to kick start my diet efforts, but also I find that juicing re-sets my body so that too much sugar, or carbs or fat, makes me feel really uncomfortable.  The place where I am now, I can eat all of this in huge quantities an
d it doesn't even phase me.  in fact I crave more and more and more.....

So on the weekend I got some official "before" photos.  I weigh in at 277lbs and I am wearing a size 18 plus size clothing.  If there is any "good" news it would be that I am back at the same weight I was 5 or 6 years ago, but at that time I was wearing a size 22 and sometimes a 24, so I suppose the working out has helped and perhaps my body is comprised of a bit more muscle that it was 6 years ago.   So here are my before pics taken March 22, 2015  5ft 6.5 inch 277lbs:

Uggggggh, not easy to post that, but I really want to be able to see how my body changes. 

So here is my prep work for my juicing.... Took about 1 hour last night to put together my meals for 3 days.... not bad, and it makes it really easy to juice in the morning.

Feels like home to me.

I have always been one of those big girls who was absolutely terrified of the gym.  The gym is a place for thin, fit people I always thought.  Of course I had never stepped foot in one, and quite frankly whenever I walked past the gym in our local mall, I looked away so as not to catch the eye of one of those athletes running on the treadmills below me.... When I finally convinced myself that I NEEDED to start working out, I very nearly quit after the first day.  I cried all the way home because I felt judged- as if I had a big sign on me saying laugh at the fat girl.  Of course I was sooooo wrong. 

For the first few years I worked out at 7a.m. since there were not a lot of people....and over time I got to know many of them by name, and found lots of support.  Eventually I switched to evenings which was a BIG change since the gym is packed and this is the time it is filled with the fittest, most beautiful, hard core athletes. 

Tonight I was boxing.... actually sparring and it was brutal... I am tired, my back is sore and my training was pushing us hard. I took a few hard punches to the face but gave way more back to my opponent.  It turned out to be a hard, but good training session.  I left the gym and was heading up the escalator to the parking lot when I hear a voice shout out "hey, you are an amazing boxer"!  It was for young guys on the escalator in front of me.  I braced myself for the punch line - I am so used to compliments being followed by a punch line.... but there wasn't one.... all 4 of them turned around and asked me questions about how long I've been boxing and told me they would hate to be on the receiving line of my left hook.  They walked me out to the parking lot chatting away with me..  I walked out feeling like a million bucks.

Then it hit me.... the gym has become my safe place. The place where I feel most comfortable in my own skin.  I know many people there by name, and even more by face, just to say hello.  I regularly have  someone run up to me to give me a high five, or just tell me that I inspire them, but the truth is that they all inspire me, they give me hope, that I can leave that scared girl who cried on my first night behind me, and continue to move towards being the light that shines bright and gives hope to every other overweight person who comes into the gym.  I see them all the time. I can see them moving around quietly, trying not to be noticed, feeling awkward and scared and I always do my best to make eye contact and give a small smile to let them know it's gonna get better.  And I work my ass off, every single night I am there, because there is nothing better than leading by example. 

Keep your eye on the prize..

 

This is me.  All 270lbs of me, all 48 years of me..... grinding it out in the gym.  Ever since I was a little kid I've wanted to box.  My neighbor had a pair of boxing gloves, but he was the only boy on the street so he never had anyone to box with.  My Dad, when he got fed up of listening to me and my sister fight, would threaten to buy us each a pair of boxing gloves and put us in the middle of the street to pound on each other until one of us was no longer standing.  Oh how I wished that he would stop waving that carrot in front of me and buy the darn boxing gloves.

I realize now that most of my life I was told I couldn't do things.  I couldn't play organized hockey because it was for boys, I couldn't do a walk a thon that my sister and her friends were doing, because it would be too strenuous.  Looking back now, I know that the real reason I couldn't play hockey was because my parents couldn't afford it, and my Mom constantly tried to shield me from the pain of life so she often told me I couldn't do things. In her way I think by keeping me from doing things she  thought she was protecting me from the big bad world, but for me it was a crushing blow to my self esteem. 

I have seen this follow me on my journey to health.... every fitness challenge I have done  has been a struggle because I constantly have that internal dialog in my head saying you CAN'T.  When I did my try a tri, I literally gave up 5 minutes into the swim.  Defeated, I was bobbing up and down in the water waiting for an official to come and take me out of the race.  When I decided to climb to the top of the CN Tower in Toronto, which is 144 floors high, and 1, 700+ steps, I got to floor 20 and I remember looking up and seeing the winding staircase going on forever.  I was bent over,  hyper ventilating, and in tears and saying to my friend, I can't do this, I can't do this, I just can't.

The happy ending in both of these stories is that I was able to find a way around my fear.... NO, actually I was able to push THROUGH my fear and come out the other side.  With the Tri, I thought about my family and friends who were standing on the shore in the rain, at 8:00 am on a Sunday morning, I thought about my trainer, who has told me time and again that my body is capable of doing this distance, and I thought about me who has let the word can't hold me back for far too many years.  With the stair climb, I took a few deep breaths to calm myself down, and I thought to myself, I really don't know if I am able to climb the remaining 124 floor, but what I do know is I am able to climb 10 floors, I just did that two times.... so I concentrated on climbing  10 floors - 12 and a half times.  I eventually finished both the tri and the stair climb.  I didn't set any records, in fact as I was finishing up the 2.5 k run to complete my tri, I passed a constant stream of participants walking back to their car. The race was over, the awards  were given out and everyone was going home.  BUT I FINISHED.  I also climbed to the top of the tower which has now become my beacon of hope.  You can pretty much see the top of the CN tower from most points around the Toronto area, and I find myself quite often looking for  it when my confidence needs a boost.  You see the dialogue in my head has changed from "I can't"  to "If you can climb the CN Tower, your damn right you can do this" (whatever "this" may be). 

So back to boxing, I feel like that fear has taken hold of my quest to fight.  I started boxing as a way to get fit and healthy, but along the way I decided that I really need a goal, and that goal is to actually step in the ring and have a real fight... just once, so that all of the people who have helped me on this journey can come together and see the final result of all of the hard work I have put into this.  I also know that in order to a) get good enough to be able to fight and b) be able to find a suitable opponent, I need to lose at lease 80 lbs.  I believe that the fact that I have gained weight and cannot seem to get on track with my eating is my heads way of saying "I can't"  because as long as I'm this size I won't have to go through with this. 

I need to find a way to push through the fear, and I think I will start by finding a spot today where I have a good view of the CN TOWER!

My biggest obstacle - the mighty binge

Yesterday was a pretty good day. Started with a decent breakfast and a good lunch.  I left work and started the drive home, and all of a sudden I am in the Tim Hortons drive through ordering a large double double coffee and a 10 pack of timbits.  I needed a coffee with all that cream and sugar, and a bunch of doughnut holes like a hole in the head, yet here I was gorging on them on my drive home.  In order for me to be successful, I know I am going to have to learn how to stop my binging, I just need to figure this out.  Luckily, I was boxing last night so I was able to burn the calories off.  Even that was hampered because of the binge I ended up having IBS symptoms when I started boxing..... terrible cramping that made me sit off on the sidelines for 15 minutes before I felt well enough to get back in.  I was telling myself that I have spend waaaay to much time on the sidelines in my life.  I'm not going to stay there any more. 

My trainer asked me how my eating is going and how much I've lost.  I told him that my weight is fluctuating between the same 5lbs and he asked me why.  I truthfully told him I have not been making great choices and he asked again why.  I have such a hard time with this question.  I don't know why..... I said I am very much stressed with my job, but I honestly think that's just an excuse to eat.  I know in life, there will always be reasons to give in and eat, I need to learn to turn to something else.  My trainer looked at me and said so seriously..... It's good that you are stressed, cause that means your alive.... the only time you won't have any stress in your life is when you're 6 feet under".  We both laughed about it, but his point was well taken.  I need to figure this thing out.
He then proceeded to kick my butt with the boxing drills, followed by 6 x 50 crunches.... yup 300 crunches.  I am pretty sure that I now have abs of steel. they are just protected by my chubby tummy.

Today's goals:
- drink water AT WORK
- Get some cardio in at the gym tonight
- add a fruit or veg to my lunch (pack an apple)
- get in some stretching or use the foam roller tonight.

New Day, new attitude

Today will be all about getting back on track. protein is cooked, groceries purchased and I am ready to go.  Started my day off with a Lean Green juice.  I'm not good with eating fruit and veg during the day.  Never have been and although I will work on getting more into my body during the day, in the meantime I will be drinking my fruit and veg. This bad boy is made up of one cucumber, 3 celery stalks, a handful of kale, two apples, a bit of ginger and half a lemon.

A look back and a look forward

So over the last few days, I have come to realize that it has been almost 7 years since I started to put a plan in motion and really change my life.  I called my blog Journey to find the real me, because I didn't think I was living the life I was meant to live, in fact I wasn't living, I was hiding myself away and slowly killing myself with food and cigarettes.  This became my favourite quote....    "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anais Nin  it really summed up how I felt.

You see I knew I had pretty much giving up on myself, but I knew I wanted to finally step outside of that dark place I had been hiding in for so many years, push myself to do the things that I needed to do to change my life but had been too afraid to try to do all these years.  One last final push to build the life that I so desperately wanted but had be too scared of failure to go for it.  I decided to make what I called a life chart, because the route from the life I was living to the life that I wanted was just too long, and there were many things that would need to fall into place to get me there.  I have no idea if this is something that people do, I didn't google "tools for changing your life"  I just knew how I thought I wanted my life to be (ie in a loving relationship, with someone who is active, leading a healthy life style,  where weight is a non issue in my life), and then I charted backwards to make a graph of the changes I needed to make to my life to get to that goal. So for example, one part of it would read I want to be active and participate in triathlons.  In in order to do that, I need to get fit, and in order to get fit, I need to start working out, but in order to start working out I needed to quit smoking, and in order to do that I needed get hypnotized.  So that was my starting point, do hypnosis to quit smoking. (I am smoke free for almost 8 years now by the way)

So that's what I did.  I must say it has been a struggle and I'm not at the ultimate goal but I can say that I am a completely different person than I was 7 years ago.  Unfortunately I am still at the same weight that I started at.  A break up last August with the man I thought was going to be my life partner, caused a relapse which resulted in a 40lb weight gain in 6 months, but there are still so many positive things that have changed.

1. fitness:  this is the big one.  I went from being a couch potato who loved watching sports to an athlete.  It took a long time for me to be able to call myself an athlete, because I don't look like one.  I have been working with a personal trainer for the past 7 years, and I credit him for much of the success in my life.  He turned me into an athlete, he makes me laugh, he makes me cry, but most of all he made me believe in myself and believe that I am an athlete.  Since training with him, I have done a 5k, climbed the CN Tower in Toronto, Done a try a tri, which is a mini triathlon.  I've learned that I can leg press 780lbs and I can bench press 180lbs - I am strong dammit.  The biggest thing that he has given me- is my love for boxing.  He does muay thai, so he incorporated some kickboxing into my routine, and it has slowly morphed into boxing..... and in the last few months I have started sparring with a training partner, and my goal is to have a real fight later this year.  Going forward there will be tons of posts about boxing since it is a huge part of my life now.

2.  Confidence:  my confidence level has changed 100%.  I used to (pretend) to be quiet, reserved, basically tried to hide in the background type person, except when I was with my friends.  I have learned that it was all about judgment.  I was so afraid of being judged, made fun of, made to feel that I was less than everybody else because I was over weight, so I tried to hide so as not to be noticed.  I have learned that I am just as good as everyone else.  I'm still working on it, but I am definitely getting better.  This has translated to me being put into a management position at work, where I am learning to become a leader.  Speaking in front of a group has been something that terrified me, but I have been pushing myself to do this on a daily basis.  Not there yet, but moving towards this.

3.  Relationships:  this is definitely a work in progress.  I spend much of the last 7 years with the same person.  I really didn't date for many years (to be perfectly honest from my mid 20's to my late 30's), and other than a few relationships in my early 20's I didn't date AT ALL.  It's funny because I never even tried to let a guy know that I was interested, I had completely given up and just assumed that no man would be interested in me.  I think when I met S, I was so appreciative of  his interest in me that I just latched onto him and allowed him to hurt me over and over again during the time we dated.  The funny thing is, he is the one who made me feel beautiful, and sexy and all the things I never felt about myself, yet he is also the one who made me feel not good enough.  Not up to his standard etc.  It was complicated, there was both good and bad, but I have finally moved on, dusted myself off and am trying to get out there and date a bit more.  I still find it scary, but I can say it's getting easier to put myself out there, I am just being very choosy, and not putting too much focus on it.  The good news is I have made some good solid guy friends in the last little while, but still looking for "the one"

4.  Weight loss:  This is the one area that I feel like I have failed.  I feel like I have tried every crazy assed diet out there and have had some short term success but I keep moving back up to my starting weight.  I need to start focusing on my diet. I know that diet is key for losing weight and I need to figure this part of my journey out. I will start with posting more regularly on My Fitness Pal.  More to come on this. 

I guess to summarize, I feel like the last 7 years have been a success. Am I where I want to be, absolutely not, but I can honestly say that I am getting closer to living the type of life that I want to live, and I no longer feel like it is a pipe dream, I know I will get there.  Probably the best thing is the fact that I am enjoying my life now