JOURNEY TO FIND THE REAL ME

Arrgh

2012-01-24T06:59:00.001-05:00

reinjured my gluteus muscle yesterday. Damn, I was just starting to feel strong!

Great workout and a small victory

2012-01-13T19:41:00.003-05:00

After skipping a workout yesterday, I was determined to get to the gym early today. I was there at 6:15 so I had 45 minutes to burn some calories on the treadmill, and then the eliptical, and still have time to do a quick dynamic warm up and get my hands wrapped and ready to go.

Since we are concentrating on cardio (as if boxing isn't enough cardio- lol) I did a warm up drill where I would run on the spot while throwing 8 punches high, then 8 punches low, then run to the end on the gym - then had to do it again increasing the punches to two sets and the run to two lengths, and had to keep doing this until we got up to 10. This is a crazy hard exercise and by the time I am done, I am soaking wet and exhausted. So I get a 2 minute water break and its on to another set of hard punching and footwork exercise and finished it up with inclined plank (my feet are higher than my hands). My calorie burn for the 1hr 45 minute session was 1014calories. By 9:00 when I got I left for work, my calorie burn for the day was already 1500 calories, and my projected calorie burn for today is 3200 calories. That is insane!

So after a long day, I was pretty tired on my drive home and was craving chips and dip.... I never eat dip, so I don't even know where this was coming from.... I made up my mind that I had a big calorie burn and I would buy the chips and dip and be done with it...... I started thinking about it, and visualizing where I want to be in August and eventually talked myself out of it. Instead I bought all the fixings to make pita pizzas. I ate two of them which was a big splurge for me and ended up about 200 calories over my 1400 calorie limit for the day. I worked out how much the chips and dip would have been (lets face it I would have eaten the entire bag and the entire jar of dip) total calories for this 2400. This is a victory for me. Never have I even tried to talk myself out of a binge before.

Feeling pretty good today.

plugging along

2012-01-12T07:13:00.003-05:00

I feel like I have gotten into a grove food wise since the New Year. I am eating healthy and my daily caloric intake is right about 1400 calories. I am eating healthy food and an never hungry. I've even managed to eat out a few times and make healhy choices and stay within my daily calories.

Exercise wise, I am getting better, but am still trying to get over my back/hip injury. I am beginning to think that the "rip" I felt in my back a few weeks ago was the facia(sp) or scar tissue surrounding my muscles that have been inhibiting my pelvis from moving freely and causing it to torque. In the two weeks that I have been healing, I feel like my hips are finally looking more balanced. I will ask the chiropractor about my theory this morning when I go for my weekly appointment.

I have been wearing my bodybugg every day, and the minimum amount of calories I burn is about 2000. That is basically lying on the couch all day (which I did on Sunday)! If I do 1 hour of exercise and move around normally throughout the day I burn roughly 2700, and on the few days that I go all out with exercise (for me that is 2 hours at the gym with a 1 hour boxing/high cardio running session), I burn approx 3300 calories.

I am really paying attention to this because I can finally see that I have simply been eating too much in the past. If I can stick to the 1400 calories a day mark, I should be ablt to consistently lose 2 - 2.5 lbs a week and that is right on target for my August triathlon.... I am working on visualizing myself running across the finish line at 160 lbs - a strong, athlethic, healthy person.

I CAN DO THIS!!!!

Update: Went to the Chiro this morning and he once again worked his magic on my back and legs. He has confirmed that the pain I am feeling has nothing to do with the treatments and my body loosening up, it is a muscle tear in my gluteus minimus (I think that's what he called it) I have officially gotten my first sports injury and man is it a pain in the ass.... pa da dum! Another week of rest from doing any lateral movement and I should be good to go.

On the mend

2012-01-05T19:21:00.002-05:00

Went to the Chiropractor this morning. My back is feeling much better after my treatment. I am on the mend. I felt completely defeated after my injury on Monday..... I kept saying to myself "Happy Fucking New Year". In an effort to be more positive this year I decided to change my thinking to this being a set back. I am strong, and am doing what I need to do to get stronger, and I am completely focused on losing weight, which I believe will go a long way in alleviating the back pain.

I heard a quote today from a woman who lost a lot of weight (I think 400lbs) who said to "focus on the goal not the struggle". This is exaclty what I intend to do.

The Party is Officially OVER

2012-01-03T07:52:00.003-05:00

and back to work I go. I woke up this morning with quite a bit of pain in my lower body. My back is still tender, but rather than being a disc problem which I initially thought, this feels more like a strain in my glutes - Yeah I would think that might have something to do with the 75 squats I did yesterday. I did some stretching and used my foam roller a bit this morning and it is feeling better.

On the negative side I woke up at 4:45 this morning, totally ready to get my butt to the gym, but the pain was a little bit too much so I decided to forego it and went back to sleep for an hour. If I am feeling better, I will go tonight. I want to just do a light walk on the treadmill and maybe the eliptical for a bit to get a bit of a calorie burn.

Eating is right on track and my bodybugg tells me that on average, I am burning 1000 calories more than I am eating in a day, so that should equate to a 2 lb (fat) loss per week on the scale. Right on track.

I am also sending a daily quote to two of my friends to get/keep us motivated so I will post them to blog as well. Todays quote reminds me that this really is just an equation:

Sidelined before I even get started?

2012-01-02T12:23:00.002-05:00

Bad day.... hit the gym early this morning for my personal training session. I was doing weights today, squats (with 65lbs on my shoulder)lunges, again with weights, and then deadlifts. Everything was going well until the last set of deadlifts, where I felt something pull in my lower back. I was devestaed, there seems to always be a setback for me!

Icing my back on and off today, and hoping that it feels better tomorrow. Arrrrrrgh I want to scream.

Go!

2012-01-01T13:27:00.008-05:00

We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day ~ Edith Lovejoy Pierce

I was at a fantastic party last night. My aunt and uncle have been hosting a NYE party for as long as I can remember. Soca music is blaring..... the dancefloor is packed all night long, the atomosphere electric and there is soooooo much love and joy in the room. (see video clip below).

At midnight, amongst the kissing, and tooting of horns and screaming and clapping, I took a quick moment to reflect on 2011 and all of the amazing things that have happened and how much I have changed. This can be summed up perfectly in something my cousin said to me a few months ago when we met for lunch after not seeing each other for quite a few years. He told me that I am a completely different person that the shy, quiet, unconfident person that he knew. That was confirmation that the work that I have been doing IS WORKING! While celebrating the New Year, I also took a quick second to think about 2012 - This is going to be my year. It is in me to finish this and I will. As the first minutes of the New Year ticked away, I said to myself "today is the first day of the rest of your life"

AS of today, I will live with no more doubt about what I can or cannot achieve. Doubt is no longer an option. I will think like a average sized person, I will work out like an athlete, and will live my life as if I am at that place that I long to be(goal weight, "normal" )....... My body is just going to have to catch up to my mind.

Evening update:

tonights dinner: 3 oz chicken breast, 2 TBS tzaziki sauce, organic brown rice with greek spices, greek salad (tomato, cukes, yellow pepper, red onion) and a sprinkle of feta cheese with 1.5 TBSP low fat homemade greek dressing, and 6oz dry red wine. It was yummy.

Set....

2011-12-30T10:58:00.004-05:00

I have basically used this week to set myself up to succeed in the New Year. So many times in the past, I make a resolution to start eating healthy (this has been on my list for years) and when January 1 hits, I am not prepared and the grocery stores are not open soooooo.....

Food is prepared, all healthy, low carb, low fat, but nutrient rich. I have eggs boiled and in the fridge for breakfast, and lots of choices for lunch and dinners, plus lots of veggies on hand to make salads. I am going out on NYE and plan on partying it up - there will be lots of drinking, lots of eating (after midnight the food comes out) and lots and lots of dancing (thanks to my West Indian roots, the soca will be blasting and the dance floor will be packed. I am going to go and just enjoy - celebrate the end of a fantastic year and look forward to 2012 being "MY YEAR" The last 3 years that I have been writing this blog, I have been changing my life bit by bit- I have worked very hard on working on my inside - confidence, attitude, self worth. I am content with who I am, and can say that if I never lost another pound, I would be happy with who I am.

I have become comfortable with the notion that I am an athlete. I currently weigh 240lbs and I know that with every pound I lose in the new year will make me that much more effective as an athlete. I have paid up my personal training until August and I will not be continuing after that point. The cost has put a huge dent in my finances and there are some things that I just need to spend that money on (the first being a new car- I am just praying that mine will take me through the winter)

Next year - 2012 -
- I WILL complete a 5k in 30 minutes or less

- I WILL compete a try a tri in less than 60 minutes

- I WILL complete a sprint triathlon (no time limits on this)

- I WILL get down to my goal weight (not sure what that is could be anywhere from 150 to 180 lbs)

Today, was boxing day at the gym. My trainer pushed me harder than he's ever pushed me before. My bodybugg calculated 900 calories burned in 1 hr 21 minutes. My body was pushed to the point where I thought I was going to vomit, and the entire time I just kept telling myself 2012 is your year- last chance- how bad do you want it..... I can tell you that I killed that workout..... I want it bad!!!!

Happy New Year-

READY...

2011-12-28T10:26:00.001-05:00

Today, I feel optimistic. Was back at the gym today for a great workout with my trainer. He has me doing sprints at 9mph which is no small feat for a 240lb woman :) In between running sets, I was on the stair climber doing 30 floor sets (x2)

I can honestly say that I had a blast at Christmas but I'm glad it's over and I can get back to some sort of routine. I've made a few recipes and will spend this week getting back on track and nourishing my body. The New Year will mark my actual start date.

I keep repeating to myself that I need to hang on tight, cause the next 8 mos is gonna be a crazy assed ride :)

Active weekend.

2011-12-11T09:39:00.003-05:00

So I went to my first kick boxing class yesterday. It was fantastic. There were six other women, all of which are advanced fighters. I believe at least 4 of the 6 have actual fights under their belt. They were all very nice and encouraging. I paired up with the instructor to practice some moves so she could assess me. After we went through a few drills ( I had to punch and kick her in the stomach- ouch) We did some sparring. When I partnered up, I was allowed to hit them, but they couldn't hit me. It's funny because I went to see a kick boxing tournement at this gym a year and a half ago. There was a woman who was fighting, who totally inspired me. She was bigger (totally fit, and not fat, but tall and strong) and she wasn't really young. Watching her, I thought hey maybe I can do this... She really, really inspired me. Yesterday, she joined the class and I got to spar against her. It was funny, because before we started our sparring session, she asked me what made me want to start kick boxing.... I told her she did and explained that I had seen her fight and she inspired me.... It was pretty cool that I got to fight her in my first class!

Today - I am going boxing. This has been an awesome week exercise wise, and food wise as well. My back and legs are feeling so much better and I feel like I'm back on track.... finally

Trying a new gym

2011-12-10T07:24:00.001-05:00

off to a new gym this morning to try a kick boxing class. It's a womans only class at a martial arts training centre. I am nervous because I don't know what to expect but my personal trainer assures me that it is a beginners class and I will not have to much difficulty with it..... I'm not so sure.Getting back to Sunday boxing this weekend as well after a few month hiatis, so I am excited to get back out there. Things are going well, I feel more fit and my weight is starting to slowly creep down again.

Can I get an Amen...

2011-12-06T07:20:00.001-05:00

One thing that I talk about alot is my back issues. Degenerative disc desease and all of the problems that have arisen because of this. I have a visable curve in my spine, people always comment that my body is twisted, and most recently my personal trainer advised me that one leg appears to be longer than the other- which appeared to be throwing my hips out of alignment. He recommended I see a Chiropractor who would probably prescribe a shoe insert to level out the length of my legs. Now, I am terrified of the Chiropractor and have avoided going for years and years. The thought of having bones cracked (especially in my back which I have protected for the last 25 years) just made me break out in a cold sweat. BUT, the thought of finding a solution to my back issues made me overlook my fear and make an appointment. My first appointment was last Wednesday....Within 10 minutes of assessing me, the Dr. who is awesome, advised that my legs are the same length, the problem is that my pelvis is torqued. The left side is higher than the right, pushed further to the front of my body than the right, and the left side is twisted as well. Ouch.... he has now done two treatments-not using manipulation, but by using a tool that looks like a big sander, which is powerful beyong belief, and is run over my back, buttocks, hips and legs. I could actually feel the muscles relax. I'm now 3 sessions into treatment and feeling so much better. My body is responding very well to the treatments. The best part is that the treatment is for 6 weeks. I have been told that in 6 weeks, I will see a HUGE difference in the way I feel physically, and how I perform in the gym. I will be stronger, will have more endurance and will be able to work out harder. I am so pleased with this news. I am trying to just take it a step at a time and not think about the fact that there is a possibility - after 25 years of pain - that I could be "fixed" in a few weeks. My prayers have been answered. Can I get an Amen indeed!

A day on the trails (pictures)

2011-10-29T20:46:00.000-04:00

Last weekend I spent a few hours out at a local park, walking the trails and just enjoying the fresh air. It was a beautiful fall day in southern Ontario. The air was crisp, there was lots of laughter and I packed an amazing lunch - butternut squash soup, chicken on foccacia bread, cheese, and olives and banana bread and grapes for dessert. I also dug my old school camera out of a cabinet, dusted it off and took a few pictures. Here are a few of the better ones:

Endurance

2011-10-26T19:39:00.002-04:00

Started a new phase of personal training this week. We have moved into the endurance phase. Mondays I will be doing Olympic style weighlifting (which I have been doing for a bit), Wednesday will be high cardio day and Friday will still be boxing, just ramped up cardio. Monday was fine, I got thought the workout fine. I was feeling great after my massage the night before and was stoked at the fact that for the first time in 2 years, there was no pull in my back when I did the moves. I woke up Tuesday and my hamstrings were sore, and this morning they were screaming at me to not move.... Ouchie, really, really sore - but off to the gym I went anyway. Todays workout started out with two treadmills..... the first at 2.5mph - 0 incline and the second was at 4mph and a 15 incline. For the next 30 minutes I went back and forth 1 min on the "hill" and 1.5 min on the "flat" Man, my hamstrings were killing.... but all the pain aside. I did it, and that made me happy...... next back to the personal training centre - step ups on to a step (pretty low) my goal was to do 35 step ups in one minute. 5 x....... did it, but was spent after the 5th round...... I thought I was done, but my trainer called out..... come on back to the training studio...... here I had to run back and forth across the room one way with a medicine ball above my head and coming back with the ball at shoulder height...... 5 rounds at 2 minutes each.... the pain was killing me.... my face was purple, my shirt drenched but I did my best, I didnt' give up.... I finished with 5 x 30 sec sets of crunches. Man, today was a tough day, but I know that a year ago I would not have been able to do this in the alloted time and two years ago, this would have only been a dream.

Righting a lifetime of wrongs

2011-10-15T11:32:00.002-04:00

This last week has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster for me. (food wise, I suck, but that is a whole different post). I know I've posted in the past about back pain, and the degerative disc desease that has held me back and continues to hold me back. I have been told so many times by my trainer that the muscles in the back of my legs (hamstring) are shortened and tightened because of trying to protect my back from injury for so many years. He has also told me the I have a "tight ass" lol, and then follows it up with "and I don't mean that in a good way". It seems that there is a lot of scar tissue in my back and the facia (sp) in the muscles from my lower back to my hips, buttocks, and hamstring mucsles have all been affected to the point where I have constant pain whenever I work out. The stretching exercises I have done over the last few years have helped but I'm nowhere near back to normal (whatever normal is).Last weekend I decided to book a massage treatment. A very good friend of mine is a massage therapist and has been offering massages to me for years. I finally took her up on her offer because I have been having major stiffness in my shoulders and neck from a. working on a computer all day, b) boxing and doing quite a bit of weightlifting and c) a summer filled with mountain biking ( my shoulders seem to absorb a lot of the shock from the rides) as well as a mishap in the summer where I fell off the bike and jammed my shoulder pretty good. Last Monday, i got my first massage, my shoulders and neck where extrememly tight (I have to stress extremely here) and I also had work done on my hamstring muscles up to my hip/buttock area. Afterwards, I felf pretty darn good, but the next morning I was getting ready for work and BAM- I felt a little pain in my low back area and I knew what was to come. I litereally broke down in tears and was thinking about what I could expect since this has happened to me pretty much at least once a year for the last 30 years. The pain would get worse throughout the day to the point where I could barely walk - my left hip would be twisted upward so that it would feel like it was right under my armpit. I would be unable to lay down in my bed for fear of not being able to get up again.... and the next month or two were going to be complete hell. In actual fact, I did get really sore by the end of that first day, and my hip did feel like it was under my armpit, but I was still able to walk fine, I was able to sleep in my bed and get up without too much trouble and by Friday, I was able to make it back to the gym - and complete a pretty decent boxing session. This to me is victory. All of the hard work at the gym, all of the core work, plank postition, sit ups, bicyles have all been work it because I feel like I may not be able to ever stop my back from "going out" the stronger my core is the more capable I am to manage it and my body is now able to heal better and faster. I mentioned the massage therapy only because I am not sure if the back injury has anything at all to do with my massage - it could be coincidence or it could have something to do with all of the scar tissue, muscle movement etc from the massage. I am going to stick with the massages (once a week for the next month) and see how I'm feeling at that point. I did notice, my shoulders felt very loose while boxing on Friday, and my warm up on the eliptical didn't cause major and instand muscle burn in the backs of my legs. I have spent so many years letting my back problems hold me back and I feel like I am finally ready to do whatever it takes to fix this issue and make me stronger in the gym, and in my life.

Friday recap

2011-10-08T08:59:00.001-04:00

So yesterday completed my first work week on program. I am feeling so much better today after eating well for 5 days. I am going to keep it going. Officially paid for my trip to Curacao yesterday, so I have a short period of time to stay on program and see if I can knock off a few pounds by then. So on Wednesday at the gym, my trainer warned me that he had a brutal workout in store for my Friday session, and in fact when he walked into the studio on Friday morning, before he even said hello he said "Im going to make you puke today" and then broke out into a devilish grin! He wrapped my hands and then told me to put in my mouth guard (which meant I was going to spar) and he placed a ladder on the ground (it basically is a mesh "ladder" that marks out boxes on the floor) I did my warmup grabbed a sip of water, and then it was time for the fun to begin. This is what my set looked like: - doing kickboxing lines (right punch, cross punch, left kick) over and over across the studio 2 times, practicing footwork up and down the ladder two times (high cardio) then doing a couple of minutes of full on sparring (punching and taking punches from him). I think I did this set about 6 times through had a two minute break and moved onto the next set which was: - two times hopping through the ladder (think hopscotch) then immediately into a hard punch,punch kick cycle 5x. I think I did this 6 times in the set. At this point I thought I was done, my hour was almost up. I was crouched down trying to get some air when my trainer comes walking over with a mat - damn, I know this can only mean one thing - ABS..... I had do two ab exercises. The first you make a position like Jesus on the cross (arms out legs straight) and lift your upper body up off the mat. Hold for 5 seconds. Then bicycles x 20. I did this 6 x. After as I collapsed on the bench and tried to get my breathing to calm down I heard myself say "man that was hard - but good-it was really, really good" wtf, did those words actually come out of my mouth- haha. I wore my body bugg and my calorie burn for the 1 hour session was 750...... Brutal Now at this point it was only 8:00 in the morning.... I had to shower, run home change, rush off to work for 10:00 and had a crazy busy morning. By about 3:00 I could barely keep my eyes open and by 8:00 last night, I couldn't fight it any longer - I went to bed..... Calories burned for the day 2750, calories consumed 1100 - difference 1,650 (just under half a pound) This is the kind of numbers I am looking for. In the past I was hitting my burn, but I was consuming the same amount or more. Today, is my Thanksgiving Day celebration..... gotta get through this.

Day 4 on program

2011-10-06T20:06:00.001-04:00

I am holding on. Today was difficult. The smell of french fries and vinegar from my co-workers lunch, the sight of all the dounuts and muffins on display at Tim Hortons this afternoon, and just feeling plain yucky tonight. It's been a pretty hard day. All that's keeping me going right now is, number 1, the fact that I have suffered with withdrawal symptoms all week. I do not want to quit now and, number 2, I do know that I will start feeling better very soon. I am so looking forward to that day. On another note, I am just about to book a vacation to the sunny Carribbean. In about 6 weeks time I will be heading to the Dutch Antilles for a week of sun, sand and sea. While I know I will not be ready to don a bikini by then (lol not even close) I think I can get a good 10 lbs off by then. I made the decision to work out 2x per day every day this week. I told my trainer on Monday that was my plan. I have just been so tired that it hasn't worked out. I am trying to not feel guilty about it. I have put every ounch of energy towards staying on track this week. Next week I will increase the activity. Finally, Canadian Thanksgiving is coming up this weekend, I am trying to get myself into the mindset that I will not waiver from my program. I will stick to meat and veggies and fruit for dessert and ~~1 glass of wine~~ ~~two glasses of wine~~ ok no more than 4 glasses It's 8:00 and I am gonna go to bed! Anything to stop myself from eating.

Set myself up to fail.... but I didn't

2011-10-05T20:18:00.001-04:00

Had a great workout this morning - I have been doing weightlifting..... I think it's part of a lift called clean and jerk, which I know sounds a bit rude lol (pictures follow). Anyway, I came home at 8:30, starving and made myself a protein shake with almond milk and bananas and strawberries. Blended it all up and left the friggin thing on the counter when I left for work...... thank goodness I had an apple with me cause I was so tempted to pick up a bagel to go with my coffee( you know the line- just this once, then back on track, which never happens). So here I sit, 3 days totally on program, with a very limited amount of carbs. I feel good mentally. Physically, well not so much. I am still headachy, and tired, but I know these symptoms will be gone in a few more days. This morning I really struggled with the weights, I believe it's because of the change in eating, but my trainer assured me I just was not focusing.... I think he's probably right(lol he's always right!) Here are a few pictures. In the first two I'm just lifting a 30lb bar, just really practicing correct form(I did 15 reps), then I got a 45lb bar and did 5 reps, then I got 10lbs on the bar and did 5 reps at 65lbs.

Time to Regroup

2011-10-04T21:11:00.001-04:00

Day 2 of being back on track. I cannot remember the last day I was on track for a full day. I am trying to detox my body from sugar and flour and the result has been fatigue, a constant headache, and a really bitchy mood..... I am hoping that in about 4 or 5 days, I will have all the crap out of my system and will start feeling great again. Lots going on in my life, things seems to be changing quickly..... some things are not easy, but in the long run, will help me reach my goals. Looking to get back into posting updates and documenting my fitness accomplishments with pictures. Here we go again........

Look up-way way up. Is it a bird? is it a plane? no it's...

2011-08-12T15:13:00.004-04:00

just me :)

I have been posting in the last week about going zip lining and how I wasn't able to fit and was so upset etc... before I left I read a fellow bloggers post about fate, and whether or not people believed in fate. I personally am a huge believer, and I wrote that her blog post restored my faith in fate.

Thursday, I headed up north with my three nieces, resigned to the fact that I was going to be following them around the park taking pictures and holding their jackets. When I registered for the hotel on line, I also purchased three treetop trekking passes and 3 zip line passess for my nieces and 4 breakfast vouchers. When I checked in at the hotel they gave me a fistfull of assorted vouchers which I passed to my niece. I then came over to the girls and they were all smiling saying I had really "gotten" them by telling them I couldn't zip line. I looked at them confused as they showed my the *4* treetop trekking and *4* zip line passes. Fate seemed to be saying I was supposed to do this even though I was terrified of embarressing myself in front of a group of people if the harness didn't fit. BUT IT DID!

I started out slow and ended up doing two courses in the tree top as well as two zip lines, the second one suggesting that this is the longest zip line in all of Ontario. I was so happy I could have just cried, and I think I did pretty darn good too. Here are some photos(Note: I'm still trying to get a hold of my actual zipline video, and will post it once my niece provides me with it.)

Happy 45th birthday to me indeed!!!!!

Running along....

2011-08-10T11:52:00.002-04:00

This morning I completed week 1 - day 2 of the learn to run program. Wow, running makes me sweat like nothing else. 20 minutes in and my shirt was drenched and sweat was dripping off my forearms.... who sweats on their forearms!!!! I remember when I first started working out I told my trainer "oh I don't sweat" haha I now know it's because I never worked hard enough to sweat. I would quit at the first sign of sweat. Now 5 minutes into my warmup I can feel the beads of sweat on my face.

Eating on plan is still difficult, but I am trying! I am taking it one day (and sometimes 1 hour) at a time..... I WILL get my binge eating under control.

Heading up North for a few days tomorrow. I still have this little voice in my head saying just try the damn zip lining harness on...... it might fit! We'll see.

Week 1 Sans trainer

2011-08-08T12:17:00.004-04:00

For the last 2.5 years I have worked out with my personal trainer at the gym. We have never missed more than 1 week of training together, but he is now gone to Austrailia for 3 weeks. My last training session with him was last Wednesday and to be absolutely truthful, I have not been back to the gym since then (prior to this morning). On top of that my old crappy eating habits have once again kicked in.

confession (look away if you are squeemish): I bought a chocolate velvet cake last week- I specifically went to this particular store because I knew they had better baked goods. So I bought a chocolate cake, Hagen Daz ice cream (I am lactose intolerant!), giant hot dogs and buns to go with it. Then I stopped at the drug store and picked up a bag of kettle chips, and then stopped at pizza pizza and picked up two slices (which is actually equivelent to 4) of pizza.

After eating the pizza and most of the big bag of chips, I was stuffed to the gill, but I went and grabbed the cake and ate a big piece, along with 1/4 of the small tub of ice cream.

I felt guilty (as well as sick) later on that evening and threw the balance of the cake out. (here comes the really gross part) It was in a plastic container and then in a grocery bag (makeshift garbage bag, with no other garbage in it). The next morning I grabbed the cake out of the garbage and ate a huge piece for breakfast- WTF

The balance of my week has pretty much been like that - Eating out, drinking huge drinks and barely exercising- I FEEL LIKE MY OLD SELF - I FEEL LIKE CRAP!

This morning I am re-committing. I went to the gym and did the first run cycle of the couch to 5k run program. 5 minute warm up then intervals of run 1 min/walk 1.5 min for 20 minutes. Then I jumped on the stationary bike for half an hour.

Breakfast was a boiled egg on 1 sl toast with marg, and 1/2 cup almond milk with protein powder. I also went and bought green beans and zucchini and took out some salmon and some chicken for my lunch/dinner for today and tomorrow.

The three weeks without my trainer is a test. I have only myself to be accountable to. It's time to step up to the plate and do this on my own.

Something is really bothering me

2011-08-07T20:07:00.002-04:00

It's been on my mind for days now, but I have been reluctant to post because I don't really know how to put my feelings into words, but let me try.

I feel like I have worked very hard over the last two years to get to where I am today. Now I realize I haven't lost that much weight, but my body size has gone down considerably and my fitness level has skyrocketed. I have been trying to figure out why I seem to be stalled at 240lbs. It's not a plateau or anything to do with my body, I think I have just gotten comfortable with the way I look. I think I look ok and have begun to "blend in" rather that "stick out". I have run a 5k, done a try a tri, climbed the CN tower and have been killing the mountain bike trails- I grabbed my bike and rode along the crowded boardwalk in toronto (which is a huge accomplishment for me because I normally would not even think of doing that for fear or being ridiculed)

That's all pretty great right, but here is the thing. I planned an overnight get away for me and my three nieces this coming week. I wanted to strike something off of my bucket list so I chose zip lining. The girls are really excited to do this with me but..... there is a note in the brochure saying that women who wear a size 18 or over will not fit into the harness. Whaaaaat.. I am currently just fitting into a size 16, but depending on the clothing I still wear some things in a size 18. I am terrified of going and not having the stupid harness fit.... so I have chosen not to participate, but rather go along and take pictures of my nieces as they zip line.... I am so upset because I feel like I have come so far but this just shows me that I still do not fit!

I have decided that rather than take this as a negative thing, I am going to use this as a positive to start losing again. I want to be past the point of having to ever worry if I am over the weight restriction, or if the harness is going to fit. I will go to the park and experience how humiliating and upsetting it is to have to walk the course when I want to be up there participating and I'm going to make a deal with myself that next spring I will be able to get up there and comfortably zip line.

Onwards and Downwards. (just not *down* a zipline)

Out and about

2011-08-01T10:05:00.006-04:00

Monday is starting off great. Acutally I should back up and write that last night I took my two nieces to Chuck e Cheese for an evening of fun. I haven't had the opportunity to spent much time with them so it was loads of fun.

This morning I was up at 6:00 and at the gym for 6:30. I did 15 mins on the tread mill walk/run (actually more walking than running), then 15 mins of stretching. On to my personal training session -60 mins doing TRX training. I was a bit scared becuase I hurt my shoulder on this equipment last week, but today all was good. I am working up to a new crazy hard move. You lie on your stomach and put your feet in the TRX stirrups, then lift off the ground into a plank position. then pull your knees up to your chest and then roll them back out. I barely managed to do 1- huge core component here. But this is going to be constant in my training until I can get through 10. Here is a photo of the starting position(and nope, that's not me- I wish haha)

After my personal training session I hit the pool and did an easy swim for about 20 minutes, then lounged in the sauna, showered and spent another 30 minutes in the massage chair. Now I'm home, had a coffee with milk, two slices of wheat bread, an egg, two tsp of marg and a slice of cheese and I am good to go.

Just waiting to hear from my niece as she is going to go bike riding with me today along the Toronto waterfront. Should be a nice day ahead, with a big calorie burn.

Update:

Back from bike riding along the shores of Lake Ontario in west end Toronto. Beautiful day, blazing hot and lots of people out enjoying the day. The downside is I ended up at a Texas Longhorn Grill and enjoyed a Rita Cornita (a huge margarita with a little corona upside down in it, and I shared an appetizer trio with my niece..... but I think I am done eating for the day, so I think I am still ok.

Anyway here are some pictures of me and my niece from our day out.

Keep on keeping on.

2011-07-31T14:25:00.005-04:00

Wow, it has been such a busy few weeks... hmm let me update some of the going on's:

1. Exercise:Mountain biking: Upgraded to a new park. I knew the degree of difficulty was upgraded by the serious looking athletes in the parking lot. This was a tough day of riding which I did pretty darn good on..... until the 5 mins before leaving when I wiped out ans smashed my shoulder and hip on some rocks. My legs are covered in bruised the worst being a particularly nasty one on my hip, which is the size of a grapefruit.... But I LOVE that trail system. Because of the mountain biking my legs are much stronger these days and my running times have improved. I just feel much stronger when I'm running. I pulled a muscle in my shoulder this week doing TRX training, and haven't felt great since then.... Hoping an osteopath (accupuncture) treatment this week will solve that. My trainer is leaving on Friday for 3 weeks vacation so I need to push myself hard while he's gone.

2. Work: I was presented with an award at work this week - A principles in practice (PIP) award. Considering I am covering a mat leave which is a higher level than I am currently doing makes me very proud of my achievement. It makes me happy to know my bosses are recognizing my hard work.

3. Personal: I am on vacation for the next two weeks - I have also challenged myself to lose a large amount of weight in the next month. I plan on pushing myself to the limit for 1 month and see what I can accomplish. I am not going to post any numbers because I don't want to set myself up for failure, but will post whether or not I reached my goal at the end of the month. It's also my birthday on Tuesday. I am turning 45. I totally do not feel 45 (and I don't think I look it either). I took a picture yesterday before going out with some friends to celebrate(posted below). I couldn't help to notice how healthy and happy I look. I see that sparkle in my eyes again. No major plans to celebrate, however I am looking into booking a night away with my three nieces next week at a spa/hotel/ adventure park where I hope to ZIP LINE for the first time ever. Whoo hoo picture will follow!

and here is a comparison pic from when I started to today:

Exhausted

2011-07-20T08:52:00.002-04:00

I remember my life not too long ago when I was tired all the time from just sitting around doing nothing, fast forward to the last few weeks and I haven't had a moment to myself. Last Friday boxing, saturday mountain biking, sunday- boxing, Monday: weight training, tuesday - mountain biking, today - running.

Tomorrow is my rest day, so I won't be going to the gym or working out at all. Hopefully I will be able to catch up on some sleep.

Today I worked out with my trainer in the empty covered parking lot at the mall where my gym is located - It was really hot!!! I ran the perimeter of the parking lot 5 times (2.5k) then did a bunch of running drills (around cones, backwards etc) and then he set out a 40 meter distance and I had to do sprints (think 100 meter dash). I was surprised at how I was able to accelerate. My first attempt was 6 seconds (my trainer was hoping I would be under 15) My average time for the 10 sprints was about 10 seconds. Not to shabby for a 240lb 45 yr old ;) I still keep saying to myself, imagine what I could do if I were 50lbs lighter...... One of these days I am gonna get it all together.

Mountain Biking - First time out

2011-07-03T07:30:00.002-04:00

Saturday was my first time out on the trails on my new bike. It was a beautiful morning and the park wasn't too busy. I have to admit I was feeling a little bit rusty out there, since I haven't been on a bike since last summer pretty much. At the park you get killed right from the get go as you climb a steep hill right from the parking lot to the main road - I had to stop for a sec and catch my breath. Then there is another hill (off road) that is a bit rocky and very steep. I had to push my bike up part of this. So by the time I got to the main trail, I was already tired.

After about 10 minutes, the burn in my legs dissappeared and my breathing shallowed and we hit an off road loop - the trail is pretty rocky, there are hills that are covered with rock and tree stumps and there are areas that are smooth but have sharp inclines. My bike was fantastic on the rocky areas. My old bike was a leisure bike so it had thin wheels and no treads and I use to get knocked around on these trails - my new bike has nice thick wheels with solid treads and I just breezed through the rocky areas. The only downfall was that because of the treads I find I am a lot slower on the smooth areas and I get more timed because it takes more effort to move the bike. I guess that really isn't a downfall though because I'm probably burning more calories. So we rode yesterday for 90 minutes and covered approximately 20k of trail.

Looking forward togetting out there again next weekend. Right now my focus is moved to today. I am going boxing.

Happy Canada Day!

2011-07-01T23:37:00.002-04:00

Fantastic Canada Day today spent with some good friends out in Milton Ontario. Did a walk down to the fairgrounds where we did tons of walking in the hot sun and then came back to make a beautiful BBQ of pepercorn steak, grilled zuccini and peppers and an amazing Californian wine to go with it. Then we walked back to the fairgrounds to listen to the live band - A BeeGee's cover band and then watched the fireworks..... lots of sun, lots of walking and lots of fun....

Now I am gonna catch some zzzzzz's before heading back out there tomorrow for some mountain biking- Can't wait

My new ride -

2011-06-30T18:49:00.003-04:00

So I decided to buy a decent mountain bike. I enjoyed hitting the trails around home last summer and I just wasn't getting the full experience with the bike that I had. Plus because it didn't have any shocks, my arms and shoulders would be so sore by the time I was done. So here is a picture of the new bike.... I am hitting the trails tomorrow for the first time this season and am very excited. I plan on taking my camera so hopefully I will get some photos. Happy Canada day tomorrow. I hope you all celebrate our wonderful country and all the opportunities it offers us. To all my friends south of the boarder, happy 4th of July on Monday. Enjoy your day!

Weekend Cook a thon

2011-06-26T16:35:00.004-04:00

I am trying something new (again). I find it so hard to cook during the week, and because I am only cooking for myself, I got into the habit of making one or two dishes on the weekend and then eating the same thing every day (sometimes the same thing for lunch and dinner).

I decided to pull out a meal plan that I received a little while ago and prep my meals for the week. Whatever I have for dinner, I will make a double portion have for lunch the following day. The meat products have been prepared in their marinade(or with the filling in them) and then frozen without cooking, so I will just take them out of the fridge and pop them into the oven. Here's what I made:

-chicken with sundried tomato pesto
-salmon with crunchy walnut topping
-steak and mushrooms
-brocoli slaw (dressing on the side)
-green beans with orange shallot sauce (sauce on the side)
- Mixed veg and cucumber salad (dressing on the side)
- egg omelete bake with cheddar and Canadian bacon and tons of veggies
- strawberries and blueberries cut up and portioned in baggies(to be topped with kefir yogurt)
- mini watermelon, cut up into chunks

Phew, makes me tired just looking at this. I froze about 8 portions or the chicken and 8 portions of the salmon, so I should have sufficient amounts to last for 3 weeks, plus I tripled the veg/canadian bacon mixture and froze the other two portions to use in the weeks to come. I feel really good now knowing that I have everything I need to be sucessful for the next week.

Yesterday my niece came over to drop off a gift for me... her and her sister were shopping and saw the perfect bag for me. It's a nylon type NIKE bag, that I think doubles as a backpack but written across the bag is " pick a fight" They both looked at it and thought of me and my boxing..... so I am now using it to keep all of my boxing stuff in. I love getting gifts :)

:)

Boxing Video

2011-06-11T08:26:00.005-04:00

I have written a lot about my new found love of boxing. It makes me feel strong and athletic and powerful. It's funny though because I will not look at myself in the mirrors when I box. I am afraid to see that my body, does not match the way I feel when I am boxing and I will lose the confidence that I feel when I am doing combos with my trainer. Anyway, the one hour boxing sessions I have been doing every Friday for the last two years have been my absolute favourite workout. On Friday morning I took in my camera and filmed bits and pieces of my workout. I really just wanted to see what my boxing form looked like to see where I could make some improvements. When I was done with my workoutI watched the video and was absolutely shocked to see what I look like. Shocked in a good way. In watching the video I can finally see the athlete I am becoming. I did not see the flaws in my body, I only saw the strength. I LOOK DARN GOOD! Yesterday was a wonderful day. Here is the video:

Planning a 45th birthday gift

2011-06-05T19:27:00.003-04:00

I was thinking today about my birthday coming up this August. I will be turning 45 and I sort of want to do something totally out of the ordinary for me. An idea has been rolling around in my head for some time, in fact is is a bucket list item, and I think this year may be the perfect year to.......

SKY DIVE or ZIP LINE

Arrrrrrrgh, this makes me break out in a sweat at the very thought. The idea came to me while thinking of the most terrifying thing that I could think of to do, and that is to jump out of a plane. This idea was reenforced on the Biggest Loser this season when the contestants faced their fears in New Zealand by doing all kinds of crazy stuff- jumping from buildings, rock climbing, zip lining and bungee jumping. The confirmed all the reasons that I had for doing something like this, facing my fears head on and most importantly concuring them, also someone mentioned they were jumping into a brand new life.

I think about the benefits that pushing myself outside of my comfort zone all the time. So many times I have felt afraid to do something and all I have to do is turn to look at the CN Tower visable from most points in the Greater Toronto Area, and I am reminded the I climbed that monster last year. If I can do that, surely I am capable of hurling myself out of an airplane right? right?

21 day food challenge

2011-06-04T09:55:00.006-04:00

Still hanging in with the food challenge. I can say that my weight is dropping quickly. I'm not sure if is just the water weight or the IBS symptoms that have been in high gear, probably from all of the vegetables I have been eating over the last 4 days. As of this morning my scale is showing me down 8lbs in 4 days. Crazy right. I have however been eating enough food and even managed to go out to a restaurant one of the 3 days where I ordered cedar plank salmon, no rice, and a double side of veggies. I think I may gain a few lbs of water once my body adjusts to this new way of eating and everything stops going right through me, but so far so good.

The down side is that because of the lack of carbs in my diet, I was feeling rather lethargic, so I am definitely failing in the 35km of exercise part of the challenge. I did manage two great workouts on wednesday and yesterday - yesterday being a boxing session that was way over the top. My puches are so much stronger these days, my cardio level is up to the point that I don't need a long break in between rounds and when kicks are added into the mix (which they often are these days) I am not ready to collapes at the end of the round. I am just waiting for my energy to return, which I'm sure it will now that I have added some carbs and fruit to my diet. I have never enjoyed brown rice more than I did last night with my dinner.... and the slice of pineapple that I had with todays egg breakfast was devine.

I am hoping to get down to the boxing club that I worked out at the last few Sundays. Tomorrow they are holding a fight afternoon, all female card, and many of the women I have seen and been inspired by at the gym ate on the card, include the fight that I am most interested in seeing - two 180 lb over 40 female fighters. Seeing these women in the ring is confirmation to me that it is possible for me to get there.

I feel like I am back on track now, my mind is clear, the binge eating exercises I have been doing seems to be kicking in and my weight is finally going down again.

Onward and Downward.

exercise count: 12.25/35 km

Another week, another challenge

2011-05-31T08:04:00.006-04:00

21 day Challenge

Food goal for day 1-3 no carbs, lots of veggies, protein, but no fruit

Day 4 -7 small amount of carbs, but no pasta, bread or potatoes

Week 1 exercise goal - weights 3x week + 35 km of cardio (anything but bike)

Day 1
- breakfast - ground beef with zuchini and onion (1/2 cup)
- lunch - same as above, but with tomato and onion salsa
-Dinner -ugggggh more of the beef an zucchini, baked broccoli with roasted pepper.

Exercise - 4.0km/ 35

Today - on target

Back at it

2011-05-29T11:39:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was a really hard day for me. I ended up giving myself the day to just say "fuck everything" and just let myself be upset. I didn't track any food, or think about exercising, in fact I spent most of the day checking to see if I got an email from a certain someone, (which I didn't and don't really expect to).

Anyway, I got an overwhelming craving for chocolate cake in the afternoon, and tried over and over to put it out of my head, but couldn't, so I went and bought a packaged chocolate cake mix and a can of icing and came home and made a cake. I fully intended to eat the whole damn thing, you know in a stuff down your pain kind of way. Then I realized after eating two pieces, that I was still upset, still in pain and I need to feel the pain in order to let it go. I then did something that I NEVER would have done in the past - I threw the rest of the cake out. Gonzo....

I am strong, and I can get through life's sad moments without turning to binge eating - oh yes I can :)

Today, I am going to a cooking class which focuses on cooking for weight loss and can incorporate gluten free and dairy free options. Looking forward to getting out of the house and learning something new.

Not being good enough

2011-05-28T13:50:00.004-04:00

"Moving on is simple, it’s what you leave behind that makes it so difficult."

How can someone be so perfect for you in every way except that their actions, no matter how unintentional, continue to make you feel like you are not good enough.

I hope walking away is the right decision. Right now it doesn't feel that way, but I guess time will tell...

Lesson #4- another letter to myself

2011-05-23T18:44:00.004-04:00

This lesson was more about telling the not so thin self what you think of her and then writing back to the thin self telling them what you need from them.... I think the whole thing is getting to know yourself....

Dear not so thin me:

Ok, I know I was a bit harsh in my last note, I have actually quite surprised at how angry I was with you. The truth is, I see you as such a good person, I know your family and friends adore you, and I just want you to be confident and love yourself. I see how proud you are of the changes you have made to your body so far, you have inspired others to try and change their own lives and you have accomplished so much in a relatively short period of time. I just think this your time, this is your window of opportunity and want to finish this journey strong. I want you to join me here on the other side where you are strong, fit, are able to wear the most fantastic clothes, and not so thin me – over on this side you will be able to wear the hot stylish high heel shoes too! I know how much you long to wear them J When you join me over here on the thin side, I just know you will be content – truly content, I’ve seen your self confidence soar in the last few years, I just know that is the tip of the iceberg for you. I really am tired of seeing you struggle in this life- you know, letting weight be the one factor that decides almost everything in your life. I want the issue of weight to be a NON factor in your life, so that you can use all of that energy enjoying every moment of the new life that is waiting for you over here. Come on over not so thin me, I am waiting for you and if anyone can do this, it’s you.

Dear thin me:

Thank you for the kind words. I too was a little bit taken aback by the harshness of your words, but I do understand how frustrating it must be to watch me struggle with something that truly looks on the outside to be a simple problem which can be remedied by not eating as much. I do appreciate your words and can tell you that yelling at me and making me feel small is not the way to get me over to the thin side, I need you to be a cheerleader for me, keep re-enforcing the fact I am worth it, I can do it and I will do it. Give me a little push in the mornings when I don’t want to get up and go to the gym…. Be that little voice in my head telling me I really do not need that piece of cake or the second serving. Help me to see myself as beautiful, smart, funny and capable of doing this, and most importantly keep reminding me that I am worth it. I deserve to be the best possible me that I can be and that I am so going to love the freedom that being thin will bring me….. Yes, thin me, I believe it is finally time to unshackle the chains that have held me back for so long….. together, I think we can do this.

A course in weight Loss-Lesson #2

2011-05-08T16:08:00.006-04:00

(SWEAR WORD ALERT) I don't want to offend anyone - Lots and lots of f*bombs* in this post.....

Working my way through a binge eating book called A course in Weight Loss- 21 Spriitual lessons for surrendering your weight forever by Marianne Williamson. My all time favorite quote is from a book by Marianne Williamson , so when I saw this book I picked it up. It does have a slightly religious undertone, but seems to deal more with giving over your fear to a higher power, whatever that higher power may be to you.

Anyway today was lesson #2 and what I needed to do was write two letters, one from my thin self to my not so thin self, and then one from my not so thin self to my fat self. What I found is that the anger that I feel towards my not so thin self- the self loathing that I have felt for so long really came out in the letter from my thin self. At first I thought this may be a bit too personal to add here, and then I realized that it is true and honest and when I first started a blog it was so that I had a place to write down my raw feelings.... here it goes:

Dear Lardo:

Just what the hell do you think you are doing? Why are you continuing to stuff your fat fucken face with a bunch of shit that you know is not going to get you to your goal of being thin. You say you want this so bad, you work out in the gym and sweat your ass off, then walk around for the next two days sore as hell from working out so hard and deal with reoccurring injury day after day, month after month, for over two years now yet you are still 240 fucken pounds… Don’t believe them when they tell you that you have gained a lot of muscle and that’s why your weight is not going down. I know and you know its not true. You are burning 600 calories at the gym and then eating 1000 calories of pure shit on top of your regular calories for the day.

I know it’s hard to change into a person who you don’t really know how to be. I understand the thought of coming out into the limelight and getting attention can be scary- look I know you have lived much of your life in the shadow of others, always trying to stay under the radar. I know the thought of having attention cast your way, especially from men is hard since you have spent so much of your life pushing men away. I also know the thought of having a man be disgusted by your fat, scarred body is scary but remember, you learned how to live as a 280 lb woman and yes, you were able to keep a low profile, get by with just a few close friends, never really try anything new and exciting and keep the men away but can you say you have been happy? Absolutely fucken not. You feel like a failure most of the time, like life is passing your fat ass by. Who the fuck goes to the Caribbean and is too fucken scared to get up and walk down to the water in a swimsuit because she doesn’t want people to laugh at her fatness- who the fuck does that really- pays 1500 fucken bucks year after fucken year to go and sit on a chair on a beach, sweat your fucken ass off and be too afraid to walk down to the fucken ocean because your fat…It seems that everything you have ever done has been done half assed and now you have the chance to break free of the chains and live your life the way you want to live it, as an athlete and you just don’t have the fucken guts to do it! Who cares if you fail at something, everyone fucken fails. Failing should just give you the strength to push a little bit harder until you are successful. You are nothing but a fucken coward!

You know that I love you but come on, this is the opportunity of a lifetime, the closest you have ever gotten to really, REALLY becoming an athlete and living the life that you have always wanted to live….

Do you remember middleschool when the ugly little fuck used to walk past you every fucken day and yell out “laaaaaaardo” when he walked passed you. Do you remember how ashamed and embarrassed you were- huh do you remember lardo? Do you also remember how amazing it felt when you finally decided to stand up for yourself- Remember grabbing the little fuck by the shirt collar and smashing him into a locker? I’m sure his feet were off the ground! Remember the look of fear in his eye when you told him if he EVER said that to you again “he was dead”! and do you remember how for the next year and half, that scared little fuck was your FRIEND and said hello to you when he passed you in the hall. That took a lot of guts, I was truly proud of you for standing up for yourself. You can do this, you CAN change your life. Stand up for what you really want out of this life and fight.

Love you always,
Your thin, athletic self

Dear thin, athletic self

I know a lot of what I do does not make sense to you, really how can it. Sometimes I think that the damage done to my self esteem since I was a little kid is not repairable at this time in my life.

It’s true that the fact that I have always been fat so I have never really had high expectations for myself. I know that’s sad to say but that is how I have felt. Growing up I was the only fat kid at school, and although I didn’t get teased too badly It was always clear that boys were not interested in the fat girl…. I remember being in grade 3 and playing kissing tag – I kept running, and running and running, but there were never any boys chasing me to kiss me. Same with high school dances, nobody ever asked me to dance, eventually I just stopped going and found a job, so I would have an excuse for why I couldn’t go. I have been told by a boy at around age 10 that I had a pretty face and should consider losing some weight so I could find a boyfriend, and was given an elephant puppet by a boy as a joke gift, have had boys stick their head out of a passing car and tell me that I would have to walk all fucken night if I wanted to lose some weight(I was out for a walk to get some exercise) and I have, for many years seen a look of disappointment in my thin athletic fathers eyes telling my that he is ashamed of me.

I have watched both of my sisters make horrible mistakes with men. I’ve seen them place all of their self worth in the hands of the men they were dating or married to, and I have seen the devastation caused by tragic events caused by both of them. I think in a way I was so disgusted by my sisters’ need for a man in their lives to feel worthy, that I rebelled and decided that I didn’t need a man – I could find my own happiness and a way to ensure this was to pack on the pounds. I have made some headway with this though thin athletic self. I did meet a terrific guy and dated him for over two years before realizing that I was looking for something more serious that he was, and while we are no longer dating, I have learned that there are good men out there, and I also learned that do want to love and be loved. I am making some headway then although there is still something that is holding me back, just not sure what!

Please don’t give up on me thin, athletic self. I feel that in the last two years I have come into the light after living in the darkness for so long. I still have a way to go but I am learning more about myself every day. I am going to figure this out and make you proud – I promise.

Signed,
Your not so thin self.

Check in

2011-04-30T09:28:00.002-04:00

Thursday stats
calories in: 1116
Calories out: 1761
Daily deficit:645
Weekly total deficit: 5473

Friday stats
calories in: 1550
Calories out: 2836
Daily deficit: 1290
Weekly total deficit: 6763

Highlight of yesterday was my workout in the a.m. 30 minute warm up (dynamic warm up and some jogging) and 60 minutes of kickboxing and I burned a wopping 750 calories.... niiiiice.

Today I am planning out some meals for the next week, and I have to go buy a mouthguard. I am hoping to get enough courage to step into the boxing ring tomorrow and don the head gear and mouthguard and do a bit of sparring. I was going to do it last week but chickened out the last moment. lol

Thursday results- and my first pound lost

2011-04-28T06:54:00.001-04:00

Yesterday's results
calories in: 1112
Calories out: 2658
Daily deficit:1546
Weekly total deficit: 4828

Well as of yesterday I have surpassed the 3500 calorie burned mark, which should make me down one pound. Since when I step in the scale my weight is down 4lbs I would assume that either 3 of those 4 lbs is water weight or the body bugg is totally inaccurate and I am burning way more calories than what it says I'm burning. No matter, I have been eating well, not really hungry at all, and I have not had a binge episode all week (or even thought about binging to be perfectly honest)

I'm still waiting for my binge eating books to arrive. I am looking forward to reading more about this. It would seem to me that I almost *want* to be able to label myself as a binge eater. I have been thinking about it and I think if I could put a label on myself, admit that I have an illness called binge eating, it would free me from the shame, guilt, and self loathing I have felt for not being able to lose weight. I don't even know if that makes much sense, but I am going to figure this out. I've said it before, this is the missing link to becoming a healthy weight, I am going to get there (and stay there this time)

Daily results - and an update

2011-04-27T20:20:00.003-04:00

Yesterday's results
calories in: 1668
Calories out: 2063
Daily deficit: 395
Weekly total deficit: 3282

Today was a good workout day. 90 minutes first thing this morning, and then 30 minutes tonight - calorie burn should be around 2700 which is pretty much on track with what I'm looking for.

I am feeling a bit tired today though. I will get to the gym tomorrow and do a bit of a walk and then hit the pool for a 30 minute swim. Focus, Focus, Focus.

Daily track

2011-04-26T08:10:00.004-04:00

Yesterday's results
calories in: 1192
Calories out: 2596
Daily deficit:1404
Weekly total deficit: 2492

So by the end of today, my deficit will add up to a 1 lb weight loss. I think maybe I need to actually see the numbers in front of me, rather than the points system used for w.w. Hmmmm at least I am once again focused on weight loss.

Yesterday I (me who does not do veggies very well) made baby bok choy to go with my salmon and rice. I also roasted a butternut squash and had some of that too. Oh and I bought a new fruit (new to me)called a dragon fruit. It was really good!

I do feel like I am going through some withdrawal symtoms today though. I feel a bit tired, have a massive headache and just feeling achy all over. I hope this is from the sugar withdrawal.

I didn't make it to the gym this morning, but I will try to get in there tonight to at least walk on the treadmill. My body is sore from TRX training yesterday, and tomorrow I will be doing circuit training, and my very first spin class tomorrow night.(thanks for the little nudge Tanya!)

Switching gears a bit

2011-04-25T20:09:00.004-04:00

Yesterday's results
calories in: 1140
Calories out: 2228
Daily deficit"1088
Weekly total deficit:1088

I have been spinning my wheels for quite some time now and decided to cancel my w.w. memebership. I have been doling out $50.00 a month and haven't been to a class in months nor have I been using the on-line tracker.

I am going to try an simplify things and see where that takes me. I have joined the Live Strong site, which has a great format for tracking food and exercise and I also pulled out my body bugg again to track calories burned. I am simply tracking calories in vs calories out and see if I can get my weight loss started again.

I've also done some research into binge eating disorder and ordered some books that deal with this, so I hope to put into words some thoughts about this once I start reading.

I know there is a way to break through whatever barrier is keeping me from losing weight, I just need to figure it out already...

Self doubt, PMS and some awesome news

2011-04-15T22:13:00.003-04:00

So today is Friday which has become my favourite day of the week. Not only is it the final day of the work week but it is also BOXING DAY for me at the gym.

So today I arrived late, so did not have time to do my recomended 60 minutes of cardio prior to my Personal Training session. This was mistake #1. My trainer was pissed mainly because I was late on Wednesday as well and we didn't work out on Monday, so I have been lacking in the cardio department and he has worked very hard over the last month to increase my cardio.

Anyway we start our boxing session and he was unusually quiet today. I am thinking he was mad at me and all kinds of self doubt crept into my mind. Fear that I am failing him, letting him down - letting ME down. Now add to the mix the fact that I am PMS'ing and I generally don't get bitchy, I get weepy-lol. Fast forward to round three, I failed to keep my gloves in front of my face and BAM, I got punched in the nose. Now it hurt, but not that badly, but at that moment all my self doubt, fear of failure, and fear that I was just no good overwhelmed me and I broke out in tears. Finally, I pulled myself together and got back into it and finished the boxing portion of the session...

I hit the mats to finish my core training (sit up) session when my trainer was standing over me and said that I just completed my absolute BEST boxing session yet! WTF!!! ! I know there is a lesson buried in here somewhere but I have yet to figure out what it is.

Oh and the awesome news that next week is the grand re-opening of the gym that I go to. Thay have been renovating for about 6 mos now. My trainer asked me to come in next week for the grand opening as he wanted to "showcase" my kickboxing. I'm not quite sure what this will entail but I do know that I am pretty darn excited (and nervous) to go and fight in front of a group of random people..... Hopefully I will inspire someone to take a chance, to stand up to their fears and go for it.

"You either move toward something you love or away from something you fear. The first expands. The second constricts."

Drive by posting

2011-04-14T07:16:00.002-04:00

Just wanted to document something new I did at the gym yesterday. My trainer promised it would make me feel really, strong. And it did. I started with a 5lb hand weight and basically what you do is start in a squat position and pull the weight up in the air, over your head, arm straight, while you go into a lunge position and then straighten up so that you are holding your arm(and the weight) straight up and standing straight up. I was struggling to get the motion down when I realized that the 5lb dumb bell was the problem.... was it too heavy????? Nope, it was light as a feather- lol That was a real eye opener for me.

So we increased the weight to 20 lbs and I did a set of 5 with each arm. Then increased the weight to 30lbs and did a set of 5 with each arm. THEN increased the weight to 35lbs and did a set of 5 with each arm. Over the next few weeks I will work my way up to 45lbs. That is just crazy (but in a good way). I will try and get some photos next week to add them to my blog.

Friday I box :)

Oh what a difference a couple of years makes

2011-04-10T08:22:00.004-04:00

Today I am going to try out a new gym with a friend of mine. Now this is a womans boxing club that is co-ed on the certain days, and my friend is one of the few men that take advantage of this. So I have been wanting to get down there for a while now and it seems today is the day. I have been boxing(and kickboxing) with my trainer once a week for pretty much the whole two years I have been training with him and realized that I am sort of in a comfort zone at my gym. I pretty much know all of the faces that are there and don't feel nervous in the least. This morning I sit here, feeling excited about going, a little bit nervous, which is natural, but not feeling that paralyzing fear that I used to feel.

Below is my blog entry from Jan 2009 when I walked into my gym for the first time. Going back and reading these entries, is always a reminder of how much I have changed. There is still lots of work to be done, but this after all a journey, not a race.
http://journeytofindtherealme.blogspot.com/2009/01/taking-chance.html

Wild and Wonderful workout

2011-04-06T20:40:00.002-04:00

WOW is all I can say.

Today I warmed up with a half hour of run/walk intervals, incline walking and then the stationary bike, followed by stretching. Then is was time to work.

I had two different fitness challenges to complete. the first was three sets that panned out like this:

- 80 squats, jump on a machine and do 50 pull ups, followed by 40 push downs, off the machine, grab the skipping rope and do 100 skips.

- 60 squats, 40 pull ups, 30 push downs, then 100 skips

- finally 40 squats, 30 pull ups, 20 push downs, then 100 skips

the next challenge was as follows;

- 60 sit ups, 100 skips
-40 sit ups, 80 skips
-20 sit ups, 60 skips
-10 sit ups, 40 skips

I was a big ball of sweat when I was done, completely exhausted, but at the same time I felt amazing and strong and athletic, and PROUD.

Friday I box :)

St Jacobs market

2011-04-02T21:58:00.002-04:00

Spent the day at St. Jacobs market today. The weather is finally changing and it is getting warmer. It was nice to spend the day out with friends in the sunshine with lots of laughter. Exercise is going well. My arms and back and shoulders are tight today after an amazing boxing session yesterday. I am getting stronger, I can feel it. Food wise. I suck! nuff said.

Toronto Juno awards

2011-03-28T20:14:00.003-04:00

So yesterday afternoon, I found myself standing outside of the ACC in downtown Toronto. My Niece was part of a flash mob that took part in a red carpet performance by Shawn Desmond (I think that's his name). So it was freezing cold and I stood there with my sister for about 4.5 hours we had a laugh and a half. Plus we saw some great Canadian music icons. I only knew the old peeps though.... Getty Lee and Alex Lifeson from Rush, Bareneaked Ladies, Neil Young, Blue Rodeo, Brian Adams all passed withing 20feet of me.... I even managed to lock eyes with Drake - lol

Here is my Juno picture:

Tales from the gym.

2011-03-25T18:48:00.010-04:00

today I was doing a new weightlifting move. I have attached a video of me doing the easier version. When I hit the floor, my knees are on the floor and I push out in front of me. After doing this 20 times, my trainer asked me to do an advanced version, so when you get to the ground you don't put your knees on the floor, you just push out into a push up position, then actually do a push up. So I tried it once, did it well, got a little cocky, and then it happened. I was doing good until my arms got sore, and when I got into the push out position on the floor, my arms got tangled under my body, my hip bone got smashed into the dumbell and my legs went flying in the air, and I did a face plant. In fact I think I have rug burn on my cheek.... I think I'm too old for this shit! haha

Dinner Challenge

2011-03-22T20:58:00.000-04:00

Out tonight with some girls from work and I was a bit worried about trying to find something low carb. I ended up having a brutal day, missed breakfast, had a tiny Greek salad and a piece of salmon for lunch, so I wasn't too worried about dinner. I ended up getting a lunch item (enchaladas, with black beans, chicken, cheese) and a small side salad, oh and a margarita....(lol, it was cheap margarita night) Not really a low carb night, but I was still within my points and didn't leave feeling bloated and gross either. Now I have no dinners for the next few weeks, yay.

Workout pictures

2011-03-21T20:04:00.001-04:00

I have been wanting to get some photos of my workouts, but have not been able to get any... until now that is. My trainer took some pics of me doing TRX training. I should add that in the push up position, I actually had to do pushups, and in the other position I was doing rows.... really tough, but a great workout. Notice how hight the bar is off of the ground. It was hard just to get up into that position, harder to hold the position, and crazy hard to do a push up

Pre-cooked meals-

2011-03-20T11:26:00.001-04:00

I have come to the conclusion, (ok so maybe I have finally admitted to myself, that I am lazy when it comes to meals). I live alone so it's not like anyone else is depending on me for dinner. On top of that I don't get home from work until 7:00, and I'm just not going to get started on preparing a fresh, healthy dinner. I have been struggling to try and change my habits, but it has been leading to failure more often than not.

The last few weeks I am trying a different approach. I basically have been spending most of Sunday shopping for ingredients and preparing meals for the week. For now it feels right. It's nice to not have to think about food all week long. I make 2 main dishes and 1 breakfast choice and then just swap it out all week.

This weekend I made a baked pesto chicken (a bit high in points, but good), breakfast casserole(in the oven right now), a big Greek salad, and one more entre yet to be determined. I am doing a two week detox from carbs, so there are no carbs in my diet this week.

Here is the breakfast casserole:

And here is the pesto chicken:

Hopefully this will make things a bit easier, all I have to do is grab and go, no thought required :)

Boo :)

2011-03-19T13:17:00.000-04:00

Wow time sure does fly.

Time has certainly gotten away from me these last few months. I started a new job at work (covering a mat leave for 1 year) which I absolutely love but it has taken up a lot of time and energy. I realized that I started putting less time into ME and putting too much time into work.

My diet has been a bit unrestricted over the last few months. Last week I had a weigh in at the gym and weighed in at 240, so I while I haven't made any progress, at least I have remained the same weight wise. I have continued to work out hard and have fallen into a routine of working out for two hours on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, sleeping in on Tuesday and Thursday and then getting in some sort of activity at least one day on the weekend. This has been working for me so far.

I have officially signed up for a sprint triathlon on September 4 of this year. Swim- 750m, bike 20k, run 5k..... I am going to try to put as much effort into training for this as I have put into my job for the last 3 months.

I will try and post more often. I know I always do better when I am posting.

weigh in

2011-01-23T20:18:00.000-05:00

I weighed in yesterday morning and was hoping to get back into the high 230's but alas TOM messed me up. I did manage to lose 1 pound, so not to bad. Today my weight showed down another 4 pounds, now that TOM is over but it usually will go up a pound or so in the next few days. My weight fluctuates so badly it's not funny. Everything is is plugging along... start training for my new job this week, my knee and back are finally healing after two weeks of brutal workouts, hoping to straighten out some other areas of my personal life this week so that I can fully and completely focus on my weight loss.

*sigh* why does this have to be so hard sometimes!

Movie- The Kings Speech

2011-01-17T20:36:00.001-05:00

Well I was trying to put off seeing this at the theatre but ended up going to see it yesterday. It's the story of King George VI who was a stutterer. I knew it would be a an emotional trip because I would be re-living just how hard life has been for my Nephew. He is 27 now and has stuttered since he was 4 or 5. It broke my heart to watch the fear and humiliation that he went through. It was also uplifting and the speech therapist who treated him was amazing. It was so weird to hear them name characteristics of people who stutter: mostly males(check), mostly left handed(check), often knock kneed (check), usually starts stuttering at age 4 or 5 (check), often has some sort of traumatic experience (ummm father committing suicide - double check).

There was also a part that mentioned that if the stutterer had someone speaking the same words at the same time(think two people reading the same line of a poem together) they wouldn't stutter. Well this part of the movie had me bawling uncontrollably.

I have been looking into a new aid that is basically like a hearing aid that makes the stutterer hear their own voice, at a different pitch in their ear. Apparently it creates that 2nd person speaking in unison and tricks the brain into not stuttering.

This used to only be available from a Dr. in NYC, but I have now found that there is a Dr. in a city an hour away that fits patients with it..... Before I mention it to my Nephew I want to talk to my Dad and sisters to make sure we are able to afford it, it cost about 4-5k, but I am sooooooo excited. To think that in a few weeks, he could speak without a stutter just gives me goose bumps. Please do me a fovour and keeps your fingers crossed, or say a prayer that this device works for Jay.... thanks.

Something is really bothering me

2011-01-16T09:55:00.002-05:00

"Don't you dare think about quitting" Biggest loser quote

I have written that the intensity of my workouts have been increased in the last few weeks. Last Monday I did a weight cycle for my upper arms, shoulders, and back. I woke up in the very early morning in extreme muscle pain. I have been sore before, but this was almost unbearable, make you cry, pain. The pain was the same in both arms so I know I wasn't injured, just sore. This pain did not go away completely until Friday.

On Wednesday, I did a weight cycle for my lower body, and so on Thursday I woke up and was sore from head to toe basically. The other thing is that I have been running on the treadmill 1.5 miles before each workout, which is doing a number on my knees.

By the time Friday came around, I was tired from not sleeping properly, and also sore. I did my 1.5 mile run and then it was time to start my boxing workout. The long and the short of it was that I sucked, totally sucked, I was slow, and couldn't punch and I was doing a lot of foot work which was hurting my knees. My trainer was upset with me. Basically he said I am not working out hard enough and I am unable to do certain things because I am too heavy. I was sooooo upset. I was thinking that I was working so hard, especially the last two weeks. It was just a huge blow to my spirit.

Yesterday morning I woke up, most of the muscle soreness was gone, but my lower back was killing me, and both of my knees were swollen and sore. I spent most of the day with ice packs on my knees and back and was popping advil.

The thing is, I think my trainer is right. I do work out hard, but I only go 3 times a week, perhaps he sees that I am capable of more. I know for sure that my weight is hurting me. I need to work 100% harder on dropping some weight.

So today, I am sucking it up, I am going to buy a brace for my knees so I have some extra support. I am going to lower my carb intake this week and go to the gym every day.

No more excuses, no more feeling sorry for myself, and no more binging.

NOTE: I have no resentment at all to what my trainer said, he spoke only the truth, it was as if he said what my inner self has been saying to me all along.

Ha ha, a model in the making...

2011-01-10T20:21:00.000-05:00

So my friends convinced me to send my photos in for the plus size photo session. Now this is not for a change in career or anything, it is simply a photographer who is doing a series on plus size woman and is asking for volunteers. If I was to get some great FREE professional photos taken of me, and that is all that comes of it, that's great. Now I was in a big rush and really have no idea what you are supposed to send as a face shot or body shot, so here is what I sent. I actully didn't cringe at my full body shot which is a miracle in itself... haha

Not too bad I suppose...

On a final note, I had my interview today and it went fantastically well...... I should know by the end of the week if I got the job.... Fingers crossed please.

Plus size model with a fantastic new job????

2011-01-09T18:01:00.000-05:00

So I wrote last week that I have healed the inside of me over the last two years and now I am ready to change the outside. I feel in my soul that 2011 is going to be a huge year for me and, well it may very well be starting out with a bang.

- On Friday afternoon, | received an email from my boss inviting me to a job interview on Monday afternoon. A co-worker is going on mat leave and they are looking for someone from our department to take on the responsibility of covering her desk. Now her job has little to do with what the rest of us do and she is actually a level higher than me (senior law clerk- I work as a law clerk, but am basically self taught, no formal education). Word in the office is that both my boss and the VP, whom I will be working with, want me for this job. Knowing this I decided to take a chance and apply for it. Part one down, I got an interview!

- I have a secret desire to have professional pictures taken of me before I lose my curves. I love the pin up style photographs, nothing racy, just sexy, and I "liked" a local photographer on facebook, thinking that some day I will have enough guts to actually book a session. Well today I saw that she is looking for plus size models to do some photography work, no experience necessary, just between size 14 - 20. There is no age requirement either. I am going to send in a head and body shot.... Never in a million years did I ever think I would do this, but I thought, what the heck, I have nothing to lose. I write this not out of conceit at all but more about this being proof to myself, that I have learned to love myself, and love the curvy body I have been graced with. So with that being said, I will send off my pictures tomorrow and see if this 44 year old broad can begin a new and exciting career- lol

Back to weight watchers I go...

2011-01-08T17:01:00.001-05:00

I made my way back to weight watchers today after missing the last 3 weeks. Three weeks ago a had a horrible weigh in - gained 8.5lbs (yup in one week). I pretty much didn't follow any type of plan over Christmas (although I didn't go crazy) and on January 1, on got back on track- following the new weight watchers program. Today, I am down one pound from my weigh in 3 weeks ago. I will take that! So my official weight today is 241.4. This is my 2011 start weight and my goal for the last weigh in of 2011 is 190. Now that is about 1 lb per week so it is totally do-able. The thought of having a "1" at the beginning of my weight is a bit surreal, but I'm ready, and I am going to do it right - eat healthy, exercise, and try to be happy.

I am trying to slowly incorporate new, delicious, and healthy foods to my diet. I hit Costco today and these are some of my finds:

Cheese, individually wrapped - 3pts a piece

2: Acai juice - Heard a lot about this- going to give it a try

3. Almonds, I am going to dry roast them - I package 18 per day.

4. Speedo. Yay, I have never been able to find one in my size (18) Just added the goggles and swim cap for the effect :)

Dear Lord, He wasn't kidding

2011-01-07T19:01:00.000-05:00

Last week my trainer advised me that my workout intensity was about to increase. I think his words were "I'm going to kill you in the gym" He was not kidding. Here is what I did today in my hour and a half session:

- run/walk cycle on the tread mill 1.5 miles in 25 minutes.

- Skip 20 times, then 20 jumping jacks, then 20 strides….. did this 5 cycle 5 times

- Kick boxing set. In between sets instead of resting, I had to do a cardio set to practice footwork. (50 mins of this)

- 5 minute cycle of Polish boxing (high cardio)

- Intense sit up cycle to finish it out.

My entire body aches. I truly think that this is just too much for me to handle….. we will see

720 pounds..

2011-01-05T08:49:00.000-05:00

Is the amount I leg pressed this morning at the gym. I did part 2 of my fitness test today and it was all about strength. I was able to increase the weight on every single machine that I was tested on. I don't remember all the numbers but I do remember the leg press number, because it was so high. My previous test, I leg pressed somewhere around 500, so to get up to 720lbs just freaking amazes me. Today was the first day going in early. I did 1.25 miles on the treadmill and some stretching prior to my training session.

Eating was good yesterday, finally back on track. However, after todays workout I am starving... going to have a poached egg on a slice of brown bread and get a move on to work!

243

2011-01-03T09:16:00.001-05:00

Is the number that I saw on the scale this morning at the gym. My trainer and I are starting fresh, and I have agreed to do whatever he tells me to do to be sucessful this year. I think I've mentioned before that my personal training sessions are paid up until October of this year and I'm not sure I can continue beyond that point, so this really feels like my last chance to complete this.

So my weight is back to 243. I did a fitness test today, and most of the numbers/times, reps, were better than my last fitness test a few months ago, so I am definitely on the right track. I generally train 3x a week with my personal trainer for 1hr each session. He wants me to come in 1/2 hr earlier on those three days. So I will be working out from 6:30 until 8:00 Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings. I will be on the treadmill from 6:30 until about 6:50 and my goal is to do 1.5 miles on the treadmill. I will have 10 minutes to rest, drink water, and stretch before my regular workout begins. Oh yeah, but beginning wednesday, these will not be regular workouts. I was warned several times that my workouts will be ramped up, he is going to kill me in the gym. Make me work out harder than ever before. I am scared, but I am also excited. I am no longer afraid that I cannot do it - I know I can and I look forward to the challenge.

Now in order to balance these workouts, I have agreed to listen to his advice regarding food. Basically on the days before my personal training sessions I will be eating fish(salmon), brown rice and broccoli for dinner, a healthy lunch, and healthy breakfast. I have agreed that I will "eat no crap" on the days prior to my workout, it has to be super healthy or else I will not make it through the workout. I also promised to eat some protein in the mornings before working out. I will ~~try~~ do this! I also plan on going to the gym on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday and at the very least, doing 30 minute sessions. I am waiting for them to re-open the pool so I can get going on my swimming. It has been closed for renos for a while now.

Last night I saw the movie "the fighter". I just loved it. Since I have a new found love of boxing, I was able to draw so much inspiration from what the main character is able to achieve. At one point, in between rounds (he is losing the fight badly)his brother tells him to go and fight for all the bull shit they've had to endure for their whole lives- all the pain, all the suffering, fight for pride. I just loved this part, in fact I found myself clapping in the theatre at one point because I was soooooo into the fight scene- haha, I am such a dork!

For me, it all comes down to pride now. I really need to just get this done, the only thing holding be back is me, but that is about to change.

Onward and downward!

Let the fun begin... errr continue

2011-01-01T10:51:00.000-05:00

I am just downing my first cup of coffee and watching weight loss themed television. Today is the first day of the rest of my life - I used to have this posted on the wall in my bedroom growing up. I remember my uncle coming to visit us from England. I had grown up receiving presents from him each year, but didn't meet him until I was in my late teens. He was in the British army and had his arm blown off by a hand grenade during WWII. He came home damaged and never really recovered. He lived in the family home in London, never married, never travelled, and really just lived his day to day life in his tiny little neighbourhood. After my family travelled to England in 1985, we were able to talk my Uncle into coming to visit us in England. His fear, as we later found out, was that because he only had one arm, he could not buckle his seat belt or use a knife to cut his meat, on the airplane. Anyway, when he finally came he stayed in my room and he came out to the kitchen that first day and mentioned that he really loved the quote I had posted on my wall... It truly was the first day of the rest of his life and I believe he decided at that moment to start fresh. In the following years he sold the old dingy house in London and bought a lovely little house on the coast, and visited us every year up until his death a few years ago. We can change, we can start fresh and today can be the first day of the rest of your life.

Last night I was at a NYE party at my uncles house (this is an uncle on my Dad's side of the family, the West Indian side - very different haha). It was such a crazy night. I danced from 10 oclock when I got there, until 3 o'clock when I left. So much fun. Last week I was at the mall and on a whim walked into a shop that had tons of glittery silver and gold party clothes. I ALWAYS wear black - you know because it is slimming right. Anyway in an effort to change, I bought myself a glittery silver top and felt like a million bucks last night.

New Years Eve- a look ahead...

2010-12-31T15:26:00.002-05:00

"you have to heal your mind and your heart before you can heal your body."

So here we are again, New Years Eve, a time that we can wipe the slate clean and get a fresh, new start. In the last few days I have been thinking about what I accomplished in 2010. Now on the surface I wasn't feeling like I accomplished much in 2010, mainly because my weight is pretty much the same now as it was at the beginning of the year. I was thinking that I failed but then started to really think about the year. In 2010, I climbed to the top of the CN tower in Toronto, which is the 2nd highest freestanding building in the *world* (over 1,700 steps and 140 flights), I also competed in, and completed a try a tri (mini triathlon). Not only was it a cold and rainy day, but I faced my fear of being judged in front of a group of people and swam 375m, followed by a 10k bike ride and finished it up with a 2.5k run. Thinking about completing the tri took me back about 10 years, watching my friends compete in a triathlon and I remember a friend asking me if I would ever do one. I didn't even think about it, I just answered absolutely not, I would never, ever in a million years be able to do one.... and 10 years later there I was- crossing the finish line. On top of this, I have faithfully attended every training session at the gym, 3x a week every week for a year. I have lifted 180lbs, I have biked a full marathon (26.2miles) on a stationary bike, and I have kick boxed my ass off.

I started off this post with a quote "you have to heal your mind and your heart before you can heal your body.". I have long believed that in order for me to change my life, and become the person that I feel is the real me, I needed to heal my mind and my heart. The best part about this year, is that I feel like I have done this. For the first time in my life I feel like I am *enough*. I am pretty enough,interesting enough, strong enough, good enough, funny enough. I no longer live my life feeling inferior to everyone around me. I have lived my entire life remaining tight in a bud, and I feel like in the last year I have given myself permission to blossom.

In closing, I think it is fair to say that 2010 has been a huge sucess for me, I feel like I am moving into the final phase, changing my body on the outside into a size that enables me to reach my fitness goals in 2011, oh and do I have some goals for 2011. I am going to complete a full triathlon, and I am going to get myself into tip top kickboxing fighting shape. The best thing for me is that I think I have inspired my older sister. She plans on quitting smoking, she joined a fitness center and is going to start a running program. We have decided to do a 5k together in October (CIBC run for a cure). Yup, 2011 is going to be a fantastic year!

Happy New year everyone!!!

Fantastic workout

2010-12-17T18:52:00.002-05:00

Just wanted to document my workout today. I have been wearing my bodybugg to calculate my calories burned. Today I went in early and did about 15 mins run/jog intervals and another 5 uphill walking, then 30 minutes on the bike, Then I had my training session so did another 10 minutes of walking to warm up again. In this timeframe I burned about 300 calories. Then I started my boxing session, which I must say is getting more demanding each week (in a good way) A lot of hard punching combos and foot work (high cardio) in between. After that I did some Polish boxing (running on the spot and punching upward- kills the shoulders) and finished off with a few sets of crunches (my trainer punches me hard in the abs to make sure I am crunching properly, if I don't it hurts). Today when I was done, I was exhausted.... every ounce of energy was left in that workout. I am proud that I didn't give up. I didn't give in to the burn..... My calories burned for the 1 hr boxing - 900. So for the two hours I burned 1200 calories, which is just under the calorie allotment of food that I have per day.

I am feeling pretty good about this :)

Resistance training

2010-12-15T20:39:00.004-05:00

First day of my vacation today, and I still had to wake up at 6:00 to train at the gym. I totally didn't mind since I am more of a morning person anyway. Todays training was something new, something different and was extrememly challenging. I spent the last hour googling to find out the name of what I was doing and I had to wear a resistance training belt, which had resistance bands (I believe there were about 4 or 5) that attache to the belt. My trainer asked me if I would wear the belt, which I thought was nice of him, I said I would as long as it fit and I didn't look like a pig in a fit....lol

Now I was basically running while my trainer pull the opposite direction, thus causing the resistance. My goodness, this was brutal. My chest felt like it was going to explode and my legs were burning, but my God, I did it. Here is picture to demonstate what it looks like:

Now at one point when I felt absolutely done, and was bent over gasping for air, my trainer turned my body so that I was facing the mirror, then layed on the ground in front of me (so that I could see my reflection) and pulled on the cords, which cinched in the belt around my waist. My waist looked TINY. He reminded me that this is what is underneath the fat, this is the real me. I swear, I worked a little bit harder from that point on. :)

So I also did some lunge stretches and some sit ups to round out the hour, plus 10 minute running to warm up (half mile). After my training session, I hit the stationary bike and did a 10 minute (4 mile) interval on the bike, then jumped off and hit the mat and did some leg stretching, followed by plank position. Then back to the bike etc. So I did 30 minutes on the bike and about 15 minutes on the mat. In all I worked out for just under 2 hrs and burned 800 caloris. And the best part is.... I am going to do it all over again tomorrow.

quote of the day..

2010-12-14T20:54:00.002-05:00

"I have plenty of fear. You just have to be able to go in the face of that fear. Don't let the fear paralyze you. If I didn't have fear I wouldn't be human."

Kyle Garlet (from cancer survivor to heart transplant recipient to Ironman)

Expecting a huge gain and progress pic

2010-12-11T10:19:00.006-05:00

I have had a horrific week weigh watchers wise. The new program is up on the weight watchers sight and since I do not yet have the new material, I gave myself permission to not track, and eat everything in my path. I am also switching over to winter clothes today so I am expecting a gain in the 8 to 10 lb range. Now I did not eat 35,000 extra calories this week, but I did eat lots of salty, snacky food as well as carbs, carbs and more carbs combined with basically no water this week. Anyway, I feel like shit and cannot wait to start the new points plus this week.

(UPDATE: I gained 8.4lbs..... holy crap-a-roonie batman...... )

In order to make myself feel a bit better, and at the request of a friend for progress pics, I took a few new photos this morning in my gym wear. I actually like the way my body looks. My body is starting to feel really strong and looking at these pictures I can see that my body is starting to LOOK strong. My stomach is looking flatter and I can see that I am turning into the athlete that I sooooo desire to be. Here are the pictures:

oh, and here once again is my "before" photo

Happy Birthday Daddy- o

2010-12-09T20:19:00.005-05:00

Today my Dad turns 74! He spent the day putting up his Christmas tree and was up on a ladder hanging christmas lights on his eavestroughs in minus 14 degree weather! Born in a tiny Caribbean island of St. Vincent and the Grenadines, and raised from the age of 11 in the Dutch speaking island of Curacao (he went to a tutor and spoke fluent Dutch, and Papimento, the local dialect, within a few months). He learned to race bicyles there and found the love of exercise. Lifting weights and road racing, he was a fit, strong athlete.... until he got hit by a car and broke both collarbones!

After his racing dreams ended, he moved to England at 19 where he picked up a wife and had a daughter (my Mom and sister) and then on to the great white North- Canada. He went back to school to learn a trade, worked long hours to provide for us but still had time to make us an ice rink in the back yard every winter, and put in a pool for the summer. In his early 40's he learned how to skate and then joined a mens hockey league, where he learned to love the game. He watched the love of his life die from cancer, and found love again with a much younger woman, has recently taken up golf, and smoking cigars and loves to do pilates right along with the infomercials, when they are on t.v.

Happy 74th birthday Dad. You have always been and continue to be my hero :)

(btw. yeah in the picture above, I would be the kid with the cubby tummy- lol)

Saturday weigh in

2010-12-05T13:22:00.002-05:00

After Meeting Update-
Start weight - 250 lbs
Current weight - 233.8
Weekly loss- 3.4
Loss to date- 16.2

After missing a few weigh ins, I went yesterday and was happy with the results. Down 3.4lb for a total lost since August of 16.2. This averages 1.2 lbs per week. NEXT STOP THE 220'S

This week marks the real beginning of the Christmas season for me. Yesterday my 9 yr old niece called and asked if she could come stay over and do some Christmas baking. Well I ended up doing the baking and she did the tasting- lol. I made thumbprint cookies, peacan puffs (these are pure heaven), date squares (bombed), and a huge pot of chili. This morning I woke up and made a banana bread and mini quiche. Now of course I tried a couple of cookies and squares. I packed up the entire banana bread and most of the cookies for my sister and her family and will take the balance to work tomorrow.

I spopped by my older sisters house yesterday and she told me she is losing some weight and going to the gym every day. I asked if she had quit smoking(she is a heavy smoker) and she said that is next on her list, we talked about it and she agreed that having a goal for next year that would make her not want to smoke would help. Soooooo, she has tenatively agreed to do a 5k run next October. The CIBC run for a cure (for breast cancer). Yay, this makes me so excited and happy. I am going to start working on my younger sister now to train for the 5k. I would love nothing more than to do this, the 3 or us together.

Onward and downward

My Ass 1 ... Burgers and doughnuts 0

2010-12-02T20:27:00.003-05:00

The battle of me vs junk has been intense for many years, with more often than not, junk winning. Today two huge gingerbread houses were delivered to work, and were sitting on the counter top on the other side of my workstation (where I could smell all of that gingery yumminess.) Then someone had the audacity to place a huge box of Timbits ( mini doughnuts for those who have never been graced with Tim Hortons sinfulness) on the same counter. I managed to survive without touching any of that (even when left alone in the office for over an hour knowing that they were sitting on the counter.

I almost caved on my drive home though, when the most delightful smell of home cooked burger wafted into my car. There is a stretch of truck stops along this particular road and I KNOW they make the tastiest, most lovely home made burgers and oh the onion rings are to die for. My car inexplicably started to change lanes slowly getting nearer to the entrance to the restaurant from where the amazing smells originated. Somehow I managed to ask myself (this was said out loud) that a burger and rings was not going to get me to my goal now was it. What did I REALLY want - a burger and fries right now.... or to compete in a sprint triathlon next summer. I was no longer under the spell of the burger and rings...

MY ASS 1 Burgers and doughnuts 0
(the never ending battle rages on)

Christmas Wish list

2010-11-28T12:44:00.004-05:00

I am putting up my Christmas tree today. As I was busy moving the branches about, and getting the decorations ready, I started to think about Christmas and what do I really want for Christmas (as family and friends have been asking for weeks now). I really and truly do not want anything. I have never been big on the commercial aspect of Christmas. I get the most pleasure out of socializing and re-connecting with friends and family that we rarely get to see during the busy year.

The only thing that I want is to succeed in becoming fit and healthy. Then an idea began to form in my head. I am not one to set any goals for myself because I tend to feel horrible when I fail, but I thought it might work wonders for me if I actually set a goal and rather than assume I will fail, push myself harder than ever in order to succeed, hmmmm now there is a thought that is foreign to me- lol.

So my goal is to lose 10 lbs by December 31, 2010. My starting weight is 237.2 so I need to see my weight get down to 227.2 by the end of this year and will put me in a good position to get to start off my new block of personal training sessions in January. I will be on vacation from the middle of December until the end of the year, so I should have a lot of time to spend at the gym and planning healthy meals. I will continue to remind myself that the holidays is about catching up with friends and family, and is NOT about overeating.

Has anyone else set any challenges to keep you on track over the holidays? Have you in the past? Has it worked? Post a comment and let me know.

Sunday cookoff

2010-11-28T11:50:00.005-05:00

Well I was up early this morning preparing some meals for the week. Some are just sides, like plain old brown rice, some are breakfasts like steel cut oats. I want to document this more for myself going forward to get some ideas for easy things to make, and also to remind myself that I always do much better when I prepare for the week on Sundays :)

1. Brown rice and steel cut oats. I will be eating each of these in very small quantitites.

2. Mini Quich cups with red pepper, mushroom, spinach, onion, cheddar cheese a bit of centre cut bacon..... 2 cups = 1.5 w.w. points

3. roasted sweet potato and chicken, with bacon, rosemary and onions and garlic. Serves 4 at 6 points per serving

Back to Basics

2010-11-27T20:18:00.004-05:00

I have been hit with many financial burdens in the last month. Helping my niece out with college, paying for 2011 full year gym membership, Christmas, and all the normal struggles that we all face financially. Then this week, I found out that there is a Dr. in my general area who fits patients with a hearing aid to stop people from stuttering. My 25 year old Nephew stutters and has since he was about 5. He is not in a financial position to pay the 5k required for this hearing aid type device but I know if it could stop him from stuttering it would change his life. I told him in the New Year we will put together a plan to get him this device. And finally, my personal fitness sessions are almost done. For a week now, I have seriously considered not continuing with my trainer, but finally decided that I need to finish this journey. I am signing up for 100 hrs of training which will start in January and end in October of 2011. Financially, I will have no money to do much else in the next year but decided that's ok, cause it will give me more time to spend in the gym.

This has got to be it for me though. I have to give this next 11 mos everything I have got. In the two years I have been on this journey, I have changed so much. I am so much more confident in myself. I now walk with my head held high, and know that I am fantastic. I am beautiful, and I deserve nothing but the best out of life. Now, the only thing I want to prove to myself is that I am an athlete. I gave up on athletics when I was about 9 because I felt I was too fat to be an athlete. Now in my 40's I am going to prove that I am an athlete.

In January I am going to sign up to do a Sprint Triathlon in September of next year. That consists of a 750m open water swim, a 20k bike ride and a 5k run. This is double the distance I did in June of this year. My goal is to put everything into training for this which means I will probably focus a lot of my blog towards my training in order to keep me motivated. I am not too worried about the 20k bike (although the course is up will most of the first 10k) and although the swim portion almost stopped me dead in my tracks last June, I think I can manage it. It is the 5k run that scares me the most, so that is what I will need to focus on the most.

I am hoping that in the process of getting to the tri, I will be able to get to my goal weight, or at least pretty close to it.

So here I go again.

Saturday cook off

2010-11-20T14:09:00.010-05:00

I woke up this morning with a splitting headache and decided not to go to weight watchers this morning. Weigh in on my home scale showed me down 1.5lbs though. This week took a bit of white knuckling to stay on track. I am still trying to marry the idea of weight watchers points with the low carb/high protein plan that has finally started to show me some sucess.

So today, I am preparing for the week, mostly high protein, low carb dishes, that above all else does not include extra lean ground beef (LOL, have been eating a lot of this the last 3 weeks).

So far I have made breakfast quiche to go, which doesn't look too pretty, but tastes good, full of protein and veggies and no carbs. Plus two of these suckers are only 1 w.w. point. They also have low fat cheddar cheese in them. What could be better. Here is a picture or two:

Next, I made a pan of sweet potato rounds, with onion and rosemary and olive oil:

Finally, a co-worked mentioned she made chicken breast baked with a slice of bacon on it, and it was fantastic. I was buying groceries and that popped into my head. Then I saw turkey scalopini(sp) in the store and also got some centre cut bacon (1 point for two thin slices) and an idea started to form. I mixted together hummus (jalepeno hummus cause that's what I had) with 1/3 cup low fat cheddar and rosemary, and put a dollop on the turkey scalopini, then rolled it up and put a slice of bacon on top. Then I wrapped it all up in parchment paper and it is in the oven right now.... and it smells devine. The best part is each roll (I made 5) is only 4 points:

Just looked at the pictures of the turkey and it doesn't look very appetizing - lol. It tastes absolutely AMAZING though. I plan on pairing it with broccoli, and a bit of brown rice for dinner a couple of days this week.

Weekly weigh in and a Happy Belated Rebirth-Day

2010-11-14T17:20:00.004-05:00

After Meeting Update-
Weight Watchers Start weight - 250 lbs
Current weight - 237.2
Weekly loss + 0.8
Weight Watcher Loss to date- 12.8

Total Loss(start date JUN 08 276): 38.8

Not too sure what happened this week, my food intake has been on track, the only difference is that I have been just stretching at the gym, no hard core cardio workouts. I will up the cardio this week and see what happens.

November 8 marked my 2 year anniversary of quitting smoking. The best part for me is that I forgot the date and this signifies to me that smoking truly is no longer a part of my life- thoughts of smoking never cross my mind,and I do not crave a cigarette - period. I have taken a moment today to think about my decision to walk into a hypnotherapists office and be open minded enough to think that being hypnotized could help me to quit smoking. It worked and I will always think of that day (even though I forgot it- haha) as my rebirth- day, that was the beginning of change for me, that was the first step.

So, Happy Rebirth-day to me :)

Thursday Ramblings

2010-11-11T19:21:00.002-05:00

Today I went into the gym for a little cardio workout. It's funny, but with all the stretching I was actually starting to miss running. I hit the treadmill and did a fartlk. I warmed up for two minutes with a walk, then ran one minute, walked one minute, ran two minutes, walked one, ran three minutes, walked two, ran four minutes, walked two, ran three, walked two, ran two, walked one, ran one, walked four to cool down a bit. So in all I ran for 16 minutes and walked 14 for a total of 30 minutes. My lower body feld a lot better today, no pain, no soreness, and I was able to run even the longest 4 minute interval without gasping for breath, so that was good. Keeping in mind my run intervals were all at 4.2 mph, which really is a slow jog, but I will work my speed up. Then I jumped onto the bike and did a 6 mile, 15 minute ride. All in all a pretty good off day workout.

This afternoon I went to visit my cousin who just had a tummy tuck operation. Now she is a tiny little thing (like about 5 ft 2 and wears a size 5) but she has had 2 babies which both stretched the skin on her tummy and separated the lower abdominal muscles and stuck out like a tummy. She did not feel good about her body and after trying very hard to rectify the situation with exercise, she decided to do the tummy tuck. I got lots of information from her about what is is like and the pain level etc.... Other than the first couple of days, it really didn't sound all that bad. I'm not entirely sure I will do one, but it was good to know that if it is an option I decide to pursue, I have someone who can guide me along the way.

In all it's been a bit of a crazy day, and ended with a mindless binge by me tonight. I found a box of fibre one bars in my cupboard and decided to open it and have one.... ummm yeah. I ate all 6! That is 600 calories and 12 points. I am going to just count it and forget about it... it's done and it shouldn't hinder my weigh in this week as I am still within my points. My tummy is really rebelling though....

There is no greater joy in life....

2010-11-08T19:29:00.005-05:00

Than being able to touch your toes, am I right? You see when I started working with my trainer two years ago, he asked me to bend over and touch my toes or to go as far as I could. I was able to touch my fingertips to my knees. Thats it!

While I have progressed in strength and cardio, I was a bit slower progressing in the flexibility department. So last week my trainer put all other training on the back burner and we began stretching for a full hour, three times a week for 3 weeks. I have slowly gotten better and better. Today I was able to sit on the mat on the floor and reach over and touch my toes. Now I have to bend at the knee and then slowly bob my legs until they are just about straight, but to me that is close enough. I tried again tonight to reach down and touch my toes, and yup I can do it.

To me this represents hope. I never in a million years expected to get any relief from my back pain, or leg pain when I started exercising with my trainer. All I was looking for was weight loss. What I got was a brand new lease on life, and if I, who could not bend forward and touch her knees, can now bend over and touch my toes, then what else is possible.... the answer my friends is ANYTHING.

Onward and Downward

Weigh in and update

2010-11-06T21:11:00.002-04:00

After Meeting Update-
Start weight - 250 lbs
Current weight - 236.4
Weekly loss- 2.6
Loss to date- 13.6

So another good weigh in this morning at weigh watchers. I am officially done my two weeks hard core, no carbs and was down 6lbs in two weeks. I am happy with that. At my gym weigh in on Friday, my trainer confirmed that 4 of the 6 lbs lost is fat with the other two being water. This means that I did not lose any muscle mass, which is great news.

So, now that the cravings are out of the way, I can concentrate on phase 2, I am going to slowly re-introduce carbs and fruit back into my diet and see what happens this week. I will have fruit once or twice a day and a serving of carbs (only 1 serving) on the weekends. I may change this up, depending on how my body reacts. Eveything will be complex carbs though.

My actual workouts have been suspened for 3 weeks while I partake in an extensive stretching program with my personal trainer. I was actually able to touch my toes while sitting with my legs out straight in front of me, which to me is a miracle. I bought a foam roller today to work on loosening up the muscles in my lower back and backs of my legs. It apparently has the same effect as doing deep tissue massage therapy, so I will give it a shot. I did some at the gym and I do know that it is very painful, but the results make it worth while. If you are wondering what this is, here is a picture.

Plugging along

2010-10-31T10:01:00.005-04:00

Made a huge pot of Chili yesterday, mostly veggies, but with a bit of extra lean ground beef. Points work out to 2.5 points per cup, which isn't bad at all as I find it very filling with all of the veg.... I should be able to get by on 1.5 cups for lunches this week. I am missing fruit this week. I cannot wait to get to the grocery store next weekend and buy some fruit. I still do not miss the carbs too much, and the weird thing is that food is not constantly on my mind like it used to be.

What was on my mind yesterday was Hurricane Tomas that was scheduled to hit the tiny island of St. Vincent and the Grenadines yesterday afternoon. You see, my father was born and raised there and while I do not have any immediate family living there, I have a lot of relatives there. I know how tiny the island is and the thought of it being hit by this hurricane had me pretty upset. Many cousins who live there were posting on facebook yesterday morning and then the posting just stopped. I later found out that the Government shut down all of the power on the island as a safety precaution.

This morning we have received word that everyone seems to be ok. Apparently there is millions of dollars worth of damage, roofs torn off, trees crashed into houses, but thankfully the centre of the storm passed just between them and the island of St. Lucia. This could have been much worse. They say the storm is now picking up intensity as it moves towards Haiti. Hopefully it will not hit them, they have already had to deal with so much.

Here is a picture of the spectacular island of St. Vincent(If anyone saw the movie Pirates of the Caribbean - much of it was filmed in St.Vincent )

Official weigh in (weight watchers)

2010-10-30T13:21:00.003-04:00

I was down 3.4lbs, which is great, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't dissapointed. Anyway, as long as I keep losing, I am happy.... Here are my stats to date:

After Meeting Update-
Start weight - 250 lbs
Current weight - 239
Weekly loss- 3.4
Loss to date- 11

Off to do some cooking for the week.

Had a weigh in at the gym this morning and......

2010-10-29T18:47:00.004-04:00

I was down 6.5 lbs since my last weigh in at w.w. two weeks ago. Hurrah, I have moved well into the 230's which I have been trying to do for over a year. Tomorrow morning is my official weigh in but I'm quite sure the scale there weighs me lighter than the gym.

Onward and Downward.....

Carb Free day 4 - scale woes and progress pic

2010-10-28T20:56:00.002-04:00

Today I was worried about being able to stay on program with a pot luck lunch at work. Well I am very happy to say that I stayed carb free.... Mind you I had a small piece of KFC chicken, just made sure to remove all traces of the skin and coating, had a black bean and corn salad, which i separated out the corn and pushed them to the side with the chicken skin... There were lots of great looking things including lots of desserts, but I mananged to keep my eye on the prize.

I have a pair of dress pants I bought about 6 years ago when I reached 228lbs (on a previous weight loss attempt) I never actually fit into before I gained back all of my weight. Today I wore them to work and they fit perfectly. i know I am nowhere near 228 yet, but I must have lost a bit for them to fit..... they are a size 16 .... Now I have written before about ditching my scale into the trunck of my car so I couldn't obsess over the scale right.... well tonight I grabbed it from the truck to take a peek at how far I have come.... well I dropped the scale on the parking lot (concrete) floor plus it has been pretty cold out which I assume would play havoc with my scale. Well I hope so because it is weighing me 10lbs heavier than I was at my last weigh in two weeks ago... Arrrrrrgh, the damn scale is going back into the truck tomorrow..... after I check my weight one more time in the morning.

I have notices a change in my arms and shoulders recently, and I find myself staring at them when I am drying my hair or looking in the mirror... Tonight I took a picture of what it is that I am seeing and I am just loving the definition I am getting in my arms and shoulders. Here is a picture (please don't mind the bags under my eyes or the ratty tank top I am wearing lol...

Day 3 Carb Free and Fitness Test part Deux

2010-10-27T19:44:00.002-04:00

Still hanging in with the no carbs. I feel strangely satisfied today. No hunger pains, no cravings and still within my weight watchers points for the day. Tomorrow is a huge challenge as we are having a pot luck at work. I glanced at the list of things and there are not very many good choices... In fact I may end up eating a small piece of KFC chicken (I know it's a potluck, but the lawyers always bring KFC) with the skin removed and some salad and veggies. Other than that not much to report. I am feeling lighter and am tempted to retrieve my scale from the trunk of my car to see what I weigh in at..... but I will wait until Saturday and my official weigh in.

So today at the gym was part two of my fitness test. This one dealt with strength exercises. I can remember all so I will just make note of a few things. Pull up (on a pull up machine) last time I did 11, this time I did 25...leg press -I topped it out at 290lbs, which is what I did last time, although because my back was hurting me we didn't hit "muscle beach" and the big boy weight machines to see what I could do.... finally, we hit the arm press( which I think is equivalent to doing a bench press only you are pushing the weight out in front of you) So last time I did 135, and this time I did 185..... Now I thought that seemed like a decent amount and a pretty good weight so I asked my trainer if that was good.... his response" ah yes it's good, how many girls do you know who can press 185lbs" hehehe, finally redemption from my less than stellar cardio day!

Feeling good about everything right now, just trying to find my groove and I know there will be no stopping me...... "the real me" is so close now, I can feel it

Onward and downward

Day 2 carb free

2010-10-26T20:38:00.003-04:00

Still within my weight watchers points ( used 2 weekly ponts) and still carb free. I am feeling a little bit of the effects of withdrawing from carbs- cranky, slight headache, a bit tired, but then it is rainy and yuky here so that could also be the reason.

Food wise - today was a pretty much a repeat of yesterday except instead of eating lettuce or spinach, I ate brocoli slaw. Not bad. I am giving myself some time to get used to this new way of eating and can't wait to start trying some recipes.... My co-worker has already opened my eyes to how much better roasted almonds are to regular almonds, as well as the fact that tzaziki sauce is very tasty as well as being carb free and low in points.

Last night or this morning I woke up recalling a dream that I was having.... I was at a market and was lining up to buy a raspberry pie and beef patties.... the line up was around the block, but I didn't care, I just wanted me some carbs.... lol Dreaming about them is ok, as long as I stay away from them while awake....

Does anyone have any experience with the South Beach diet- either good or bad? Somebody told me that it is a bad idea and that I will be forced into a state of ketosis and basically my body will start to eat my mucle mass. I truly think that doing no carbs for only two weeks will not cause any damage and it it gets rid of the cravings and binges, then I am all for it. Any thoughts are welcome (as always)

Monday Update

2010-10-25T19:04:00.005-04:00

So this morning at the gym, my trainer surprised me with a fitness test. Damn, I didn't have time to worry about it all weekend... haha. After my 1/2 mile run to warm up we hit the rowing machine. I have not been on this since my last fitness test 8 mos ago. The goal is to do 1000m in 2 minutes or less. Last time I did it in 2 min 14 sec and was totally exhausted. Today I did it in just under 2 minutes. I was tired i.e breathing hard, but had energy to spare. Next step ups. The dreaded step ups. In two minutes I did 41 step ups. Last year I did 51, and the benchmark is 71- blarge, that sucked. Next back to the treadmill to do a 1 mile run...after th step up disaster I kicked it up a notch- or tried to anyway. I finished 1 mile in 14 minutes flat.... previous time was just over 17 minutes. I was disappointed in this simply because I have workes so hard on building my cardio.

I told my trainer that I was feeling discouraged that I only beat my time by 3 minutes and then he told me what my time was the very first fitness test I did two years ago.... wait for it......40+ minutes. So in the last 8 months I shaved off 3 minutes, but in the last two years I shaved off a mere 26 minutes. WOW, I like that a lot better.

Next it was on to pushups which I totally suck at. Could only do 11 vs 17 last time. And finally I did the plank position for 46 seconds vs 31 last time(these are just approximate as I totally forget the times)

Today was also day 1 incorporating South Beach into my weight watchers plan. So far so good. I was actually on target for my daily points and felt like I ate a ton of food. Here is a breakdown without the portion sizes (cause I'm too lazy to look them up)

m1: two egg omelette with canadian bacon and shallots

m2: cheese string

m3: spinach leaves, cucumber and tomatoes with grilled chicken on top with a drizzle of oil and balsamic vinegar.

m4: 15 almonds

m5: taco salad - extra lean beef with mushrooms and taco seasoning, over a bed of spinach leaves and fresh tomatoes. Add a couple dollops of low fat sour cream and 1/4 c of low fat cheese. I just finished this and feel full, full full.

Now I am off to the gym to do some stationary bike riding. My goal is to burn 3000 calories per day and I need a second workout to be able to push me over that mark

Biggest Loser 7 - Bob's Freakout Extended

2010-10-24T18:20:00.001-04:00

My favorite Biggest Loser moment

Changing things up again

2010-10-24T14:24:00.005-04:00

I am continuing on my never ending quest to find out what works for me. I feel like my eating "problems" stem from not finding the right balance of foods for my body. I have been thinking a lot about one of my fellow bloggers (and friend) CD Blueberry, who has been on a mission over the last few years to figure out some things going on in her life. She has recently stopped eating gluten, along with other things, but for me, gluten and carbs are the biggies. I tend to eat a lot of white pasta, and wraps and constantly crave sugar etc. I also have a co-worker who is following the South Beach diet and has lost about 80lbs since the beginning of the year. Now I have no desire to stop following weight watchers but I have decided to incorporate some of the South Beach diet into my weight watchers plan. i.e. lower the carb intake. I have started to read a book outling this diet and am ready to incorporate phase 1 into my life - So for the next two weeks I am on a very limited diet - no fruit or fruit juices, and no carbs, of any kind. This is supposed to get rid of cravings to sugar and carbs. I will still follow the point totals of weight watchers and continue to track etc, I will just be choosing my foods differently. I guess it can't hurt and the book says you will lose up to 16lbs, mostly off your tummy in the first two weeks (and then it slows to 2lbs per week) I am not looking for a quick fix here, I am just looking to unlock the key to this weight loss puzzle.

So, today I went grocery shopping and bought all of my food for the week - things like chicken, shrimp, and steak, as well as Canadian bacon. I can have eggs and lots of fresh veggies and fish and low fat cuts of meat. I am excited to see how this plays out. I cannot imagine not craving donuts and baked goods and chips and chocolate, but I will give it a try.

As a final note I just wanted to make note of my calorie burn last week and attempt to do a little bit better this week:

Sunday: 5k on treadmill 49 mins = 640 calories burned
Monday: cardio day 1hr 10 mins = 661 calories burned
Wednesday: kickboxing 1 hr 20 mins = 695 calories burned
Wednesday night: hill walking on treadmill 45 mins =323
Note: on Wednesday my total calorie burn for the day was 3066!
Onward and Downward

5k update and tales from the scale

2010-10-17T16:54:00.002-04:00

So today I was supposed to do a 5k race in Downtown Toronto, but due to a nagging knee injury, I backed out. I promised my trainer I would give the 5k a go at the gym today so at least I could stop or slow down to a slow walk if my knee was hurting.

Anyway off I go I was doing ok for the first mile, and slowed down a lot for the second mile and while starting the third mile I realized I was pretty close to being able to catch last years 5k time, so I started to really push myself by alternating sprints at 5.5mph and then a fast walk at 3.7mph to catch my breath. I was so focused I did not notice anyone around me I was just pushing myself. Sweat was dripping off of my face and my face was red my shirt drenched.

It came down to the wire but I ran out the last 0.10 miles at 6mph and as soon as I reached the 5k mark on the treadmill counter, I slammed my hand down on the stop button and was doubled over trying deparately to catch my breath. I lifted my beet red, dripping sweat face up only to see the woman two treadmills down, looking at me with a mixture of concern and awe!

I just lookd at her and said" Thank God that is over with" and we both cracked up with laughter...

Oh and I shaved just over a minute off of last years time... my time was 48 minutes and 12 seconds.

Yesterday I went back to weight watchers after a two week "falter". I was up 0.4 which I take as a victory really. I am starting again, I pulled out my bodybugg and hit the gym and have been cooking up a storm so I am prepared for the week and I will give it another whirl..... one day this is all gonna come together :)

Survived High Cardio day! Phew

2010-10-09T09:12:00.002-04:00

So I am battered and bruised (literally) but I made it through high cardio day! My day consisded of a series of high bursts of speed running and then 2 min rests in between. At one point I had to jog across a room while holding my arms straight out in front of me holding on to those stretchy bands...... my trainer was behind me adding tension to the bands- ummmmm lots of tension. I felt like I was running on a 45 degree angle leaning forward. The worst part was when I had to have the stretchy bands aroung my waist with my trainer providing the tension behind me. I had to jump out and down and touch a cone on the floor, then move laterally to the next cone. This just about killed me it was so hard and I had to do it over and over and over again..... In fact last night I was changing and noticed a huge black bruise on my stomach from where the band was digging into me. I didn't do very good today, but that is normal the first time I do something new, I hold back a bit, so I know I will be better next week :)

Off to do some shopping today and going to visit an old friend tonight that I haven't seen in ages. Happy Thanksgiving to all my Canadian friends.

Boxing update and truly scared about Friday's workout

2010-10-07T06:52:00.007-04:00

Yesterday I had boxing training... I really need to get some video footage of my workouts because it is hard to describe in writing. Today I did lots of combos jab, cross hook, then my trainer would take a swipe at me (I had to make sure my hands were up to block or risk getting clocked in the face) And I did lots of footwork today. If you've ever watched boxing there feet are always moving. I started doing that yesterday and it made me feel like fricken Mohammad Ali - lol.... So much so that I totally forgot what hand combo I was supposed to be doing and just started throwing random punches at my trainer..... hahaha I had to stop and apologize and tell he I got a bit carried away with all the footwork.

Now tomorrow begins my first HIGH cardio session. I truly am worried because my regular cardio session that I do on Mondays are killers. I am not sure what I could possibly do to make my cardio session HIGH- I have a feeling there are going to be some yelling, and possibly some tears tomorrow, but I have to admit, I am also a little bit excited because I know I will get through it and be stronger and faster and a few steps closer to my goal once it is done. The best part will be knowing that I looked at the fear that I am feeling straight in the eye and had enough faith in myself to know I can do it. This is probably the biggest change I have made so far.

Speaking of change, I am off to cut my hair tonight - finally. Still undecided on whether to cut it all off short(shoulder length) or to leave it long.... hhhhhhmmmmm I'll see what my stylist thinks.

Gym update

2010-10-04T20:41:00.007-04:00

Do you ever have those days when you say to yourself "who the hell are you anyway"? I had one of those days today.... Perhaps it's because I was looking through pictures of my journey so far and remembering all the pain associated with my life a few years ago. Both internal and external pain. I can see the sadness in my face, my body is twisted because of the back issues that left me in constant pain... and at my lowest point almost killed me, when I lay in my bed after hurting the disc in my back and then not being strong enough to pull my body up and out of my bed. I lay there for three days with no food, no water before I had to finally call my father to come and break into my condo to help me.

Today I was driving to work after my morning work out and was thinking about my workout today. My warm up consisted of a quick 1/2 mile run on the treadmill, followed by a full ab cycle and then a full running cycle. This cycle is done bootcamp style so you are runing around cones up and down, forward and backward etc. Each cycle is 2 mins with a 30 sec break in between sets..... It left me sweating and gasping for air and physically exhausted.... I had a 2 minute break and then went back to the treadmill to finish the day..... Now this is where the "who the hell are you anyway" part cames in... Somewhere deep inside of me there was this competitive spirit pushing up through me. I turned to my trainer and said - "I'm gonna run this sub 7 minutes" which has never been done before (by me obviously lol) My fastest time was 7:06, which was at the beginning of the session while my energy level is high and my average time is about 7:30... So what did I do today

6:30 baby..... It took every last ouce of energy, but I did it and it was yet another reminder that I am moving forward on this journey and I am finding out the the real me is strong, and fit and healthy and can do absolutely anything that she puts her mind too.

Life is good!

Week in review -weight watchers missed meeting

2010-10-03T12:55:00.005-04:00

Wow, it's been a bit of a crazy week. Tuesday I was out of town giving a training session to a group at a law firm we deal with. I am absolutely terrified of speaking in front of a group and I have to say, the day went amazingly well. On Wednesday, I pulled something in my back while warming up and preparing to kick box. At first I was devastated but quickly turned it into a positive when after two days the pain was virtually gone and I am back at 100%. In the past, this injury would have resulted in months of pain, barely being able to move, on the onset of depression over my never ending back issues. I believe that the strength I have built up in my back and core is the reason for the quick recovery and this gives me lots of hope.

Now yesterday was to be my weight watchers weigh in day. To be honest, my week was not very good food wise. I ate out at restaurants two days (still watched what I ate mind you) but didn't really track all week. Yesterday I was feeling really bloated and just didn't want to face a gain on the scale so I gave myself a pass. This is my one and only pass for the next 3 months, I promised myself I would not miss another meeting between now and the end of the year.

Instead of going to weight watchers, I met up with a good friend of mine and had a girls day. You see I generally go out to her place on the weeks (she lives in a different city) and go cycling with her husband. By the time we get back I am so exhausted I just want to come home so I thought it would be nice to just have a girls day. The funny thing is that when I got there, her husband had to bring me downstairs to see the boxing equipment he set up and show me a few boxing moves on the heavy bag before we left. haha I had make up on and my hair was all nice and the biggest thing (literally-lol) is that I wasn't wearing a sports bra so it was difficult to do anything....

We hit some stores, and actually for the first time in many years, I hit up a store that does not carry plus sizes at all - Ricki's has amazing clothes that range in sizes 0 - 18 meaning it is a "NORMAL" store. Yay. The bottoms still don't fit but I did buy 3 new tops all in size xxl, plus I bought a pair of pants, a sweater and a workout top at winners. I think I should be set for fall and winter now.

We finished our girls night out at a nice Italian restaurant where I had a pasta dish that was penne in a tomato sauce and lots of seafood, scallops, clams and squid, plus the two of us shared a bottle of red. We decided that from now on instead of spending money on crappy food at chain restaurants all the time, we would go out only once in a while and eat real, good, fresh food at nice restaurants for a treat. Both her and her husband have been very supportive of my weight loss efforts and I am glad to have them as friends.

Now today is my restock and prepare day. I have made a large pot of Pasta Fagioli (bean soup) which is 5 or 6 pts for two cups and very filling, which I will take for my lunch this week, as well as a pumpkin butter which is cooking right now and smells wonderful. I will add this to my oatmeal in the mornings and also put it on toast instead of butter.

This week I am going to try and make it to the gym 5 days this week. My training is upping the cardio from once to 2 times this week in preparation for my upcoming 5k race in a few weeks. Monday will be cardio, Wednesday will be kickboxing and Friday will be "intense" cardio. I'm not sure what the "intense" part entails but it sounds like it is going to be brutal!

Onward and Downward.

Weight Watchers Weigh in #6

2010-09-25T19:59:00.006-04:00

After Meeting Update-
Start weight - 250 lbs
Current weight - 241.8
Weekly loss- 1
Loss to date- 8.2

This last week has been pretty good food wise although I only tracked about 20% of the time. The fact that I have removed my scale from my place made me a little bit nervous about weighing in this morning. I was down 1 lb and I feel a bit like I have dodged a bullet so I am really going to get back on the tracking bandwagon this week so that I don't have to be worried before next week's weigh in. As long as I track and stay within my points, I will have no fear of the scale. The plan is good, executing the plan is a bit more difficult.

In other BIG news, my trainer has discovered some flaws in the way that I walk, having flat feet is wreaking havoc on my posture, my enitre body is out of sync and this is what continues to cause the pain in my lower back. Get this, he said he was trying to figure out why I have pain in my lower back when my body is now so strong.... MY BODY and SO STRONG being used in the same sentance just blows my mind......

Finally I have to go out to a law firm we work closely with in my job and I realized I have nothing to wear. I really dress quite casually at my job and have just made due with my old clothes. I am currently wearing size 22 dress pants and tops that are just way too big, and I really feel like a slob and a horrible representation of our department if I show up like this next week. I asked my fashionista friend to take me out shopping yesterday and I picked up a beautiful dark grey sweater jacket in an extra large and I tried it on with a pair of dress pants I had previously bought which are a size 16. I was in the change room and I almost broke down in tears looking at myself in the mirror. I liked the way I looked and I was proud of my curvy figure. To actually like the person who was staring (and smiling) back at me was probably the best feeling I have had in a while.

Onward and Downward.

personal training session today

2010-09-22T20:35:00.004-04:00

was kickboxing. My first kickboxing session since I watched the fights on the weekend and proclaimed to my trainer that I want to step into the ring. It may seem a bit strange but I felt the need to work extra hard today, sort of to prove to my trainer that I am willing to put in the work to get to where I can actually fight in a ring. Oh boy, and work I did. I was exhausted by the time I was done..... sweat was dripping from my ponytail in the end and my shirt was drenched, but I worked really, really hard and I think did a solid job.

I just read back over my last few posts and realize I must seem a bit obsessed with this whole kickboxing thing and all I have to say is...... yup I certainly am!!!! lol

A plan is forming

2010-09-20T19:29:00.003-04:00

I wrote about my night of being inspired by kickboxing and to be honest, have not thought of much else since. That athlete who resides deep with me is beginning to push its way out.... I can feel it... my internal dialogue is no longer screaming that I can't do it, my mind is now automatically telling me,"you got this - they are doing it, you can do it too"

Now I realize that this is still quite a ways off and it is going to take a lot of hard work on my part to get from where I am now, to getting into a ring and kick boxing but you know what, I never in a million years thought that I would be where I am today in comparison to where I was 2 years ago.

So this morning when my trainer met me at the gym, I told him I have made a decision, I want to kick box in a tournament..... then I followed it up with "now don't tell me I can't do it, even if you think I'm too old, or not skilled enough, just let me try and work towards it anyway" I guess there is still a little bit of the old me who doubts my abilities and has limitations on what I can do. My trainer, is on board with this. I have decided that I want to work towards losing 40lbs by January, which will take me to around 200lbs, and then I will join the hard core gym where I can train to fight.

I am super excited about this. I keep thinking about the day I joined the gym just under 2 years ago and telling my trainer that my goal was to do a try a tri..... he got excited about that goal and made it possible for me to get there..... and I have faith that he will be able to get me to this new goal as well.

Onward and downward

kick boxing inspiration

2010-09-18T22:47:00.004-04:00

Just home from watching the Kick boxing tournement and WOW, I am super inspired. There were about 10 fights on the card and about 3 of them were woman. In two of those fights the women were actually a lot bigger than I ever expected, in fact one woman was around the 200lb mark. They were awesome to watch and when I saw how the crowd was cheering them on..... I was in awe.... I want to be out there fighting. OMG I can't even believe that I said that but I do, I want to be in a kickboxing match.

Weight Watchers Weigh in #5

2010-09-18T13:42:00.002-04:00

After Meeting Update-
Start weight - 250 lbs
Current weight - 242.8
Weekly loss- 3.6
Loss to date- 7.2

First weigh in sans daily weigh in and I was down 3.6. I will take it... Struggling a bit today as I am having some back pain, trying to tough it out. Went out for dinner last night and stuck with a pint of richards white and an order of chicken quesadilla which was not too bad on points, but then we decided to hit up demitres for dessert. Ummm yeah, coffee with milk, brownie cheesecake (I only ate 1/4 of it) and a bite of my friends strawberry crepe.

Tonight I am off to see a Kickboxing match.... try and learn some technique and be inspired.

Scale Update

2010-09-14T19:22:00.003-04:00

The correct way to weigh yourself:

I can't believe I was doing it wrong all these years.

Now I have attempted to lose weight many, times, and I have changed things up many times however the one thing that I have never done for any length of time is weigh in ONLY 1 time per week. As previously posted I tucked my scale away into the trunk of my car, and while I am struggling with not weighing in 2 or 3 times a day, I found that I am being extra careful in following the program. Since I don't have the scale to tell me that I have a few pounds to play with, or telling me that I haven't lost anything, I can only rely on my abilty to follow plan..... and follow the plan is what I have done.

There was a woman at weight watchers on Saturday who has been at goal for 6 years and she said her secret is that she always writes in her food journal.... still, 6 years later she has not missed a day. She said on a previous attempt at losing, she would write in her journal Monday to Friday and then not write on the weekends. She said that she always lost a lot slower back then and was not nearly as sucessful. She was describing me - the 5 day a week weight watcher.

Over the next two weeks I am going to focus on being a full time weight watcher and once a week weigher inner (lol). I figure it can't hurt and anything that makes me more sucessful is definitely worth a try.