How do I stop eating my feelings?

So something happened at work on Thursday and I have been trying to put it out of my mind and pretend that it has not affected me.

I had a customer come in to meet with the lawyer I work for and myself on Thursday. Now this man has told me on numerous occasions that he was not well, has a heart condition and recently had a stroke. He wanted to come in to discuss a legal matter involving his property and I have put it off for a long time because of his health issues, but he insisted to come in. The three of us sat it a boardroom discussing the situation and all of a sudden he started to have an angina attack. He had his nitro spray and seemed to settle down and then boom he had another one. I managed to keep it together in the boardroom, but as soon as he left (after he was feeling a bit better) I retreated to the washroom and broke down in tears, it was so upsetting partly because my Grandmother had angina and had a massive heart attack and died in front of me. This was quite a few years ago and I realized that I never spoke about that experience, never dealt with it and this experience just brought everything to the surface. I have spent every day since then pushing the feelings down and numbing myself with food.

I need to deal with the pain of both experiences and let it go so that I can move on, I just need to figure out how to do this.

Weight Watchers - Week 2 weigh in

Todays meeting was about saying no to no. This is a big one for me. I have been on so many diets in the past where my mentality was that I have to deprive myself, and eat foods that I didn't really like all in the name of losing weight. This time around I am trying to focus only on the points and making sure I don't go over my daily points. I am eating full fat cheese (small portions and not every day), and regular yogurt and sour cream, and using oil in place of cooking spray. It really is a personal choice that I favour eating less of the things that I really like rather that eating low fat, sugar free food substitutes. I honestly do not even feel like I am on a diet and and pretty much feel satisfied all of the time. I realize I am still early in the game and things may change- especially when I have lost some weight and my daily points go down, but for now I am enjoying eating healthy and being guilt free.

Just wanted to note that this week I used almost all of my weekly points and my weight loss was 1.6. I am going to try and eat less of the weekly points this week (without feeling hungry) and see if there is a change on the scale. Don't get me wrong, I am happy with 1.6lbs, but I want to experiment and customize this plan to suit my needs.


After Meeting Update-
Start weight - 250 lbs
Current weight - 243.4
Weekly loss- 1.2
Loss to date- 6.6

Midweek Peek - Progress report

Ummmmm yeah, so it is only Tuesday morning, and since my last post I have stepped on the scale about a gazillion times-lol

Right, I will need to work on this a bit.....

Ate most of my weekly points on Sunday and realized the entire day I was eating out of boredom. I'm still on track though and feeling good..... well except for my arms and shoulders..... have you ever seen Olympic weightlifting where they pull the bar up to shoulder level, and then press the bar up over their head? Google clean and jerk and you will see what I mean. Yup, well that's what I was doing yesterday. I still don't totally have the hang of it, but it's getting better.

Off to get ready for work.

Midweek Peek

One of my biggest downfall's when it comes to weight loss is my need to weigh myself, at the very least, every morning. I literally wake up and still groggy, stumble into the kitchen (the only flat surface in my condo) and step on the scale. This sets the tone for my day, but what I have realized is that no matter what the scale says, looking at the number is never motivation to stay on track for the day. However the number, whether it is good or bad, is always an excuse to go off plan for the day. If I'm down a few, I feel like I have a "bit of room" to indulge that day and if I'm up then say to myself " well I'm not losing anything anyway, I may as well just eat".

Somewhere between sleep last night and early this morning the term Midweek Peek came into my head. I know for sure I cannot go a full week without weighing myself, not yet anyway, but I think if I give myself a little mid week peek at the scale I may just be able to get through without going absolutely crazy. That is the plan for this week, I am curious to see what changes occur, if any.

On a bit of a funny note, when I was thinking about the scale and how it has been detrimental to my weight loss efforts I briefly thought that since it is in my kitchen anyway, perhaps I should position it right in front of the fridge so that everytime I go to get food, I have to step on the scale and see my weight and be faced with the reality of what too much food has done to me. On a bigger scale (pun intended) - perhaps they should make the floor in grocery stores weight scales so that when you stop in front of the ice cream or chips or a variety of other stuff, a huge biggest loser type board lights up, flashing our weight for the world to see thus shaming us into not buying the crap- hmmmmm I may be on to something here :)

weight watchers - weigh in number 1

Dieting is wishful shrinking. ~Author Unknown

Just getting ready to head out to my meeting. I can feel the old me creeping into my head -you know the one who is saying 'Your scale shows you lost 8 lbs - when you step on that scale at weight watchers it better be 8 lbs that you lost... anything less than that and you are a FAILURE" !!!!! or the one that always sets me up to fail is "ok, so if you lose 3 lbs a week.... lets see that is 12lbs per month, which means I should be down 60lbs by the end of the year...... hmmmm but I think I can lose 3.5lbs per week so that would make it 75lbs by year end".

So far I have managed to push these thoughts from my head. I am expecting a loss today, no matter what that loss is, I will be thrilled. Going forward, I am going to focus only on eating what I am supposed to eat and exercise as much as I am able to fit into my schedule and let my body release this fat at its own pace. I refuse to play those old games this time - if there is one thing I have learned in the 30 years I have been dieting - is that I can plan out a lot of things related to weight loss, but I cannot plan what the scale is going to say.

After Meeting Update-
Start weight - 250 lbs
Current weight - 244.6
Weekly loss- 5.4
Loss to date- 5.4

Perfect ending to my week

I ran for 10 minutes straight this morning! My morning warm up at the gym is to do 1/2 mile on the treadmill. It is normally a run/walk, no wait I mean a walk/run - I do more walking than running, but I do small spurts at 5 mph and even up to 7.5mph, but I can only do this for short bursts. Last week I went back down to my original speed of 4.5mph, which I know is really only a slow jog, but for me, at 240lbs, it is still running. Last week I managed to run for 6 minutes but then I hit the 1/2 mile marker and stopped. Well, this morning I was determined to hit the 10 minute mark. I walked for 1 minute to warm up and then went up to 4.3 mph and just ran, I got to 10 minutes and was going to stop but then realized that I had walked for a minute so I kept going for the last minute. I ran 3/4 of a mile without stopping. Hurrah! On the downside I was exhausted after doing this and then had a 60 minute session with my trainer to do, which of course included a ton of cardio and weights today, but it's done and I survived and am now feeling energized and ready to take on the day.

NOTE: HERE IS A POST FROM MAY 2009 WHEN I WAS THRILLED TO BE ABLE TO RUN FOR 1 MINUTE AT THIS SPEED.... http://journeytofindtherealme.blogspot.com/2009/05/gym-update.html

I have been on track all week with my eating and tomorrow I am looking forward to an absolutely fantastic first week weigh in at weight watchers. Yup I said I am looking forward to weigh in tommorrow.... haven't heard me say that in a while huh! :)

Off to enjoy my new favorite breakfast - orange juice, two tablespoons of vanilla yogurt, frozen mango chunks and frozen blueberries, all blended up into a glass of pure heaven.

OMG I think I actually saw it...

After mountain biking on Sunday, I am completely covered in mosquito bites and I'm just super itchy. There is one spot on my back, just behind my arm pit that was really bothering me tonight and I went to the mirror to see if I could see where the bite was, and that is when I saw it.

My eyes wandered from the itchy surface and settled on the way my arm and shoulder looked.... I am talking cut, muscular and strong. The muscle from my shoulder to my traps were so defined it was breathtaking. I literally stood there for about 5 minutes amazed at how amazing my arm looked.

This is just a bit of a reminder to myself, that I do have a muscular, strong body hiding under the layers of fat. This excites me and motivates me to really, really get my eating under control so that this new me can finally start to emerge.....

Here is a pic of my arm today, although it doesn't do justice to what I was seeing in the mirror. I am going to take pictures of my arm every month until the end of the year and see what my progress looks like. Is that king of weird? Since my final fitness test is to step into a boxing ring and fight, I though showing my arms was a fitting measure - what do you think?



Here is a picture of my arms from a few years ago:

Mountain Biking

So I headed out with a friend today. We went back to the same park we went to last month to give mountain biking a second go. You may recall last time I came home with cuts and bruises and a damages shoulder from falling from the bike a couple of times. Today was a different story. I felt like I had the hang of it out there. Challenging myself to push through the rocky sections and increaseing my speed overall. We rode for an hour and then decided we were feeling strong still so we hit another nearby park and rode for another hour and a half. By the end I truly was spent, but what a wonderful day. It felt so good to be out there pushing myself and working hard, burning calories and feeling amazingly strong doing it.

I weighed in yesterday at weight watchers and my official start weight was 250lbs, which is up about ten pounds but I am keeping positive as I know that I had a big meal and a few drinks (quite a few drinks) and was feeling very bloated so I am expecting a large loss on me weigh in next Saturday.

Setting myself up for sucess

"All that I need, is within me"


ok it's done. I have officially re-joined weight watchers. They have a special at the moment where you get a monthly pass at (at a rate that is lower than the week to week rate) and includes meetings and etools. Add to this my body bugg (biggest loser) and of course the biggest part to my getting fit puzzle, which is my fabulous personal trainer, and I really do have all of the tools required to see better results.

I asked my trainer how to learn how to focus myself to the task at hand, whether it be running, or boxing or lifting, I was finding that at the times that I was able to truly focus all of my energy on the task at hand, I was sucessful, but when I allowed my old fears and negetive thoughts to flood my mind, I failed. My trainer told me that he uses the phrase "All that I need is within me" and I have started to repeat this to myself over and over when I am at the gym. It is working, I am becoming mentally stronger and it is making a world of difference in my training.

I have decided to apply this to my weight loss efforts as well. Deep down inside I think I am deathly afraid of failure. I have failed at weight loss so many times before. I have come to the obvious conclusion that I cannot just dole out money and expect the fat to just melt away from my body, I have to actually do the work...I am beginning this weight loss journey again, this time with the confidence, that all that I need is within me. This is it..... I will do this.... I will suceed!

I think I am ready

To get my eating under control. I am re-joining weight watchers. I have about 5 months left of personal training and I need to get some of this weight off. I know I have been working hard in my training sessions and have been changing my body shape, but I need to get on track with my eating. Back to meetings as of Saturday. Now the big thing for me is I am going alone. I've never done that before, but I am going and I am going to start losing again.

On a good note, today I ran (ok more like a slow jog) on 4.5mph for 7 minutes straight. That is pretty much unheard of for me, so I am going back tomorrow to see if I can beat that time..... the best part was I had absolutely no pain in my knees for the first time in about 1.5 years.

Still enjoying my vacation, am super relaxed and looking forward to enjoying another few days of freedom before heading back to the stress pit that I call work!

week in pictures

Just a few photos from the last week. I've had my niece with me so it has been all about her mostly, but we managed to have a good week.

1. Hiking


2. Hiking


3. Ceasar salad at Pizza Hut - Food choice not so good!


4. Soccer is always more fun when Grandpa is in net! (the good girls won 7-2)


5. Chuck e Cheese Skeet ball anyone?

It is with deep regret....

That I change my age in the`about me` section, from 43 to 44..... LOL, yuppers, today is my birthday. It will be a rather low key affair, I`ve never been big on celebrating, but I am heading out to Jack Astors with some friends this evening for beer and nachos :)

Celebrating a birthday makes me reflect on the past year, and the changes that I have made.... It is in this last year that I ran a 5k, climbed the CN Tower, and did a try a tri. Doing these things were so far away from my reality a few years ago and it only makes me proud of what I have been able to accomplish and also excited for the coming year..... you see the biggest change that I have made is I now believe in myself. I am proud of my body that is becoming strong and healthy and I barely recognize that woman who a few years ago was so tired, and sad.

Stay tuned as I begin a brand new year, with new challenges, new goals and new accomplishments.