Fork in the road

The last week has been a wake up call for me. My personal training sessions ended about a week and a half ago, and it just so happened that my trainer went on vacation during the same time period. As of today it has been 10 days without exercise, I have not gone to the gym at all. I did go for a walk in the park one evening, but left after about 10 minutes to go shopping at Winners. So why the fork in the road you may ask? Well, I have been thinking about things this week, you know pondering how far I have come in the last 9 mos or so, and while I have come a long way, I began doubting whether I have been giving this process my all. I know my eating, especially binging is not under control, in fact this week proved that to me. I have been saving every penny to pay for my next block of personal training sessions, and it is a LOT of cash, well for me anyway - 10 grand to be exact... and I am thinking that I could just try doing this on my own and use that money to put towards a new car, or my dream trip to Australia, or some renos on my condo.

I finally realized yesterday, that yes I have reached a fork in the road, the low road is the easier road, just give up, go back to my old habits, or take the high road, which I know is the more difficult road, in fact that road is pretty much going to lead me up a mountain. I think I realized that I am afraid. I have my 5k race coming up in 3 weeks, and I think my mind is telling me just give up right now, but giving up on this is giving up on me, and I know this is may be my last chance to complete this journey that I started last November when I quit smoking.. I truly am beginning to get a glimpse of the real me, the beautiful, confident, athletic and happy woman who I lost somewhere along the way.

So I have decided I am going to continue along the high road for now, up the side of that mountain. I go back to the gym tomorrow morning and will sign up for another 6 mos of personal training sessions right away, before I can chicken out again and then take it a day at a time. I heard a song on the radio this weekend, I'm embarrassed to say it is by Miley Cirus (sp), but the words reached my core and I think gave me the strength to just suck it up and continue.... The song is called The Climb, I will put the lyric on here so that I can come back and view them later.


THE CLIMB
I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
The pain I'm knowing
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on,

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It's all about
It's all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith

5K Trial Run

So today I did the trial 5k. This bit may be TMI so skip this paragraph if you like(I am trying to truly document my journey and this is part of it). So last night, I was violently ill with stomach cramps and the big "D". I don't think I have mentioned this before but I suffer from IBS or irritable bowel syndrome, and I never know when I am going to have an episode.... I have been trying to follow the nourishment rules set out by my trainer prior to doing the run but alas, these rules did not agree with my stomach, and the anxiety over today's run did not help.

Anyway, I did not have any water in my system, in fact I was probably dehydrated, and with 5 minutes left before leaving for the park I was seriously considering NOT going.... Then I thought about my goals and how badly I want to find the real me- the athlete, the fit person, the confident person, that I just sucked it up and left.

about 1k into it I convinced my self to just give up.... everyone was way ahead of me (which I was ok with) but I did not have the confidence to run, because the path was along the road where everyone could see me. So I decided I would stop at the 2k point and just say I couldn't finish it.... Then I saw my trainer up ahead, coming back to meet me. I told him I was dehydrated and wasn't going to keep going and he hugged me and told me I had to believe in myself the way he did, he knew I could do it....... and so he walked with me and we ran for short spurts and then he left to start timing in the other runners. I told him please tell the others to leave(I didn't want them waiting around for me). So off I went, my trainer came and checked in with me once more and then I was on my own.....

The last part of the run was on the track and one of the girls came our and did the final lap with me (we ran) and we ran in together to the finish line. All the others stayed too and cheered me in.

The best part (besides the fact that I finished) was my time.... It was right around 50 min. (I for get the exact time, but it was between 49-50 mins)

Now I am a bit tired, but I also now know that I can do it and considering I walked most of the 5k, I can improve a lot in the next 5 weeks and come up with a much better time on race day.

The eve of something big!

Well big to me anyway. Tomorrow morning a group of us are meeting at a park here to do a practice 5k run! eeeeek. I've only actually run 5k once, that was on a treadmill and I was told that is much easier than running outside.

Still, as much as I am scared to death, I am excited as well...

On another note, my sister called me last night to tell me my Nephew joined the Canadian Armed Forces yesterday, or at least he has taken the first step to joining. I knew this is what he wanted to do and I have been helping him get his GED so that he could join, but I have to say, last night I cried for hours thinking about this. Anyway, today, he called me and was telling me all about it, and he is sooooooooo happy and excited and I haven't seen him like this in such a long time, that I decided I will not be sad, I will be happy for him. So if all goes as planned he will do 16 weeks of basic training in Ontario and then will be posted to NFLD as part of a tank and artillery team (whatever that means- lol). Hey, I'm from Toronto, we only call in the army when it snows- hahahaha

Thursday ramblings

Just back from the gym, today I did 1 mile in 15:56. It was so nice to see the number 15 in front of the time. Very hard today though, there was nobody else in the women's only section(for most of the time anyway) and I did not have to be accountable to anyone else but me. Hmmmm I think there is a lesson to myself in there somewhere- lol.

My goal for today is to order my coffee with milk and no sugar instead of the double double. Normally I go through the drive through I keep saying in my head, milk only, milk only milk only.... all the way to the box where you order and when they ask what I want I a blurt out a large double double! Whaaaaaat.

I am off to make my green monster for breakfast and for lunch I am having ryvita bread with roasted red pepper hummus and tomato slices, and perhaps some soup too.

Training schedule has begun

So for the next little while I will be doing nothing but preparing for the 5k race on October 18, so my blog space will be a wee bit boring for a while. I am going to try and track food and exercise and my feelings about the run. I have to admit I am beginning to get cold feet about doing this - I'm not fit enough, I'm not thin enough, everyone is gonna stare and laugh at the fat girl attempting to run etc, etc etc..... I am trying to block this out of my head and just worry about that the day of the race.

Anyway, today I ran 2 miles. I did the first mile in a time of 16 minutes, the second mile(which I walked most of the way) was 18.8. My knee is still bothering me but I am stoked about the 16 minute mile, as my goal for the 5k race is a time of 45 minutes which is roughly a 15 minute mile.

I have a first trial run this Saturday, so my trainer told me in preparation of the run not to eat beef, or fish, no vinegar, no high glycemic food, such as white rice, and nothing fried. So, my lunch today is salmon, jasmine rice and zucchini brushed with olive oil and balsamic vinegar- lol...... I will follow his rules beginning tomorrow. Oh and I had a green monster for breakfast - fat free soy milk, frozen banana, frozen blueberries 1 scoop of protein powder and two cups of fresh spinach. It is surprisingly good... HONEST! So dinner was not too great, I had a individual size frozen pizza, with peperoni and veggies. Not great, but not too bad either. The only other thing I had today was a large double double from timmies. I really need to wean myself off of the cream and sugar (Any non Canadians who are actually reading this, a large double double is coffee with two creams and two sugars from our favorite coffee and dounut shop- Tim Hortons)

Hey Blue. I was at a Newfie Jig on Sunday. My sisters in laws are from NFLD and have a huge horseshoe throwing tournement every year with all their family and friends from back home. The music was blasting (think I's a bye who builds the boat) everyone was up doing the jig and there was a big pot of salt beef served at dinner! It was so much fun, and every one was so friendly and welcoming. (well they are Newfoundlanders right!)

Drive by post

to say my eating is out of control, and I need to put an end to it immediately. On the other hand I have completed a monthly fitness test at the gym and I have improved quite a bit since last month. Examples

pull up (chin up) last month 7, this month 18

step ups (on a bench) last month 30, this month 41 (in 2 minutes)

BUT THE BEST

leg lifts- last month I lifted 295lbs, this month 545lbs (hahaha I am SERIOUS)

Only problem is my knees are sore today from the strain of the leg lifts.

less than 50 days until I run the 5k and I am nowhere near where I want to be which I think is bringing on the binge eating. *sigh*