How do I stop eating my feelings?

So something happened at work on Thursday and I have been trying to put it out of my mind and pretend that it has not affected me.

I had a customer come in to meet with the lawyer I work for and myself on Thursday. Now this man has told me on numerous occasions that he was not well, has a heart condition and recently had a stroke. He wanted to come in to discuss a legal matter involving his property and I have put it off for a long time because of his health issues, but he insisted to come in. The three of us sat it a boardroom discussing the situation and all of a sudden he started to have an angina attack. He had his nitro spray and seemed to settle down and then boom he had another one. I managed to keep it together in the boardroom, but as soon as he left (after he was feeling a bit better) I retreated to the washroom and broke down in tears, it was so upsetting partly because my Grandmother had angina and had a massive heart attack and died in front of me. This was quite a few years ago and I realized that I never spoke about that experience, never dealt with it and this experience just brought everything to the surface. I have spent every day since then pushing the feelings down and numbing myself with food.

I need to deal with the pain of both experiences and let it go so that I can move on, I just need to figure out how to do this.

Dark Day today

Today marks a 10 year anniversay in my life, but it's not a celebration. I've tried very hard to keep my NY resolution to not eat fast food, but today was a day I just couldn't fight the fight, no much of an emotional rollercoaster today, and I tried very hard to push the painful thoughts and memories down with a BK burger and fries..... Guess what, it didn't work - surpise surprise. The only way I somewhat redeemed myself was with this mornings workout, which is the hardest I have worked in the year I have been working with a trainer. I'll post more about it tomorrow.

I know I've written about my Mom's death many times as her illness has been the cause of much of my struggle over the last 10 years. My goal going forward is to focus on her courage and strengh and her *f*'d up sense of humour (which I proudly inherited) and not to dwell on what has been lost. Breast Cancer sucks!

Tomorrow is a new day, April 17 is drawing closer and those 147 floors of the CN Tower are slowing whispering in my ear asking if I've got what it takes? if I'm up for the challenge ....... My response is "I WILL BE READY SO BRING IT"