A course in weight Loss-Lesson #2

(SWEAR WORD ALERT) I don't want to offend anyone - Lots and lots of f*bombs* in this post.....







Working my way through a binge eating book called A course in Weight Loss- 21 Spriitual lessons for surrendering your weight forever by Marianne Williamson. My all time favorite quote is from a book by Marianne Williamson , so when I saw this book I picked it up. It does have a slightly religious undertone, but seems to deal more with giving over your fear to a higher power, whatever that higher power may be to you.

Anyway today was lesson #2 and what I needed to do was write two letters, one from my thin self to my not so thin self, and then one from my not so thin self to my fat self. What I found is that the anger that I feel towards my not so thin self- the self loathing that I have felt for so long really came out in the letter from my thin self. At first I thought this may be a bit too personal to add here, and then I realized that it is true and honest and when I first started a blog it was so that I had a place to write down my raw feelings.... here it goes:

Dear Lardo:

Just what the hell do you think you are doing? Why are you continuing to stuff your fat fucken face with a bunch of shit that you know is not going to get you to your goal of being thin. You say you want this so bad, you work out in the gym and sweat your ass off, then walk around for the next two days sore as hell from working out so hard and deal with reoccurring injury day after day, month after month, for over two years now yet you are still 240 fucken pounds… Don’t believe them when they tell you that you have gained a lot of muscle and that’s why your weight is not going down. I know and you know its not true. You are burning 600 calories at the gym and then eating 1000 calories of pure shit on top of your regular calories for the day.

I know it’s hard to change into a person who you don’t really know how to be. I understand the thought of coming out into the limelight and getting attention can be scary- look I know you have lived much of your life in the shadow of others, always trying to stay under the radar. I know the thought of having attention cast your way, especially from men is hard since you have spent so much of your life pushing men away. I also know the thought of having a man be disgusted by your fat, scarred body is scary but remember, you learned how to live as a 280 lb woman and yes, you were able to keep a low profile, get by with just a few close friends, never really try anything new and exciting and keep the men away but can you say you have been happy? Absolutely fucken not. You feel like a failure most of the time, like life is passing your fat ass by. Who the fuck goes to the Caribbean and is too fucken scared to get up and walk down to the water in a swimsuit because she doesn’t want people to laugh at her fatness- who the fuck does that really- pays 1500 fucken bucks year after fucken year to go and sit on a chair on a beach, sweat your fucken ass off and be too afraid to walk down to the fucken ocean because your fat…It seems that everything you have ever done has been done half assed and now you have the chance to break free of the chains and live your life the way you want to live it, as an athlete and you just don’t have the fucken guts to do it! Who cares if you fail at something, everyone fucken fails. Failing should just give you the strength to push a little bit harder until you are successful. You are nothing but a fucken coward!

You know that I love you but come on, this is the opportunity of a lifetime, the closest you have ever gotten to really, REALLY becoming an athlete and living the life that you have always wanted to live….

Do you remember middleschool when the ugly little fuck used to walk past you every fucken day and yell out “laaaaaaardo” when he walked passed you. Do you remember how ashamed and embarrassed you were- huh do you remember lardo? Do you also remember how amazing it felt when you finally decided to stand up for yourself- Remember grabbing the little fuck by the shirt collar and smashing him into a locker? I’m sure his feet were off the ground! Remember the look of fear in his eye when you told him if he EVER said that to you again “he was dead”! and do you remember how for the next year and half, that scared little fuck was your FRIEND and said hello to you when he passed you in the hall. That took a lot of guts, I was truly proud of you for standing up for yourself. You can do this, you CAN change your life. Stand up for what you really want out of this life and fight.

Love you always,
Your thin, athletic self





Dear thin, athletic self

I know a lot of what I do does not make sense to you, really how can it. Sometimes I think that the damage done to my self esteem since I was a little kid is not repairable at this time in my life.

It’s true that the fact that I have always been fat so I have never really had high expectations for myself. I know that’s sad to say but that is how I have felt. Growing up I was the only fat kid at school, and although I didn’t get teased too badly It was always clear that boys were not interested in the fat girl…. I remember being in grade 3 and playing kissing tag – I kept running, and running and running, but there were never any boys chasing me to kiss me. Same with high school dances, nobody ever asked me to dance, eventually I just stopped going and found a job, so I would have an excuse for why I couldn’t go. I have been told by a boy at around age 10 that I had a pretty face and should consider losing some weight so I could find a boyfriend, and was given an elephant puppet by a boy as a joke gift, have had boys stick their head out of a passing car and tell me that I would have to walk all fucken night if I wanted to lose some weight(I was out for a walk to get some exercise) and I have, for many years seen a look of disappointment in my thin athletic fathers eyes telling my that he is ashamed of me.

I have watched both of my sisters make horrible mistakes with men. I’ve seen them place all of their self worth in the hands of the men they were dating or married to, and I have seen the devastation caused by tragic events caused by both of them. I think in a way I was so disgusted by my sisters’ need for a man in their lives to feel worthy, that I rebelled and decided that I didn’t need a man – I could find my own happiness and a way to ensure this was to pack on the pounds. I have made some headway with this though thin athletic self. I did meet a terrific guy and dated him for over two years before realizing that I was looking for something more serious that he was, and while we are no longer dating, I have learned that there are good men out there, and I also learned that do want to love and be loved. I am making some headway then although there is still something that is holding me back, just not sure what!

Please don’t give up on me thin, athletic self. I feel that in the last two years I have come into the light after living in the darkness for so long. I still have a way to go but I am learning more about myself every day. I am going to figure this out and make you proud – I promise.

Signed,
Your not so thin self.