Meltdown - the aftermath

Had a good text exchange with my trainer last night.... He was at a ceremony last night that was welcoming him as a firefighter.... one of the biggest days of his life, and he still took the time last night to write to me.  If he won't give up on me, how the heck can I give up on myself.... boxing is the one thing that has really made me happy over the last few years. 

Funny thing is, he often quotes Rocky or some other inspirational meme, because he knows that I just love them... haha.  so he sent me the following quote from one of the Rocky quotes.

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain't you! You're better than that! I'm always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens. You're my son and you're my blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, ya ain't gonna have a life. "

I'm going to take the balance of this week off and then get back to training next Monday.  I need the week to focus on the juicing, and get through some stuff at work.  

The scale is moving though, weigh in this morning was 271.2

Meltdown.... focus change

Juice fast (haha) Day 2 weighin 274.8

I say haha, because I found myself at subway buying a 12 inch sub last night.  I wasn't even that hungry.  I am so very angry and disappointed in myself. Trying to get back on track today, thankfully, I still saw a loss on the scale, but I think yesterday was a bit of a turning point for me.

Last night I was boxing, and I had a complete meltdown.  My boxing partner gave me a direct (and in my opinion) dirty punch to my face last night and I totally lost it because my trainer kept telling me it was clean.  I ended up throwing my gloves off and leaving..... as much as he tried to calm me down and talk to me, I didn't want to listen. 

In the end I know that I was mad because I failed.... I am getting beat by a woman who has been boxing for a few months.  I should be running circles around her.  The biggest thing is I see the confidence in her, and I know I have lost all of my confidence.  I am too fat to be boxing  Before we started we were chatting with another of my trainers clients. They were talking about their goals and how much body fat they have lost.  I after 6 years have lost none.  I am a failure, and I don't know how to turn it around, so I have decided to do what I always do when the going gets tough.  I am going to quit.  Today I plan on telling my trainer that I need to take a few months off from my personal training.  I will focus on juicing, and losing weight.  I will continue to do light cardio during this period but my main focus will be weight loss.  Hopefully I can get myself into a better frame of mind and be ready to get back to the training. 

Of course I have to run this all by my trainer, who has become such a good friend, and a huge positive influence on my life.... I'm sure he will not think it's a good idea and I am nervous to tell him of my plan, and embarrassed to confront him and tell him the real reason I was mad last night. 

To be continued......

Update:  My already stressful day has just gone off the chart.... called into a meeting this morning to learn one of the lawyers I work for is going to be off work indefinitely - 1 day before a HUGE change comes into effect, which means I will be responsible for it.   Was interrupted in said meeting to be told that a colleague died of a massive heart attack last night.  Such a nice man and a great loss....  group meeting where the lawyer for this group (there are two of them) completely ignored my help in a recent big problem file, then later in the day called my boss in to complain about things I need to improve on (he gossips constantly about everyone), final two straws were the third lawyer coming to me this afternoon complaining about something small that a staff member has done... he was literally shaking with rage..... and the big one....the department head making a comment about me refusing to fix his printer.... while I know he is joking (on one level) I had enough for one day and when he made a comment that I was never willing to help out I blurted out in a less than happy voice "yep that's me"  It's all I could say, because I was on the verge of tears.  I feel like I am going to have a breakdown. I just can't handle much more.

Update 2: I texted my trainer this morning telling him I would not be in for the remainder of this week and was thinking about taking a 1or 2 month break from training.  I still have not heard back from him... I know he is upset/discouraged because he really has done everything he could to help me..... sigh At least I have stayed on my eating plan today.  On my drive home tonight I drank a juice and although my body wasn't hungry, my mind was telling me I am. Huge craving for carbs and I finally talked myself into stopping to pick up some bread and eggs.... how bad can that be right, egg on toast.... I pulled up in front of the store, and literally fought with myself in my head for a moment before pulling back out of the plaza and coming home, empty handed.  Small victory.

juicing (7 day detox)

Going to start a 7 day juicing plan today. I did a bit of juicing last week to get me back in the juicing zone.  My reason for doing this is to kick start my diet efforts, but also I find that juicing re-sets my body so that too much sugar, or carbs or fat, makes me feel really uncomfortable.  The place where I am now, I can eat all of this in huge quantities an
d it doesn't even phase me.  in fact I crave more and more and more.....

So on the weekend I got some official "before" photos.  I weigh in at 277lbs and I am wearing a size 18 plus size clothing.  If there is any "good" news it would be that I am back at the same weight I was 5 or 6 years ago, but at that time I was wearing a size 22 and sometimes a 24, so I suppose the working out has helped and perhaps my body is comprised of a bit more muscle that it was 6 years ago.   So here are my before pics taken March 22, 2015  5ft 6.5 inch 277lbs:

Uggggggh, not easy to post that, but I really want to be able to see how my body changes. 

So here is my prep work for my juicing.... Took about 1 hour last night to put together my meals for 3 days.... not bad, and it makes it really easy to juice in the morning.